Hey there, Super Soberheroes! Today we have two stories that both touch on unique experiences, but share receiving an ADHD diagnosis in sobriety.
We're joined by Chad C from Vancouver, who shares his 23-year journey through sobriety, competitive figure skating, and the unexpected challenges life throws our way. His story, filled with gratitude for life's gifts including marriage and travel, offers a raw and inspiring look at overcoming obstacles and the importance of supportive networks.
The conversation takes a deeper look at the intersection of recovery and maintaining physical fitness, an often-overlooked aspect of the sober life. Through my own struggles and triumphs, we address the complexities of eating disorders, particularly in the high-pressure world of competitive sports, and how these experiences shape our paths toward healthy living. We also touch on the intricacies of recovery, which demand more than just exercise and nutrition, reminding us that self-compassion and accountability are crucial for sustained sobriety. Moreover, the episode underscores the broader impact of personal recovery on relationships and responsibilities, urging us to stay alert to the dangers of an all-or-nothing approach in our ongoing quest for growth.
Wrapping up, we celebrate the milestones of our guest J9, who shares the latest twists in their life's journey, including a fresh single, Pleasure and Pain, amidst the backdrop of sobriety and an ADHD diagnosis. Unpacking the nuances of emotional regulation and daily management of ADHD, we offer insights and strategies that resonate with many who navigate similar challenges.
Thanks for listening!
Find Chad Online: Chad Conley on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/chadlconley and Instagram @chad_c78
Find J9's New Song, Pleasure and Pain Streaming: bit.ly/PleasureAndPain-stream
Follow J9 on all the socials @J9grooves
Hey there, Super Soberheroes! Today we have two stories that both touch on unique experiences, but share receiving an ADHD diagnosis in sobriety.
We're joined by Chad C from Vancouver, who shares his 23-year journey through sobriety, competitive figure skating, and the unexpected challenges life throws our way. His story, filled with gratitude for life's gifts including marriage and travel, offers a raw and inspiring look at overcoming obstacles and the importance of supportive networks.
The conversation takes a deeper look at the intersection of recovery and maintaining physical fitness, an often-overlooked aspect of the sober life. Through my own struggles and triumphs, we address the complexities of eating disorders, particularly in the high-pressure world of competitive sports, and how these experiences shape our paths toward healthy living. We also touch on the intricacies of recovery, which demand more than just exercise and nutrition, reminding us that self-compassion and accountability are crucial for sustained sobriety. Moreover, the episode underscores the broader impact of personal recovery on relationships and responsibilities, urging us to stay alert to the dangers of an all-or-nothing approach in our ongoing quest for growth.
Wrapping up, we celebrate the milestones of our guest J9, who shares the latest twists in their life's journey, including a fresh single, Pleasure and Pain, amidst the backdrop of sobriety and an ADHD diagnosis. Unpacking the nuances of emotional regulation and daily management of ADHD, we offer insights and strategies that resonate with many who navigate similar challenges.
Thanks for listening!
Find Chad Online: Chad Conley on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/chadlconley and Instagram @chad_c78
Find J9's New Song, Pleasure and Pain Streaming: bit.ly/PleasureAndPain-stream
Follow J9 on all the socials @J9grooves
Hey there, super Sober Heroes. It's your host, sober Steve, the podcast guy here with season two, episode five, as we get to know Chad C, and he shares his experience, strength and hope, as well as catch up with Pod Fam J9 with updates on their music and what's been new in their life. So with that, today I am happy to clock in with 1,018 days, so Sober, one day at a time. And something I'm grateful for today, I would say, is the Sober community that I'm finding in real life. I know I've talked about recently the fun that I've been having out and about in my community with things like my also youth volunteering and my church relationships and community that I'm building there. But another thing that I've started to do is it started with 12 step meetings but has since then grown into actually like a fellowship of people that I hang out with locally who are sober and after. It only took like a thousand and 10, 15 days or so, but I finally had my first like meeting after the meeting in person, where we afterwards go out to dinner and have that experience of going to a restaurant and talking afterwards about everything and getting to know people. It's different having the experience on zoom, being a zoom baby. Even when the world opened up again, I was still limiting myself in the way that I looked at the world as a scary place to venture out into in person meetings. And so now that I'm able to have this in person community of sober people that I'm getting to know has been really exciting and really taken my sobriety another level. I'm super, super excited to be going to the Florida roundup with a lot of these people that I'm meeting in the next couple months and I just think that it's just peeling another layer back and we all recover at our own rates and at our own paces.
Speaker 1:And for me, what I really needed during this first couple of years was a lot of virtual spaces that had people that looked like me and sound like me and feel like me and had that beginner's mindset. And as I grew, my recovery and my mindset started to change. It's been exciting getting to open myself up to these new experiences where I'm able to like get peel back that onion a little bit further in terms of what it means to connect with other alcoholics and doing it in person, with in person events and service and meetings and things like that, has just been a game changer and another awesome development in my new phase of living. This like awesome, amazing, wonderful life of sobriety and it's pretty cool. So I just want to take a moment to share that with you.
