The Gift of Desperation ft. Dick G

Steve welcomes Dick to share his experience, strength, and hope while they discuss living sober in the queer community.

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Transcript

Steve: 0:55

Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBTQ plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett Martin. I'm an alcoholic and addict, and I am grateful for my home group for always grounding me at night before bed. As of this recording, I am 854 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. I've gotten the pleasure of getting to know him over my work with GSM, and I'm excited to get to know him even better. Welcome, Dick! Hello, hello, Steve. Yes, and why don't you introduce yourself to the listeners?

Dick: 1:29

I am an addict and an alcoholic. I live in Ottawa, Canada. It's already getting to be autumn here. Weather is cooling down. The trees are starting to change colour. And that means that my least favorite season is right

Steve: 1:46

around the corner. Oh, winter. I can't imagine that being fun in Canada. I'm in Florida, so winter is nice. Yeah.

Dick: 1:54

I used to like winter when I was younger. And as I get older, I understand now why people go to Florida for the winter. Yeah,

Steve: 2:06

exactly. Well, what would you say is your favorite part of being sober today?

Dick: 2:10

My favorite part about being sober? is being my authentic self, having found the tools to help strip away the masks that I wore for my whole life. I recently celebrated a big milestone 10 years clean and sober and I was you know, it was a hard, it was hard to celebrate 10 years because so many people I know in the program are struggling so very much and what I like most about being sober is being my authentic self, And with that comes the knowledge of self that I can share with other guys in the program on their journey.

Steve: 3:05

That's wonderful. And speaking of being your authentic self, what would you say is your favorite part of being part of the queer community today?

Dick: 3:13

Ah, my favorite part about being in the queer community is a being 60 and alive, since many of my peers are not, and and being sober and queer and 60 is it again, that authentic self is going to come up for the longest time, I did my best to blend in You know, I mentioned before, wearing masks and I'm not sure if it's a function of my age or my self knowledge that's come through a lot of therapy and a lot of work in the program. I don't really care anymore what other people think of me. It's very

Steve: 4:02

liberating. It definitely is. I've, I've been getting moments of those recently, of the feeling that, and it's lovely.

Dick: 4:10

Yeah. You know, the... What other people think of me is none of my business. Just, you know, I really don't care what you think of me. And you know, I wear a beard and I wear long fingernails and at times I grow a really big beard. big handlebar mustache. And I love the contradiction between the two. Yes,

Steve: 4:36

I love that too. Well, why don't we jump into it then with, why don't you share a little bit about what your journey with alcohol and addiction was like? Sure.

