Sex and Communication ft. Dave

Steve welcomes back Dave to talk about sex in sobriety.

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Transcript

Steve: 0:56

Hi everyone. And welcome to a, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-Martin. I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for the great sex I'm having in my sobriety. As of this recording, I am 350 days sober. And today we are welcoming back. Dave, welcome back to the. Again,

Dave: 1:16

Scott. I know it's good to be back. Yes. Thank you very much for having me. Yes.

Steve: 1:20

Well, I appreciate us being able to do double bookings for people counting my days, along with me, this is the same day that we recorded our last episode on dating. And now we are going to talk about sex.

Dave: 1:32

Yes, we are. I can't wait.

Steve: 1:34

And why did you choose sex as a topic that you were interested in talking to?

Dave: 1:39

Because I loved sex. But I'm also a sexist played a really big role in my journey in sobriety and addictions. So I think it's one of those things that is, has always been intertwined in my journey. And I wanted to. Talk about it and get it out there and, you know, tell my story so that people who are kind of traversing the, the world of sex and drugs and alcohol can kind of configure hear my side of the story and hear what's here. Some of the craziness that has happened that will always, you know, be a part of me, but has that will make sure that they know it gets better. It's hard. It's a hard thing to, to get through. So.

Steve: 2:25

Yeah. That's I know pretty much then, you know, soon after I discovered sex, I had sober sex a bunch of times because I hadn't started drinking yet, but pretty much once I found drinking, drinking, and sex were almost always intertwined, especially when it came to going out. So I know that when getting sober, the question is, can you still have good sex? And I think that we'll be able to provide the answer is yes, hopefully.

Dave: 2:48

Yeah. And healthy sex is something that a lot of. And the sober friends even years into sobriety are having trouble finding his healthy, happy, comfortable sex. Because again, it's one of those things where it's intertwined with, with drinking and drugs and stuff. You've learned how to have sex on drugs. You've learned how to just have sex drinking and, and some people who are deep in addiction can only have sex on those things. And I think that's really, really challenging to pull yourself out of and to get on to a normal, healthy path.

Steve: 3:20

Yeah, I can agree. Well, tell us a little bit about what your sex life was like before you got sober.

Dave: 3:26

Messy. That is ma it was messy. It was again going out, you know, you go out, you get. To find a cute guy. You go home with them, you wake up and you realize that he wasn't that cute, or it wasn't a good time. Or you were just the master. You weren't that cute. Like it's just before getting sober. Yeah. Sex was definitely a hot mess for sure. It's bad choices, unsafe practices, you know, sleeping with people that I really shouldn't have slept with. And then, you know, being a person also on the other. Being someone that that person shouldn't have slept with, I think is also a big part of it. Like I, myself was not a good sexual partner in the throes of addiction. So,

Steve: 4:13

yeah, I agree. And you know, speaking of waking up next to someone who you wouldn't normally wake up with, I mean, and safety, you know, did you ever find yourself in dangerous or unhealthy sex situations when, during.

Dave: 4:26

Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, especially when I was drinking, it was, there was unsafe situations, but more so of like compromising my, you know, sexual safety and yeah. STDs and all that stuff can be pretty rampant and you may kind of bad choices when it comes to being drunk and having sex with people. But also I think just stuff like, you know, parking in the wrong spot and having your car get towed, like that's not a great situation to be in. And the really unsafe sexual experiences for me didn't really start until I started using drugs and using my drug of choice for a long time was crystal meth. So that drug is. For me, at least inherently linked to a sex site, I would take the first hit off that pipe and it was sex for the next 12 hours wherever I could get it. You know, having sex with big groups of people. And also one of the things that I found myself doing was. When I was using that particular drug was living with a lot of drug dealers because they had the stuff, they had, the guys, they had the room, they had the space, they have, you know, everything I needed. And, and that is an extremely unsafe situation to be in, is to be with someone who is seriously breaking the law with two with drugs. And so that was for sure, probably the, some of the most unsafe times of my life. Was ending up in really rough neighborhoods really late at night. With some of the shadiest people, you could probably think about doing one of the most insidious drugs that there is out there. So yes, very unsafe.

