Hey, there is Super Sober Heroes. It's your host, sober Steve, the podcast guy, here for another great episode of Gay A, the Super Sober Hero Show. I am happy to report that today, thanks to One Day At A Time, I have 1,026 days of sobriety still. Thank you for bearing with me, as I have the same look for those of you watching, as well as the same day count for those of you keeping track for the past few episodes, as I record a little bit ahead of schedule to accommodate my traveling plans. And I have so much I'm grateful for, though, right now that I can keep going with my gratitude, and I am grateful for being able to be living life on life's terms right now. I am also very grateful to be able to share another amazing interview with you.
Speaker 1:Today. You're going to get to hear from Brian, who has one of the more unique stories. I know. We all have unique and special stories, but what I love about it is as different as many of his circumstances might have been on paper the feelings that he was going through. I think that it's something that all of us will be able to really deeply and truly relate with, which is one of the reasons why I love getting to interview amazing and wonderful people like Brian for this podcast.
Speaker 1:So before we get into that, I will share a little bit more on what I mean about living life on life's terms, because many of you over the past couple months have been with me on my inner conflict over my self care routine, starting with an episode on self care for 175 and continuing on on and off, and I think that I finally got into a point where I feel comfortable with my self care routine and there was a couple of different circumstances that led me to realize that most recently was having to be the topic of living life on life's terms and in a meeting that I went to, and just really that right now I am able to do that, and I know that a lot of that has been because I have a self care routine that is very generous and, as Kristen taught me when they were on, that the more that we put into ourselves, the easier it is to care for others. So I'm showing up for everyone in my life in a more authentic way and a more regular way Now that I am spending a couple hours a day on self care, and I know that I have some friends out there, both in and out of the program, who hear that I spend probably two to three hours a day on self care tasks that are all about me and they're like, wow, that's a lot. But at the same time that makes it so that the other 10 to 12 hours, or however long I'm awake each day, it makes me like a better, warmer, more authentic person, where I'm showing up with good intentions and everything that I do and feeling like I'm in a good mindset and I let things slip off my back more than I normally would, as I've learned, both in addiction as well as in recovery, that it's very easy for me to get into like a mindset not only of rules of how things should and shouldn't be for myself but also for other people. I can, in the past, get very judgey, and I've been judgey even in sobriety, and I only kind of thought of it last night as I was reflecting about how, in my experience, it's very much my like a relationship to trusting the process or my higher power, or faith, or whatever you want to call it, just me having the true understanding that everything's going to be okay, like as long as I'm doing my best every single day, which I'm doing genuinely, in the way that I show up for work, in the way that I show up for my sober fellows, in the way that I show up for my podcasting, in the way that I show up for my friends and my family. I'm showing up for everyone 110% right now, because I'm spending so much time taking care of myself. And I think that I got to a point when I found this routine that made me feel really good and gave me this, this great grace.
Speaker 1:I, when things started to affect my ability of if I could continue it to the same level or the same certain extent, I almost got fearful that it would be taken away from me altogether. But I realized kind of like what I realized with my, my fitness journey is that life is going to happen. Trusting life on life's terms isn't only just a matter of just having the faith, but also understanding that things can change and to be willing to go with the flow and to listen to those signs or, you know, listen to reason or again, however you want to frame it, but knowing that when I might have certain plans or hopes for how my day is going to go if a wrench gets thrown in the plans, know that that's okay and that I'm okay and that if, due to an important meeting or a doctor's appointment or X, y or Z reason, I might not be able to do my self care full routine to its fullest extent one day a week, that doesn't mean that I'm losing anything. It means that I'm gaining an opportunity to do something else for a change, knowing that my self care routine will be there for me the following day and that I can keep it going and that I'm not losing it or anything forever by trying new things.
Speaker 1:It's kind of like with meetings. I was so afraid of trying new meetings and risk that it would almost be replacing other meetings that I would go to or hanging out with new friends and afraid of what that might say about old friendships. And I realized that as long like as I'm putting in more of myself, that there's more of me then to give out to the others outside and just that confidence. I think a lot of that not only comes from my connection with my higher power right now, but also the how connected I am to my other friends. My confidence is something that kind of comes with this that people have been noticing how confident I'm feeling more often than than not.
