Marriage ft. Savanna

Steve welcomes back Savanna to talk on the topic of Marriage in Sobriety.

Follow Savanna on Instagram @savannadanna and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast.
 
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Transcript

Steve: 0:56

Hi everyone. And welcome to gay. A podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett, Martin. I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for my husband's support of my sobriety. As of this recording, I am at 342 days sober and say, we're welcoming back Savannah to talk about the topic of marriage. Welcome back to the.

Savanna: 1:18

Hello. I loved your intro and congratulations. I'm so excited for you to get your

Steve: 1:23

one year. Thank you. I was very excited to see your one year, a couple months ago.

Savanna: 1:28

Yes. Oh my gosh. It was a crazy December, so like going into my one year I don't know. I was really excited about it. And then I, this loss all conference. They're like right before I hit it. Cause it was just so much going on, but I made it

Steve: 1:45

and here we are here we are in the speaking of like last December, we had our last episode back in November of 2021. What's changed in your life since then?

Savanna: 1:55

Well, because this, the last time I was here I got into nursing school graduated from college. I mean, I still have my nursing degrees to do, but I got a couple bonus degrees and I will have 500 days on Thursday, May 12th. I think it is. So, yeah, that's my next celebration is for 500 days. So I really looking forward to that.

Steve: 2:19

Excellent. Well, this will be coming out right around then. So happy 500. Yes. And we chose when we were discussing the topics. First of all, this is the first topic episode where I'm inviting a guest back. So you were the first returning guest on the podcast. And I couldn't imagine inviting anyone back. It was great talking about your sobriety. The first time I have my meetings with you almost every night, and I love hearing you, but we chose marriage as a topic since we're both married, but we still lead very different lives. Yours seems a lot busier than mine and we'll, I'm sure we'll get into that, but tell us a little bit about your current marriage.

Savanna: 2:59

Right now, I am at married to a beautiful woman and her and I have been married. It's kind of weird cause we have our paper wedding. And then like when we got married and then like our wedding. So we were married on August 15th, 2018, but our wedding, our wedding wasn't until March 9th, 2019. And so as you know, I'm extra. So we celebrate books every year. So, but we've been together since 2017. So it was just kinda like Belinda, you know she came with two kids. I had two kids. You know, I had the older kids are, are younger. My wife is six years younger than me. This is my second marriage. This was her first. I plan this to be my lasting marriage this time around things are just a lot different, you know, this time around for one I was able to come out. So I'm actually, you know, married to someone that I dreamt that I would be married to, you know, I, I never thought it could happen, but like now that it has. I just, sometimes I just call her up and I'm just like, we're married. She was like, I know I was like, I got a whole life was like, I know, but for her she's been out since she was 16, you know I'm sure. With because the person she was with before she was in a domestic partnership and they had a daughter and mother but as far as, you know, the marriage equality act passing in 2015, I don't think she ever thought she would be married after, you know, her and her other partners split. So it's just as much for her as exciting as it is for me. So

Steve: 4:52

that is exciting. I know that with Steven, my husband we started dating, I would say I should have had all these dates lined up like you did, but I know that it was about like seven years ago. And. On our one-year anniversary, he propose. And it just so happened that that was like right around the time, like between proposing and like you have that kind of like pre Huntington period where like we're proposed and we're engaged, but we don't have to worry about setting a date yet or anything like that. Marriage equality passed and we were able to plan like a legal wedding rather than having to worry about traveling. Let's hope the right to marry. Isn't taken away anytime soon. I know,

Savanna: 5:31

but you know what? Even with the marriage equality act being passed. So when AF when my wife and I were engaged when I would tell people we were engaged to be married, people would ask me, oh, is, oh, is that, is that legal here in Ohio? Like it's legal, everywhere. And the United States, you know, the Supreme courts that it's legal. So that means it's legal in every state. Like people were really did know. Yeah. You know, it just kind of blew my mind, but, but we did get engaged. Like it wasn't like we just got together and then we got married. When we, when she proposed to me, we went to she was like, oh, let's just go to the movie theater and go take some pictures in the photo booth. And I didn't think anything of it because, you know, at the time when we were first started dating, we were just kind of doing all kinds of crazy stuff. You know how it is at your first meeting. We get in, we go in the booth and right when it gets ready to take the picture at the 3, 2, 1, she like whips the ring out. So like the first picture you see is my face. Like looking at the ring and my eyes are like huge. And then after we were done, I totally fell out of the photo booth. I get out. And I'm like, where we're getting married and just like, Busted my lip open. It was like a whole thing.