Speaker 1:Whether you do well, set programs where you can have those meetings after meetings, or if there are sober organizations in your area. I know that there are lots of bigger towns and small cities and big cities and places that have sober meetups and sober communities where you don't necessarily need to identify with a program one way, shape or form, and there are even roundups and other organizations that are very open and welcoming. So definitely try and experience. If you, like me, spend your first couple of years of sobriety trying to seek mostly virtual places, because that's where it felt safe for you. As you feel safer in your sobriety, I challenge you to branch out a little bit more, because it was a little scary at first, but as I've done it, I'm really glad that I did it and oftentimes I think we can relate to that feeling of making that whole next hurdle seem a lot more insurmountable as we're looking at it from further away. But when we actually get up and we're ready to climb that mountain or jump over that hurdle that we realized that it's not as high as we made it out to be. And so with that, that's my little what's new with me in my life and my recovery.
Speaker 1:So I will pass it over, because we have two amazing interviews today. I got to know Chad recently, and J9 has been on a few times and it's always a pleasure to catch up with. And so with this, let's start with Chad. Hey, there, everyone. It's Steve here now with Chad. Hey, chad. Hi, how are you, steve? Good, it was great getting to meet you through the here Queer Sober Group. Why don't you introduce yourself to my listeners and viewers?
Speaker 3:Sure, my name is Chad Conley and I live up in Vancouver, canada. Maybe some of your viewers will know me as I've been involved in the Gate Recovery Pune 84 over. I guess I have almost come up to 23 years sober now, and so it's just an opportunity to be here today to represent that community and maybe offer some advice to those that are new and looking to add some things to their life that will enhance their recovery aspect.
Speaker 1:Excellent. Yes, I'm looking forward to it. Well, why don't we start with? What are you most grateful for today?
Speaker 3:What am I most grateful for today? You know what I'm grateful that I got to wake up sober today and have breakfast with my. I just got married two months ago. So my beautiful husband and I'm excited that I get to start preparing to go to Florida on Wednesday.
Speaker 1:Very exciting. Yes, that's a lot of gratitude. I love it. Excellent. And why don't we jump right in then and tell us a little bit about your journey to recovery was like?
Speaker 3:So I was explain my story. I was a high ranking competitive athlete in Canada in figure skating and it was through, you know, when I was about 14, I think I realized then that that skating wasn't just something that I did, it was it was my life and it was it was my job. My parents were sacrificing a lot for me on that. I said, and you know I remember I got brought on to my first tour at the end of the season and I came back in and we had been touring around the States and you know I'd been going to New Orleans and stuff like that, and so, not really paying attention to my diet night, a Russian coach and I don't know if people are familiar with what Russians are like, but their communication and their ability to tell the truth is is next level, we'll say this season on drag race.
Speaker 1:That's plain, jane, right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I've been watching her, and just because people don't like what's being said doesn't mean that it's not true or relevant. But I think when you're dealing with a 14 year old in a sport where you're a couple of pounds off, maybe you know you're getting back on the ice and you already feel that couple of pounds and you're going into your jobs and you're falling because you're timing is off or you know you're not skinny this fast or your flexibility is good or your toes aren't as pointed as you want, and so when you have a 14 year old coach going, see, I let you out on that leash and come back in your fat, and that's exactly what was said. It wasn't like oh, you know, let's get you back into training. You know, let's get you back on that diet. You're off having fun on that summer tour that you're away for three weeks. It was like you came back to me you're fat and now we have to start all over again. And you know he has. Before people freak out and think that this guy is a monster. I think he's realized over the years that maybe some of the things that he's done and said created a lot of damage along the way and so you don't have to be sober to make an amends to somebody. You just have to take ownership of what you did and realize what you've done to that person is wrong. So about 10 years ago he pulled me aside and he goes I shouldn't have said what I said. We probably would have had a better relationship if I hadn't have been so with you.
Speaker 3:And so that is where my eating disorder started. And what happened was I used to go to ballet school part time, so to help with my skating, and so there is no shortage of eating disorders in that community. And so, of course, I went to somebody who I could tell was probably missing a meal or two and said hey, how do you do this? How do you balance about? How do you not fall over from exhaustion if you're not eating properly? And they're always willing to teach you. You know it's not the best thing to be taught, but it's also like that person who taught you how to do crystal math your first time. You know they don't realize what they're doing because they're stuck in their stuff.
Speaker 3:And so people with eating disorders it's, eating disorders is an addiction, just like it is an addiction to alcohol and drugs, to gambling, to pain. You know, it's just a little bit different and and it's a lot more manipulative than than being addicted to crystal math. And so when they're teaching you, they think that they're they're doing you a favor, they're helping you succeed. And so I started to miss my meals and I noticed that the best thing was like I wasn't, didn't notice, I was hungry and I wasn't like, and all of a sudden I was back skating and all of a sudden I was landing things that I couldn't do and, and you know, my life ended up falling apart because I started to use, like pseudo fed to curb my appetite, all this stuff that now they test your and for, and it's because of people like me.
Speaker 3:So that is where my addiction started, was when I was about 14 and a half and, and you know, progressed and started with alcohol when I was in my late teens, and then it progressed to crystal math when I was about 19, until I went into treatment at, I think, a few months before my 22nd birthday. I'd went to treatment and you know, and so thankfully, I only needed to go once. You know that's not the story for a lot of people and and you know that's okay. You know everybody has a journey into recovery. But you know, we, you know I was at a memorial service yesterday for somebody who thought they had that one more chance, and so you know, we always need to remember that that. You know, we don't always get to come back for burlaps. Some of us are just fortunate that we've been able to do that right. So, yeah, so that is how my recovery journey started and, and you know, I don't have a bad relationship with food anymore. Well, I probably do eat a little too much now, but you know, I think that it's a healthy thing to enjoy food.