Speaker 1:Of course, that's a. That's a swinging pendulum that can change from time to time or day to day as the wind blows, but on the whole, I'm feeling much more confident about myself than I have in a while and for the first time really in my life, I think I'm feeling it in a in the way that, like we all should, which is like that I am amazing and special, because we're all amazing and special. And it's not that I'm better than anyone else at anything else that I'm doing, but it's that if I'm able to be able to see how amazing and wonderful all these people in my life are, how my guests are amazing, how my listeners are the best, coolest listeners ever, you know, when all of these things around me I'm able to notice as amazing, why can't I notice that in myself? And so I've been noticing it in myself more, not in a way where I'm comparing myself to others, but just in that I'm bracing who I am and that also feels really good and between that and myself, care routine. Like.
Speaker 1:I know that, as much as it might be, there's a parts of me that are nervous about going next week to LA for the first time. I'm sure that as soon as I get back I'll report back like how, how great and amazing it was, because I'm not listening to, like I'm not preventing myself from new experiences because LA is a place I've never been before, I've never been to the West coast or that I don't know anyone really out there. It's been, you know, exciting, just going for it, and I still don't even know, other than the conference, exactly what's in store for me next week other than that and getting to to meet Joey from rainbow hell in real life, which will also be exciting, and a gift of this podcast in my sobriety, is being able to go out and experience that, and by the time that you're listening to this, I'll have had experienced it and it's just so cool that that's again. Another gift of this podcast is being able to go out to a new space and then realize that I did connect with someone who is out in that new space before and they'll make it a little bit nicer of a transition for me to to meet up with him on Monday when I land.
Speaker 1:So with that I have rambled long enough, because Brian has an amazing, wonderful share in store for you about what their experience was like getting sober and living life sober for for quite some time and embracing and unleashing their authentic self as a true sober hero. So I will pass it over to my interview with Brian now Enjoy. Hello there, super Sober Heroes, it's your host, steve, here with Brian. Thanks for coming on, brian.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me, Steve.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I had the pleasure of getting to meet you through the here Queer Sober Facebook group. Thank you so much for agreeing to come on and tell a little bit about your story.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm happy to be here, happy to do service always.
Speaker 1:Yes, so tell me a little bit about who you are and where you're at with your sobriety today.
Speaker 2:Well, my name is Brian Belovich. I am a person in recovery, my sober day is 11886. And I have had the great privilege of being sober since 1986, 37 years last November, so a little quiet.
Speaker 1:It's quite the inspiration. I have about two months of living on this earth, on your sobriety, or three or four months, but we're in August of that year, so my sobriety or your sobriety in my life are about the same.
Speaker 2:Oh wow, that's interesting.
Speaker 1:It's very cool when I can see that, though, because it makes me inspired, because I remember for a while there I didn't think that I was going to live past 30 or 40. So the fact that I can now see people who, when they get sober and when they stay sober, that they can last that much longer, it's really inspiring. So I'm excited to get to know you better.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. 30 was really rough for me too. Yeah, I didn't think I was going to make it either.
Speaker 1:And what would you say is your favorite part of being a member of the queer community today?
Speaker 2:Well, I love that I have so much experience and so much history and I've lived through a lot of sobriety. You know difficult things in sobriety and amazing things in sobriety. You know it's not all gloom and doom. You know I'm pretty much a happy, joyous, free kind of person. But I think the best thing about being an elder now in the queer community is that I do have some sort of responsibility to carry the message the way I received it back in the day. So I think that's really important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is important and exciting, so why don't we jump right into it then? Because I understand especially after seeing that you're an author who wrote a book about some of your experiences that you've lived quite the interesting journey. Why don't we jump in and tell us what your path to sobriety was like in your life up to that point?