Steve: 6:03

I feel like in some ways, like at the time I thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But I think because my first experience with crystal meth was in my freshman year, of course, And I thought I was smoking marijuana and the person who was giving it to me, like, let me lead me to believe that. And like next thing I knew, I was not feeling myself. And like I called a friend who like rescued me from the party before I was like the fresh meat in the group. And I think that like, I'm glad that it was such a negative experience because if it was a positive one, I probably would've gone back for more. But, you know, alcohol, even like, similarly, I, you know, months later I remember blacking out at a party and just waking up, and that was the first time we were like, I woke up next to someone who I never would have slept with. And like, didn't remember consenting to anything. And, you know, later on you hear like, oh, that's the thing that they do is they just like pick on the guy who was like passed out and take them. And it's just not a good feeling, you know, afterwards I would repeat that encounter, you know, across my. Sex life you know, at, to the point where it almost felt normal, but that first time where I woke up, I just remember just the amount of shame and just, you know, not remembering whether they were a condom or not, or if I work on them or not, or like what happened? It's just not the best feeling to wake up to. No.

Dave: 7:19

Yeah. Especially like when, I mean, when I first started doing crystal, I, the first hit was. One of the biggest rushes of my life. And I knew as soon as I started doing, I was like, this is going to be a problem. This is going to be a big problem. And actually my first hit of crystal meth was after and I had a drinking. I went out with these two guys and I was, that were super hot. They got me nice and drunk. And we went back to their, put their apartment. The pipe came out. I had no idea what it was. And then I hit that thing and I spiked in like right into clarity and it was like, oh, this is going to be a problem. And I, so my first experience was great and therefore just led me down this path of like, kind of seeking it out from, from then on. And yeah, it's it's, it was one of those things where I don't often have, like, I have a strong memory of my first time drinking, but I don't remember. It like I did my first hit of crystal and being like, this is going to be a problem. This is bad. Yeah. But it's not so good. Like, but so, but also so good. It felt so good. And that's just scary to think about, because it was, you don't usually necessarily feel that inevitable doom kind of creeping up your back the first time you do something like stuff.

Steve: 8:38

Yeah. And on the lighter side of the darker side of things, I mean, do you just have any plain, just funny or embarrassing. Sex stories from your drinking or using

Dave: 8:48

days, or your, I remember like I had this, I had this guy, I had a huge crush on it, lived in New York and he was like a crush. Trainer. And we have been friends for years and he finally came up to visit me and visit me in Boston. And we went out, I mean, he like totally got wasted together at the club and then went back to his place. And I like for finally going to have sex after years of talking to each other and like, whatever we finally did. And I remember him, like when we were done, like, I just started like crying, like bawling my eyes out, like a drunk wasted, like wasted, like. Like, I don't remember why I was crying. And it was you put, I just like, here's this really hot, really nice guy that I've been talking to for years. And all of a sudden here I am in a hotel room, like crying, like a baby crying is not wrong. Buying is not bad. It doesn't demasculate, you know, whatever, but like, it was still very saying to be like, bawling my eyes up this poor guy's hotel room. That was a pretty embarrassing sexual experience on trick while drinking.

Steve: 9:48

Yeah, I know that like, for me typically it was just that like whiskey, Dick is a real thing.

Dave: 9:55

That is, oh, I mean, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, that is for sure. And of course there's like the passing out. Why in the middle of sex I've passed out in the middle of it or needed to get up and throw up or, you know, Being absolutely foolish or one time it was like fucking up with this guy and I was wasted and I like was like, we should like change positions or whatever. And we both fucking fell off the bed and like hit the floor so hard. Cause we were just both wasted and didn't know where we were and like, oh man, maca.

Steve: 10:32

Yeah. Well, on the brighter side of things now, for real, like how would you say your sex life has changed or evolved since getting.

Dave: 10:41

It has been incredible. Once I got sober, I, I, I made sure that I was sleeping with people that I truly trusted and truly cared for. One of the things about coming out of this was I needed to make sure I was surrounded by good people and that meant every minute of my life. And so when I first got so great, I had a couple of guys that would, would sleep with that were just like almost like best friends. We would have amazing sex together and then just sit and talk for an hour or more and then go back at it again. And I would just kind of have the. Incredibly meaningful encounters with these incredible meaningful people. And it kind of just like brought me back to earth if everything was going to be possible and everything was going to be okay. I mean, my first year of sobriety was like really, truly one of the most enlightening experiences that I've had in my whole life, because I just happened to. Have the right people involved in my life and right people there for me, both socially and, and, and sexually, it was really, really fantastic to be making great decisions with. Good people who are actually cared about me. So really great, actually.