Speaker 3:And the reason I stopped getting into sports and and physical activity, probably when I first got sober I returned to skating when I was about 24 and I thought I'd make it up to go for an Olympic team. And you know that dream didn't work out. And so afterwards, you know, I got into career and university and stuff like that, and so I didn't have time to look after my physical health. And you know, a couple of years ago I was sitting at 225 pounds and you know I just was not.
Speaker 3:You know the pandemic did a lot to a lot of people. A lot of people said it's the Colvin 20, but for me it was the Colvin 65., and you know, and my health started to deteriorate. I started noticing that I was tired all the time and I went and got some tests done. My cholesterol was through the roof, my blood pressure was through the roof, all that stuff, and so I needed to take some ownership and accountability for that, and so that is how I ended up getting into physical fitness. And so, you know, I noticed, when I was planning my wedding and starting a new job, which happened in August, I left my career after many years.
Speaker 3:I didn't go to the gym for about six months, and I noticed a lot of this happening in my life, and so thankfully over the last two months I've been sort of able to get my act together. Nobody wants to show up to Florida looking having a dad bod Like it's bad enough that I turned 45 this year. I don't need to look like I'm 45.
Speaker 1:You kind of ages. Just a number. We had a guest on recently who's much older than that and is rocking it and still yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and you know, there's a guy at my gym. He just celebrated his 80th birthday and if you saw his daily workout routine, I mean that that fucking guys give you a living till part of my language. If I offend anyone today with my language, I apologize. I you know I will. I will keep the conversation to PG. I want to make sure that the viewers feel that they're hearing a story of recovery and not one of messiness.
Speaker 1:Well, they're also used to some messiness, so it's okay. You would be like the first complaint I've gotten since starting this. People have been generally very cool. Listeners are the best.
Speaker 3:Well, you know, I think you're. I think the demographic of your podcast is probably indicative of what a lot of our community looks like and the people that were surrounded with it and the friends that we have in common on Facebook. So I don't think that they're. I don't think that they're hitting up Christian Mingle anytime soon. Maybe they are. I don't know. If Grindr's bored, maybe that's a great alternative. But you know, fitness also can.
Speaker 3:I noticed when I first got into fitness it started to take away from that balance in my life, which is where, like, the only thing that I had time for outside of work was going to the gym.
Speaker 3:And so I noticed, when I was still busy trying to lose that weight, all of a sudden I wasn't connecting with my friends as much I wasn't. My friend group had changed to only people in the gym, and you know that's not necessarily good either. So for anybody who's starting out in fitness, I recommend that it not become your being and it is not an excuse for you to to not be working your program. So if you're here, if you're listening today and you're in recovery, going to the gym is not recovery right. That is not connecting with another alcoholic in a room of alcohol, or addict in their products, or meth addict in CMA. Whatever program you are in, you know that is there to supplement, that is there for you to reach goals and to get a little bit of a better sleep at night, to be encouraged to eat more nutritious, nutritious food. You know I've all of a sudden become this huge vegetable guru that I was never I. I never have been that person, and now I love vegetables and so yeah.
Speaker 1:Excellent. Thank you so much for sharing all of that. I definitely relate. I never like suffer from eating disorder but again, like when we talk about our addictions, it's the things that you can identify with rather than anything. And I really like identified, you know, internalizing a lot of comments about my body, because my mom was always the one to like comment if I was like a couple pounds overweight or like had a big meal or like sitting in a way that my stomach was out like hide your belly, Like it was very that growing up.
Speaker 3:So yeah, and I had a mother like that too, and you know it wasn't until recently that she's finally stopped making those comments. And you know like when I came home, she would say, how much do you weigh? And I would say, I don't know 170 pounds. And so, to give you some perspective, when I actually retired from skating in 26, I was 126 pounds. And so my mom was like, why are you so big? Now it's like, well, I don't do 400,000 kilometers of cardio and down ice anymore. Like like no, I've never seen a skater. You know like I was at it.
Speaker 3:I was at the international competition that happened in Vancouver recently and I ran into number of people that I've known for 30, 35 years, some even 40. And you know, out of all of us, there was only one who was still sort of in that shape, and it's because they're on the ice full time doing choreography for competitive athletes, working with Olympic you know, eligible skaters who are getting their programs ready for the Olympics, the world championships, their own national championships, and all I can think. He was like, how the hell, at this age, are you like? Saying like this and I said you know, are you doing ozepic? Are you what's going on and he goes, no, and he goes.
Speaker 3:My metabolism just never changed. And you know and I do believe it because you know I've never seen him outside of that body shape ever and we've known each other since we were 11 years old. So I mean, but you know the other people I'm sitting there and we're all sitting there our hair's fallen out. You know we're all wearing baggy clothes because we don't actually want people to see how much weight we've put on. And we're all still casually telling each other how good we look and how relaxed we look.
Speaker 3:And you know, all of us are like hiding our guts and you know, none of us are going to be able to look in a concession to stand at the arena to get food, because we don't want people to see what we're eating. And you know, and it's that culture and it's kind of a bit toxic and you know they may not be aware of how toxic that sort of like behaviors are and how you know people looking on the outside and it can make them feel judged. Because we're, you know, I don't think that I look terrible, but I don't think that I, you know, like you can definitely tell like I go to the gym, but I enjoy a cookie or 12. Right now it's those goddamn, those Cadbury mini eggs that they put out at Easter.
Speaker 1:See, I've never been a chocolate person, but I know if you are a chocolate person the struggle's real.