Speaker 2:Yeah, sure, and it's. It's out the cliff notes version. I don't know if we have time for the whole grueling adventure of Brian Belovich, but the cliff notes version is that I, before I got sober, I was living as a transgender woman and for about almost 15 years in the 70s and 80s, you know, at a time that was particularly challenging you know it's always challenging for LGBTQ plus people but at that time in history there was very little known and there was very little resources and very, very little support and understanding about people, of trans experience from within the gay community and from within the, you know, heterosexual community. You know there was a lot of things that people didn't really understand about what it was like to be living a life like that. So when I got sober at the age of 30 in 1986, I had pretty much done everything I possibly could as a good alcoholic addict can, because you know, we're formidable when we focus on something that it is we want to try to do. And it led me to a really dark path in my life. It it, you know. I often say when I share it, you know general meetings, that you know it almost killed me really, and I have. I'm a low bottom, you know. You know practically homeless, crack addict, alcoholic, heroin addict. You know pills, pot, tobacco, sex money, you know all that good stuff.
Speaker 2:But you know, when I came into the program I was living as a trans woman and I had pretty much been successful in my transition and nine times out of 10 people didn't know that I was trans. I had passing privilege is what the kids call it today and I was married. I married a serviceman in the 80s and lived with him off a base in Germany and you know there have been whispers in the community that my story has been lifted by head big and the angry inch aspects of my story. You know, I don't know if you're familiar with that play and that movie, but anyway. So I came into the program and after I stayed sober for a year you know they say no major changes in the first year, which is kind of a good suggestion and I'm glad I took it because you know I was coming in with the idea that well, maybe if I had gender confirmation surgery, that would solve all my problems and I would find love in my life and I would be complete. And you know, as time went on and I went into therapy. I'm a huge advocate for outside help and as I went into therapy and started to take a really deep dive into sort of the fourth step area of our program, which is, you know, we do a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves, and I started to like look at what was my part in this life that I had created for myself, and it was quite shocking, you know, when you are that honest with yourself.
Speaker 2:And so what I came to believe was that I did a lot of the things in my transition for the wrong reason. You know I had zero self esteem as a little kid. I grew up as a queer, you know, misgendered, you know outlier, you know kid in this huge family of like these macho brothers and working class. You know parents and my child was really childhood was really traumatic From that standpoint. You know a lot of abuse physical, sexual, mental, emotional abuse, you know, not only from my family of origin but from out from the world, and so there was never a safe place for me growing up and so I retreated into this other.
Speaker 2:When I was old enough to act out on the messages that I was receiving as a little boy, I did, and so I started to lose Brian. Brian went away and was replaced by this beautiful creation, but I never made a sober decision in my life. Like everything was done under the influence of drugs and alcohol. So a lot of things went wrong because of that and I started to say early.
Speaker 2:I had such low self-esteem and such a low opinion of myself that if you thought it was a good idea, steve, to do whatever I did, I did it because I was in such terror and fear of being abandoned by the few friends that I did have, and so I did a lot of things for the wrong reason. So that was what happened to me when I did my fourth step in my first year of sobriety. So imagine, my second year was all about restoring my body to sanity. I had breast implants. I had been taking hormones for 15 years, I had a completely different name, completely different body identity, and it was another coming out. It was a third coming out in sobriety as a gay man, and I never wanted to be gay in the first place. So it was a big deal and a lot of recovering myself, reclaiming myself, and it's been quite a fascinating journey up until this point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you so much for sharing all that I can. Definitely, it is interesting. You're unique in that I've never heard anyone share the specifics of your journey, but I believe that all of my listeners can understand what it felt like when we struggle with our self-esteem and our self-worth, being willing to grab onto what other people tell us we are and believe it is truth rather than looking within ourselves and asking ourselves who am I?
Speaker 1:We give the power to tell us who we are and how damaging that can be for us. What was that experience like then, after your second year of recovery, going forward, how did the change? Kind of going back to embracing Brian again.
Speaker 2:Well, I couldn't have done it without the sober community number one, because a lot of my decisions earlier were done without any kind of like afterthought or any kind of like sober thinking, like think it through One of our slogans think, think, think, follow it through to the end. That was never a way that I approached anything, so I couldn't have done it without the support of my sponsor, my sober community. And it was equally as difficult and challenging to reverse a lot of the things that I did cosmetically and I did not have bottom surgery, which thank God for that, because that would have been even more complicated than it was already complicated but not having. I had top surgery only, and so I always had a feeling that that was not a path that I could go down and it was something that always I was never really quite committed to that part of my earlier transition but finding I had Medicaid, I was on public assistance, I was working part-time jobs just getting newly sober, and it's amazing how I've said in other interviews and in public speaking that one of the best things I ever learned about being sober was to learn how to ask for help, and so I got so much help when I started to come to this decision, to retransition back to my assigned gender at birth, and it costs a lot of money. It was very expensive. I didn't have a dime and I was like I said, I was on public assistance and I went around to different doctors and I went through this ridiculous panel of plastic surgeons that were afraid to even do anything to me.
