Hey, there's super sober heroes. It's your host, sober Steve, the podcast guy, with another episode of gay a the super sober hero show. This week I am happy to share two interviews with you, the first of which is with JP and the second of which is with Tim T, both wonderful guys. I've gotten to know in recovery through social media and it's been great watching their experiences develop, as well as their physical fitness journeys. I've recently been on my physical fitness journey, more so more actively than I was passively previously, at least. I guess we've always been on a physical journey, if we've, if we're alive and moving. But I've actually started in the past four months working off the 50 pounds or so that I gained in sobriety, and so it was great talking with them. But before we get into that, I will start by saying that one day at a time, I have 1000 and 16 days sober, and today I'm really reflecting on how I was able to show up yesterday in Epcot with my husband for a fabulous day.
Speaker 1:It was my first time going to Epcot since getting sober. We used to have annual passes before COVID and I remember how much of a struggle it was in the park not necessarily that I would drink in excess, but because I couldn't drink in excess and that kind of soured the whole day, because my husband was never really a drinker, even when I was a drinker, and so I remember going through the parks just constantly faded on when can I drink? How can I drink If maybe we can go in a bathroom break in the you know the world areas so that while he's in the bathroom I could sneak off and get a drink? Or how can I get two drinks, one maybe have one before I meet up with him again, like I was always about drinking or how I can drink or when I can drink, and I'm so grateful that I was able to experience Epcot yesterday without having to worry about all the drinking. It was a fabulous experience.
Speaker 1:The New Guardians of the Galaxy ride was amazing. It's during the flower festival right now, and so there were a lot of beautiful topiaries around and we had a fabulous day and it didn't involve drinking at all and even being around people, especially as the night went on and the different worlds had more drinking actively going on. I'm happy to say it didn't really bother me, it didn't affect me. I can see how it might have been hard if it was in my first couple of months of sobriety. But I was having a wonderful day in my own little world with my husband having a fabulous, magical day in one of the happiest places on earth, and so I wasn't going to let alcohol or children or angry parents or anything else that could happen around us affect our day. And it was a wonderful day and definitely a gift of sobriety that I wasn't able to have those types of experiences in areas where alcohol was present previously, because it was either drinking it or I was thinking about drinking it, and so it's beautiful gift.
Speaker 1:And with that I will transition over to our first interview with JP. Hey there, super Sober Heroes, it's Steve here with JP. Welcome to the show, jp. Thanks for having me. Yes, it's been great getting to know you and watch your journey on Instagram over the past few months of following you, but why don't you introduce yourself to everyone listening?
Speaker 2:Alrighty, cool. So, hi everyone, I'm JP. I have been now sober for 172 days, so it's around five and a half months a little bit longer and it is definitely one of the biggest positive changes I've ever made in my life. It's really helped me just become more clear of, like, what I want to do in life, what type of person I really am, and just being able to set goals, and things have been just a lot easier, having that clarity. So definitely that, for other things, is, I'm a school teacher, so it's also a big help in that sense of having to change how you might deal with stress. And yeah, that's about me. I'm a Pokemon nerd. I don't know, I'll put that out there also Big time, but of that I was very excited for Pokemon Day yesterday and the news, so that'll date when this interview came.
Speaker 1:Excellent, well, thank you so much and tell us what you were most grateful for today with your sobriety.
Speaker 2:I think one of the things I'm really most grateful for is being able to be present. I think that that is something that I kind of struggled with a lot in my life of like Focusing things and other places, and I am really enjoying right now of being present in all things. So I think that's something I'm really grateful for is just that ability to be able to do that.
Speaker 1:What and, yeah, I love having people on that have decades of time, but I also love having people on that are in the early stages, because it helps us remember what it was like and also just things have changed with the way that people can get sober and the amount of resources out there. Why don't you share a little bit about what your journey to sobriety was like? What was like before?
Speaker 2:So I'll say it was kind of staggered. Before I actually have had a couple of I'll call them stints of where, like, I was like, oh, I'm going to stop drinking because I don't need to, like, I have a good, I like my personality, like who I am, so I don't really need it. And so, like for like the last two summers before this really big turnaround, I actually remained sober the whole summer, like. So when I wasn't working, I was like, oh, I'm going to stop drinking. I was like, oh, I can do this, this is easy.
Speaker 2:But I noticed that when I was working it wasn't easy and I was like, hmm, that's something that I wanted to look into more. And this school year I just kind of was like I want to be a hundred percent just me. And so I really like started from there and I think that it's it's been a great change of like looking at how to deal with certain aspects of life, I guess without using alcohol, to and to like, even just like simple things of like having a drink after work. Many people do, like you know, that's their like go to, and I was like I don't really want that to be my go to. You know what I mean. So I think that's something that really led me into like this real big change.
Speaker 1:Excellent, and how has your life changed since getting sober this time around?
