gAy A: The Super Soberhero Show

HALT ft. John

November 10, 2022 Steve Bennet-Martin Season 1 Episode 110
gAy A: The Super Soberhero Show
HALT ft. John
Show Notes Transcript

Steve welcomes John to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast

Follow John on Instagram @soberguynyc and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast

If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com

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Steve:

Hi everyone, and welcome to gAy A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-martin, I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for the friendships I developed over my sobriety. As of this recording, I am 4 58 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. Welcome to the show, John.

John:

Hi Steve. Thank you for having me.

Steve:

Thank you for being here. Why don't you start off by introducing yourself to our listen.

John:

Hi everyone. My name's John. I'm an alcoholic addict, and as of this podcast I'm 179 days sober.

Steve:

Congratulations on that. Thank you. And what are some of your hobbies or things you've discovered about yourself? The, you know, the last hundred

John:

something days? I would say for me, a big part of this whole sobriety thing was taking back the things that I lost. So, as opposed to new hobbies, it was stuff that I. Found joy in before I was getting fucked up, and then stuff that I can continue on and improve on after. So for me, definitely like I used to love to cook, but whenever I was cooking drunk, it was always a mess. The food wasn't great. So I've definitely gotten back into cooking. I've also always been pretty athletic, so my workouts have gotten better. I've started focusing on my physical. And then also I've always been a social bee, like a social butterfly. So exploring relationships with friends or people I'm dating, I just put, I'm all in now, whereas before I feel like I wasn't, Cause I was, you know, in the fog and the of alcohol.

Steve:

Yeah. And why don't we jump into it and tell us what that journey with the alcohol was like for you?

John:

Oh, okay. Jumped right in. So I went to law school and I would say that's where my drinking picked up the. Right after college, went straight into law school and I started drinking and partying, but everything was pretty much under control. Then my last year of law school, I actually decided to stop drinking. I never said I was sober or anything like that, but I didn't drink for over a whole year. I lost a ton of weight that year. I got super into the gym and things were going pretty well. And then I graduated and I started working in real estate firms. Right from the get go, my first job. And then that is where my drinking picked up heavily. Dealing with tough bosses, tough clients huge workload. And that's really when things started to get out of control with spiral, at least for me anyway. Then Covid hit and we were all sent to work remote, so it was kind of like a free for all, you know, you can pretty much drink whenever you. And because I do work in the real estate industry, I don't know if we know much, but the mortgage rates were so low at the time, so like business was booming. Everything was great. They held it on for a little bit longer. And then I would say about the fall of last year, once the interest rates started to rise, the firm started laying everyone. And I used to manage a whole team. Now it's just me my department. And I was watching all my coworkers one by one get laid off and I was super, super nervous about losing my job. Cause I live here in New York and it's pretty expensive. So that's when my drinking really picked up and got out of control. I would say at the height of it, I was probably like two or three bottles of wine a day every single day, which is a lot. And everyone around me noticed. So I was kind of just living my life, working, excelling at work, watching all of my coworkers get fired, but I wasn't, and I was pretty much just taking on all this work. So then I would say around Christmas time of just this past year, I started to realize it was a problem because I tried to stop and I only made it about 10 days before I started drinking. And that was my last run from Christmas until March 3rd of this year. I drank every single day heavily for that time. And then at the end I just remember I felt like I was gonna die like so many else of us do. I was like, This is gonna kill me. This is stronger than I am. I don't even think I can get to on to live like this in any kind of manageable. So I got sober. I didn't do inpatient or outpatient or anything. I did it all my own, which looking back on I think was a huge mistake. Cause I could have benefited from the help. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. you're shaking your head Yes.

Steve:

Well, I'm just agreeing, but yes, continue.

