You Can't Do It Alone ft. James

Steve welcomes James to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

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Transcript

Steve: 0:56

Hi everyone. And welcome to gAy A, a podcast about sobriety for the plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett, Martin. I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for my parents. Most of the time, as of this recording, I am 453 days sober. And today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom and hope with you. Welcome to the show, James. Thank you. I am so excited to get the chance to know you better. Any friend of Brandy Joe's is a friend of mine.

James: 1:24

he's the best. He, he, I think he likes my husband more than he likes me, but well,

Steve: 1:29

why don't you introduce yourself to our listeners?

James: 1:31

Sure. My name is James Berg and I am an alcoholic and the date of my last drink is February 23rd, 2009. So I am coming. Gratefully I'm 14 years, 13 years back in February. So thank you for having me really thrilled.

Steve: 1:47

Excellent. That's some great sobriety into your belt. I'm excited to hear more about it. Why don't we start off with what your, some of your favorite hobbies were things to do are in sobriety.

James: 1:56

Sure. Well, when it comes to hobbies, I don't really have many. At this point I started a new, I own a laboratory, a diagnostic laboratory, and we're in three states and right now I'm building the laboratory. So I, majority of my time is, is consumed with that trying to get that off the ground. But when you, when. Going to hobbies. Really, my hobbies are dinners with my fellowship, brothers and sisters after meetings do a lot of dinners and, and kind of hanging out with them. So, I mean, I do golf and do those regular things, but I just haven't had the time. So when I'm, when I'm working, I, you know, working and stressed, my biggest, my biggest outlet is are, are my, my people in the program. That's

Steve: 2:38

excellent. Yeah, they definitely are there

James: 2:40

for you when you then survive without. And congratulations on your sobriety, by the way. I didn't didn't congratulate you. Yeah.

Steve: 2:45

Thank you. And so why don't we get into thick of it with what it was like during your alcohol and

James: 2:50

addiction? Sure. I, I truly believe, you know, people talk about crossing the line in, in, in their disease. I, I firmly believe I came out of the womb alcoholic. I remember my mother when I would. Be sick. I probably was between five, maybe seven years old. She would give me whiskey and lemon to you know, combat my cold and my coughing. And I remember it just hit me. In, in a strange way. I, I, I loved it. I would almost fake coughs to get more of that whiskey and lemon. So it really, I didn't really, you know, categorize it as alcoholism at that point, of course, because I wasn't, you know, abusing it. But I remember it was my magic potion, you know, I, I was a nerd. I was. I was mocked, you know, bullied as, as a, a youngster. And I remember sophomore year in high school, I had a party at my parents' house and had everyone over and we got all drunk. And the next day I was in class, I was in physics class, I think. Or maybe it was chem. It was chem chemistry class, and everyone thought I was a. And I was instantly popular because of that. And then I was off to the races. I was drinking daily probably from 16 on. So I, I won. You know, mislead anyone. Alcohol was a wonderful elixir for me for many, many years. It was the answer to all my insecurities and my inferiority issues. My, I was able to push down my alcohol or my sexuality, which we can get to later. But it was my, it was my medicine. And then basically it just got to the point where through years I, I got sober at 40 and I just had enough. I had enough. I, I was so spiritually and emotionally and physically bankrupt that it, it just, I couldn't do it anymore. It was either. And it was either a conscious decision to liver tie and that's, and I chose to.

Steve: 4:48

That's awesome. And what like what has happened over the past? Like decade that to help keep you

James: 4:53

sober? It, well, it was, you know, I can't, my father died of this disease. I can't really take a lot of credit for it. I came in and I just turned myself over to the 12 step program to go anonymous. And I kind of, as, as my friend Teresa, Who, one of the greatest open talks ever. She said, I was like a baby and a baby basket at the, at the doors of alcoholics anonymous. Mm-hmm And so I have just, I, I, you know, it's, I liken it to if I had cancer and they said I needed to hit myself in the head with a frying pan at five 30 in the morning, every day to stay alive. I do it. So, so when it comes to alcohol anonymous, I do whatever they. Right. I have sponsorship. I sponsor guys. And so I, I fully embrace the program and you know, that that's, that's what keeps me going is, is, is, is almost, may sound wrong, but like a blind faith that whatever they're doing in those rooms keeps me alive.

Steve: 5:50

Yeah. And what, what are some of your favorite parts of being sober?

