Gratitude ft. Savanna

Steve welcomes back Savanna to discuss finding gratitude in all things while living life queer and sober.

Follow Savanna @savannadanna on IG and @lucci_mamas on Tik-Tok, and follow us while you are at it @gayapodcast. Head on over to the Patreon page to hear Savanna and Steve talk about Sexuality in sobriety!

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Transcript

Steve: 0:55

Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett Martin, I'm an alcoholic and an addict, and I'm grateful for all the gratitude we're about to talk about. As of this recording, I am 895 days sober, and today we're welcoming back one of my sober besties, Savannah, to discuss one of her favorite topics, gratitude. Welcome back, Savannah. Hi.

Savanna: 1:21

Hi, how are you?

Steve: 1:22

Good. It's been a few months since we've heard from you. What's been going on in your world?

Savanna: 1:27

Oh my God, the world has been so busy. So nursing school is just going along fabulous, fabulously. Very time consuming this semester, a lot more studying and and a little bit more in depth for me. I have an awesome class this semester. So I have a lot of classmates and stuff that I've been working with and we've all been kind of helping each other. So that's been great. And. Mainly, that's really about it and just working. I did go to my first festival sober. How was that? It was really fun. I was, I'm going to be honest with you, I was really nervous going down there because I was like, okay this is my first sober festival. I mean, I know I don't want to drink. I guess I was just more nervous that somebody was going to offer me something else. But they didn't, so, and I had a good time. I was really nervous when I got there, and then there was this lady, she was giving massages for like a dollar a minute, so I gave her ten dollars, and she just changed the whole trajectory of my weekend.

Steve: 2:36

Excellent, that is awesome. And I instantly thought of the topic gratitude for you, because when you host our meetings in our home group, oftentimes you'll have Gratitudes Days. But what did gratitude mean and look like to you before recovery?

Savanna: 2:53

I don't even really think I knew what gratitude was, I think. I mean, maybe I did on the surface, I guess. Maybe I thought I was thankful or grateful, but I don't really know how genuine it was. I feel like now that I'm sober. I feel like I do so many things, like I think about how much time I wasted being hungover and like all of that and the way that I show up now and put my time into things and put. My listening ears aren't for people and the way I show up I feel like I don't know how well I was doing before sobriety.

Steve: 3:46

Yeah, I Understand that I know that it was only in recovery that I realized that before I wasn't really grateful like I was entitled a lot of the time to things or I felt like I was entitled and I was unaware of like how privileged I was and like I've learned like that in recovery. So it's been interesting learning the difference between like the things that I feel like I was entitled to the things that I'm grateful for versus all of that. I know that like it. Early in recovery a lot of people will recommend like write down a gratitude list, but what I know at least for me That was almost impossible to think of like three or four things that I was grateful for every morning when I got started What was it like for you?

Savanna: 4:30

I mean, I could think of things that I was, I was grateful for because like, I'm pretty sure I've said this before. I've always had a higher power, so I've always been like thankful for stuff or things in my life, but I don't need, I don't think I really knew what grateful was. Okay. Thankful is like, Oh man, I'm thankful that I have this. Like material things. I'm great. I'm thankful that I have like these AirPods or I'm thankful that I just got the new iPhone, but like being grateful is I'm grateful that I have somebody that I can call up at any time if I'm struggling. I'm grateful that I can have focused and pay attention to what I'm doing so that I can be successful. You know, does that, does that make sense? But like, I couldn't make a gratitude list when I first got sober, I couldn't. I had a hard time focusing on anything because I was just like, I'm not sure if I was grateful for anything yet because I just. I was still trying to wrap my head around being sober.