Steve: 6:47

I know, I know being on our one year anniversary, it was really cute. Like after we had dinner, Steven's like, all right now, to get your one year anniversary gift, you're going to go on a scavenger hunt. And he started sending me around. We were living in downtown Sarasota at the time. So we walked and we were like, he sent me to like walk to all these different places and take selfies to get clues to the next location. And then it was only when. I was like after like four or five hints when he was like, all right, now, drive to the beach. I'm just like, I remember calling the best friend Laura along the way. And I was like, I think I'm about to get proposed to, but it was funny because there was like a parking lot at the beach where everyone parks and he had a plan where like, I would park and follow this row of like, he set out, like he probably got like a thousand, like low sticks that he had like all lined up in the sand to make a path walking by our family. Of course. I'm like, so in my own head, because I'm like, I think I'm getting proposed to that. I miss the parking lot altogether just parked right along, like there, the road, along the beach and just like hopped over some shrubs. And I ended up like hopping, like right behind him. So like, I skipped the entire line of like, glowsticks skip seeing everyone in our lives that was there for it. And just like popped up right behind him and like tapped him on the shoulder. And like, when I tapped him on the shoulder and he saw it was me, you could tell you, it's like, oh fuck. But it was one of those, like were when he, when he proposed, he gave me this whole speech and I just was like, just get to the point because I was just so excited. So yeah, it was fun getting proposed to, and then we got to plan our wedding. Tell us a little bit about your way.

Savanna: 8:24

Which one? Okay. So when we got married on the 18th, we just kinda, we went to the courthouse and got our paperwork and one of my friends is a officiant. So he came down and we got married in front of this. My, where we live at and my friend came and took pictures from us and it for us and everything. But as soon as we got engaged, she knew she wanted to get married on March 9th. She already had the date. I was like, okay, that's fine. She had, she had like one job and that was to hire the DJ. Everything else was like, whatever I wanted. So I think we had like nine people on each side. Our, our colors were like this, so. Coral and Navy blue. Of course I had on this like big dress because it just had to be huge. And so we had only planned, we had to change our venue because we had too many people between, we both have a lot of family. And so we finally found a different venue that would hold everybody. But we were only allowed to have like 200 people there. And so we We got all our RSVPs back and I was like, cool. Only 150 people RSVP. I was like, we might have like an extra 10, 20 people show up. At one point, there were well over 200 people at our, at our wedding reception, we ran out of food. It was just supposed to be like heavy grazing. So it was just like tacos and yeah, they just ran through all of that, but ran out of food. But of course you don't have an alcoholic. So we had. And I, that was just, yeah. And honestly, I don't even remember much of the day because I started drinking from the time I got up, like cause I, I prepared all the food and stuff myself. So when I got up at like five o'clock in the morning to start preparing the food, once I left the food and went to go start getting ready, I started drinking. And so I was. When I went out there it got to a point where like I was, I had gotten to a point where I was so drunk. I don't think I was drunk. It was like the weirdest thing ever. It was like, I felt like I couldn't put any more alcohol in my body, but I kept putting alcohol in my body, you know, like I was like, oh man, I just feel like I need to be drunk or to have more fun. And I just couldn't. And so like, by the end of the day after we shut down, The wedding. I wanted to go out to the bars, you know, I'm like, I'm in my dress and I want to go dance. You know, I want to go and drink some more. So we stopped and I drank some more and my left put up with me for a little bit, and then she was ready to go back to the hotel. And we went back to the hotel. I was hammered and we ended up getting in this huge argument because I was so drunk. And yeah, that was. That was how my, my wedding, when I got too drunk, got into an argument. And then we woke up the next morning and went, had breakfast. We were supposed to leave Sunday night to head off on our honeymoon, but I was so drunk. I was so hung over. There was no leaving. So we had to wait, you know, get everything done that we needed to get done. And that, that spilled over into Monday.'cause I was so hung over Sunday. We didn't get everything done. And we ended up losing like a half a day of our our honeymoon.