Speaker 2:I will say that I am very I'm much more self aware of my actions and I never really I didn't do anything that really caused any bad problems or anything but I'm much more aware of what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, how it might affect others For instance, not answering text messages or not doing things I looked at more of. You have to be more able to respond and not close yourself off. So that's one of the biggest things I think, too, that I've noticed is that my I've kind of had the willingness to say no, also, like I now don't put myself in situations where, like I feel uncomfortable. So I think that was the biggest thing is I'm I don't say I was a yes man, but like I would be like, oh yeah, we can go to that, that'll be fine, that'll be fun. And now I'm just like, no, I don't want to do that.
Speaker 2:I rather watch TV or, like, do something that's more relaxing than like a party or something of that nature. So definitely those things I put some notes to. Is that, oh, and just like looking at, like how my personality is of, like what type of person I really am and I think that's been a little bit of a journey is. I started to look myself in the mirror a little bit on some things, and I think that's sometimes a tough thing to do, but that's definitely something.
Speaker 1:So what's tell me more about that? What have you been looking in the mirror at? Just like kind of?
Speaker 2:basically, besides like focusing on like a lot of positives, I have identified like insecurities that I have, and I think that's something that's important for people to like figure out is like when you see like okay, I am insecure about like, for example, like just coming onto this meeting, I changed like six times for no reason, and for me it's like I'm so insecure about like vanity and I want to move away from that because it's not the most important thing, and so I think that's something that I've really realized.
Speaker 2:Of like okay, you've looked at yourself now six times you can move on. So that, and I think, too, is a little bit of like I don't want to say compulsions, but like realizing how I have to do things in a certain way, and I've never realized that until how stubborn I have found in the last few months of like I have to put like like, for example, every morning I have to eat oatmeal, I have to have a cup of coffee before I go to the gym, so it's just like silly things like that that I picked up on. Of like oh, wow. So it's kind of stuff like that that I've seen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can definitely relate to all of that actually, but especially with the control freak, because it's interesting, because I was a people pleaser as well. I think that a lot of us like find ourselves like we drink because we're just like why am I constantly people pleasing, but like I would people please people? So I would always say I was very go with the flow and that like I was good on the fly, but like no, I'm a control freak, like when I'm not passing it over to my higher power, like it's very easy for me to try and control things and if I have a wake up with a plan of what my day is going to be like if it beers I start to get anxious. So I understand like having to look at that a little closer and sobriety, because that's the type of stuff we drink over.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, no, totally. And because, as like for my job, everything is scheduled out all the time and if, like anything veers off, I have to like Breathe and like talk myself down of like how are you gonna move past like this not going the way you want it? So definitely like those things like you don't realize until like you're really realizing it, of like how just structured your brain is of what you need to do, I guess.
Speaker 1:So yeah, and you mentioned it getting when you were drinking like tougher during this the school year. What has the school year been like? Working through it sober? Has it been different?
Speaker 2:Absolutely it's, I will say, is that because of just like, I don't wanna say I've done massive changes, but it definitely has opened my eyes to a lot of really good things that I do instead of always focusing on, oh, I didn't do well at this or this or I struggled with this lesson.
Speaker 2:It's more of like I look at all of the okay like you are, you show up every day, you work hard, you do everything you're supposed to Like. I think that that's been a change of that. I have a different mentality and I also, like, really know my worth and I think that's something that, like, people forget about, no matter what profession we're in, is that you forget your own worth sometimes and like I know what I'm worth now and I think that's the biggest thing is each day I show up knowing my worth. And I think another big change and it's a minor change, but I kind of am following like the old school, like dress for success, like model I guess, and so like it's a shirt and tie every day, like I'm dressing professional because I'm showing the worth of that. My job is a profession, yeah, so I think that's definitely something. Yeah, I think it's really just it's changed that mentality to like it's twisted it into more of a like a positive outlook.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's mindset is so important. I've seen recently how you know if you go into the world thinking it's going to be a dark, scary place, it's going to be a dark, scary place, but when you like go out there being like it's going to be a great day, like it's normally a pretty awesome day, and the kind of thing goes with like that with work, where you can look at everything that you're doing that's bad, or you can look at everything that you're doing that's good and, yeah, congratulations on the good work. And also like way to go for recovering out loud so early. What inspired you to be so open about your sobriety on social media?
Speaker 2:I think for me is like, if you can probably tell by my personality, I'm kind of like an out loud person.
Speaker 2:I'm not hiding in the shadows, I guess, or anything of that nature, and I kind of just I'm like you know what, if I'm going to do it, like I want to be a hundred percent for myself and it kind of is like giving myself little reminders of why.
Speaker 2:Also, so like when I first started, I was kind of like I'm going to do like an every 30 days post of like you're going to do this 30 days and look at like how you've changed in that and then reflect, and then the next, and then the next. And then I mean I kind of after 90, I was like okay, like now I'm just going to continue with my life, cause I feel like after the 90, I was like that's a big milestone for many. For anybody to do anything in 90 days is pretty fantastic. And so I think it was from there on I was like you know what, I'm going to kick ass with this, and I might as well kick an ass out loud. I do everything else out loud, might as well be sober out loud too, and so it's become really part of my personality and I like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can relate to that so much before. Of my things I was most ashamed of were the way that I drank in my sexuality, and those are my two big things I'm loud and proud with. You are also loud and proud and have been inspiring as I began my fitness journey with the way that you work out. Tell us more about how, like working out has been part of your life leading up to recovery, and how that's changed.