Steve: 5:33

Yeah, I mean, I knew right off the bat that there were certain things that I, I had gratitude for, but I would, they would be on my list like every other day Remy was on my list because of course, like everyone's grateful for their pet, but I've also learned. That not only is it easier to find more things that I'm grateful for as, like, I practice that more, and it's not that there are more things in my life than there were before necessarily, but it's that I've learned to be grateful for more things in my life. But it's also been helpful to kind of elaborate on, like, why I'm grateful and, like, reflect on that in the morning. Because that's certainly one thing to say, I'm grateful for my dog, Remy. But it's another one to, like, reflect on, like, why you're thankful for your pet. And, like, thinking of, like, what it was like when I adopted him, right after we had, like, had the adoption fall through. And how he kind of, like, restored my faith. And, like, a purpose, like, even if that purpose was as small as having to... Take him for walks and like take care of him like it gave me that purpose back and like let me know that there could be new beginnings. So like reflecting on all of that. It sounds a lot nicer than just saying I'm grateful for my dog. You know what I mean?

Savanna: 6:39

Yeah, especially like when you hear people that have had some time and they talk about, how they're grateful. And you're just kind of like, man, how do they get that grateful? And I guess it's like when they talk about in the program, when you hear somebody talking, you want what they have. Yeah. and it makes sense as you go along, but like at the time, it's like, you're just kind of like, Oh, are they grateful for that? I didn't think I would see myself being grateful for being sober.

Steve: 7:08

When did that happen for you? Or like, when did you realize that that had happened?

Savanna: 7:14

Probably around the time that I got to about. Four or five months. I think it was around the time I started going to the mustard seed, to be honest with you. I know so much of my sober story talks about I talk about the mustard seed, but I feel like before that, I was just still just trying to get the grasp of being sober because I had a lot going on at the beginning of my sobriety, it was. The end of 2020, COVID was still like all over the place. Things were very stressful. Things were very stressful at home. I felt like everything around me was falling apart. So, when I got sober, it was just enough for me to focus on being sober on top of being in school and trying to keep all of that together. So I was thankful that I had classmates that were helping me. With study guides and stuff like that. But by the summertime, when I had had some sobriety under my belt, I was grateful because I wouldn't have gotten through that semester without that help of those classmates that I had to be honest with and let them know that I was getting sober.

Steve: 8:39

Yeah, and getting sober is so hard. I mean, a lot of us don't enter these rooms or start a recovery journey because everything is perfect in their life. So it is easier or it's easy to understand how it might be difficult when you're first starting out to have that list of things you're truly grateful for. But what are some kind of things that you feel like even people at their lowest of lows can find gratitude

Savanna: 9:04

in? I was grateful for every morning that I woke up. After a blackout, if we're being honest I was grateful for any time that I was safe when I woke up at a place that I didn't know where I was. I was grateful anytime I went out and didn't get into a fight. I know that sounds, I know that sounds really terrible, but, but then I was also grateful at the fact that I was. Being a mom, and I was still showing up for things at my kids school. I was grateful for those opportunities. I was grateful when they would ask me to volunteer. You know, I, I, I thought that was awesome. I thought that obviously there was something that I was doing that they saw that they were wanting me there. So I was very. Thankful and grateful for that.

Steve: 10:14

Yeah. But. And it's so important to have those things in the present that root you, that you're grateful for today. But I also know that, like, there were times where I would almost have to, like, reflect back on things that I was grateful for that I might not even have realized, like, how grateful I was at the time. What would you say are one of your, two of your proudest accomplishments that, like, you look back on and you feel a lot of gratitude that you did that thing? Like in sobriety or

Savanna: 10:38

just in general? Just in general. Having my kids natural, I know that like, I know that's probably like nobody wants to hear about like people having babies, but At the time when I had gotten pregnant with my first son and I was so terrified of getting an epidural. That's when they stick like this long needle in your back and they like numb you up from like the waist down. And I had heard so many horror stories about it and I was more terrified. Of having that huge needle go into my back than I was of like pushing this kid out. And so when the time came and I actually did it. And I did it without any, any kind of help, no drugs, no nothing to me. I was just like, yeah, I did that. I had a baby. And then like, I did it the second time. Oh man. It just, I couldn't believe that I did this. I feel like I was more nervous the second time because I was like, the first time was so great. This time it's. It's gonna be terrible. I just know it's gonna be terrible, but it wasn't and and I'm very I'm grateful for that So that's something that like I felt like was like a huge accomplishment

