Not a Glum Lot ft. Cintia

Steve welcomes Cintia to share her experience, strength, and hope while they discuss living sober in the queer community.

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Transcript

Steve: 0:55

Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett Martin. I'm an alcoholic and addict, and I am grateful for becoming more connected to my local community. As of this recording, I am 907 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. I've enjoyed knowing this beautiful person over the past few years, and I'm psyched for you to get to know her better. Welcome, Cynthia! Hi Steve. Hi

Cintia: 1:22

everyone.

Steve: 1:24

Yes. And why don't you introduce yourself for those who are not lucky enough like I am to already know

Cintia: 1:29

you? My name is Cynthia and I'm an alcoholic. In recovery, or recovery, I like to say.

Steve: 1:37

And how long have you been in recovery?

Cintia: 1:39

I Have two years or to be exact 816 days. My sobriety date is August 27th of 2021.

Steve: 1:48

Wonderful. Yeah. You came in just behind me into the rooms. And so what would you say is your favorite part of being sober

Cintia: 1:54

today? rIght now, right. My favorite part so far has been. Well, I love the program. I'm part of AA and OA and I just love going to meetings and just being honest And not waking up hungover to be honest. Yeah, definitely and less anxiety. Yes

Steve: 2:15

It's a beautiful thing not waking up to that feeling And what would you say is your favorite part of being a member of the queer community today?

Cintia: 2:24

my favorite part of being queer is It's just an accepting place and accepting of me for I'm bisexual or pansexual and I'm just, I'm also accepting myself, but I just love the queer space. It's just accepting of everyone, no matter what. Yes,

Steve: 2:47

we are. All right. And why don't you share a little bit about what your journey with alcohol and addiction was like? Thank you.

Cintia: 2:53

What it was like, where do I start? I never know where to start, but I started drinking at the age of 16 and I never drank, like, just one drink and have fun. It was always, I always wanted to do what my, I saw my parents do on the weekends, which was just get drunk. So that's what I started doing was drinking to get drunk. I remember hugging the toilet and just like, oh, I'm never doing this again. And then the following weekend, go ahead and start, start it all over again. And to me, I thought that was fun. We used to call it getting tipsy and now we call it getting late. But, yes, definitely every weekend we'll get tipsy. And then I noticed I guess once I got older around my late twenties is when I started when I noticed. That I had a problem, but definitely my drinking started at as a teenager.

Steve: 3:49

Yeah, and what changed that kind of started your recovery journey then?

Cintia: 3:54

Well, I was fired from my job that I really loved. But the reason I was fired was because I always came late. And it was constantly telling me like, you know. You need to get here on time, but I was always late because I was busy, you know, living my other life of drinking all night and I couldn't wake up in time to get to work. So I was fired and prior to that, like, I already knew I had a problem because I drank pretty much every day. And the pandemic really much just highlighted it and made it so much bigger because I had nothing but time to drink because I was off work, at least for 3 months when if when we 1st had the lockdown and all that, even because I was working at a doctor's office. So I thought we will be open, but we weren't. But yes, the pandemic definitely. Help highlight that I had a problem as well as other people that I thought drank like me were telling me that I drank too much and I just was like, I guess flabbergasted or just shocked that they even with telling me that I have a problem, but I was drinking to the point of getting completely drunk every night and I was blacking out, which I didn't have that problem before. But, yeah, As my disease progressed I just started doing things that I thought I would never do. So never say never,

Steve: 5:27

never say never. And so what tools or how did you get sober then?