Dick: 4:46

I grew up in a kind of a tumultuous house. We, my dad was in the military and we moved around a lot. So I was always The new kid and learned at a very early age to hide my feelings to do whatever I needed to do to get along, to not make waves. I had my first drink when I was probably nine or ten. It was back in the... Back in the early 70s, and there was a lot of drinking going on, at least in my house. And my parents asked me to make them cocktails, so I did, and then I made myself one. And it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do. I continued. I continued with alcohol through my teens. I would, you know, do those horrific binge drinking things. And my, my high school buddies got me a cup, a twisted mug that had, I got smashed at 2001. We had all gone down to the big I don't even know what the screen was called. It was one of the very first gigantic screens, and we watched 2001 The Space Oddity. And a lot of my friends in high school were Italian, and they all grabbed a bottle of their dad's homemade wine. And I drank more than my fair share of it. And that was, I think, the 1st time I really did something foolish. Lots of escapades along the way, ended up at a university. Somehow managed to get a degree. It took me much longer than my peers, about a year and a half longer. Because when you, when you don't go to class for weeks on end It's hard to get a passing grade. And I remember one time I was in the big lecture hall. It was calculus. And I had no idea what the professor was talking about. And I was horribly hungover and probably still a bit high from the night before. And I just packed up my notebooks and, and. Walked this long staircase to the, to the door and the and the prof sort of said, and that person is going to fail and needless to say, I failed, but it did give me an opportunity to take the course again and to take the course again. And finally, I got a prof who was this very old South African gentleman and, he took a very no nonsense approach to calculus. He's like, you're taking beginner calculus. I don't care what you think. I'm here to teach you the rules. And I followed the, I followed his suggestion and I got an A. So looking back, that was probably the first time I took suggestion and something good came from it. Lots of craziness along the way fell in love, and my partner, this was back in the late 80s, early 90s, and he died of HIV AIDS on New Year's Day, 1992, and here I was in my, my late 20s, and had no clue. No tools to deal with that grief. And so I just, you know, poured myself into alcohol and cocaine and stayed there for a couple of years. And a friend of mine who was in recovery was, she gave me some harsh words and I ignored them for a time. And one day I just woke up on the floor and, you know, a pile of. I was a mess on the floor and I said, Okay, that's it. That's enough. And I quit cold turkey then. That was It was in June of Ninety three, I think. Anyhow. And I stayed I stayed sober or rather I didn't drink and I didn't use drugs and that lasted for 15 years and there was no way I was going to admit that I was an alcoholic or a drug addict. So I just poured all those addictive behaviors and that I filled that hole that I filled to drugs and alcohol. Into sports and sex and relationships. For 15 years did all sorts of crazy, extreme sports and, you know, lots of lots of crazy sexual adventures. And somehow managed to survive all that, and eventually met a couple of other guys along the way, relationships based on what they could give me, so I became what I thought they wanted me to be, to, to have that, you know, to have that, and The man who's currently my husband is a, well, I'm going to say was because he's in a nursing home right now. He has advanced dementia. So he was a very gregarious French Canadian man. He, he was my, like, dream catch. This handsome, rugged, muscular Ex cop spy. He was, he was everything. And so I thought a glass of wine wouldn't hurt. How many times have we heard something like that? And within a week of having that glass of wine, I was drinking gin from the freezer and pretty much stayed drunk and blacked out for 5 years until I almost lost my job was lost my relationship, my home. I was given an ultimatum to do something or leave, like right then and there on the spot, like, just get up and get out of the house. So I thought, okay I like where I'm at, so I'm going to do something. And back then the AA website had a still had 20 questions, so the math was easy. And I got 95 percent on the, do you have a problem with drinking quits? Found my way to a big downtown meeting and scared the shit out of me. There's no way I was going to go pick up a white chip, so I lurked around the table after the meeting and palmed one off. And when I got home, it fell out of my pocket and my dog promptly ate it. Went to another meeting that became my home group for many years, and walked down the church basement stairs, and there was this big construction worker guy who saw this scared scared guy walking down the stairs, and he just kind of, like, swooped me up and told me it was going to be okay. Made me sit at the front, made me stand up and pick up a white chip, which I still have, not eaten by the dog. And that began my journey. That was ten years ago.

Steve: 12:10

Awesome, and what tools did you use in that early recovery to help

Dick: 12:14

keep you sober? In those early days, I got a ton of numbers, people kept giving me their numbers, and they said, call me, call me, call me, and I was, I was desperate enough to call them. I'll, you know, some, some people don't have that gift of desperation. When they first come in and I've noticed that those are the, those are the guys who tend to go out and come back and go out and come back and hopefully they get that gift of desperation and use those phone numbers because that really helped me. I went to a million meetings and I made a million phone calls and texted and kept myself focused on recovery. I went to work. I went to meetings. That's all I did. And in between, I was in touch with people in the program.

Steve: 13:16

Yeah, I mean, I know a lot of those basics still hold true today, but how would you say recovery has changed over the past decade with You know, living through COVID and the age of Zoom, like what's different today now?

Dick: 13:31

I still prefer in person meetings. When, when COVID happened and we were all locked in our houses, desperately missed human contact. The simple touch of a hand on your shoulder, or a handshake, or a hug. And like many people got into a really dark place and if it wasn't for Zoom, I, I would probably have gone out. I lost my connection to, to my peeps.

Steve: 14:10

Yeah. And speaking of connection, how has Gay and Sober, which is the organization that we met through with my work with GSM, how has that impacted your recovery?