Speaker 2:So kind of like with how I said my recovery journey, when it's like it went in pockets, Like I had for like a few years had been going to like a personal trainer and like try doing those things, and it was like a couple of days a week and like it worked Like I've never. I've always been in athletics or things of that nature, so like I'm always keeping myself healthy. But this time around I kind of this is kind of after that like 90 day vibe. I was like you know what, Like let's go for like another thing to add on to this. Like you're now like completely sober, you can go out to dinner, you can do all those things, not have a stress. Why don't you now add another discipline in? And so I kind of was like all right. So I had a friend and he was like oh, I'm doing this program. I like things that have trackers, and so it has a tracker on it. It goes like each time you do a thing you say complete workout and it gives you a little congratulations, whatever. So I'll try it.
Speaker 2:So I tried it once. I failed. I got like through two days and was like no, I can't do that. But then I just I was like I went back to it and I was like I'm going to go back to the gym and like restart this and like try again. And this time around is like I just like changed of when I was going to go. So I'm like you know what, I'm going to get up in the morning before work and see if that's the best time for me. And since then I'm like 21 straight days of like going at 430 in the morning, getting up, and it's now become part of that routine I have, which now, like you know, I was said as like I'm scheduled, so now I have to do it.
Speaker 2:So, it definitely was a big like adjustment, but since then it's now just the routine.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. I see the times that you arrive at the gym and I know that that is not for me, but I enjoy that. When I do wake up and get to the gym in my time and when daylight is out, and so is the people, I really enjoy. But you've been a real inspiration for that as well. It's just you know like I respect anyone who recovers out loud because I remember how alone I felt. Did you stop like I mean being someone who was so out loud? You say like about everything when you were drinking, was it? Were you like out loud with that? Did people know that it was a problem or was that something you were silent about before?
Speaker 2:I think it was more.
Speaker 2:That is something I'd say like a 50-50 is that I it was more of. I kind of look at, my problem of when I was drinking was it wasn't like a day-to-day struggle, but it was like the fine, fine, fine, fine. You know what I'm saying. So I do like wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, then had a bad Friday and was like I'm gonna have three dirty martinis and then go do this and go do this and then all of a sudden, like I'm waking up the next day having the anxiety for five days straight, like struggling to like function.
Speaker 2:And I think that those type of things are where, like I was, like you know what, like though you're fine for most of the time, those little dips that you aren't are not good for your mental health and not good for, like, your personality.
Speaker 2:And I think that's kind of where, like I was, like I am being, I'm not doing the right thing out loud if I'm gonna preach like positivity and then I'm going into a dark spot. I have to figure out how to get out of that dark spot. So I think that was my big turning point, I guess, of just getting that realization and like having people to be like, oh, like you like said, like you know how many people have filters, but you're a very boisterous person. You know when your filter is, when you are sober, but when you kind of get a little more loose, your filter can go away and I think that I lose a filter a little bit, and I think that is something that I don't want to be able to lose. Like, I want to be able to have the control, as I've said. I've said a lot of things I have control over, I guess, but the control over, like, what I say and how I treat people and how I am in any situation, and I just don't want to ever lose that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so relatable. I was talking with my sponsor yesterday about how important it is like for me to be able to let things go with that and just go with the flow sometimes, cause, yeah, it's easy to try and control the things around us. Now you mentioned how great your work has gotten and your physical fitness. Tell me more about your relationships and how those have improved or new connections you've made in sobriety.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know I've made a lot of great new connections. I mean, I've made a connection with you, which is really nice and that's really cool, like just meeting new people. Hearing new people's stories I think has helped build myself up to being able to then and not fix relationships, but like build the ones that I've already had like to go back, like even like with like my parents, like last time we, the last few times, like we've gone to dinner or whatever. They just like tell me how, like happy I am, and they're like we know that you have stress and all that stuff, but they're like you just have this aura of happiness, like you are content with how life is, like you aren't every day having a meltdown about this or that, like you are more aware of like yep, there's stuff I can control and there's stuff I can't. So I can't worry about the stuff I can't control all the time and I have to just take a breath and look at everything in a good sense of it, and I think that's a big thing for myself.