Steve: 11:55

Yeah, no, and I mean, I can certainly relate. I was in my active drinking and addiction back then as well. And I know that Steven kind of like, let like the leash off of me, like a little bit in terms of like drinking. And then of course, like on top of the drinking that he knew that I was doing, of course, like my, my wedding party. I knew that like, every time that he went off to do something else to like slip me another drink or to keep my, my glass full, it was the strangest thing. Cause like the amount that I drank that day, like, I don't remember much of the day, but like I also don't remember like getting drunk. It was like that kind of like weird. I think it, because it was so long, but because it was like also such like a happy day and I was able to kind of ride with it. I like, I remember. Like taking pictures. It was like my favorite part. I felt like a supermodel with the way that the, the photographer was like, do this pose. Let's go to this place. Let's go do that. And like, I remember a little bit of like the dancing and the toasts. And like, I remember, you know, the, the wedding ceremony itself. Cause it was early enough in the day. But just in general, you know, there, you know, this many years later, see, it'd be like, do you remember my, my aunt so-and-so she was at the wedding and I'm like, I don't remember your aunt so-and-so, you know, I don't remember a lot of like the specific details. That's one thing that like, looking back, you know, my, my drinking, while we didn't. We were blessed in the fact that like, he, when I wanted to go out afterwards too, I wanted to keep partying, but we had to like leave because we were like leaving in like three hours for a flight to new Orleans. But I remember like still even just being like drunk on the plane, like hung over the next morning, like in new Orleans, just getting ready to go back out again. But you know, while we didn't have any fights that certainly does like dampen my ability to remember the day that was so special. But this was not your first marriage. You did hint that, that you have been married before. Can you tell us a little bit about like, kind of the differences in the marriage itself from the first one to the current one?

Savanna: 13:56

I wasn't as angry. So I was previously married to a man before and You know, he knew that I liked women before we even got married. Like it was always a long running joke that I was going to leave him for a woman someday, but, you know, I thought that I wanted these things, you know, I wanted to have kids. I wanted, you know, all the things and I didn't know that you could be with a woman and have those things, you know where I live at it's like, I mean, there were a lot of. I knew people that were gay and stuff. I just didn't know anybody that was gay that had families at the time. And so I didn't know that I could do that. And he, we got along. Okay. He was okay with who I was and so, so I wouldn't with it, but the longer we were together, the angrier I became, you know, because. I knew that there was nothing that he was going to give me that that was going to make me happy. Like I was always searching for something like, it was just never enough, you know? So like I was drinking more. I had an eating disorder. I thought I was a sex addict at one point, you know, cause I was just, you know, all these things and I thought I was a really terrible person, you know? I think. Just something was just never right with my soul. And so when we finally were divorced and I was able to date who I wanted to date, I was, I was still really nervous. Even though at this time I was deejaying at a gay bar. I was doing all the things with pride. I was like, I was doing all the things I guess I was in the closet. Like I was doing all the things in my, in the privacy of my own home, but I wasn't like moving forward on any of that, you know? And I had gone on like a ton of dates with, with all these guys. And I was like, why are you doing this? You know, this isn't what you want. You know, this is like, just do it. So I finally was like, I'm not going out on any dates. I'm not doing anything. Just going to date myself for awhile, you know, hang out with my kids and just do that. And then you know, I hadn't met my wife some years prior when I first started deejaying for pride here, where we live at. And she had just moved back into town and her and I had DJ pride against together and she saw me and she just. Talking to me like, well, she didn't started talking to me. What she did was she told everybody around town that she liked me and was asking everybody about me, but she wouldn't talk to me herself. And so. A friend of ours went to the DJ with one night and she's like, you know, who has a crush on me? Right. And I was like, who? And they were like tearing. And I was like, shut up. I was like, she didn't even talk to me. And they were like, yeah, she does. And so I, we started talking more and I knew how much she liked me, you know, from like the get-go and I just wasn't ready to. You know, like she courted me, we had long conversations, you know, we didn't have sex right away. You know, I actually, I don't even think we had slept together until we were dating. We did everything like very traditional, you know, we went on some dates, we hung out. We talked on the phone a lot. Just, you know, that kind of stuff. The more that we talk and the more I got to know her and the more she got to know me, then that connection just started to build. So we had started talking in September and then we were dating like like in a relationship by December. And then by Christmas, we had gotten our kids together for Christmas.