Steve: 11:53

Yeah. And I can imagine, especially since that was before your recovery journey. So the idea of having a chance to get a fix or to numb it out, the fact that you, you braved through it naturally, kudos to you. I mean, the idea is terrifying to me, but as a woman, more power to you. And

Savanna: 12:10

that's the one thing that like baffles me about my drinking, because I feel like anything else. And I mean, I guess now since I am sober and I put my mind to that, And I've been able to do it, but like anytime that, cause I've experimented, I've done all the stuff, the things that we do and that stuff, I was able to just like, eh, whatever I could take it or leave it, no big deal. And I was able to just kind of walk away from that stuff. Like, Oh my God, that's dangerous. But when it came to, to drinking, I just was never. Nothing just ever clicked in my brain to where I just wanted to stop.

Steve: 12:58

Yeah. I had a conversation with someone this morning at like, even I was like, no, like I never just had one that the idea of having one just sounds awful. Why would, why would you punish yourself like that?

Savanna: 13:08

And I was, for some reason I keep running into the doctor's opinion and meetings lately. And maybe it's because I just need a reminder of why I'm here. But that. thing in my brain that I couldn't understand when I started drinking that just, I couldn't understand why when I drank, I just, I had to have another one. And I couldn't understand why if I was at a bar at last call, I had to try to see how many shots I could put in my body as possible. I didn't understand it. I just knew that once it was on, like it was on and I could not stop and hearing that and knowing that and sitting where I am now, knowing what that is and moving forward.. You know what I mean?

Steve: 14:04

It helps that you also be, more grateful when you know that you're on the right path and, that your things are gonna be okay and that you're gonna be taken care of no matter what. But

Savanna: 14:13

but I'm grateful that I have all these people around me and stuff like that, and I feel like everything that I've gone through since I've been sober has been amazing, which also strengthens my gratitude and things, but like, I don't know it's going to be okay, but like, I have enough around me to know that if it's not okay, I'll be okay because I have enough people in my life that are going to support me to make that okay. Yeah, I got recent. I recently got hit. As you know, I told you about this and I was just trying to find the gratitude, like the silver lining in this situation, and I wasn't in the car. Okay. Yes, I wasn't in the car and I was upset about it. But I think about all the times I was in that car and I wasn't sober, I'm thankful for the, right? And I'm grateful. My car was totaled and it had nothing to do with me drinking. I wasn't driving, nobody got hurt. But this huge catastrophic thing that could have happened to me so many times that I was in that car, it just put everything in a whole new perspective for me, and I've had so many fresh starts in my sobriety and I'm so grateful for this fresh start because I was given this gift of being able to receive a new vehicle, a vehicle that when I get in it, I don't see like remnants of where I grew up here. I don't see remnants of, dings and nicks of things that I hit and don't remember hitting, just stuff like that, so I really had to try to find the gratitude in this situation, because I know when we had spoke on Tuesday, and I was a hot mess crying after they called me, I just, I knew it was a good thing, but at the time, I just didn't see it.

Steve: 16:27

I understand. I mean, I had to step back so many times this past week or two as I've been going through a lot of my personal changes to be like, Okay, it's gonna be okay, cause it is, and it's because I'm sober now, and I'm grateful for that. I would say that, other than your new car situation, which you've certainly put a great spin on, I know that with my car, I just paid it off today, I'm grateful for that, after something like 8 long years, or 7 long years of payments. But I also like even six months ago and I cleaned it out. I found like a bottle of vodka and I'm sober. I did too! I'm sober two and a half years now. And so I was like two years sober and found a bottle of vodka that had been like underneath my passenger seat like in a Aquafina bottle.

Savanna: 17:13

Mine was in the trunk. Yeah. I found a bottle of wine of like half drank wine in my trunk. Yeah. Ugh. I was cleaning out the trunk and I was just kinda like, wow. Not that's, that could

17:24

donated

Steve: 17:25

to a science experiment with being there that long.