John:

Yeah. Yeah. I did it all my own. And I was California sober, you know, California sober for a little. only about two weeks and I started going to AA and I felt like, you know what, if I'm gonna do this, I really have to just stop everything. Cause I'm a PIs. So I have that like addictive personality and I just, you know, was crutching on weed using weed as a crutch in the beginning. And I felt like, okay, I need to stop at all. Mm-hmm. So I stopped everything and that's when my sobriety date is March 3rd. Cause I did stop a little bit before that. Yeah. Yeah. I did kind of just mess up for a second, but You were shaking your head yes, so, Yeah,

Steve:

no, I, I was just agreeing, like, I definitely relate to your experience with that because like my first month of sobriety, like I was still cally sober, like Yeah, yeah. But it was just because I was doing both like all day, every day, and I feel like if I just stop one at a time, like, I don't know how I would've done that. So I was spacing it out, like I stopped like one, one month and then like one the next.

John:

Okay. Did you like set it as like, you're like, Okay, this is gonna be my last day. Or did you get to that point where you were like, This is now a

Steve:

problem? Two. I had like went, like, I of course decided this, like right after buying a whole bunch of drugs, and so I was like, all right, like I have these drugs to last me 30 days and like when a, when I'm done, I'm out. I'm not buying anymore. Like I blocked him, deleted the number, whatever. Okay. And then, When like I just made sure like it, and it did last, like literally to the last day. Like it was like less and less near the end. Cuz like, as an addict, we're not very good at rationing ourselves.

John:

You're, I was gonna say it, but you tried to ration

Steve:

as best you could. Yeah, I, I, I, I did my best and I, I did succeed and like, and I again like, like you, like I decided to do it because, I realized I was like using it the way that I used alcohol. Like I know lots of people who smoke pot, but just like how lots of people can drink alcohol. Like regular people, like a lot of people can smoke pot, like regular quote unquote people. But I was like, Yeah, like not

John:

me at night or to go to a concert. I wasn't that kind of person. I was like a chronic weed head. Like I was like high all day every day. Yeah, that. So that's why I knew I had to stop that. Yeah,

Steve:

ex exactly. I, I switched out vaping, like nicotine for weed at one point and like that was it. I was just like all day, every day just vaping.

John:

I thought I was like doing a good thing when I did that. Like I was like, Oh, I'm not smoking cigarettes, or I'm not like smoking a jewel anymore. And it's like, I'm still fucking smoking pot. Yeah. It's like basically having like an IV of sativa in me at all times. But like, I think that's just was, I was in the haze at that time. Mm-hmm.

Steve:

Yes. And, and then in our sobriety we find a different haze in the, The pink cloud

John:

Yeah. Pink cloud things are so much better. Living clear.

Steve:

Yeah. And tell us more about like how things have changed for you since getting sober and what it's like.

John:

Well, it's weird because you know, you get sober and you kind of just think everything's gonna be okay in the beginning, and it's not like that. Like you get sober and then you still have to deal with your life and all the problems that you created, like when you were getting fucked up. So I feel like that was the biggest thing in the beginning is I was like, Holy shit. Like I'm sober, but like, I still need to be an adult. Like I still need to go to work every day. I still need to like live my life and pay my bills. But the thing is, is that they all become more manage. And I'm sure you would agree with that. Yeah. Like I feel like most people in recovery say that is, there's tough days, but things become more manageable and you can see clearer. Mm-hmm.

Steve:

Yeah. I, I definitely can relate. I, I remember like early on in my sobriety, like the first like one or two times, like things didn't go my way and I'm like, Oh, just cuz I'm sober doesn't mean that everything is perfect now. Like things will still happen. Life still gets lifey as they say, but yeah. Yeah. You're dealing with.

John:

Exactly. But it's a much better way to deal with life. Like, I hate to be that person that's like, Oh, I'm sober. And like, you know, life is beautiful, but life is beautiful and you actually can deal with your problems and they don't ruin your week.

Steve:

Yeah, for sure. And reflecting back, how do you feel your sexuality played a role in your addiction?