Steve: 18:04

Yeah, it's funny. The way timing can work out. I know when Steven and I met, we met like the, within like a week or two of us, both moving down here. He was from Ohio. I moving from Ohio. I was moving from long island and we met on Grindr and right away we did not click. We were like oil and water. We did not like each other at all. Like we didn't even like talk more than maybe two or like, you know, two or three exchanges before I was like, not for me. No, thank you. And he was like, he was like, what a douche bag? And I was like, what a douche bag? And then we went our separate ways. I was in like two short-term relationships. He had his like relationships along the way. And then we met via, I think that the website was like, okay, Cupid at the time, we were like a 95% max. But even then, like I was on it more just because I never deleted the profile and I kept like, I hate alerts on my phone even like, I can't leave like texts on red. I can't leave things on replied to, so we got into a talk, but I remember like, even like that first night or two, that we were like, seriously, We got along. Great. He didn't remember that. We had talked previously. I remembered and I was trying to like convince them, like all the reasons I was like, you don't want to date me right now. I'm not dating anyone. I'm just looking for friends because I'm so damaged because of like a, B, C, D E. So he was. We're going to date, but we can take it slow. And like, he was sure from the start, like, and he was so sure, like, like your wife now

Savanna: 19:26

has, there was, she said she saw me on the dance floor and she knew that she was going to

Steve: 19:31

marry. Oh yeah. He was so sure. And like, we had our first like date, which was like just a movie or like, no, it was just, we went to a bar for our first date and we had like one beer and then he had to like go back home because his mom just had sold shoulder. And so I was like, well, clearly he doesn't like me because he only stayed for one drink. Cause like, in my love language, drinking is drinking until like you hit the floor and then you go home blackout sex. So I left that day being like, well, I blew it. And he left knowing that I was the one. And we, we took it slowly though. It was like a couple months before we like became official and consummated the relationship and all of that, like, which was not on the, which was not like me. I'm normally like. First dates are for putting out, like, I don't know how else you're supposed to end the day, but when I was single, but also I knew at that point that what I, you know, while I didn't know my drinking, wasn't working, I knew that what I was doing in terms of dating wasn't working. Cause I, you know, I, he was so sure and I was unsure because it was so. From the get go like with him. And I was like, no relationships are supposed to be filled with like fights and makeups and drama and issues. And he was like, no, we're not going to do that. And it took me a while to like, realize that like, that's one of the best things I love about him is just how it's, you know, we've had our struggles, especially when it comes to drinking. Where my drinking behavior he can drink like a normy. And so, you know, but other than those issues that I kind of run on myself, like we, the relationship has never tumultuous, like the ones I had previously.

Savanna: 21:02

So can I ask you a question? So what was, what was the first time that like, you just. Super drunk in front of him. And how did that, how was that for, for your relationship? Like how's how soon into your relationship did you just get so hammered that you thought for sure he was going to dip?

Steve: 21:25

We I was able to ultimately explain it away, but I remember it was probably like three to six months into our relationship and I was living with her friend and in Venice and. He came over and the plan was cause like, I've always been the type to like, want to go to bed at like 10. Like I've never been up late, but it was the midnight release of Pokemon X and Y. And so the plan was to stay up until midnight. And then go to Walmart and pick it up and then like get home and like start playing it and have it, like I was like, and he had never played the Pokemon games before. Seriously. Like he did like the originals, but like he never got into it. Even though my niece and nephew were like, we've tried to get him into it. And I was like, well, I have my own special ways of getting them into things. But I remember just because. We didn't stop drinking. Like our, I didn't stop drinking at 10. Like we just, I kept drinking and drinking and next thing I know it's like midnight. Like I remember just like stumbling up and down the hall, the walls or the halls of like Walmart, like couldn't even find the video game section. He was trying to like steer me while like being polite and caring. Cause like he had never seen me like that before. And like, I don't remember the process of like, I have flashes of us being at Walmart and then I have like flashes of the next morning, but like, I don't even remember like how he got home. I don't remember starting the game. I don't remember any of that. And I was able to kind of say like, well, I'm not used to drinking that much that long and you know, Because we're masters of excuses, you know, whenever, whenever we need to explain it away, I mean, there were so many times throughout our marriage, even where he would find liquor bottles in the closet or in the drawer or the cabinets of this and that, or the other thing. And I would try and like explain it away. And there was never really any good excuse, but at the same time, He never really, he would let me know how disappointed he was. And it was always like, you know, like a parent, like when you're like, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. And sometimes that's even worse cause you want them to yell and you want them to get upset. But he just, he never pushed my sobriety because I feel like in some ways, like he knew, like I wasn't ready at that time. It was only after, like, I kind of hit my spiritual rock bottom where I was like waking up in the middle of the night, like crying. Like, why am I still alive? Like that? He was like, okay, maybe you should do something about this. What about you and like, what was your first experience with your wife?