Dick: 14:21

I'm going to sound like the biggest GSM cheerleader. I discovered them. And joined a little Facebook group and was really active in that. And it was during a time when my husband was still living at home and needed a lot of care. And so the, the GSM and I had, I wasn't able to get to meetings and zoom hadn't happened yet. So the. GSM Facebook group was really my, my recovery and they were starting to talk about the, the conference and I was like, oh, there's no way I can organize care for him and go to New York. That's just not possible. But I did decide because, because I hadn't paid attention early enough that the conference was happening. And I decided that no matter what the next year, I would be there. And in the fullness of time, I had to make some really difficult decisions. I had to, you know, use that power of attorney and sign those papers to put my husband into long term care against his will, because I couldn't look after him anymore. And at that point he needed, he needed 24 hour, you know, professional care to look after him. And he was a very, he was one of those dementia patients who Did not want help from anybody. He was one of those angry, violent dementia patients. So by the time I had to put him in care, I was able to go to, I was able to sign up and make my hotel arrangements and all that stuff, and I was scared out of my mind because I had never gone anywhere alone, I've traveled from A to B by myself, knowing that there was someone that B to meet me, but that trip to New York was my first. Trip by myself and got to the hotel and was just swooped up in, in the excitement of it. And you know, GSM has a philosophy of, you know, pretty much no one left behind. No one is going to be alone. And that was really true. I arrived there not knowing a soul and left that Left that conference with people in my people who are still in my life today, people I'm still in touch with like on a regular basis.

Steve: 17:12

Yeah, that's awesome. I know how hard it can be because I spent the last 10 years working in senior living in memory care communities and like, I see how hard that can be and being able to after going through something like that, like, find this like whole new kind of family or brotherhood. What would you say was your favorite theme of all the past GSMs that you've been to? Oh,

Dick: 17:36

I think I'm going to have to say rocketed. Yeah. When I, when I saw that announcement, I scratched my head because What am I rocketing? What the fuck is this? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, and then someone pointed out in the book book on those parts that you read over really quickly. Yeah. What it's all about. And it really was. And, you know, every time I go to a gay and sober men's conference, I meet more people who. Become really important in my life from all over Canada and the United States. And, you know, a couple of people across large bodies of water. Yeah, rocketed was a really special 1 for me and I, and I had the opportunity over the years to, to do a lot of service for GSM and, it was GSM going to the conference, getting that sort of annual injection of supercharged recovery. It was at JSM that I learned that I could be friends. With gay men and not have ulterior motives to use them for whatever, you know, use them financially, emotionally, sexually, I could be myself and people would like me back and become friends with them.

Steve: 19:03

Yeah, my first GSM, it was very much my first. Vacation on my own where I wasn't traveling with like a partner or a boyfriend or a friend or meeting someone there That would take care of me while I was there and it's been so welcoming. I'm so happy to have found that One of the things or ways that you keep in touch with a lot of the people that you know is by sending your morning lavender light readings How did that go to play and how has that played a role in your recovery?

Dick: 19:30

I, you know, I honestly can't remember where I came across Lavender Light. I don't remember where I came, where I was introduced to it. But I do remember that it had a profound effect on me. And so I scoured the Internet and there were no electronic copies of it anywhere and found, found that you could order it on Amazon from one of those on demand printers. And so I placed my order and I guess they were waiting for the right number of orders to come in and got my copy and decided that my recovery project that year would be to start my day with the Lavender Light Reflections. Thank by retyping the book. So, I, I, every day, my, my morning ritual was to retype the reflection for the day. And I put my own little thought at the end of it. Sometimes I, and so, and I posted it in Gay and Sober. And then I started posting it in Gay and Sober Single Men. And sending it to a few friends. And now, I post it in. 8 or 10 gay recovery groups and send it out to about 40 odd people every morning. That's awesome. It keeps, and it's one way for me to stay in touch with people. I ran into my old sponsor the other night and, he's like, I just love getting those lavender lights from you in the morning. I look forward to them every day.

Steve: 21:13

Yeah, I was gonna say, I've once or twice this past quarter, I've borrowed them for my topic nights for my meetings. And like, even like the people that aren't like gay and like in the meeting are like, I love that. Where did it come from? And I'm like, I, I, I send them the links, so I'm sure that they're getting more orders now that people are, you know, cause it's, it's amazing cause I know like other friends that also shared like little bits of piece of literature, but it's funny cause like you'll send it to the number of people you send it to, but like so many of us, I'm sure then like send it to more people and it just is amazing how recovery works like best when you share it.