Speaker 2:And two of like I think I said earlier about like responding to people and checking back in, and I think that I've always been a person who is like, oh well, this person doesn't text me in like a week, so like they don't care what I'm doing, and it's like, well, that's not the case, because you also did not text them for three months, like you know what I mean. So I think definitely it's helped me bridge all back those relationships and help just make people know that I'm here for them, and I think that's what I care about. Is that I just like was I don't wanna say I was like lost in my own head, but I think for a while I was just like lost of like the well, whatever, it doesn't matter, like whatever. Like well, I'll talk to them in two months, and it's like that's not a good mentality to have. So I think that definitely has been a change for myself, and I think, too, is, just as I said, being able to like meet and talk and see other people's inspirations is really cool, like I think that that's what I really love about like this community in general is like you get to celebrate people like every day, like there's every day is a celebration for like anything, and I think that that's when, like you wake up in the morning, I like go, I have like my sober app, and I can't wait to look at, like, all the stories of people who are at the same like day as me, like, oh, this is what you're doing, oh, this is a quote you did.
Speaker 2:Oh, this is something that you're struggling with, but I might have two, so like I can comment, so I think those are just definitely things that I've really, really loved and I cherish, like I think that it's important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it definitely is. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to introduce yourself to my listeners. I'm excited to follow you on your journey and have you back down the road for more topic episodes and stuff.
Speaker 2:Awesome. Thank you for having me. I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much, jp. Again, it has been an inspiration watching you post your pictures on Instagram, so definitely everyone you're interested in following JP Definitely worth a follow. And another person who I have gotten to know more recently is Tim T, and I will share my interview with him with you all now. Hey there, super Serber Heroes, it's Steve here with Tim T. Thanks, tim, for coming on.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:And I had the pleasure of meeting you recently through the here Queer Sober Facebook group. Why don't you introduce yourself to my listeners and viewers?
Speaker 3:Well, my name is Tim. I live in Fort St Lucie, florida. I've been down here since 2015 and originally from right outside New York City, in Westchester County, new York.
Speaker 1:Very interesting. I'm on the West Coast of Florida now and from Long Island New York, so our journey's, we've gone from state to state together.
Speaker 3:Yep, yep, mine wasn't by choice. I was gifted a one-way ticket. So you know, and I'm down here almost 10 years later. So some's working, yeah, certainly.
Speaker 1:And what are you most grateful about being sober for today?
Speaker 3:Oh gosh, there's so many things, but to be a good son, to be a good brother, to be a good uncle, to be a good friend employee, I mean, it's just. You know, I feel like I have a purpose now being a human being, being a human being.
Speaker 1:Excellent. Yeah, that definitely sounds like you show up. That's wonderful, and why don't we jump into it then and tell us a little bit about what your journey through addiction and to sobriety was like?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, where do I begin? You know there's so many like examples. I could, you know, say like you know, that was me being an alcoholic before I knew what an alcoholic was.
Speaker 1:And why don't we jump right into it, then, and tell me a little bit about your journey through addiction and into recovery?
Speaker 3:It's been quite the journey. You know I can look back at things and before I even knew what alcoholism or being an alcoholic was, I first saw it in my mom. She is also an alcoholic and she's been sober now for about 18 years. So even when she was in the grips of her alcoholism and addiction, I didn't really understand what was going on. I was in my teenage years so I just thought she was that shit crazy. I had no idea what was going on. She would just all of a sudden just like turn and she was like a violent and verbally abusive alcoholic. And I used to see these women come into our house with this you know the blue book, which is the Alcoholics Anonymous book, and I was very confused because I'm like I don't understand why these women are sitting there just reading to her. She needs like a straight jacket and ambulance right now to take her away. You know this is just beyond confusing.
Speaker 3:And then you know I was always on a schedule growing up, being involved with school and sports. So it really took off for me in college when the schedule was very much lifted and going back to, you know the signs. You know I remember, you know freshman year being able to, you know, drink with the seniors, you know, not really thinking anything of it, you know, it was cool. And then everybody wanted to go to bed when there was, you know, still alcohol left over or it really wasn't that late, and I thought that was really weird, you know, I didn't understand why people wanted to go to bed when there was more fun to have. And then, if I did actually, you know, go to sleep, I had a goal that I would try to wake up and still be drunk, you know, because that was like a great feeling for me. I just wanted to be drunk all the time. But it was more, you know, controlled, because I still was involved with swimming in college, with sports and kind of having to be watched academically for NCAA regulations.
Speaker 3:So once I got out of college, you know, all hell kind of broke loose. And, you know, I got my own place and, you know, worked or drinking around my job. I used to joke around and give myself like bed times if I had to get up early in the morning, and I followed those in the beginning. But, you know, as my drinking progressed, those, you know, 12 midnight bed times became one, became two or, you know, not even any sleep at all, and it all caught up with me. You know, it didn't take me a year or two, but you know, I realized that. You know, alcohol really smelled in the professional world. So I started doing a little bit of cocaine, which turned into a lot of cocaine, and that was what I liked to call my peanut butter and jelly.
Speaker 3:And, long story short, I went to my first treatment center up North in Connecticut in 2013. Pretty much went for job consequences and family, you know, urging me to go. You know, it wasn't great, it wasn't a bad experience. I just was not ready to listen. You know, I got introduced to AA. I understood what that blue book that the you know, these women would bring into my mom was about. So I still had, you know, my doubts because my mom didn't get healthy, you know. And they came in and read that book and you know, and I have these people telling me oh, you know, if you go through these steps of alcoholics, anonymous, and follow the book, you'll get better. And I'm like well, my mom didn't. You know she eventually did.