Savanna: 23:51

I had, well, when her and I had, I was deejaying every Thursday when her and I first started dating actually. Let me back because the first night that her and I hung out, it was the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. And I was going to stay the night at her house because we were going to go to the bar. And then I was just going to go back to her place because she lived closer to the bar and we ride, it was like a whole thing. I was so nervous because like, I. I wasn't sure if we were going to sleep together and my wife has feminine, but she's very masculine presenting. So I had no idea how this was going to go. So I just got so drunk. And when we got back to her house, she just refused to, like she said, I tried a couple of times to like put the moves on her, but like she refused because that was so drunk. And so I think that night I was able to explain it a way, because I was super nervous, which I was, I'm still holding onto that one, but The first time that I lost control to where it like really scared her was that December we were dating on new year's. We went to my friend's house and she throws this big, huge, new year's party. And I was wrecked. So like, by the time she was done DJ at her gig and came back to the house, I was. Out of it, but we're really upset. Her was the next morning when we got up for breakfast. My friend and I, we started drinking the most. And I think she must've popped like three bottles of champagne. And so we had three of the kids with us and we were driving back home. Cause we were in Michigan. I was, I was throwing up all over myself. I was so drunk, like It was terrible, so bad. Like we're on the expressway. She's trying to drive us home. You know, the kids were still real, the work we're young at this time. So like they're all freaking out and I'm just like a hot mess. We finally get back to the house. I pass out like out the boys dad comes and picks them up. I had absolutely no idea what's going on. I think I finally woke up. 11 o'clock and she is just freaked out. And I thought, for sure, I was like, oh my God, I have ruined this before we started, you know? And she was, she wasn't, she wasn't as mad as she was scared because her mom died of alcohol poisoning. So the fact that like, I was so drunk and so passed out that she couldn't wake up. It really freaked her out, you know, and at that point she was like you know, do you, is this how you drink? This is how you do, because. I can't put up with this, you know, and I was like, well, you know, we haven't seen each other in a long time. So, you know, I don't normally drink champagne. You know, I had all these excuses as to why, you know, but but it never changed. And I always had an excuse that already, like, you know, I had a rough week or this or that, or I'm stressed or, you know, ah, yeah. So. Yeah, that was ad I honestly, there's a couple of times that I had gotten really, really out of control. And then I thought for sure, the next morning, like she was going to leave, but she didn't, she stuck by

Steve: 27:22

me. Yeah. They stuck by us, both through it all. And eventually we found our way to sobriety. How would you say that your relationships changed since getting.