Speaker 2:They did not want to take out my. I had my implants removed and then they did not want to do the breast reduction surgery. They were so afraid of getting sued. And also it was at the height of the AIDS crisis and I tested HIV positive. I'm also a long-term survivor of HIV and I tested HIV positive in my second year, in my first year yeah, my first year, six months and so that was another barrier to have to deal with.
Speaker 2:To try to like it was really difficult. It was really really hard and someone was all set to co-sign alone for me and a good friend, a friend and we went to the bank and we were signing the documents and I was going to get my five grand that I needed to complete the operation and talk about divine intervention like a higher power moment. The bank, the bank administrator, said oh, can I see your license? And she gave him her license and she had a California license. And the bank clerk said oh, I'm sorry, but we can't do the loan because you live out of town, you live out of state. We can only do a loan for someone that resides in New York state. So imagine my horror.
Speaker 2:I got to that point when I was like, ok, so this is going to work out. And the first thing I did was run to a meeting and, at the LGBT community center on 13th Street in Manhattan, raise my hand oh, boo-hoo-hoo, this happened. I can't believe it. I'm crying, I'm like sobbing hysterically. And right after the meeting, a sober friend came up to me and said Brian, don't worry, I'll co-sign the loan for you. And she co-signed the loan. I paid her back every penny of that, $5,000.
Speaker 2:So you know there's always a way and you know it's not always the way that I want it to be. But you said earlier, you know, when we started talking about like, how you just do this podcast and you let it go and hopefully it'll all turn out the way that you want it to, and it has, and you know so. So that was difficult the physical stuff, the mental stuff, you know, running into people. You know even people. I got sober with like, getting used to the idea of like not calling me by my other name.
Speaker 2:You know which I had for decades. You know it was hard for a lot of people as well. There was a lot of people confided in me that there was a loss that they were experiencing as well and my own grief and my own experience of losing that somewhat dynamic personality that I had created. I was part of the New York nightclub scene and you know big personality, you know really out there living the high life and the clubs and you know so it was quite something to give over and to let go of and not really know what. You know I had no idea what was gonna replace it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean how powerful it is. I consider you a big sober hero, because you were able to know, though, that that was the path that you were intended to go down, or trust the process, and you said it wasn't easy, but you did it anyway, and after putting that hard work in putting, like you said, it was hard in so many ways what was it like when you got through the other side of that? When did it start feeling lighter and you started feeling more like yourself?
Speaker 2:Well, it didn't happen overnight. If anyone is new listening to this, you know you get what you put into your sobriety, and I was fortunate that I had good sponsors in the beginning. I did what they suggested. You know, I paid a very high price for a very low life and I did not want to repeat that mistake, and so I really hung on to my seat like it was the most expensive thing I ever sat in, and so I did. You know, I was very willing, I was honest, I was open and I was willing and I did whatever people suggested. I didn't always agree with it, but I took suggestions and I did the work and I did the steps. I did my amends, you know, I did my inventory. I made a list of persons that I'd harmed. You know, I admit when I still today, have to do all of those things, because if I'm not doing those things today, I'm in jeopardy of going right back to where I was. I mean, all of those things that got me here still exist, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean share more about that. What would you say are some things that help you in your early sobriety that you still do today?