Speaker 3:But you know, I was looking for an instant gratification back then and I was looking for an instant gratification. In my first treatment center. You know I didn't understand that I had to do work. You know I thought I went to treatment and I was cured I really did. I used to watch the show Intervention, and you know, at the end of it they'd be like you know so-and-so, you know, left treatment and relapsed and I'd be like I don't understand how people relapse when they go to treatment. Like that's like the end of it in my head back then.
Speaker 3:So you know, I got out of that treatment center and I didn't get a sponsor, I didn't go to meetings, I didn't go through the book, obviously, and I kind of white-knuckled it and used you know my discipline in life and you know a goal to stay sober for 90 days. And I picked up, probably like I think it was a Bud Light, if I remember, and I was fine and I was like you know what. Maybe it was the cocaine that was the issue, maybe it wasn't the drinking, and I ran with that. Because I like to say of like the, the defense committee in my head that you know they prevent, they present their defense for why I should be drinking or doing something I'm not supposed to be doing and you know I'll win the debate in my head with the committee as I call it to. You know, take a first drink or, you know, lie or something like that. So I mean pretty much after I went to my first treatment center.
Speaker 3:You know, my family once they knew that I was drinking again, they were not happy so I kind of got cut off from them, kept my job for a little bit but you know, in the end of can't keep a job being an alcoholic if I'm drinking. So yeah, things got really bad. You know, I lost my apartment no money, pretty much. I had my car, that was it walking around New York City being in places I shouldn't be. And I was finally gifted a runway ticket to Florida and was really new to halfway houses. You know heard about them, didn't want anything to do with them, but I, you know, had no choice and I just kind of got into a really good halfway house where the guys were actually working a program and they told me if I don't get a sponsor, if I don't go to five meetings a week and I don't, I'm not actively doing recovery, whether it's AA or NA, I would be homeless and I didn't know anybody down here.
Speaker 3:So I did it and, thank God, you know, my first sponsor was, as they call it, old school and he was straight out of the book. He was a North New Jersey motorcyclist and completely opposite of me. But I know, when he spoke people listened and my ego, of course, is still like when I speak, I want people to listen to me too, so I want what he has. You know he didn't just do what he said in that hour of the meeting, he actually lived it the other 23 hours of the day. And you know we went through the steps and you know, long story short, my life got really good.
Speaker 3:I had about four years clean and sober. I got out of the halfway. I got out of that $8 an hour job that I rode my bike to. You know. I got a better job. I got a car. My bank account got bigger, you know, and this is what I thought it was, this is like. This is why I got sober, you know, because, like where I came from, in New York, a good life is very materialistic, as I can honestly say now. So I thought that was still what was going to make me happy. So, when I got bigger and better things that I worked for, and all the result of AA and working a program recovery.
Speaker 3:My meetings started to slack, you know. I started to let up on my program. You know I stopped sponsoring guys, I stopped calling my sponsor, I stopped praying. You know, it's like the Bermuda Triangle, as they call it. You know, if somebody usually goes out, I can say this firsthand it's either they stop going to meetings, stop praying or stop calling their sponsor or sponsoring. And yeah, and then I eventually picked up a white claw because I'm like white claw is not going to get me anywhere, it's not going to end badly like it did. You know I have my life together.
Speaker 3:I have this knowledge of what alcoholism is. There's no way I could ever go back to what it was and it just became a very vicious cycle, you know, between the relapsing, the lying, and then you know, everybody finding out I was drinking and then trying to prove to them that my life was fine, I can drink successfully. And you know, then COVID hitting and I just it just became a revolving door of stopping going back to AA. Stopping going back to AA, relapsing, stopping. You know, and it's for me, being a true alcoholic, it's a no-win. And you know I, looking back at it, the reason why I kept going back to AA was because I just knew it worked. You know, I know my mom got sober for it from it and I saw her drunk firsthand and she was a beast. And I remember when I knew that she was sober and it worked in her life, that's when, you know, I started fully working in an AA program in Florida and you know it just was a very.
Speaker 3:It was just a couple of years that were really, really dark and the progression is like the core of my story because I remember I would sit in meetings and I would hear these people talk about the things that they would do, the repercussions they would have, whether it was with the law or health. You know just all this stuff that I would look at them and be like that would never happen to me. That's never going to happen to me. I'm never going to use a needle. You know I would never be homeless in my car again. I would never get arrested because I'm smarter than that. You know all this stuff that I just heard and was just kind of like shocked about and you know that they would fully admit because I was just my first of all. There was no God per se in my life.
Speaker 3:You know I had a hard time letting go of the wheel, as you can say it, but you know my priorities were somewhere else. You know I was. My goal was to get money and a job and make everything look good for everybody. That was back in New York and you know that didn't work. That doesn't work. You know those things don't make me happy internally and you know all those things that I heard started happening and it didn't happen.