Speaker 3:They put them out and they put them on sales in the grocery stores, in the drug stores, and they're right in the front by the till where you're just about to check out and you've skipped the candy aisle that they have them right fucking there and they know that people will buy them and they're delicious. And you know I'm not telling people to not eat them but, like you know, I have to really watch because you know it's not just about, like you know, I'm overindulging in chocolate, but like there's a lot of stuff in those eggs, especially like the crusty outside, that just aren't good for your body, like their chemicals, so like the diet.
Speaker 1:I love sour gummy candies, so those aren't the best for me either. I was like I might be a skinnier, but now but my belly's still full of hamburger gummy candies.
Speaker 3:Right, and you know they use the glue from horse hooves to like make them right.
Speaker 1:Delicious, delicious.
Speaker 3:And you know people don't realize that, and we don't even know what. We're adjusting and we're like well, we've lived a lot, we've lived to like this age, and we haven't died, so we continue to do it anyways. The only thing that I stopped, though, is I stopped drinking chocolate milk, because I couldn't figure out why the chocolate milk was so rich, and how it happens is is you know how, like when they pasteurize the milk, all the blood from life the inside of the house comes up. That's what chocolate milk is made out of, and so I can't do it anymore.
Speaker 1:I never again, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're not a chocolate person, but now I have like 89 of your viewers probably going. That guy just fucking ruined my Saturday afternoon snack.
Speaker 1:Oh no Right.
Speaker 3:Like so yeah, yeah, but you know it's not what I want to say. It's not the fact that we shouldn't eat these things or engage in them, but it's important to know that some people can develop a food addiction issue through a coffee mechanism. And you know, it's like when we get into recovery if you didn't smoke cigarettes, you definitely started when you were new, and if you didn't drink coffee, you definitely started then, and so some people can utilize that food situation as a means to deal with their feelings. And you know I'm one of those people. Like I really have to watch, like I'm an emotional eater, so like if I'm having a horrible day.
Speaker 3:You know, when I was living alone I don't live alone anymore because I'm married but you know I used to build an order a large pizza and hot wings and just polish the whole thing off in half an hour, and you know you don't feel good about it, but you, you know you do it, you do it right and that's why I ended up to be 232 pounds, right, it's just not. You know something that you need to be. Those kinds of things are great, but not regularly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had to learn that because I was the one who, when I got sober, everyone's like, well, the ice cream you're eating is better than a drink, and that is true. But then, like I again had the 60, 65 pounds of weight gain and that's also not great. So I didn't know for a while. I was like this isn't sustainable, so I just put it in until I was ready to deal with it and then I dealt with it and now I feel better. Right, yeah, I mean, I mean the candy and the sugars for me.
Speaker 3:Everybody puts on a bunch of weight when they first get sober. I mean, your metabolism just goes like this, you know up down, up, down, up down. It's like. It's like the physical bipolar disorder of your body when you're, when you're newly sober.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, I got diagnosed later in life with ADHD and there was, I sat down with a specialist and we went through the medications and the medications that I could take to help me get better, to help me maintain my focus throughout the day, and, and you know, all of them had this list of side effects.
Speaker 3:So it was just enormous. And, and you know, and to anybody who takes ADHD, adhd medication, please don't stop because of what I'm going to say. If that medication is saving you, making you successful, that's great. But you know, my working out helps me stay focused throughout the day, like if I can go to the gym when I'm tense and I'm I'm, you know, up here, you know I get a good workout in and it gets that perspective back in, right, you know, it allows me to go sit in that room a 12 step room without my eyes flitching every which way for the hour, right, I can sit there and I can focus on that person and listen to that story and get that information that I need to be able to be successful the next day. So there's a lot of good things about working out, but if you take it, like I said earlier, and it becomes your literally your higher power, that's does become an issue.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that that could be said about most things in recovery. If you find something or someone or people, places or things that say that they are the answer and they are the only one, you know that's when you start Things like that that are like that's the only thing that you do. It's never good to go all or nothing into stuff like that.
Speaker 3:Right, right. So what really woke me up to, when it was starting to really take over my life to a negative point, was my sponsor, david, who you know, like we live in different cities and so we do quite a bit on the phone with FaceTime and actually he winters in Port Lauderdale, so I'll be fortunate that I get to spend someone on one time with him next week. But you know he phones me and he goes how's? You know, how's all the this gym time? What is it doing for your recovery? Because you know, I've heard you're fighting with your boyfriend, I've heard that you're struggling at work. You just disciplined, blah, blah, blah, blah and I went nothing. It's not doing anything for my recovery because I'm not working my recovery, so you know. So those are the questions that you have to ask yourself, or that person who's in your life to help you Get you that center, that balance needs to ask you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and especially for someone who's worked their recovery so hard over a couple decades now. How would you say your recovery has evolved over the 23 years?
Speaker 3:So the one thing that I've learned to at you know, well, I'm 22 years and you know, and they all be 23, and and the one thing that I've learned is that, you know, I'm just as eligible to leave that room than the person who is there who's been there for 30 days, right, if I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And it becomes more and more apparent to me ever since Bettenall has leaked into the other drugs, and we've watched people. You know, I've seen people that I've known for years in the rooms of recovery. They went out and had that one relapse and they've died, right, and you know they didn't just have 30 days or six months. We're talking about people that had seven years, ten years, 13 years, 15 years.