Dick: 21:48

Yeah, it is. It definitely is best when you share it and thank you for letting me know that you pass it along. I've heard a couple of other people pass it along. Yeah. And you know, I'm really, it makes me feel happy that. These reflections written in a very different time. A lot of the, a lot of the topics are very much of the 80s. And they still ring true. The language might be a bit dated. It's, you know, it's like reading the big book. Some of the language is dated,

Steve: 22:25

but it's still true. I was just thinking, I mean, I'm sure if there's a group of us that can, like, understand relating to a book that's older than dirt, it's a group of alcoholics. Yeah, excellent. And what are one or two personal things you're looking forward to or working on?

Dick: 22:40

What am I working on right now? My sponsor and I are working on getting redoing step 11. He's introduced me to a a way of morning meditation and reflection called two way prayer. I don't know if you've heard about that. It's You know, you, you start your day very much like we're suggested to do with reading, you know, reading some passage that's meaningful to you and thinking about it and this takes that one, two steps further where you, you prey on it to your higher power, and then the two way part is you stream of consciousness Right, whatever comes into your mind and the idea being that that is your higher power coming through you onto the page. It's a very, very, it's a really cool experience. Sometimes I hear my own voice coming out and sometimes I hear. Oh, that, that, that definitely is from HP Mm-hmm. that's not what I would've put down there. Yeah.

Steve: 24:00

I love that. I'll have to try that sometime. I know that's probably bad time. In the other night I watched the Red Door where insidious the new Insidious scare horror movie, where he went into a meditative trance and started doing art and like unleashed a gate to like the hell dimensions. So maybe writing the words will be a little safer than that. And out of all the different readings and quotes and things that we hear out and about that help motivate us, what's one of your favorite sayings that help keep you sober?

Dick: 24:32

One of my favorite sayings. Well, there's a, there's a few of them. There's, you know, the rapacious creditor always gets me. I, I giggle and I laugh at it from a point of knowing that it's, it's true. Alcohol now become the rapacious creditor cunning, baffling, powerful. Yeah, one I throw back at my response. He was all the time is count how many times honesty is in the big book. It's

Steve: 25:10

there a bit. Yeah, quite a few times. Yeah. Yeah. Even now, my husband being a normie, like, they're what I've learned is. In the senior living, we call them like the therapeutic fibs, but like things that like he'll have us lie to his parents about to like save them. Cause it's like stuff that doesn't go, it's not going to bother them. It would just upset them more. But I'm just like, don't like, don't make me lie. Like he knows now, don't make me lie. I was like, I won't be the liar. Like, it's already bad enough. They have to be complicit sometimes when he's like, well, we have to go because of this appointment. And I'm like, what appointment he glares at me. And I'm like, oh, okay. That appointment,

Dick: 25:45

that appointment,

Steve: 25:47

but no longer am I, I'm like, I can't be the one to. Fake it

Dick: 25:50

anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I have a, I have a, so in, in the complicated world we live in, I have a partner and a husband and he's a normie and he doesn't always understand why I can't go along with those little white lies, Yeah. Or I, or I have a hard time going along with those white lies.

Steve: 26:13

Yeah. I definitely can relate. Excellent. And if someone listening wanted to get in touch with you, thank you, maybe ask for those morning readings, how, what would be the best way for them to find you?

Dick: 26:25

They can find me on the Gay and Sober Facebook page, or I'm on Facebook, I have a public profile, Dick Gunstone. There's a, there's a couple of Dick Gunstones, but I'm the only one in Ottawa, Canada.

Steve: 26:39

All right. Sounds good. Well, I'll make sure to link over to your stuff in the show notes. Thank you so much, Dick, for coming on. It was a pleasure getting to know you better.

Dick: 26:46

Thanks. I really enjoyed it.

Steve: 26:48

Yeah. And stick around listeners and head on over to our Patreon page. If you'd like to hear Dick and I talk some more while we spend the post show topic wheel, but in the meantime, make sure you follow us wherever you're listening right now. So you can get these new episodes and they come out every Thursday. And if you have a friend or fellow who might enjoy listening, tell them about it. Until that time, stay sober, friends.