Speaker 3:With the first, second, third, fourth relapse. You know they would happen with the. It would just happen. Every time I would relapse, something else would, worse would happen, and then this time around it got really bad.
Speaker 3:You know I was I don't want to say I was introduced to meth, but this is honestly how the story went. Someone I was partying with, you know, had meth and they're like do you want to smoke it? And I kind of looked at it and I'm like I don't. I was, my ego was like, and I was like that's gross, I don't do meth, I do cocaine. You know that's exactly what I said. And then I was thinking, well, I would never get addicted to this drug and I'm like, so what the hell, I'll do it. And my God that is. You know, for me drugs and alcohol are all the same thing, just spelled differently. But that drug took me to the darkest places I've ever been and I didn't think that anything would happen. That did happen to me.
Speaker 3:You know, I had this time around, sepsis, myrsa, I had a blood infection, I had a bone infection. You know, my organs started shutting down. It's really a miracle. I'm not the miracle. I know that for me, god provided the miracle to give me another shot at life because I went into emergency surgery. They gave me my last rights, you know, and I had like about a 25% chance of really coming out of the surgery. And I woke up in the hospital and I had no idea what happened.
Speaker 3:You know I was, you know I actually should say I came out of the meth psychosis about seven days later after the surgery. And you know, I would like to say that I woke up and I had this, you know, perception change and, you know, a spiritual experience. I wanted to get high. I wanted to get high so bad, and the only thing preventing me was the alarm on my bed for me not to get out of it. I was tied up because I get up of course, I wasn't the most pleasant patient in a meth psychosis and I had a huge scar down my stomach, you know, because you know, and I couldn't walk and I was like still thinking, how am I going to figure out how to get out of this and go get high. You know, and that's kind of you know where this last journey began, and that was back in June of 2022. So, yeah, I mean it's just been a wild ride.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and what would you say? Thank you for sharing all of that. I mean, that's very powerful and we're glad you're here today. What would you say has been different this time around?
Speaker 3:So this time around I really, really, 100% Rawley, got honest. I would. You know, I'm a very black and white person and I've gotten better at that and I would like to say that there, you know this happened or that happened, but it was just honestly the work I put in. And you know, I went into treatment and I went to about a six-week program. I pretty much went to rehab, not for detoxification but to pretty much be able to have the strength to go to the PHP or treatment level, to go to groups, because I still was learning how to walk and like function again. But I was just honest. I sat there every day in treatment and they were like, how are you doing? And I'd be like I'm okay, you know, I'm fine, I'm feeling okay, better, but I want to drink, I want to get high. And they would look at me like I was crazy because they knew what I just went through. And I'm like the old me would have been like and whether it was the clients, you know the therapist wouldn't do it, but the clients would be like what's wrong with you? And I'd be like I'm sorry, I'm being honest, but the old me would be like, well, I'm okay, you know I'm not working my steps. I'm doing the best I can to feel good and that's what I used to do. I used to ace treatment. You know I can do that. But I knew this time around I'm like if I don't do something right now, like I'm not coming back again. You know I don't have another, I can't do this again. You know my body is deteriorated as it is. So it started there and I always like to point out this. You know, when I realized I was actually insane, you know, because I could sit here and say you know I'm crazy, of course I am, but when it really hit me that I was insane alcohol, we were. It was like my second week in treatment and you know the therapist had us do a skit on the weekend and there was about 60 people in treatment. So if anybody's familiar, we do.
Speaker 3:We did the J Walker skit from the Alcoholics Anonymous book and the J Walker is a guy that you know they use as an example for us drinking, that he keeps crossing the street and you know he crosses the street and he gets almost hit by a car and it gets mildly injured. And then you know he keeps crossing the street and people are warning him you're gonna get hurt, you're gonna get killed, you know, and it's the same thing with our drinking. And then by the end of the story you know he's got a broken back, his wife leaves him, he loses his job and he can't stop J walking. And you know, when they were picking like the skits, like we had a narrator and then someone had to play the J Walker, they were like who wants to play the J Walker?
Speaker 3:And everybody just shot their head over at me, like looked at me, and I was just like sitting there, like this, like fuck, are you people all laughing at? Let me look at that. You know, I was like why are you guys all looking at me? And they were like you are the real life, j Walker. And I was like no, you people are crazy. I actually know what's going on and I just know that I'm just severely like sick right now. But you guys are the crazy ones because, like, I'm still better than all of you.