Steve: 11:59

Yeah. And that's awesome. I know that it's even changed for like my husband and I like, cause beforehand I wouldn't always like drink during the day before we had sex, but like, it definitely, like, I also smoked a lot of pot and so I would be like hitting that marijuana. Like it was a Popsicle or a piece of candy, like before we would get high and we'd have like, we'd have sex. And I was just like stoned out of my mind. And so it was like, almost like nervous that very first time after I got sober and we had sex together again, like I was like, can I do it sober? And it was probably one of the most like intimate experiences that we've ever had. Cause it was also like rebuilding a lot of like trusts that had been lost over my drinking and using.

Dave: 12:39

Exactly. And for me, it was coming off of crystal, especially cause crystal makes it to an absolute sexual maniac. Like you have sex for hours and hours and hours with as many people as you can. It's just how your brain or how my brain works on that drug. And that was, that was one of the things that I, I, I enjoyed was that I could be wild and I could be this kind of like unbridled, like sexual being and. And the idea of not being able to do that, you know, with, without drugs was, was a little bit of a concern of mine. I was like, I liked that part of myself that made it brought out and I liked being very, very sexual and being this kind of this person. But once I started to. Build that trust with the people I was sleeping with and trust myself that I realized I could let that side out of me without drugs. It's about like building yourself up and building up those good relationships with those people that are kind of training you into it. And it really has been I'm. I tell everyone that I, you know, that I sleep with, who knows about my, my drinking and my drug and passes. Like I always tell him like, I'm way more fun, sober than I ever was. Like trust me. Yeah. So that's, that has been it's pretty good. It's pretty good.

Steve: 13:58

Yeah. And have you had any struggles with potential partners? Not like getting or understanding your sobriety?

Dave: 14:04

I, I recently went on a date with someone who so kind of like, this is more dating than so then sexually, but I wanted to date with someone who wanted me to make sure that I didn't really talk much about my sobriety with his friends, because he thought that it was his friends were going to be judgmental towards me about my sobriety. And that was like one of the biggest red flags. I think I've ever encountered in my sobriety with someone who was like, you might want to just kind of keep it, you know, to yourself at first and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, absolutely not. Yeah. I don't know who you think you're talking to, but like, Nope, like this is a huge part of my life. This is a huge part of my I'm I'm I fought for my life to be here right now. I'm not gonna hide. What safe may, which is my sobriety. Absolutely not. Sexually, I think people are sometimes a little bit timid around me because they may have been using drugs or drinking when they had sex. And so the idea, like, especially if I meet someone out at a club and I want to take them home with me, they can be a little bit like, oh, I've been drinking. Is that okay? And, and I think. I'm always, like, I always tell anyone that I'm sleeping with her or anything like that. Like you can do kind of as long as where we're safe and as long as Euro you're, you know, you're okay. You can do what you want. Just don't be sneaky about it. Don't hide it from me. You drinking, are you, you know, being intoxicated is not gonna jeopardize my sobriety. Yeah. So like that, that hasn't been anyone, like, not understanding, but people just kind of not understanding how to interact with me has been a little bit, maybe sometimes have an issue. Cause I'm like, I'm not like, I'm not like like I'm not like this fragile snowflake. That's kind of like, oh, your breath smells like alcohol. Like, oh my God, I need to go use like, no, like you're. Yeah, you guys are good. Like you, you know, we're going to be okay. I think that's the closest thing. I've come to someone kind of like not understanding, it's just kind of their interactions with me, but

Steve: 16:00

yeah. And I know last episode, we kind of manifested your perfect ideal boyfriend for dating. But what kind of, how would you describe her? What kind of qualities do you find attractive in a potential sex party?