Speaker 3:At one point, a guy that I actually got sober with, you know he passed away last year right after 20 years. He decided that, you know, he wanted to take a step away from recovery and and you never got that opportunity to come back and and so if there's one thing that I've learned, it's to have some humility. You know, like I don't know more than the person next to me in the room. The only thing that I do know is because I stayed for a few days that I know that I, that my ability to handle situations and to be more successful in my life is probably a higher Probability if I sit there in that room, right. But you know, when I walk into a recovery now, like it's not the guy who's sitting in the back row with me that's got 15, 16 years, it's giving me the best, which I need to hear. It's the person who's, you know, got 10, 7, you know 11 days, 15 days, 30 days, talking about you know what's going on out there. Because you know I forget what's going on out there because I it's been a long time, so I've been out there, so I need to hear that, because I need to be reminded that I need to stay Right. So, and I need to stay for that person who's 30 days. So they realize, hey, you know what I can do. That too, right. So it's not that I have 22 years of recovery, it's. You know, there's a lot of people who have 22 years of recovery that are the driest drugs in the fucking city and you know. And it's because they Forgot why they're there or what they need to be doing. And so I always remind myself. What I need to be doing and what I need to do to be accountable to myself and to the people that I love. Right, and so that's how the perspective of a wearing every has has evolved over the years is is that my recovery isn't just for me anymore At this point, it's for everybody that's involved in my life. You know why do I have nieces and nephews who, they, have parents. My brothers and sisters are great parents, but I have a different relationship with them because I'm the afterthought family, my child, or the afterthought child of my family, and so I'm a lot closer to my eight their ages, so our relationships are really different.
Speaker 3:Now my niece has two kids. She's 26, she just had a baby two months ago and he's the cutest thing in the world and so you know she wants to know the tronicles gonna be there when. When she calls you know last week it was you know I'm home sick and and you know the oldest one has a story clue and and the two-month-old has a cold and I don't know what to do. And you know I said you need to call your mom because she's so that's closer, like I live on the other side of the country for me. I can help you. But you know, I think she just wanted that voice on the phone to say that you know this isn't forever, it's just a temporary thing. And you know you're only feeling like that because you're sick today, and I would feel like that if I was sick with two kids at home too. Yeah, so your feelings are valid, that you know. It's overwhelming.
Speaker 3:Yes yeah, yeah, so you know. So my recovery helps me a parent. It helps me, you know, be good uncle, it helps me be a good son, it helps me be a good husband and it helps me be good coworker. You know I'm in management at work, and so I have employees that rely on me for support and leadership, not to be dictated to. And, and you know, recovery helps me deal with those difficult at work situations where I want to snap somebody's head because they've just Done whatever. But you know I can sit there and go. I made that mistake too. I've made that mistake too. I've done that too, yeah, so now I'm gonna, I'm gonna support you to not to learn where you eat that mistake, so we can move on. And it does have to have again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean I can definitely relate to all that. I know that I love having people on with all the different amounts of time, because there is no difference in what you can say or what value your message holds on whether you just hit 90 days or have Decades at the same thing like it, whatever your recovery looks like, it doesn't have to be necessarily one thing or another For you to be welcome on and like have what you have to say be heard, and so thank you for coming on and sharing what you had to say with oh, no problem, no problem, I'm happy to be here today.
Speaker 1:Excellent and I'm sure you'll be back again. But in the meantime, how could people find you if they wanted to connect?
Speaker 3:So if people want to find me, they can find me on my Instagram at Chad underscore C 78, and Chad called me on Facebook Excellent.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you so much, Chad. It was great getting to know you better.
Speaker 3:Yeah, take care, thank you.
Speaker 1:Bye.
Speaker 3:Bye.
Speaker 1:Welcome back everyone. Thank you again, chad. It was a pleasure, and let's move on to Jane 9. Hey there, listeners and viewers, it's Steve here now with Jane 9. Welcome back to the podcast, jane 9.
Speaker 2:And I thanks so much for having me back. I love it. Thanks.
Speaker 1:And we're on video now so we can actually see you, hello, and what has been new in your world since the beginning, since our last episode?
Speaker 2:New in my world since our last episode. You know what? It's been a year full of changes really, which I can't even believe more changes could happen. But you know, last year I was in flight school. Unfortunately, there's been a delay with my category one commercial medical being approved, so I've had the year on, which is how I finally got around to releasing new music again. So we got the new track out, just been out, yeah, I guess you know what. That's probably the only thing that's really changed. I'm no longer a student.
Speaker 1:Tell us more about the new song Pleasure and Pain, or your new song.
Speaker 2:That's right Pleasure and Pain. So yeah, it's like a cover, but it's kind of a remake. I got to work with Peril Iranyas of Phantom High, which is a pretty well known like I think they call themselves like a horror theater kind of music, so yeah, but they're so creative. I sent them the track and within like the night, peril sat down and come up with a whole new verse to add in it just to make it better. So yeah, it's not a straight up cover, there's more to it.
Speaker 2:The original was a song by well, it featured vocals from French DJ Miss Kitten, which you know she's been around for quite some time, and then it was actually a song by the music by DJ Adjotronik, which I had never heard of before. But it's a really kind of kind of like a like a goth, like BDSM sounding kind of like Tech House kind of track. So I don't know, it's got a good vibe and I just wanted to kind of inject some almost like like nineties thriller, sci-fi kind of vibe. So it's a bit more, a bit more fast paced. It's got a bit more depth and complexity to the flavors that are going on. But it was a lot of fun. Peril is awesome to work with and it's out. It just came out, I think, february 23rd, so just two weeks ago, I guess one week ago. Two weeks ago, yeah.