John:

I mean, I, I've talked to therapists about this, like other people a about this, but I feel like I started, I started drinking before I came. So I think that that played a role because I was numbing myself in a way. Didn't even know I was numbing myself, blocking things out that, you know, I didn't wanna face at the time, which is something that I feel like even heterosexual alcoholics deal with. You know, you're just blocking stuff out. But I think being part of our community, it's different because you've already dealt with so much. Even if you don't have an alcohol or drug problem, and then you wanna pile that on top of it, it just intensifies everyth.

Steve:

Yeah. And how, how has that changed for you since getting sober?

John:

I feel like my confidence is almost through the roof now. Like I borderline cocky almost. Cause I've always had that mindset where I'm just like, Oh, I've gone through all this shit in my life, You know, coming out, like being teased as a kid, all of that shit. And then, so you already had this mindset where you're like, I can do it on my own. And then when you get sober, you're just like, I'm unstoppable. Like there's nothing I can't do. So I feel like to be a confident gay man is just everything. And to be it sober, be one sober. I mean, for me's so special.

Steve:

Yeah, I agree. I mean, I, I have more confidence like in my sobriety and like in myself since getting sober and like e even like physically, like even though I've gained a little bit of weight since getting sober cuz I replaced sweets with alcohol for a bit there. Like, I'm still like feeling better than like I did when I was. You know, severely underweight or like gay fit at the time?

John:

Oh, yeah, yeah. Gay fit quotation march. Air quotes. Yeah, I, I will say when on March 3rd I was 115 pounds. Mm-hmm. like I was just drinking all day. Eating nothing. And I mean, that's no way to live. You can't digest anything, so you're absorbing no nutrients. So I totally relate to that. Like you may pack on a few pounds, but still like your confidence is gonna be much higher than it was when you're using a drug to numb yourself daily. Yeah,

Steve:

for sure. And what, what are some things you do in your daily life to help keep you sober?

John:

Okay, I always follow this one. Little tip that I heard, and it's super, super corny, but it helps me so much. And it's the acronym halt. I don't know if you've ever heard of that. Oh yeah. So you never wanna have, Yeah. You have, mm-hmm. Yeah. You never wanna get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. And whenever I feel any of those things, I'm like, Okay, take a step back and remember why you're doing this. And for me, like I said in the beginning, is my why is this is gonna kill me. So whenever I feel anything of or any four of. That's immediately what I retreat back to and I assess what's going on, if I'm angry, lonely, tired, or hungry. And then I just remember my why, like why I got sober. And I just feel like that helps me so much. In the beginning it was like, I was thinking of Hal like 20 times a day. Mm-hmm. and I feel like now, you know, it's probably two or three times a day and I'm sure as the years go on it'll get even less. But I just always revert back to Hall.

Steve:

And I, my eyes lit up when you said that cuz like I, I host a beginner's meeting once a week and we always start with advice and like, the advice, like I switched like the first bit of advice like every single week. But the second one is like always halt. Like, cuz for me, like I needed to keep it simple when I started, like I couldn't, you know, digest entire chapters of the book or stories or narratives. But like, you gimme like the sury prayer and I'm like, okay, I can, I can memorize like three lines and like you give me hots and I'm like, I. Like handle four words, but like keeping it simple definitely helped me at first in halt was a huge part of it still to this day.

John:

Yeah, because I mean, just going back to aa, it's like the 12 steps are so daunting. Mm-hmm. in the beginning when you know you're looking at all of them. You're like, I can't even memorize these. But like you said, it starts simple with the Serenity Prayer, something simple as haled. It really like keeps you grounded and keeps you going. Remember it helps you remember why you're doing what you're.

Steve:

Yeah. And if someone was sober, curious, what kind of advice would you give them?