Speaker 2:Well, I do, I do a ton of. I've never not had a service commitment. You know I'm not addicted to service like I don't feel like I have to have like 15 sponsors or you know, like run around to one meeting after another. But I've always had a service commitment On the group level. I've had it on the service level in my earliest sobriety but staying connected, always making myself visible. You know, I don't sit in the back, I sit in the front. You know, I meet people, I approach people. I don't sit back and wait for them to like come to me, like I don't, you know, that's not gonna get me very far. I mean, I see people that do that in meetings and I understand why they do it because they're afraid, they're fearful. You know they're fearful for many different reasons rejection, you know, whatever, whatever it is. But those are some key, important things that have always been very helpful for me as service. You know, like sponsorship, chairing meetings. You know, on Zoom, you know, even on Zoom, I do a service. On Zoom I have a service commitment on Sunday morning, my home group. So yeah, so service and staying visible and staying.
Speaker 2:You know you hear this meeting sometimes about people talk about staying in the middle of the pack. You know like when I was a kid I used to love those. You're not old enough to remember this TV show, but there was a TV show called the Wild Kingdom and it was all about these animals in Africa and all over the world and they often showed like herds of like gazelles or, like you know, deer or you know different kinds of like animals, and they would show how like one of them would like drift off from the middle of the pack and then they would get attacked by a lion or by wolves or coyotes or hyenas. And so you know, when they say in AA, say in the middle of the pack, they're not kidding.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, you know.
Speaker 1:I might be too young to remember the show, but I've heard that analogy in the room somewhere and I always do enjoy that, because I mean, I have seen the animal play in it so. I know that it doesn't go well when you know when you stray from their herd too far both in animal life as well as in sobriety.
Speaker 2:And you know, and there used to be a time where I thought like, oh, I don't want to go, I don't want to be here, but now I love, I just want to be here. You know, like there'll come a time in your sobriety where you'll just really look forward to being at the meetings and being around your friends and, you know, meeting new people, and you know, you know, so I really want to be here in sobriety, in the middle of sobriety, even still today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and your sobriety is so inspiring, but I also want to bring it back, as earlier we talked with your gender transitions. How the end result, though, is having to also kind of embrace yourself as a gay man. What has that experience been like in sobriety, and how have you learned to embrace your sexuality as well as your gender identity?
Speaker 2:Well, I was always out somehow, like even when I was a kid I was not, you know, I didn't have like I don't know the best way to describe it like people knew that I was different.
Speaker 1:I always say people were telling me, I was gay before I knew it.
Speaker 2:They were telling me, they were calling me the name sissy, fag, queer. Even my brothers used to like tease me, you know, and you know. So I always knew that. You know there was no hiding, like I wasn't butch, like masculine, hyper masculine, like my brothers or like some gay men are very masculine and presenting, and they don't have to, you know, you don't even like look at them and think, oh, they must be gay. But I was just obviously gay from the get go. So that was the thing, you know, because I never wanted to be gay in the first place.
Speaker 2:So coming out as gay in the middle of the fucking AIDS epidemic, not the best time. And also, you know, as a gay man who was somewhat feminine, I bought into the hypermasculinity idea. Like I had to go to the gym and I had to work out and I had to get a big chest and you know my features were always very soft. So you know there wasn't anything much I could do about that. I mean grew, you know, now I have a beard but I just don't like, I don't like to shave in the winter. So you know, but, and I'm very hairy, like I don't know, once I stopped the hormones it was like welcome to puberty. You know, like I got like really hairy and my legs got here, you know, so that wasn't so so bad, but navigating the new world of the gay world was really a trip. I think I'm going to write another book about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I can imagine it being quite the trip. As you said, what kind of advice would you have for people who are in their sobriety, trying to learn and embrace that, because I know that oftentimes we struggle with embracing our sexuality?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, that won't. I mean now it's like kind of cool to be a little non binary and gender non conforming and you know queer or you know fluid or you know so. So now it's not such a big deal, but back then when I was, you know there was this, this sort of movement towards hyper masculinity based on on the fear of people, you know, who had AIDS and who didn't have AIDS, who was HIV positive, who was negative. So people built up their bodies and worked out and got really muscular. You know, not everybody, but for them, you know, it was kind of a thing that was happening back then as sort of a signal that you were, that you weren't sick. So that was a part of it. That was really challenging.