James: 5:55

I, I think accountability the ability to follow through on what I say when someone asks me to do something, no matter what it takes to do it, you know, it it's given me like my mother. She's 86. My FA, as I told you, my father died, he died about 25 years ago. So I mean to this day if I'm like three minutes late, she's wondering, where am I? You know, cuz her mind goes to that. Has he drink? Has he drinking again? Right. So, but I'm able to be there for her. I'm the son that I, you know, I I'm the husband. I mean, I was, I was incapable of having a healthy relationship and so, you know, I've been. Jeffrey, and I will be married five years in November and we've been together 11. There is no possible way that I could be a faithful and honest husband without sobriety, guaranteed. So it, it gives me the ability to be a husband, a brother, a son a, a, a honest business partner to my other partners. I'm in with two other guys in this laboratory. And so I'm able to be accountable today. That is something that I, I, if I would make a commitment back in my drinking days in my active addiction, after making the commitment, I would figure out how the hell am I gonna get out of. Right. Yeah. And now it's, cause I I'll be, I'll be perfectly candid with you, Steve. I, I was up at five 30 on the way to grand rapids. I've driven four hours, you know, round trip in a car, had meetings all day and I'm like, why did I agree to do this? Yeah. Right. But no matter what I was gonna do it. And I'm grateful because without the integrity and, and commitment level to the program and to sobriety. I mean, I'm so thrilled that we're doing this right now, because this is what if I, and I told my guys at lunch today, my partners, I said, if I don't give it away, I can't keep it. Right. So doing this is what keeps me sober. So I'm, I'm gonna be hell of a lot better off when this call ends than I was walking into it. Excellent.

Steve: 7:47

So we're all of we for being able to listen to you. Oh, go on. And, and so, well, why don't we go on and dive more into what it was like with your dealing with your sexuality and gender identity, and sure. That might have played

James: 7:59

a role in your a. It, it was, you know, I I'm, I'm subscribed to there. I did, when this happens, I will. And I'll give you example when. I get the house I've always wanted. I will stop drinking. When I come out and I'm accepted, I will stop drinking. When I get into a relationship, I will stop drinking and every time I would put that on such a pedestal as the, the Nirvana in my life, every time that happened. And it didn't happen the way I suspected it would happen, I would drink even more. Right. So I didn't fulfill what my dreams were. So when it came to sexuality, you know, I was, so I grew up in a really conservative town outside of. I don't think I never even heard the word gay when I was growing up. And if I did, it was, it was out of it was, it was horrific. It was bashing, you know, the, the F word and not fuck it's the other F word, the F a G, which is one of the most horrible words I think, and, you know in our community, but it was, I tried to suppress, I mean, I dated women. I dated, almost got married. I did, you know, sleep with women, but. Eventually they say your true self comes over, you know, comes through. And so I try to suppress it and try. Have the white picket fence and family and all that stuff, and it just didn't work. So the only way, the only way I could have courage to go out to the, I lived in Chicago for many years. And they have Boystown in Chicago, which is we, we called it Boystown, which is a great collection of, of Gay bars. And I would get, I would drink enough with my friends at straight bars, so I could hop in a cabin and have the courage to go down there. So alcohol was able to give me the ability to suppress those feelings which in turn became the opposite where I was so suicidal to the point where how come I can't find. You know, and so it was, it was, it was pretty, it was pretty devastating.

Steve: 9:54

Yeah. Well, you you've certainly come a long way now. I mean, right. How did things shift with your feeling comfortable in your sexuality? Like, as you were getting sober and working on the program,

James: 10:05

I gotta tell you, I owe a lot to Brandy Joe. Yeah. I would go, you know, because I say there's two types of meetings in AA. There's there's gay meetings and AA meetings because inevitably there's a gay person at a quote straight AA meeting. Yeah. And we would go to a 7:00 AM meeting every Saturday and he had just gotten sober. He was, I, I can't, I can't even attest to how long he'd been sober. And he was very open, very open with his sexuality at the table in a bunch of room, full of straight men and women. And I admired him and I had been sober for a long time. And at least, I mean, I was probably sober probably. Four or five years. And I see this guy come in and he's so open. And so unintimidated, and is just authentic that I said to myself, this is who I wanna be. Right. So, so he, the new, because I think, you know, there's no There's no bar bars, you know, like, like military bars, you know, when you get bars for, for how long you advance in the military, mm-hmm, they're in an AA. I can learn more from a newcomer than I can a guy, sometimes it's 30 or sober. Right? So here he, this guy comes in newly sober authentic talking about his issues with, you know, what, whatever in the gay community. And I'm like, that's who I wanna be like, you know? So I learned through him and others cuz I don't really go to Mon many GAA meeting. It's just, they just, I don't work around my schedule. Not that I'm against them. I think they're wonderful. But someone like that taught me to be authentic because that's another benefit of sobriety. I think you asked me some, some, you know, some things that I've learned it's authentic, authentic, I think is probably the strongest, most powerful word that I've gotten through sobriety or hurt or ability to be authentic.