Savanna: 27:33

It's, it's improved like right now where we are right now is at a good spot. I mean, cause you have to think about it when we first got, when we first act together, not only were we getting together and moving in together, we were finding homes. We were combining parenting styles. We had other parents involved. So like, it was more than us just getting together. There were all these things and we're planning a wedding on top of that. So all those things that are like stressors in a relationship, we're just like, and you put my drinking on top of that, you know, it just, it was, it was a bad mix. So now being 16 months sober and. Being able to actually be relied upon to, she can talk to me, we can talk to each other. We can have a good time without me, like checking out because I got super drunk, you know? I know we're always, there's always going to be something that's going to be an issue. We're going to have good days and bad days, but the fact that we can. Talk about it in a calm way and figure out a solution that makes it a lot, a lot better these days. So I think at first, when I first started AA, she was she didn't know what to expect, you know? Cause I think her mom had been in and out of sobriety, but she had never had any longterm sobriety. And so. And her mind, she thought I was going to go to a couple of meetings and then I was going to be cured. And for me in the beginning, I was struggling so hard cause we had all these other things that were going on too, that I was going to a lot of meetings. Like I was going to like two and three meetings a day. Like maybe there were more than that. Like every. You know, and then she was like, I don't understand why you keep having to go and this, that and whatnot. And so I had to, like, we sat down and we read the doctor's opinion together and the big book and it, you know, how the doctor's opinion and it breaks it down as to what type of drinker people are and whatnot. I think it gave her a better understanding of what the program was, you know you know, with expected, what do you need in order to be successful in sobriety? And there's times that. She would be sitting next to me during meetings, you know, I would share about things going on or things that I had done. And she would be right there next to me and understanding. And it's like now when I talk about how it used to be and where I was headed her eyes are a lot open, a lot more open to just how bad, you know, my drinking was. And she understands, you know, What the program is and what it means to me and how important it is to my sobriety.

Steve: 30:33

Yeah, I understand. I know that it took Steven sometime just because when I was drinking, there was so much trust lost that I think it was like around my 90 days, like around my three months that I was like, everything's all better now. Like I'm super confident and. I'm still like nervous when I get home some days that I'm going to come home to you, like in a blackout. And like, we're like, what's going to happen. And I think part of that was like, I was working the program hard and I had made suggestions of like, you know, you can come to meetings too, or there's Alanon or there's this, or there's that? Cause, I mean, I tried to point out. As much as like, I went through a lot for myself. Like I put you through a lot too. It was only, I would say like between three and six months when I got into that routine of like going, you know, in staying in the routine of like going to the must see every night. And he switched from using that chance to catch up on the DV. To working on his own spiritual journey. He's gotten really insight, the metaphysical, like guided meditations and our local apothecary, like he's built great friendships and relationships there. And I feel like even though it's a very different type of spiritual program, like we both have found our spiritual programs now where like now when I go into meetings, he's taking like life coaching classes and things like. And it was only once we both started kind of working on our own thing that like, that, that healing really began. And now like, he's like, I have trust in you. Like I know when I come home, you're going to be here. Cause he was always big on like, when I drink, I was a different person, but like it wasn't the person he met it. Wasn't the person he married. Like now he knows, like, I know I get to come home to you every night instead of wondering who I was coming home to. Right.

Savanna: 32:11

Yeah. I. You know, now I have more like responsibility, like homework, you know, helping the kids with their homework and stuff like that. And, you know, just helping with the day-to-day stuff. And if I say that, like, I'm going to. Do something I can be relied at burn to do that, you know, before, when I would help the kids with their homework, I mean, I would be doing it while I was drinking. And you know how I can't expect a first grader, know what all their homework, I need to open up their folder and check it. You know, I was just doing the bare minimum, but like now I like the fact that the kids come to. And ask me and they know that they can rely on me and stuff, you know, because they, they didn't do that before. You know, and I had to ask her like she was doing all these things cause we're taking care of her grandfather because that early stages of dementia. So she's over there a lot. And I was like, I can do this. I was like, just give me a chance, you know, just tell me what I gotta do and I can do this. And it's like now that I'm helping the kids with their homework and they come home and they've got like good marks. I get little comments on it. I'm like, yeah, I did that. I did that proud of myself. Cause it's like, you know, I helped them with that. And like, it's a big deal now to me for that, you know, it's

Steve: 33:36

so weird. Yes. I love when there are pre-meetings. I get to hear you mom it out at the kids and it's always fun.

Savanna: 33:42

Always momming. It is a full-time job. We're getting ready for. Our oldest son graduates on the 22nd of this month. So I did that. I can't believe it. Like I know once they have, he has prom on the 14th. I know I will be crying from prom until graduation in 20 seconds. But it, I, now that cause the kids are 18 15, nine and eight. And so my youngest. Boy, I would have been graduating in 20, 25. And even that seemed like far away, but now our daughter, she doesn't graduate until 2032. That doesn't even seem real. It's never going to stop any 32. It's never ending. So, but I say that now, but 2032 will be here before, you know it, you know, so.

Steve: 34:37

And, you know, we've talked about some of the blessings that we found in sobriety in our marriage on the flip side of that coin, like what's been the hardest part of staying sober while being married.