Speaker 2:But today, you know, I think I think we have a lot more acceptance, you know, and certainly you know, if you're living your authentic life in sobriety, you know it's a lot easier to just accept the things you can't change, you know, or change the things you can. You know it's a lot easier to just like say this is me. And you know, some days I feel really masculine and some days I might feel more feminine, you know, but I was able to like, incorporate both aspects of my identity and and, and, and take the best of them and work with them in ways that you know, that I felt you know good about. You know, like I'm not, I'm not ashamed of either part of myself today and that comes from, you know, like I said earlier, doing the work and you know you know getting more comfortable. You know peeling that onion back. You know you know getting outside help is really crucial. You know I work today.
Speaker 2:You know I was, I was, I had a really low bottom. I, you know I was I. I don't think there's anything wrong with sex work. I did sex work to survive in the 70s and the 80s as a trans woman, as a, as a boy I turned tricks as a hustler. You know, in my teens and you know I I did all of those things. I quit school because I was bullied in school and I never really got the education that I felt I deserved. And in sobriety I've reclaimed all of that stuff. And I I worked. I'm on my third career. Now I have a.
Speaker 2:You know I worked in the photographer. I was a photo editor at People Magazine, a Fortune 500 company in sobriety. I worked there and then I left that industry and I became a drug counselor and worked with other addicts and alcoholics for about 15 years, and more recently I've graduated with my master's degree in mental health counseling and I work with other people who have a very strong sense of responsibility. And I worked in the. I worked in the photographer, I was a photo editor at People Magazine, a Fortune 500 company in sobriety. I worked there and then I left that industry and I became a drug counselor and worked with other addicts and alcoholics for about 15 years, and more recently I've graduated with my master's degree in mental health counseling and I work with other people with mental health struggles, with depression, anxiety, gender identity, with depression, anxiety, gender identity, sexuality, you know. So that's. It's been like a whole, like 360 sort of movement for me, like I went from like this, like damaged, you know, rejected, like you know, astrophot, ostracized.
Speaker 1:Ostracized.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Not ostrich feathered? Well, ostrich feathered too.
Speaker 1:Ostrich feather is always like that.
Speaker 2:Ostrich feathered. Okay, you know, look at me now kids. I mean, I mean I'm going to be 68 next month, in April, and I'm still living my life and working and helping other people and, you know, living the best that I can. And I, you know, I recently found out I'm in a new film that came out. I also had to have a career as an actor and a singer and a writer. I've published author. You know my book transfigure. Here it is. I'll show you a cover.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I saw that in the Google searches, so I'm sure to link over to that in the show.
Speaker 2:My journey from boy to girl to woman to man is how you know. It's all over the place. I'm going to write another book and I recently found out I'm in a new movie that's coming out. I'm in this sort of like. I just got like a little message from a friend that saw it and he's like you're in the movie and like so that's kind of fun.
Speaker 1:Exciting.
Speaker 2:Lots of gifts.
Speaker 1:Lots of gifts of sobriety.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you so much, Brian, for coming on. I will link over to where people can find your book in the show notes. But if people wanted to connect with you, how would they? What's the best way for them to find you?
Speaker 2:I'm at. I'm on Facebook, brian, neil, I use my middle name and my first name, annie Igo, and I'm on threads as a transfigured book and also at transfigured book on Instagram, and then my. I have a mental health page which is called I'm listening to on Instagram. So I'm, I'm, I'm easily found.
Speaker 1:Perfect. Well, thank you so much, Brian. And yeah, when you have your next book, you'll have to come on and tell us all about that as well.
Speaker 2:All right, thank you for doing this, steve. I really appreciate it and you're doing great working, and all the best of luck to you.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you. I'll be right back to you, okay.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, super sober heroes, for tuning into another episode. I hope you enjoyed getting to hear from Brian. I definitely recommend you follow him or friend him, and he is a great guy that I'm sure you'll hear from again, and I would love to hear what you thought of the episode as well as what other kind of content you'd like to see in future episodes. So you can always reach out to me at Steve at sober stevecom or on all the socials at gay podcast. Make sure you're following us wherever you're listening right now so you can get these new episodes when they come out every single Thursday or Wednesday nights live, which I always forget to announce at the end of the episodes, but hopefully you're catching on that. I also am on video now, and so you can watch or listen to me wherever you'd like, and until next time, stay sober friends.