Speaker 1:With podcasting magic. This will come out at a later date and I will link over to it in the show notes so that people can just scroll and click on over to it. For you, magic Love it. Yes, gotta love podcasting magic. And with topics that we could talk about today. You actually are the second person talking to today who mentioned how ADHD is a part of your, your story and your part of your sobriety. Tell me about your experience getting a diagnosis and what it was that like, and when did that happen?
Speaker 2:Yeah, sure, but you know what that actually just reminded me? Another thing that happened recently in my life was I did hit my four year sobriety mark.
Speaker 1:Congratulations so thanks.
Speaker 2:It's kind of a big one, I don't know why. I think I think going past three and hitting the four just kind of makes you feel like, okay, I'm in it for the long haul. But yeah, so ADHD alcohol really kind of played a role in why I decided to seek a diagnosis. I had just started to realize over but over the years that certain emotional things would happen that seemed like I had no real ability to kind of cope with them. Over and over again when I was drinking, like different than than any other time in my life, like and different than other people too. Like it just seemed like it was something that was plaguing me. And you know what I? I started doing a little research. I found this great website called ADD attitudes so like attitudes and I came across this article that kind of led me into this idea that, yeah, I guess ADHD brains are literally different. The executive functioning of the frontal cortex, the filter, doesn't quite work the same way and apparently that also affects emotions and emotional regulation, and alcohol obviously kind of affects an ADHD brain a little differently than someone without it. So with that new info kind of coming across my my desk, I decided to go to the doctor and she sent me to, I guess, a specialist type person to do assessments. And you know he really made me do a lot of like I don't think it was to like the third appointment or he's like okay, I feel comfortable saying that you have ADD and say ADHD, add, but yeah, it was, it was.
Speaker 2:It was like a long time coming, not to mention I mean just looking back at that point through my childhood and like one of the things he asked me to do was bring in all of my childhood report cards, which I'm like you know what. I have those because my mom kept me a memory box full of everything from when I was a kid and you know what they all said the same thing like very creative with our music has difficulty, kind of staying focused, paying attention, kind of fares better maybe out in the hall doing a test than in the class. And then I was just thinking about how it was always this big joke like oh, jane Ein's attention needs attention, or something like that. Like I got to the point where I'm like you know what I feel, like I'm really kind of having a hard go as an adult with a lot of things, and you know, maybe it's not a joke, maybe there's actually something that could be there to tap, like to be aware of, could give me more info, more tools, and like actually like oh hey, your brain works different. Here's something that can help. And so I just like okay, good luck, we're going to make fun of you.
Speaker 2:So you know what it was. It was nice to finally have some validation and have like something I could share with people about, like hey, like that's actually not funny, like it actually makes things in my life really difficult, and maybe you can support me. That'd be great, yeah, so long, long story short. I saw a specialist.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, and I love that because I can relate. I was diagnosed with ADHD. I think it was somewhere between my senior year of high school or into college. No, I'm pretty sure I was definitely in college and in college at that point they were like well, they never caught it because I always got straight A's and like I always was like my report card always was like he was well behaved, but it was like because I was afraid and I was like always trying to be like perfect, but it was like dying inside and it was just interesting getting that diagnosis and just how you can like look back and be like, yeah, like there were signs. And I think even people who don't have ADHD diagnosis can understand like what being alcoholics and addicts, what it's like when you finally do are like, yes, I am an alcoholic, yes, I am an addict, like how it almost like gives power back to yourself, like claiming that as the diagnosis or the part of the problem that you know makes it harder or more difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally like a full acceptance, having the lingo to tell other people and explain and and know that you're not just like oh, a certain way, or just making up excuses, but also being able to look back and be like oh, I saw that, that was there. Yeah, kind of gives a full, fuller perspective to like a lot of things that have been questionable in your life too. Yeah, so that's cool. Straight A is good job out of fear.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I grew up in the household where, like, if I brought home a test and I had a 93 on it and I showed my parents, they'd be like well, what did you do wrong to get the to lose the seven points? And like go back and see what you can do to like make it better. So it was definitely like when I hear like other friends who like would get like bees and season, their parents were like OK with that, it just blows my mind, because that was not the environment that I grew up.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow.
Speaker 1:But I think like having the diagnosis today like helps me just on a day to day basis, like know that that's part of something that I need to be understanding of and be kind to myself about, but also, you know, be more careful about making sure my day is structured in some way, shape or form, because other ways I could just float from thing to thing to thing. But how do you manage it on a daily basis?
Speaker 2:Wow. Sometimes I float around from thing to thing to thing, probably more often than not. However, my life is pretty structured, and when I do start to feel kind of overwhelmed with tasks, that's when the lists come out and then I organize the lists. That's probably still a form of procrastination. It's like, look, I'm still working towards it, I'm just not doing it yet, but then I can at least stay on task, be like oh, it feels good to cross that off and that does help. Kind of be like okay, now you can have a break and enjoy some rest. And like okay, when you're ready, you feel like it.
Speaker 2:A big thing is really like I didn't realize A how many people aren't diagnosed as children and have been now diagnosed as adults is huge, and also the overwhelm that can happen sometimes. Like I don't know about you, but maybe when you, like I was really I always said that I worked best under pressure, which really meant that I had left it to the last minute, and now I was hyper focused on it and I didn't want to fail. Like there wasn't a huge pressure on me, like I wasn't afraid of repercussions. But I don't know, I was first born I. Once you start getting you know good grades, you kind of want to stay there. You expect that of yourself too, right? So, but yeah, the hyper focus and realizing that there is a sense of overwhelm, that can happen when, like, your day just looks like a mountain, and unless, yeah, so one of the major, one of the major things that I even did before the diagnosis I just happened to figure it out is breaking things down into small, small parts, and then it's more achievable and less paralyzing.