Cintia: 5:34

So luckily, I was in school. I don't know how I had this. I was working a full time job. I was going to school pretty much like part time basis. And then I have was drinking as well enough to get drunk every night. I don't. All I know is that 1 day, I guess, call it a God shot. I just decided to look up if my school had counseling. Of course, they do. But my brain, I wasn't thinking well at the time. So I started counseling in school. And the counselor, I can't believe I forgot her name, but she kept telling me she was like you know, you can go to meetings, even if you're still an active addiction. I'm like, no, you can't. I don't think so. She's like, no, you can, you can go to meetings and I'm like, okay, I'll look into it. Never really. Looking into it, and then she was, she also mentioned rehabs. She's like, do you have insurance? You can go to a rehab this inpatient and outpatient rehabs. For me, inpatient would have been too rough, I think, or I don't know if my anxiety, my social anxiety will allow had allowed me to do it, but I was able to find a outpatient rehab located here in New York City called parallax and that once I got my appointment, which was August 27th. They told me the day before that I started the program, not to have any alcohol or try not to have. A lot of alcohol so that when I do the breathalyzer tests, I wouldn't be positive because then I wouldn't be able to start and luckily I really wanted it. I was open and willing to do whatever it took. So I just drank the night before I just drank 3 seltzers, which I can't believe I didn't even really get wasted. But that weekend I made up for it. I was still hung over to be honest. And yeah, so the outpatient rehab, I went in 8 a. m. in the morning. I left the facility around 4 o'clock. I was on naltrexone. I was on medication to help me stop the cravings, which I'm very grateful that it helped, but I know as well, the medications are not completely what helped me stop, but I know for sure that. Like, it was a great tool to have. So, just in case if I do slip up, it's like, I won't feel as drunk if I do decide to pick up or I, and then that same night, I found the muster see 9 PM meeting. I logged in maybe like, 10 minutes a little. I think everyone was saying the day count. No, they were talking about the topic because it was a Friday night. It was a topic meeting. And I don't know, I remember hearing your voice and other, a lot of other people's voices and it kind of, like, ignited something in me. I didn't feel alone anymore. I felt heard and seen, even though I had my camera off and I didn't talk but I wasn't alone in how I felt and why my drinking was the way it was. I wasn't the only one with those issues, which. Made me feel good to know that I wasn't alone so much of my drinking. I always felt like I'm alone. I'm alone in this and I know that's just my disease to keep me. Drinking.

Steve: 9:07

Yeah, I can relate to that so much. I know that my, my brain defaults to like, the D, like, the worst darkest thoughts at times. But, you know, especially when I'm thinking about myself, like, if I thought about myself, the way that I think about, like, I would never talk to other people the way that I think about myself. It's always interesting the way that that works, but. I know, like, especially early recovery can be challenging. You know, recovery every day can be challenging. Life is challenging. But especially in those early days, you know, after you finished your outpatient, like, what did life look like for you? And how did you stay sober?

Cintia: 9:42

So yes, luckily with my outpatient it was like almost six to seven. No, I lasted like seven or eight months. it Was supposed to be six months, but I felt like 8 months, a little bit longer wouldn't hurt me. And that just allowed me to have a, since I started going to a meetings, I was able to continue, like, going to meetings on a daily basis. Multiple meetings I loved listening to podcast. I loved listening to old tapes on YouTube because there are some that are super funny and very entertaining, especially in the beginning when being in the quiet with your thoughts is very. For me, it was definitely very daunting of every I couldn't I couldn't really be in a room without any noise. So, having that on the background, just constantly reminded me that right now for today. I'm not picking up a drink. I'm going to go to a meeting, or I'm just going to listen to something for program regarding my problem as opposed to default. And doing the drinking, it was a little hard in the beginning. I was living with my mom and sister and they love to drink. They drank pretty much every other day or on the weekends. And definitely in early sobriety. I felt like, I don't know, I guess sad because they were enjoying themselves with like, kind of like my best friend, especially drinking Corona and all that. And, but luckily, I found new friends and a program that works for me and I had a, and I got a sponsor, but yes, definitely early sobriety, even with, even with my outpatient rehab, going to meetings and doing service when I, when I was able to allowed me to continue staying in the herd stay with that. Mentality of today. I choose not to drink today.

Steve: 11:54

Yeah, that's beautiful. And you also mentioned that there's another program that you use away. Like, what came first? And how does that been worked into your program?

Cintia: 12:05

Alright, so is over eaters anonymous, but it's for anyone that has a problem that may think they have a problem with any kind of eating disorder. And I've, I don't know, for some reason with a. I started getting a lot of weight, and I didn't like that, and I, I just thought there has to be something like AA that helps with food, and there is. Which is always and I was very happy that I found it. And it's pretty much another 12 step program. But it's more focused on the food part of things. I've kind of realized that my problem is a lot more spiritual, which is why a lot of things are, I'm always either 1 it. I get so addicted to it, like, I have to have it when I want it and I need that satisfaction and what I'm learning. With the program is how to pause and how to, like, just pray and meditate and just pretty much just pause and make sure that I talk to my higher power, which is another part that I love is the fact that my higher power is my own of my own definition, whatever it looks like to me and I was able to erase the God. That I was taught when I was younger and now my higher power is a very loving accepting God and I know all that my higher power wants for me is to Be good and be happy and wants the best for me.