John:

I would recommend the 30 days, you know, like a dry month type thing. I knew for me that was never gonna work because I had to go all the way to the beginning. But people who were sober curious might not necessarily have a problem with alcohol the way that I did. Mm-hmm. So I would say, try a dry month, see how you feel after. I felt like amazing. After 30 days, that's when I initially went public with everything. Mm-hmm. was 30 days. I waited 30 days. Some people, you know, on TikTok or whatever, day four, they're on there saying they're sober. I waited 30 days cause I was so filled with shame and I didn't want everyone to know. And then once I kind of got a little bit of clarity, I was like, Oh yeah, this is how I'm gonna live the rest of my life. And then I went public with it and I knew that it was gonna be

Steve:

for. I did the same on, I did 30 days for my coming out again, like as sober and then I love that. Yeah. And then I, 90 days is when I launched this podcast, cuz like I started it like early, early in my sobriety, but I was like, I don't wanna like release a podcast about being sober. Like if it doesn't like stick for the full nineties, but like by 90 I'm like, yeah, I got this. Like this is definitely something that I really love.

John:

Yeah. Did you go start going to AA right away?

Steve:

Yes. Like within the first week, not like the first day or two, but like those were a couple really rough days. And then like I started the 12 step program bit like right after that. And it's worked for me, like I've learned like over the course of recording, you know, a hundred something episodes like that. There are lots of people who get sober into so many different ways and like whatever way works for you, it's great, but like that's worked

John:

for. Yeah, there's, I definitely relate to the principle. There's not one way to recover. Yeah. How it's different for every person. For me, I didn't go into AA right away, but I found it very helpful about a month into sobriety and now I go every day. Yeah.

Steve:

Excellent. And speaking of programs, no matter how we get sober, we generally find a couple quotes or lyrics or something we love to live by. What's your favorite mantra?

John:

I'm sure you've heard this one too., I may have 10 problems on any given day, but if I pick up a drink or use, I'm gonna have 11. Yes and yes. That is my like go to. It's up there with HALT. Mm-hmm. I prefer back to that daily. There's any time, any time I'm ever triggered or anything like that, I just immediately go back to that because it's so true. Especially for anyone who is new in recovery. Like, you may think that that drink or drug is gonna help, but it's not. It's just gonna pile onto your list of problems that you already have. Mm-hmm.

Steve:

Yeah, I certainly agree. And do you have any less words of wisdom or advice for our

John:

listeners? Yes. I would say if you are newly sober or thinking about getting sober and it's working for you and then you know, you slip up or you relapse or something like that, just get back on the wagon. Mm-hmm. forget that it happened and just hop right back on. Cause there's so many people, there's so many people, especially in our community that will have your back. And it's such a better way to live. I mean, it really is. We've gone up grown, Oh, lemme stop for a. We've all grown up in such like this drinking culture where we drink all the time and just hop back on the wagon because it's such a better way to live your life. You'll live a healthier, fuller life.

Steve:

Yeah, I certainly agree. I just know that the life that I'm leading like today is just like so different than what it was even like a year ago, like when I was like early in sobriety cuz I'm a hundred, 458 days, like a little over like 15 months or so, and it's just, it. I'm amazed before. I'm halfway through her, I guess is however they say it.

John:

Yeah. I always look back, I'm like, Who was he? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I don't even recognize that person, which I feel like is so true for so many alcoholics. Cause you're really not. That's not who you are deep down. You don't even recognize that person once you get sober.

Steve:

Yeah. And how can our listeners find you if they wanted to follow you on the socials?

John:

I am at Sober Guy NYC on social

Steve:

media. Excellent. It's a nice, easy handle to remember. Yeah. So

John:

follow me guys,

Steve:

Yes. I'll be sure to link that over in the show notes, but thank you. And stick around for our post show, John. Well do all right. And thank you listeners for tuning into another episode of Gaya. You can join our Patreon family today and continue our conversation talking about John's experiences in sobriety by heading over to our patreonPage@www.patreon.com slash gay, a podcast. Meanwhile, if you wanna get in touch with me about coming on the show, sharing your experiences, or just saying hi, I'm an email away at GAA podcast gmail dot. and be sure to follow us wherever you're listening so you can get new episodes when they come out every Thursday. Until next time, stay sober friends.

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