Speaker 1:Yes, I can understand that. I've also loved that I've learned how to do like not just scheduling but time blocking live with my coach. But I also realized that oftentimes in my head the things that seem like they're going to be like heavy, like emotionally, I'll be like, well, that task is definitely going to take three hours. There's no way I can finish that in anything less than three hours. And then, like when I actually sit my ass down and work on that thing and like I look at my watch and like, oh, it's 45 minutes and I finished it. It actually wasn't going to take as long. It wasn't actually as heavy and as scary and as detailed and complex as I thought it was. I just was making it bigger than it was.
Speaker 2:But that's part of the overwhelm. It's, like you know, on the ADHD years. Their wall to surmount is like down here, and ours tend to be. Feel like they're up here and you're right. Once you finally do it, it actually builds self-esteem and gives you like positive reinforcement, that like if you do it again, like it won't be as tough. So it can be really helpful just to finish tasks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I definitely. And don't beat yourself up over your to do list because for me, like that's a life saver between my Google Tasks, my Notes app, my like reminders that my personal assistant I won't say their name just in case you're driving on my phone or the personal assistant that lives in our home and listens to every conversation we have, like when I say their names and tell them to remind me. I have reminders coming from all over my life, but it keeps me in track better than when I'm just hoping that it all works out.
Speaker 2:You said about like like five to 10 alarms to make sure like you do things at a certain time or like wake up in the morning. I know that seems to be a big one.
Speaker 1:I'm really good with waking up in the morning. Luckily that's a gift of sobriety, where I'm not just waking up and not wanting to get out because I don't want to check my phone and see what kind of nonsense I was up to last night. No righty, I wake up out of the bed like excited and ready for the day, which is very nice. But I definitely like do have to get the multiple notifications, or like my role that I learned when I was a case manager was to like not put things marked as complete or like move them out of your inbox until they actually were handled, so like I'll leave those reminders or notifications on my phone. So there are days where by one o'clock my phone will be a full screen of things that I haven't done yet, but I won't go to sleep until they're all done just because that's how I am. Or like sometimes if it's an emergency, I'll reschedule it, but I try not to procrastinate with business stuff at least.
Speaker 2:That's good. You probably figured out like the negative consequences are not good. Plus, sounds like you're also, you know, more of a putting pressure on yourself to get straight A's. So when it comes to professional stuff, you're like no.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to be more chill. No, it's not.
Speaker 2:It's a daily struggle, but I have remind me about all of the all of the like browsers like each one is something else that I have to do, and I won't close them until I do it.
Speaker 1:Whatever you have works works. As long as you're not saying this method works and it is clearly not working. That's when you need to reexamine how you're keeping track of things. But as long as you keep track of them, don't hit your systems, because they're your systems. Whatever works works Exactly. Yeah, and moving on from ADHD, another topic that has been on your mind recently has been the single by choice, or maybe it's because half of the topics I suggested to you were about either dating or being in relationships, but you're like I'm actually single by choice. I was like Well, let's talk about that.
Speaker 2:That is true, I don't have any good dating tips with sobriety yet, and the reason being that, well, you know what? I kind of decided to focus on other interpersonal relationship building More. So I mean, to be honest, like I haven't been convinced yet that I'm better off or life is better or I'll have more fun If I am like putting myself out there. Plus, I just don't even have the time. I'm always busy with other stuff that fulfills me in other ways, you know. But yeah, I mean it definitely like along with like making the decision to become and remain sober. I think, unfortunately, a lot of people in dating relationships kind of just think that they should be in one, because that's kind of what society says and there's always this pressure on you from a young age to be like you know, okay, you're getting married and have kids. And then you know also the sphere of like being alone or like you're there's something wrong with you or you're incomplete if you don't have a partner. And don't get me wrong, I think there are plenty of great things about having someone always there to help support you and all the other good things that come with it. But, to be honest, it was probably part of my addiction to, I hadn't always been in very healthy relationships. So first I wanted to take a good amount of time, no matter how long it took, to feel like you know what, that's not going to be a problem In any of my relationships. Like I said, let's focus more on like let's treat my friends, my family, good, and you know, sometimes your friends shift a little when you stop drinking too. So like okay, let's try to see if maybe I need I can bring some some other like sober people or like less you know, addicted, more productive. They say like you know, you know you're not with people who are doing what you want to do and you know are productive. And you know you, who you keep company with reflects you. And I love all of my friends all through my life but like a lot of them before I became sober were more or less we would necessarily like drinking and making music. We weren't like drinking and building a project together or doing something else so it's fun. It'd be like hey, I'm bored, it's a weeknight, are you around? Do you want to grab some drinks?
Speaker 2:Like the city also really contributed to that and I'm still out in the middle of nowhere living and it's just, it's me time I'm being like unapologetically selfish with my time, my wants, my desires, my needs. And again, I'm just happy, I'm comfortable here for now and I don't see a really good reason yet to be like you know what. I should really find someone and for fun, it's just like a lot of other things are bringing me fulfillment. Enough that I don't have time and I know when I do meet someone that I like as much as I'd like to say like, oh, I'm not gonna get attached or I could be casual like I can't, like I like you, I don't like too many people, no matter if I try to be cool and like keep it slow.