Steve: 13:48

Yeah, you're such a shiny happy like ball of light in meetings so mission accomplished and How would you say that throughout this journey? You're? Addiction and now recovery have been shaped by your sexuality or maybe it like impacted one another well

Cintia: 14:07

I'm a lot more. I think it's positive. I mean, I'm open I used to be very shy when it came to like talking to other to the same sex or people that identified themselves as the same sex which I identify as a as a woman or she her and It was very It still is a little bit Like hard, but I'm much more open to it and I'm much more available to do it like prior to recovery. I could only do those things do that when I was intoxicated. I had enough balls to like, sorry, not balls, but I had enough courage to talk to other women and get numbers and stuff like that. And now it's like. I'm not drinking, but I do have the self esteem and the courage to go up to a female or click. Yes. On a picture because now everything is online and and I'm okay with that. I'm more accepting of myself, which I'm so happy that program and these 12 steps has helped me learn to love myself because I was, I had put myself in in rooms that showed me love. So with the love that I was shown and the caring, I'm able to now give that to myself as well and give to others. I love loving other people. I love much.

Steve: 15:36

Yes, wonderful. And of all the tips and tricks and things we've learned in recovery, do you have any favorite sayings that really resonate to you? I

Cintia: 15:47

love we're not a What is it? I can't even remember. We're not a glum lot. Yes. As cheesy as it is, one day at a time, one second at a time, and take a nap. Naps are amazing. I learned that from you.

Steve: 16:06

Yes, that's my favorite part of HALT is taking naps.

Cintia: 16:11

Yes, just learning how to just shut off. Everything will still be there, even if, once you wake up from your nap, they're still gonna get, and they'll get done, and you'll be refreshed. You're not missing out on anything if you decide to pray to, like, meditate or take a nap for 20 minutes.

Steve: 16:31

Yeah, exactly. And what kind of advice would you give to someone who might be struggling or in a rut with their recovery?

Cintia: 16:39

I would say share. If you don't like sharing, let people in. Really allow people in, um, not just surface level. For me, a lot of my recovery has changed because there was a time where I couldn't even share meetings. I could barely, like, talk to other fellows and my, with my dad passing, um, I saw myself reaching towards a drink more than program and I had to do something and something inside me, most likely my higher power. Just made me share, share, even if it don't sound as good as you want it to sound or is not as deep as you think it will be, but just really letting yourself or letting people in and just saying how you feel, really feel, even if it feels sad or whatever. But definitely that has been one of my biggest things, sharing and letting people in

Steve: 17:48

two very important lessons to learn. And you mentioned that how much you love. We're not a glum lot. What has been one of your happiest moments in

Cintia: 17:56

recovery? My happiest moment? Well, one of them was a few weeks ago. The women's meeting that I go to there was a whole bunch of people that came out to a convention and In the Bronx, and we all met up for dinner and it was like, maybe 1520 of us and it was just beautiful to just see the people there and give real life hugs and kisses and like, make do the serenity prayer holding hands before we ate. It was like, really amazing. And also doing fellowship with mustard seed when we do fellowship outside and go to the museum. I never thought. That I would do things like that for myself. I've always been a homebody myself isolated a lot and now with program is like, I, I enjoy spending time with other people and release being in that moment. Unless they irritate me, then I try to limit that. But yes, I enjoy like, just the camaraderie, the just the spending time, real life, with people that I shared, like, my dark times with, and enjoying their company. That was amazing.

Steve: 19:19

Yeah, it's great to find those connections with people, and it's also great that we can choose who we don't have connections with, and learn that, like, no is a complete sentence at times. Yes. Definitely. Excellent. And if someone listening loved and really resonated with something you had to say, how would they reach out to you?

Cintia: 19:40

Well, I'm always at the Mustard Seed 9 p. m. meeting on Zoom. aNd then also my Instagram is Cynthia, C I N T I A. 0129.

Steve: 19:53

Excellent. Thank you so much. And before we close out, what's one thing you are looking forward to in your recovery or in your life?

Cintia: 20:00

Weirdly enough, I'm, I'm ready to start making real life amends, not just writing it in a letter, but getting, um, doing it in real life and showing the person that I am deeply sorry. I can't change what happened, but let's start a new. Let's start new and fresh. So I'm, I'm looking forward to doing events.

Steve: 20:24

Excellent. Yes. Well, everyone loves the fresh start. All right. Well, thank you so much, Cynthia. And thank you listeners for tuning into another episode of Gay A. Make sure you follow us wherever you're listening as well as on the socials at Gay A podcast. And if you'd like more time with Cynthia and I, you can head on over to our Patreon page where we'll spin the post show topic wheel. Meanwhile, if you have a friend or fellow who might enjoy listening, tell them about it. And until next time, stay sober, friends.