Savanna: 34:48

Just life. I mean, I guess using alcohol as a coping mechanism, you know, having to actually deal with stuff when, when it comes up, you know, I think that's, that's been the hardest thing. For me, I needed to admit that I can't fix any everything by myself. You know, the last argument that we kinda got into, I didn't want to tell my wife that I needed, I needed. You know, because I was just trying to do all these things on my own and it just caused this huge argument and stuff like that. Cause she thought I was hiding something from her. I mean, it wasn't anything bad, you know what I'm saying? And anything nefarious or anything, it was just, I needed help, but I didn't want to burden her. But in that I was putting all of this on me, which was changing my behavior and whatnot. And so like, Since we had our last talk and our last conversation, no matter how small the issue is, if it's something that I can't do, I just can't do it. And I have to say like, I can't do it. I need your help.

Steve: 36:08

Yeah. I know that, you know, life certainly has been the biggest struggle in my sobriety and dealing with things without having that kind of escape plan of, well, there's always a chance. But I also know, like in terms of the marriage and sobriety, it's been, we haven't had any fights about it, but it has been like, there are times where we go out to celebrate something and I'm like, I know that normally he would have a drink, but he's like so afraid to drink in front of me. And I guess I could be blessed because he could also be the type to be like, well, I want to keep a bottle in the house. And like, I don't know how I would handle that, but when we go out and like, there are times where I'm like, go like have your drink. And he's like, no, no, no, I can't because. You're an alcoholic. And like, he doesn't say it like that, but like, I get that feeling and I just, w I wish, you know, I wish sometimes he would just like, have the damn drink, cause like he can have half of it and then stop for some reason that I'll never understand. But like, I feel like sometimes, like my sobriety is like taking away from his ability to enjoy something that he normally would enjoy occasionally.

Savanna: 37:09

Right. Well it's the same thing with my wife. Like if we go out and she wants to drink, it's like I did a drink. You know, you have a designated driver now for like ever so, and she doesn't drink nearly as much as I drank. Like she would try to keep up with me back in the day, but like, You know, she just, she does it and she doesn't drink liquor like that. So she'll buy like a six pack of Corona and that'll last her for forever, you know? And I mean, it doesn't bother me. And if she wants to go out to stuff, we're at a point now in our relationship where if I don't feel like I can handle bowling, I don't go. I mean, there's times where I'm in early sobriety, I would be dressed, ready to walk out the door and I will be like, I can't go. Yeah, I can do that. And we don't and we don't go, I would tell her she, you can go, you know, just go ahead. And she would shoot a few times. She didn't go. But like a couple of times I made her go, I'm like, look, you have to go, you know, you're not an alcoholic, you know, I'm the alcoholic I can, I don't just do what you're going to do. It is totally fine. You know? I think. I think it's hard maybe for our partners sometimes. And I guess that's kind of a blessing, I have had conversations outside of the meeting with people that are sober, that have said that they don't feel supported. And that, you know, dynamic as far as like having alcohol and stuff in the house or, or just friends of mine that are trying to get sober, that aren't even in the program, but are trying to get sober, but they feel like they can't because their partner is still like a pretty heavy drink.

Steve: 38:55

Yeah, it's a good problem for us to have, but still like, it's just like, just have that damn drink. Like, it's fine. Just you ever,

Savanna: 39:02

like when you were, when you were drinking before, had you ever dated somebody that, like, you thought you had a drinking problem and instead of like saying, oh, maybe you do, they told you like, maybe you should just stick to beer or you should just stick to like girly drinks.

Steve: 39:21

No one had ever pointed. To me before, or if they do like, I didn't, wasn't ready to listen to it, but I know like, even at the time, like when Steven and I met, like, it was interesting that like, I remember even telling him, like at first, like I only have beer or wine. I don't do liquor. I wasn't drinking liquor at the time. And then we were like hanging out with like some of his friends and they're like, they only had liquor. And I remember like getting drunk and I was like, it's because I don't do liquor, but it's also like, I don't do liquor because once I start, I can't stop. And it's a lot, it takes a lot longer to have a bottle of wine than it does to have two or three shots. So I remember that being a thing that changed is like I started drinking liquor when we were together. Cause that was his preferred choice of alcohol. If he was drinking and it took me some. Finagling before I became a, a pro at that quote unquote air quotes, you know, but yeah, I, I would say like, if a listener is listening to this episode and struggling with their marriage, what kind of advice would you give them?