Savanna: 17:30

Oh my God. I didn't smell it. I didn't open it. I just like, I tossed it. Yeah. I just threw it away and was just like, wow. Because like you said, with the time that we have. You think that, in the beginning, all that stuff is gone, out of here, like, you think you've done that, you have all this growth, you've done all these things, and then there it is, boom, another, a reminder of, like, how things used to be, and then you're like, wow, I am so grateful that I don't have to have bottles of alcohol in my car anymore. Yeah,

Steve: 18:07

I was gonna say, if anyone ever thinks that, like, it's It's all behind you. Don't forget that Facebook memories exist.

Savanna: 18:14

Oh, yes. And, you

Steve: 18:16

know, I had to mute certain periods where I knew I just didn't need those reminders every day. And occasionally I still have one sneaks through and I'm like, touche Facebook, yeah, things are better now. Yeah. But at least it's not like an everyday thing.

Savanna: 18:30

Right. But, but there's the gratitude again for you though, I find it really hard sometimes now in my sobriety to not be. just so happy and thankful and excited. And, we took, we took our 16 year old to that festival and like, we enjoyed it. You know, I made memories with him. I, I stood in the front row of the stage like all day so that I can make sure he was up front for Kendrick Lamar. I would have never done that. You know, I would have been somewhere like wasted, like whatever, but I was able to watch him have a good time and enjoy it and just be happy and, and, and remember all of it, and actually be able to be the kind of. Responsible worker who isn't calling off a work because they're hung over to where I can. work to do things like that, So I love gratitude. Yeah.

Steve: 19:36

And there's so much to be grateful for today, but what's one thing that you're looking forward to that you're also excited for?

Savanna: 19:43

I am really looking forward and exciting to being done with this semester, There was so much turmoil and chaos this time last year when I was taking Nursing 101 and I've tried not to let, not to let so much of those thoughts from last semester bleed into this semester. But as I inch more towards the end of the semester and I'm in a comfortable spot and I'm doing okay, I'm just so thankful that when I didn't make it last year that I picked up the phone and called my advisor to see what I needed to do versus Relapsing and going and drinking because that was my go to.

Steve: 20:30

I am grateful for that as well. And you're you're back and better than ever.

Savanna: 20:35

So I feel like that's when I feel like I thought I had it because that wasn't my go to. It wasn't like I, I want to drink. It was, okay, what do I gotta do now? Yeah,

Steve: 20:51

yeah, it's definitely better not having that be like your gut reaction. I've had like the devil on my shoulder being like, drink, drink, drink. show up occasionally, but I'm much more adept right now than I was years ago at just like swatting him away and being like, Go away, you stupid bitch.

Savanna: 21:09

And it's, I mean, what do you have some gratitude

Steve: 21:11

for? I just have gratitude that I'm in a position where I'm able to start working on my own personal and like professional development in a way that's for me. And so I'm very excited with that, and also overcoming all of the challenges that present itself with like starting a new business. While also keeping the podcast going while working out my notice at another job. I'm doing a lot right now, and it's a lot, but I'm doing it. And I'm doing it sober every day, and I'm doing it and sleeping well at night. Because I know that I'm on the right path. So I'm grateful for the path that I'm on right now.

Savanna: 21:47

Fantastic. I'm so like, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that we found each other in, in the program. Me

Steve: 21:56

too. I'm grateful for you, Savannah.

Savanna: 22:01

I'm grateful for you too, Steve.

Steve: 22:03

You know who else I'm also really super thankful for? Who? Each and every single one of our listeners that listen to the podcast. Yes. And I'm sure that they all follow you by now, but just in case they don't, if they wanted to follow you to keep up with your gratitude, how

Savanna: 22:22

would that? Yes. I am on TikTok. I am at Luchi underscore mama. And on Instagram, I am at Savannah Danner.

Steve: 22:34

Excellent. Well, I'll be sure to link over to that in the show notes. Savannah, but don't go anywhere because we have our Patreon post show.

Savanna: 22:41

Yay! I won't go anywhere. I'll stay right here.

Steve: 22:44

All right. Sounds good. And listeners, we hope you head on over there to check us out, but if not, make sure you follow us wherever you're listening so you can get these new episodes when they come out every Thursday. And if you have a friend or a fellow who might enjoy listening, tell them about it. Until next time, stay sober, friends. Bye.