Speaker 3:And it hit me. I'm like, oh my God, all these 50, 60 people are literally telling me that I am the real life J Walker and I was. And that's when it kind of hit me like I am so fucked, no matter how much like I study the big book, no matter how many meetings I go to, no matter anything I do, how many people I sponsor, you know, whatever step studies, whatever I gotta do, like there is like this complete hole in me, you know, and they call it like I call it the hole in the donut. You know that's always gonna be just. You know, sick, lonely, woe is me. You know me against the world and I'm like there's absolutely nothing on this earth that's going to repair that. Yeah, I can delay picking up a drink again as much as you know I want by, you know, going to meetings and doing all those things which help. But I will drink again unless I don't have a spiritual experience, you know, unless I don't have a God or higher power in my life. And that's when it really hit me like I can't do this. I cannot stop drinking on my own willpower, you know. And that's when I really kind of just started saying, okay, you know, what do I got to do? Tell me what I have to do and I'll do it, and I'll. I'm just going to do whatever you tell me, wherever you want me to go, whatever you want me to say whatever you want me to read, do and what, how, whatever. I'm so open to the suggestions. And it was just that I just started saying okay. And even if I didn't want to say okay, I would be like I don't want to do this, but I'm going to do it because I know it's good for me.
Speaker 3:And, you know, got out of treatment and started working the steps again and going through them with my sponsor and one of the first questions he asked me was do you want to be sober? And I said I mean I want to. Yeah, I really want to try to be sober. I don't know any other way. I'm going to die. And he's like well, where do you see yourself in a couple of years? And I was like I really don't think I'm going to be sober. And he's like that's fine. He's like right now you don't think you're a true alcoholic. Then he's like because you have some sort of reservation, he goes. That's lack of confidence or whatever it is, but he goes. All you have to do is worry about today. He's like that's it. He's like do you feel like drinking today? And I said absolutely not. He's like that's good. He's like that's all you need to worry about.
Speaker 3:And I have literally just been doing what my sponsors told me to do, because he's not steered me in the wrong direction. He's a man of respect, he's been in a monogamous relationship for close to 30 years now and I want what he has. I want to be happy, I want to be a member of AA, I want to have a husband and a healthy relationship. And he took me through the steps and probably the most vigorous and honest way that I couldn't escape it. And even if I tried to give him a BS answer, he was just looking at me. He's like is that really what you're thinking or what you're feeling? And I would be like no, I'm just trying to make this hour long, mean above ours like any quicker, and I never were an hour.
Speaker 3:But and then really working on six and seven, my character defects, because that's where it all begins. You know my character defects are where I start getting myself into trouble, whether it's lying, being promiscuous, you know, stealing, whatever you want to do, like things I would do in sobriety that I really didn't think would have any repercussions. They're going to come back and bite me in the ass in the end, because the major things that happen in life don't usually take me out. The major things like I'm shocked and then like people come surround me for them whether it's like you know someone passing away or you know a breakup or something like that Like people will come and make sure I'm okay, but like I call it the ankle biters.
Speaker 3:You know the little things in life that pissed me off.
Speaker 3:You know just little stuff like that that accumulate and all the sudden I just like flip out or lose my mind and I don't know what to do.
Speaker 3:Those are the things I try to maintain now and you know character defects is usually I produce the ankle biters because I'm either doing something selfish or trying to control something that I want to go my way, and then it doesn't ever go my way and I cry like a baby still and I think life is unfair and this is like all the stuff and the tools that I never really had until I finally just started being honest and saying this is what I'm upset about.
Speaker 3:You know, this is what I'm thinking about, this is what I want to do, and I know it's not right, but I this is what I really am thinking, I want to do or, you know, try to take control of, and my sponsors like that's fine, and he's like just realize that it's good You're being honest about it, talk about it with people and things are going to work out, as long as that your intentions are in the right place. So I guess that can summarize kind of like how I've been trying to live this past I guess year and a half, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:And you also, I believe, when we were talking, mentioned how, in addition to 12 year, you know your 12 step programs, which have also saved my life, that physical fitness has been a big part of your recovery.
Speaker 3:Yes, so, as I said, sports have always been involved in my life, especially swimming. And when I first got sober, I started running. And running not only got like the sober weight off, you know, because people would be like, wow, you're really enjoying sobriety and I'd be like what. But you know, I started having health problems no, not just like from drugs and alcohol, but people you know like I was like overweight, you know, a little bit of blood pressure in there, but what I did was I just started running and I literally ran around the block, you know, and that's where it began, and I remember that I was like I can't run more than one time around this block and I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. So it just started there and running is really, you know, it's a lot of anxiety, not only helped me health wise, but it's also gotten a lot of anxiety overthinking depression out. I really think that when I feel really worked up or, you know, something is really bothering me, or eating my lunch I'm a big believer and move a muscle change of thought, because if I sit there and let it fester, my blood is just going to boil or my anxiety is going to like shoot out my ears. So I have to like just get up and even do like a minute or two of like walking around or, you know, go into the bathroom or stuff like that. So you know the running really started me feeling like in the right mindset. You know I felt like I was accomplishing something, getting myself in better shape and also just releasing you know the quote unquote craziness. You know that I felt like was within me.
Speaker 3:So it started there and then after this time around, like I remember sitting in my hospital bed and I was like I've never run a marathon sober and I was like I don't think I'll ever be able to do that again. And it was not planned. But you know I ran the Treasure Coast marathon last year and it was good because it was kind of like giving me a schedule again where I would have like a goal. If I was ever feeling a little squirrely whether it would be, you know, with emotions, feelings or maybe in cravings I'd go out for a run just to get my mind off it because I had a goal, you know, in the future, of running the marathon.