Speaker 2:Like the inside, you know, you have thoughts that are kind of hard to. You can't control your thoughts half the time, right? So I'm just, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good where I am and it's a little different than what a lot of people do. But you know what, like you said, if it works for you, if it works, it works. And like I said, yeah, I'm feeling like probably I'm happiest with the fewest like stressors, relationship wise, in my life. I have good family, I've good friends, I'm close with them all. I spend quality time not drinking or doing drugs. And you know I might have fewer close friends right now, but the ones I have, like we just, you know, even in text we make each other's day, you know, like it's just very light and supportive and, yeah, I love it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's certainly quality over quantity when it comes to the people in our lives. And what you said that when what I loved hearing the most was that you're fulfilled right now, cause at the end of the day, like that's what matters. And you know, if I always try and like tell my clients like who like have like dating or relationship issues, like if you're going to be with someone, like that you're going to be with that person. If you're not, like you're not, but like if that's the right person, like you can't force it and you can't make things happen. It's kind of like with turning your will and power over and just trusting the process. And I love that you're just living your life right now in a very fulfilled and happy way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I also came to the realization that a lot of people knew this apparently I didn't but like, who you decide to spend your life with is like one of the most important decisions of your life, like it literally influences your life and how you are and how you live every day. And a lot of people just really nilly go like into something and then all of a sudden it's, you know, affecting who they are and how they are and what they do, and they're just think, like you know, I'm just supposed to be with someone and this is how I ended up with this person and now we're figuring out together and sometimes it works for some people. But yeah, it's not a willy nilly decision. It's like you really want to pick the right person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's definitely so far, like both with my drinking as well as my marriage. I've gotten into right the first time and I'm doing them both a day at a time. Some days. That's what you got to do? Yes, exactly, and they both take effort and work and energy, but they also both are so worth it.
Speaker 2:Yes, rewards.
Speaker 1:Have to be at that. Caveat just in case.
Speaker 2:Work. One of my friends said like a relationship should take work, but it shouldn't be work. Yeah, yeah, I can always add I agree.
Speaker 1:And it's like, if it's a flower you want to be watering right now, great, but if you don't want to be taken care of a plant right now, don't feel like you have to get a plant that you have to be watering.
Speaker 2:Yeah, not all plants are meant for everybody. I think, exactly, it's your own journey, your own journey to figure out. You know, and a lot of people you know, I was even just watching another video last night and there was two guys talking about how. No, I totally forget what I was gonna say. I'm sure it'll come back at some point, but oh, I remember now.
Speaker 2:Okay, I was watching a video two guys that were talking about how, as we are raised in our society, we're not learning things about ourselves.
Speaker 2:We're not taught to learn as a young person, really, unless you happen to get it from your parents or someone else.
Speaker 2:But you know, we're not taught in school like, hey, you know what's a really important skill Just figure out who you are, what your values are and a lot of times you can't really decide on those until you have lived a little and gone through things.
Speaker 2:But yeah, that's probably one of the best skills you can have and, no matter how long it takes to get there and even if it's always changing, to try to have a really good, solid sense of identity, self-identity, who you are, what you like, what you don't like, what your boundaries are, what you're willing to put up with what you're not willing to put up with, what your values are, your morals, and only when you really know those, I think, can you probably make really healthy choices in life, which include to drink or not to drink, to do drugs and not do drugs, to wed or not to wed. Like those are all very important and, yeah, we just do them because we think we're supposed to and we don't know enough about ourselves sometimes before getting too in too deep to realize that maybe, no, maybe that's not for me.
Speaker 1:I completely agree on all of that. I know that half of those lessons I learned from my program and the other half I learned from my life coaching. So I was like between the two together is when I really kind of next leveled, I feel like my life that's awesome. Thank you so much, Jane. It was a pleasure catching up. I'm sure right as soon as everyone's done listening to this episode, they're gonna go over and listen to pleasure and pain wherever they listen to music.
Speaker 2:Yeah, pleasure pain. Bio-j9, featuring Peril Aaron. Yes, there's a lot of them out there, I've looked. Yes, yeah, bye.
Speaker 1:I'll be sure to link over that in the show notes and how can they find you online?
Speaker 2:Online. All my socials are at J9 Grooves.
Speaker 1:I love continuity.
Speaker 2:It works. Keep it all the same. Everyone can find you.
Speaker 1:I was gonna say I'm gay podcast on everywhere except YouTube. Someone did something dirty to me where they took that from me, so I'm gay-A-pod or like gay-A. Yeah, it's more difficult on YouTube, but other than that you can find me everywhere at gay-A-podcast. Yes, thank you, though, j9. It was a pleasure catching up with you.
Speaker 2:It was pleasure to be here again, as always. Thanks so much.
Speaker 1:All right and we're back. Thank you so much, listeners, for tuning in to another episode of Gay-A, the Super Sober Hero Show. I'd love to hear what you thought of the interviews today with Chad and J9, as well as what's new in your recovery and what's keeping you sober. I would love to get a chance to share people's stories on the episodes more, so feel free to write in submissions if you'd like them read out loud on the podcast rather than coming on as a guest. But your voice matters. Your voice is heard and this is a safe place for you to share your voice. So you can do that by getting in touch with me on all the socials, at gay-A-podcast or emailing me at steve at soberstevecom. And until next time, everybody, stay sober friends.