Steve: 11:47

Yeah. I mean, it's certainly important. And what are some practices you, you use in your daily life to help keep you authentic and sober?

James: 11:55

Sure. I, I do. I talk, I sponsor two guys and I, every morning before I get outta bed, I, I send out daily reflections to my guys. We do our 10 steps at night. We, we talk about, you know, we review our day. So there's a ton of stuff I do on a day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't talk to, I talk to Brandy Joe sponsor today. We have a, he's a, he looks like I gotta tell you, he looks like grizzly Adams, big, long beard, real rough. And he's a plumber, you know, he's just a awesome dude. And straight and every Wednesday we have our date. Right. And so I talk to him on the way to work every morning at eight. So there's certain things that I do every Friday night. I go out with all my guys, we go to dinner after. So every day there's something I do. Well, if I don't go to meeting, I'm still talking to, to people in the program and I'm still, still working it every day.

Steve: 12:40

Yeah. I mean, that routine is huge as well as that connect. mm-hmm and

James: 12:45

because without that, I mean, I dunno if you've found it right in, in, in fellowship, but I used to go this alone. I used to call it AA. Mm-hmm where I'd go in. I'd go to a meeting. I'd go home and be like, okay, I'm good right now. I'm fully, I think I learn more outside the rooms than I do in. Right. I mean, I do learn how to, I mean, there's, I always walk away with, with a helpful like something I've never heard before. Like I heard my, I just put my dog down Jeffrey and I put my dog, our dog down last week and someone in the meeting said God is dog spelled backwards. Right. So I hear things a lot at meetings that I, even though I've been around, I've been around for over 20 years, but sober 13. So I've been in and out for a long time, but I hear something every. That helps me. So we'll break for that.

Steve: 13:29

Yeah. And if you could give one piece of advice to someone who is newly sober, what would it.

James: 13:34

that's the thing is, is connect connect, because you can't do it alone. You know, I, if, if you wanna go to, I mean, for me, I can't speak for anyone else, but for me to go to a meeting and leave and go sit at my house by myself, right. It doesn't work. You know, if I don't go to meetings and connect with other I'll, I'll give you an example. I was on a cruise with Jeffrey and I didn't go to a meeting for five. And I just had like a meltdown and he looks at me and he said, maybe you should go to one of your meetings. Right. And they're on the cruise ships. So I went and I felt tons better. So it stay connected. People talk about sponsorship, but get men, women get who they, whatever, get someone that you can connect with that when you're in a 9 1, 1 situation, you can pick up the phone and call that's the most. I. Yeah,

Steve: 14:17

I, I couldn't agree more. And what would you say is one of your favorite quotes or mantras or lyrics to kind of live

James: 14:24

by? My thing is, is, you know, people talk about higher power God, but whatever the, my mantra is, if you wanna make your higher power laugh, make plans, meaning everything that I plan out never, never comes to fruition. So just take it one day at a time and write it out because if I plan what I'm gonna do. Next week it's most likely not gonna happen. Right. So whatever it is just stay sober. And they say, if stay sober, even if your ASPH falls off, don't take a drink, don't take a drug. It doesn't matter. Whatever it takes just don't use.

Steve: 14:57

That's great advice. And if our listeners wanted to find more of you, do you have an Instagram, you feel comfortable sharing

James: 15:04

with everyone? Absolutely. Absolutely. It's at James B 0 2 23. My sobriety date 2 23 is my four digits after everything. So it's at James B 0 2 23.

Steve: 15:16

Excellent. Sounds good. Well, thank you for talking about your sobriety. It was a pleasure getting to know you better. Thank you. Awesome. And stick around because we'll head on over to the Patreon feed listeners. Thanks for tuning into another episode. You can follow us over on the Patreon page and join the family today to continue to hear more about James's experience in sobriety. You can do that by heading over to www.patreon.com/gaa podcast. And if you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show or just saying, hi, I'm an email away at GAA podcast, gmail.com and be sure to follow us wherever you're listening so you can get new episodes when they come out every Thursday until next time stay sober friends.