Speaker 3:So, slowly but surely, I've had a very love hate relationship with swimming since it ended in college, I got back in the pool and fell in love with it again and I really appreciate it now because not only was swimming but was running, like when I work out at like, I zone out and I allow myself to have selfish time. Because I'm still a selfish person in my core. You know that's one of my big character defects, but I allow myself to be selfish when I'm working out. You know it's me time, and then I talk a lot with God and I can zone out with music. You know music's a very big part of my life.
Speaker 3:If I'm having a bad day, I might play, you know, heavy metal. If I'm feeling good, you know I might play like a little Adele, you know, if I'm feeling real spiritual or something like that. So it's just allows me to. You know, if I'm having an issue, I zone out, I kind of bring it to God and I always feel better after in that problem that I was so worried about whether it was, you know, keeping me up last night, you know, worrying about it the next day after a workout. I'm like it's really not that big of a deal, you know, and I also feel accomplished. You know I did something for myself, and then I'm more willing to be able to be of service throughout the rest of the day, because I feel like my job's over being selfish, so let me be selfless the rest of the day.
Speaker 1:Excellent. Well, thank you for all of that. I definitely can relate to a lot with the fitness and the music. That's been huge for me because I got my sober weight and I kept it on for quite a while and then it was fun working it off. I know that getting in just like almost sobriety people, once you hit that 90 day mark of working out there like I love it, it's a great. It's part of my routine but oftentimes the trouble is getting started. If someone is having trouble starting their physical fitness, how would you, what kind of tips would you recommend for them?
Speaker 3:So the best advice I would give someone that is, you know, struggling or hesitant about it is, you know, do what I did Because, like, when I ran around that block, I really didn't want to do it, but I remember I was, you know, really struggling with something in my halfway house and I just needed to get out of there, you know, and I was like rooming with two other people. But whether you're in a halfway house or not, just, you know, get up and walk around the block or something like that. You know, if you've got a pet, take him out for a walk, maybe, you know, go a little bit more. Like it starts out small, you know, and me being a very impatient person, I had to realize that and I had to make sure that I wasn't overdoing it and I wasn't burning myself out and I wasn't injuring myself. So, you know, it started with a one lap around the block and then, I think, like two weeks later, I did two laps and then, like two weeks later, I was able to do like three laps with like a walk on lap two.
Speaker 3:You know, going to the gym. I know it's big in recovery down here. A lot of people do it. It's not only good for your health and getting in shape. But I see a lot of people in the gym down here that are in the rooms of AA. So it's kind of cool because you get to feel like you're. You know, with a couple of people that you have this relationship with intimately. You know being an alcoholic or an addict. So you know, whatever you think a small goal would be, just set it. You know, don't look at the big picture when it comes to start working out, but the most important thing is just to start. You know, just start, whether it's water, aerobics or light weights or a jog or a walk. You know, if it's a nice day out, take advantage of it. You know I've missed so many days being drunk on nice days. So, like, whenever I have a good day, a good sunrise or good sunset, I always take advantage of it.
Speaker 1:Excellent advice and any last minute advice for sobriety.
Speaker 3:Sobriety, god. It is the last thing that I ever wanted, but it is the best thing that I've ever done for myself. I could go on and on about sobriety and what it's given me, and the people in my life and you know that have gotten sober. It's a really loaded question.
Speaker 1:Good thing. You are always welcome to come back on as we do more topic episodes. I wanted to give you a little more time today to get to introduce yourself to everyone, but you can always come back for more advice too.
Speaker 3:Okay, cool, I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Excellent, and if someone was interested in finding you on the socials to connect, what would be the best way to connect?
Speaker 3:You can look me up on Facebook, tim Tully, and then my Instagram is at Ttully528. That's T-T-U-L-L-Y-528. Excellent.
Speaker 1:And I'll be sure to add those to the show notes listeners so you can connect with Tim be resonated with what he showed with you today. Thank you so much, Tim, it's been a pleasure.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, Tim. I look forward to getting to know you better as our sobriety journeys continue on. And thank you again earlier for JP. Both of you guys were amazing to interview and I am just so thankful that you both were able to share experiences, not only finding sobriety but also how the physical fitness has impacted you.
Speaker 1:I know that we have to take care of ourselves first when we enter sobriety, and sometimes that's more sweets. But after having lived through the struggle of gaining a lot of weight and then all of a sudden having that lack of confidence about myself or the way that I looked in the mirror didn't really help my sobriety get any better after that. So finding a nice middle ground between having those sweets and also moving a little bit more than you normally would, I think are two great ways of making sure that you can stay sober another day and have a fabulous, wonderful life as a super sober hero. So with that, thank you all so much for tuning into another episode. I look forward to seeing you next Thursday for another episode of Gay A featuring Jane Nine and Chad C. Until that time, stay sober, friends.