Dave: 16:12

So, I mean, you give me a tattoo sleeve and a gym membership and I'm on board. Like, I'm I like, I like I like a muscled up by tattooed guy. Like I said before, I kinda like the bat, like the bad-ass looking guys. I like me to kind of look like it could kick my ass, but I also like someone who's passionate and caring and checks in. I do a lot of, I do a lot of that when I have sex with someone, I check in a lot. I literally straight up ask, you know, what do you like? What feels good? I like someone who does that too. Who's really invested in investigating the other person's body and what the other person can do. Cause I want to see what you can do. Like I, like, I like to really delve in and see a person's, you know, Speed and how, how they can, how their body works. It's really, really it's one of the best things about sex is like figuring it out, figuring out like your partner's strengths and matching your strengths to theirs. I mean him, like, I guess I'm, I'm I call myself a power verse. I like both, you know, big nasty tops, just welling to pound into the bed. And they also like to top a guy know. The same way too. So some people who are, some of my friends are bottoms. They're like, oh, I didn't realize you were, you know, you kind of, people tend to think of me more as a bottom. Some of my bottom friends are just like, oh, I didn't realize I'm like, be careful. Cause I'll fucking smash you a little bit. I like like a little bit. I like it rough and like it crazy. Like, it's fine. Like but it's also good to have. Crazy nasty fund, but then kind of zoning on someone and have a really like soft, passionate moment too. It's it's I like a good ebb and flow. So I think that answers your

Steve: 17:57

question. It does. And like, I, I understand like one thing that was like, I was, my friends always kind of knew me as like the bottom boy and I realized that a lot of that was because of. Too drunk to be able to top. And so I was like, I've learned in my sobriety and like, oh, I like both, like I liked topping a whole lot more sober than I ever thought that I did before getting sober. And so it's just amazing kind of the things that you, we don't even like learn about ourselves until we get sober in terms of sex.

Dave: 18:23

Yeah. And I like, I hate to put myself in a box. And it, if you're, if I see someone I'm attracted to and I S I, I, I have a good chemistry is huge with me. Like, I, I, chemistry is the biggest part of sex for me is that connection in that. And so if we get home and then all of a sudden, you say, oh, no, I'm, you know, if I bring this. Beefy muscle bear home. And he's like, oh, I'm a bottom. I'm like, cool. Let's do it. Like, I, I don't want to miss out on options. Like, yeah. I really like that. To be able to kind of really, again, explore each other and keeping it versus I think really, really been really, really fun. It's really fun. I

Steve: 19:04

agree. And speaking of really fun, what would you say has been one of your best sexual experiences since getting.

Dave: 19:11

I had a really good sexual experience actually over during labor day, I went to Provincetown in Massachusetts for labor day weekend by myself and just wanted to get away before my fall season started. And I was on, I just was looking through Instagram and this guy like hit me up and was like Someone told me you were the one to talk to about being sober in P town. I was like, first of all, love that, love that. So him and I met up and he was having a lot of trouble having sex sober, and I just kind of was talking to him about, you know, kind of loving yourself and trying to really be comfortable with you and only doing what you're comfortable with. And him and I got invited. This jockstrap party. And he was a little bit nervous and I was like, listen, like we only do what you want to do. And you know, if, if you want to go, like we can go like, just play it by ear. Let's see what happens. So the doc party started out pretty tame people, just like, you know, people were drinking there. But so we were just kind of having our, our seltzer waters in. Then I went to the bathroom when I came back out and it was an orgy in a second. And I was like, how long was I in that bathroom? Because holy potatoes, everyone is going at it. So of course I looked at my friend, I'm like, oh, he's like, this is one of the things like Kenny have sex over. And I just looked around and there, he was in the middle of everything just completely enjoying himself. So I kind of just like, okay, cool. So this is my key to like, I can do my thing too. So we, this sex party was so good and so fun and everyone, the energy was so great. And after the party we like stepped out of the apartment, the door closed behind us NIGOs. I could never, in a million years, I thought that would happen. And I want to thank you so much. Bringing me into that world and bringing me into a place where sober great sex and and I wouldn't have done it without you. And that was one of those moments where like I'm, I was in P town on labor day weekend for a reason. And that was to show this guy an incredibly fun time. Move him one step closer to feeling super comfortable with him, his soul herself. So it was like this big, like it was a grandiose sexual experience, but it was like one of the most rewarding experience that I've had in my sobriety.