Savanna: 40:23

I would say go to counseling. You know, we, we've been a couple of times we have been to couples counseling a few times before and it helped us. I had gotten some counseling for myself when I first got sober. My wife had that some counseling before I would say be patient. I had suggested Alanon and stuff for my wife and I just because of my alcoholism. But you know, like I said, her mom was an alcoholic as well. I think she went to one Alanon meeting and That was it, but she's found something that's work that works for her. And we've been able to, to come together, but her patients, you know, with me saying, just give me some time, it's going to be okay. Just. Be patient with me, you know, and she was patient, but I know that she probably had support to help her get through it. Cause I know I did, you know, it's easy when you're an alcoholic. Cause you have all the support cause you, you know, you're going to meetings and. You know, doing all these things. So if you get into an argument with your spouse, it's easy for you to call three or four people or go to a meeting and able to talk to, you know, talk about it. But sometimes, you know, your spouse might not have that outlet. So, you know, I would say BP.

Steve: 41:41

Yeah, I, I would, I would agree for sure. I know that that was the changer for us is like at first I was working a program and Steven was watching that woman you know, it was only when he started doing his own thing in his own way. Like, you know, now that we have our own things, as people in the program, like, whatever it is for them, if it's not Alanon, if it's not for, you know, some sort of counseling, just like having them find their own things, what kind of help balance out that relationship? And if a listener is struggling with their sobriety, what kind of advice would you give them?

Savanna: 42:18

Well, if you are a part of the program, you know what did I say? Don't drink and go to meetings. Like for me, the simplest things, it was for me, I did everything they told me to do. They told me to get a sponsor. I got a sponsor. They told me to Go to some literature meetings. So I went to some literature meetings cause you know, to help me go through the big book, you know, along with what I was doing with my steps, with a sponsor and pick up. Yeah. You know that phone, man. I know some people like I would, I would sit there and have the phone in my hand. I'm like, well, I don't want to bother anybody. Cause when I first got sober, I mean, I couldn't get through the day without making a ton of phone calls. I just needed people to tell me like, how am I going to get through this? And then like two hours later, I would call somebody else. Like, so how am I going get through this? You know? And I did a lot of talking and I felt like I got on people's nerves. But I don't think I did because that's what the program is all about. We're now giving to others what was given to you. And, you know, since those people that I called and that I still call were able to give me time and patience and understanding, I'm able to give others time, patience and

43:33

understanding.

Steve: 43:34

Yeah. And I mean, to also add onto what you said earlier, when you were saying how you were struggling is like, ask for help. Like, if you're struggling, ask for that,'cause that's some, sometimes the hardest thing for us alcoholics to do, whether it be about our sobriety or about some other problem that we're having. But the only way you can get help is if you ask for it. So I have to

Savanna: 43:53

ask for help and don't be embarrassed. Like there's nothing. I feel like I've, I've, I've encountered so many stories in the program that like, I don't think there's anything that any person has done, that somebody hasn't already done, you know, so. I had to like, get over all of that and just being brutally honest about everything because I wanted, I wanted help.

Steve: 44:20

Yeah. And something that not everyone in sobriety does, but you do Austin. This, you tick talk about it. Do you want to share your tick, talk with people if they didn't listen to your first episode or having it's been a minute?

Savanna: 44:32

Yeah. I am on tic-tac at Lucci underscore mamas, Luci, mamas.

Steve: 44:38

Excellent. And I'll be sure to include that in the show notes so that people can find you. Thank you so much for coming back. It was a pleasure as always.

Savanna: 44:47

Oh, thank you for having me. I look forward to the

Steve: 44:50

next topic. Yes. And thank you listeners for tuning into another episode of Gaye, please rate and review. If you found this information help. If you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show or just saying hi, I love hearing from you. I'm on Instagram at gay podcasts, or you can email me@gaypodcastatgmail.com and before you leave, make sure you're following us wherever you're listening so you can get new episodes when they come out every Monday and Thursday. And until next time stay sober friends.