Steve: 21:43

That's the most beautiful sex party story I've ever heard.

Dave: 21:47

Thanks.

Steve: 21:50

And especially after you've had that experience with him, what kind of advice would you give to someone who is sober and struggling with their sexual confidence?

Dave: 22:00

You know a giant jockstrap sex Brighton may not be for everyone. So I think just again, finding someone, you are completely comfortable with this and taking it at your own pace if you don't have that, I think there's some of the first sexual experiences you have. Need to be fantastic ones. So you can have a foundation of, of, of joy and, and acceptance and, and, and a wonderful feeling to start building off of. Don't dive into it head first. I'm hoping it's going to be great and getting disappointed. I, I think you should find someone that you really connect with and you really care about and really cares about you and wants to explore this sexual side of you as a Silverman.'cause like I said before at the beginning, like a lot of my friends have a lot of trouble with sex posts, sobriety. It's so linked with so much shame and so much darkness. And even for me, like some of the darkest nastiest, most upsetting times of my whole life revolved directly around sex and drugs. And to be able to come out of that is is really challenging. So you have to build a good foundation. You have to be. If to start out as, as best as you can with your kind of best foot forward, I guess you could say, but you gotta be with someone who's going to literally be like, we'll stop immediately if you're not feeling right. And then we'll be able to kind of work with you almost like the more you trust the person, the more you'll trust yourself, the more you trust yourself, the more confident you'll get. I think that's the best advice is just like, take your time and do your thing with someone you really. Yeah, I

Steve: 23:40

couldn't agree more. Well, any last words on sex and sobriety,

Dave: 23:46

Just, just have fun and be safe and keep talking. I love when people talk during sex, as far as like communication, communication, communication, I think is one of the biggest things you can do when you're with your sexual partner is communicate. Don't be afraid to try new things and know. Just be good to each other. Cause that's the most intimate, you know, sexism is one of the most intimate things you can do. Like you gotta be good to the person you're doing it with otherwise it's gonna damage both of you.

Steve: 24:14

Yeah. And I would agree, especially with the communication part. I know that before getting sober. My husband, I didn't really talk during sex. And now we do, and it's just certainly been a game changer in terms of that. So sex and communication is going to be a great episode title because if not, it would have been just sex with Dave,

Dave: 24:33

the exit date, which, Hey, you know what, there wasn't a good amount of people that would have been all chime in, in this council system too. But yeah, I always, I always say to people like. I literally in the middle of sex, I always say sometimes just, Hey, I'm just checking in. Like, and that's one thing that even some of my sexual partners out at the clubs will walk up to me and say, Hey, like, Hey, I'm just checking in. It's something that really resonates with people that I say. And that's it's just, we could be in the, in the absolute heat of it and going nuts and just, Hey, just checking in. And then he kind of brings you right together. And I think that's one of those things. And. You know, it, it really helps to check in. Yeah.

Steve: 25:12

Excellent. Well, tell the listeners where they can find you as well as your, your great social.

Dave: 25:18

So you guys can find me on Instagram at Jim Dave, 85 DUI, M D a V E 85. And then you can also search sober gay Sunday, which is my silver case. Sunday social group here in Boston. We do things like ax, throwing and museums and beach trips and all that stuff. And that's I talked a little bit more about it, the other other episode, but it's one of my proudest proudest accomplishments. The Silverman is getting these wonderful. Sober gay Bostonian guys together for events and seeing the, the connections they make. And so that's one of my, when I bought my most, my proudest thing. So silver gay Sunday and Jim Navy, 85 on Instagram. Excellent.

Steve: 26:01

Well, thank you so much for coming.

Dave: 26:04

Thank you for having me. It's been great.

Steve: 26:05

Yeah. And thank you listeners for tuning into another episode of gay. We'd love to hear what you think of the podcast you can rate and review. If you do that leave us a five star rating on apple podcasts that helps other people find this podcast that need to hear it. If you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show or just saying hi, you can find me on Instagram at gay podcast, or email me@gayapodcastatgmail.com. And don't forget to follow us wherever you're listening so you can get new episodes when they come out every Monday and Thursday. And so next time stay sober friends.