gAy A: The Super Soberhero Show

Living Life to the Fullest ft. Frank

December 01, 2022 Steve Bennet-Martin Season 1 Episode 113
gAy A: The Super Soberhero Show
Living Life to the Fullest ft. Frank
Show Notes Transcript

Steve welcomes Frank to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast

Follow Frank on Instagram @manyourstyle and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast

If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com

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Steve:

Hi everyone, and welcome to GA a, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-martin, I am an alcoholic and I'm grateful for the opportunity to co-chair my home group. As of this recording, I am 518 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. Welcome.

Frank:

Hello. Thank you for having me. Yes, it's

Steve:

our pleasure. Why don't we start off with you introducing yourself. Tell us a little bit about you to the listen.

Frank:

Sure. So my name is Frank New. I am based here in New York City. I have a little over 11 years sober. It's not my first time at the rodeo. Relapse is a part of my story. But very grateful to be on the journey I am and to be here today.

Steve:

Excellent. And today, what would you say are some of your favorite hobbies or things to do in

Frank:

sob? So, favorite hobbies? So I will say when, when when I first got sober, my initial thought was that my life was over and I was never gonna have fun any ever again. Mm-hmm. And I was surely wrong. In over the years in, in sobriety and some of my favorite hobbies, I would say sewing is one of them. And I really enjoy cooking and I'm a big fan of sort of fashion history. And so sort of geeking out at any opportunity. I can get at either museums or flipping through some history books or things of that. Excellent.

Steve:

And why don't we jump right into with it and share a little bit about what it was like with your battle with alcohol or addiction.

Frank:

So I am originally from New Orleans born and raised, and I grew up in a very alcoholic environment from the get go being I can remember being a kid and being in bars and things of that for me growing up there was, there was no social media or things of that world. So I feel that Things that I sort of got away with have a lot to do with that. And the fact that those things didn't exist made things a lot easier. And so so yeah, so I grew up in New Orleans. Overall, you know, sort of a typical childhood, nothing really outta the blue, other than you know, I would say I always felt outside looking in, growing up and being told repeatedly that I'm different and sort of bullied and not really understanding what that was. I. Was not very close with my family growing up. But I was extremely close to a grandmother who was like a mom figure to me. And you know, it was in sobriety where I realized that she was a woman that accepted me for who I was long before I ever got to that point. And you know, the, I guess one of the, Sort of examples I give as far as sort of the relationship with my father and what that looked like my, one of the things that my grandmother and I would do when I would spend time with her was she would paint my nails and but she would always make sure to remove it before going home so that no one else saw it except for us and. There was one occasion where she forgot and my father saw it and completely freaked out on that and went this whole tyroid about how that's not acceptable and boys don't do that. That is for girls and, you know, and all this thing, you know, and I'll get back to that later. But you know, that was just something that really just stuck in my brain for a very long time into adulthood. And you. also with. Into that relationship. I was set up for failure from the get go because my, my father made it very clear that I was to carry on the family name. He was someone who has military background, so I was sort of expected to do that and do all these things. You know, meanwhile that was pure denial. Who I actually was. You know, and I had no interest in doing any of those things. So I really was set up for failure from the get and you know, so growing up like I mentioned, close with my grandmother into high school losing my grandmother, which was sort of the first painful experience that I'd gone through at that point in my life. Sort of burying. You know, and and high school is where I had my first drink actually before, right before high school. So around age 14, I had my first drink. In New Orleans they have drive shops. It's very, it was very easy to get alcohol. And and so drinking right off the bat, you know, it was an immediate relief for me of how to get out of my, out of my, Because I always wanted to be somewhere else. And you know, and back to back up just a little bit, I would say probably the, the first escape method for me was fantasy. And I was never, I was never comfortable with where I was in the moment. I always wanted to be somewhere else and never content with the where I was at you know, into drinking. Fast forward right into sex. And that being a huge part of my story in the beginning of how I acted out and escaped you know, and and so losing my grandmother, you know, that just fueled Everything because I just varied all of those emotions. And the relationship with my family continued to go further apart. And you know, I went from high school, finishing high school right into a geographic with a tourist that I met in the year of my senior in high school relocated to St. Louis to be in this relationship that I had no business being in. And. You know, running from everything that was lying, cheating, manipulating all the things in this relationship that lasted all of a year. Leaving that relationship, going back to New Orleans, everything was right back where, where I left it. And you know, by that point I had already started to be a blackout drinker. I'm a relatively, or then I was small frame person and I would drink 20 plus drinks in a night. And you know, that was, I drank the hardest alcohol because I needed to get out of my skin the fastest. So beer and things like that were. Acceptable. For me, it had to be the hardest liquor. And you know, in that year, back in New Orleans, it was just craziness. And I put myself in situations that were dangerous. I was sexually assaulted in that year, which then just propelled my sexual behaviors into a whole nother dark realm. And you know, and after a year of that through suggestion, Friends thought Chicago would be a great city. It seemed to match up with my career interest. So I applied for college, got accepted, and I packed everything I own and did my second geographic at age 21 to Chicago. And, you know the, the next several years of that were just, Continuing to drink, blackout drinking, not remembering how I got home, piecing the pieces together the next day. You know, into, you know, in even this point, I had never touched drugs at this point. But shortly after college I dipped into my first sort of use of drugs and I went right for the hard stuff, the hardest thing. Possible. And I used it in a manner that could have killed me the first time that I did it. And I had no idea. I was very naive and I just said, Sure, sign me up. And you know, again, tying back to the drinking, I am all in or nothing at all. So when I used drugs, I used the hardest thing and I was hooked instantly. And so, you know, from there the Everything just started to spiral faster at that point once the drugs come in, came into the picture. And you know, from there I went into an outpatient within probably six months after that in Chicago, back in 2009. You know, through. Experienced more than one overdoses through my drug use, using and mixing, drinking, all the, all the things. And and then yeah, just finally, you know, also getting to a point where my friends really wanted nothing more to do with me. And it was either you need to fucking do something or we're out of here. I went to, I went to my first meeting back in November of 2009. And and then shortly after that, I started an outpatient program in Chicago and I bounced sort of in and out the first month or so. And then I just had that moment of clarity and or, and moment of desperation where I was just completely broken. and I was willing to do anything in order to give this a shot. And so that's what I did. And you know, that first year was like holding on for deal life. I learned that just showing up in a meeting is a way of being, of service no matter how much time you have. You know, and I just started to get involved and be of service and do the things and start doing steps with the sponsor and spent probably another. A year or so in Chicago and I relocated from Chicago to Florida. And which was the first time of moving with a purpose. Like who knew who, who knew that could be a thing. And so I Yeah, so I moved down to Florida. I was in Palm Beach Gardens and it was not a place for me. You know, it was a learning experience. I moved for work, it was great. But you know, I started to undo the things that I did in. Work in Chicago, you know, and within a few months you know, I just, I wasn't finding that I connected with people there in the rooms, and so I just kind of stopped doing the thing and relapsed and drank on multiple occasions. I really hated it, but I had to keep doing it because I wanted to make sure that I hated it. So you know, and for me when drinking, and anything else comes into the picture everything goes out the window, you know? And so for me what that looks like, it's ending up in the bathhouse and, you know, being just worthless and all the things that you know, the self-esteem, all that goes into the toilet. And that relapse was very short lived. I came back within the same month and you know, through that relapse I. It was nowhere I used nowhere near the degree in which I did in my time out there before that sober journey and. This relapse took me to a place I had not yet gone and through a direct use of my drinking I tested HIV positive in that first year back in recovery. And I'm very grateful that it was in Florida and surrounded by people. The person that gave me that test was a person in the rooms and I was surrounded. People. And I, you know, I immediately learned from that experience that. How to go through something without relapsing and how to show another alcoholic that they too can get through, it's sober. I really never had an opportunity to sort of throw myself a pity party. I remember it was on a Saturday and I was scheduled to do my third step the next morning with my sponsor, and I was told I was not allowed to cancel. So I. Gave, I really had no time other than to you know, sort of figure it out. And that's what I did. And, you know, all of a sudden I had a whole new group of friends that showed me the way. And you know, the, the great thing about Florida is it allowed me to sort of get my footing back in the rooms. I did the work again a second time, going through the steps. You know, I don't think I was as honest as I could have been in that, that first time around. And I was even. Honest in that step three and step four. And you know, and through that I have been able to sort of establish, you know, the life that I have and I left Chicago or Florida And moved here to New York almost 10 years ago. It'll be 10 years next March. And and so moving here, I just, I knew exactly what not to do when you relocate sober. And so I didn't do any of those things that I did in Florida. I did the opposite of that. I showed up, you know, I already had. A bit of a footing here in the rooms, which was really helpful. And I just dived in the service. I think within my first month I was chairing a major retreat and you know, people were like, Where the fuck did this person come from? You know, because I knew I had that fear relapse in me and I was not giving this up again. And and so that's what I did, you know, in those first five years were really. You know, there was a lot of change. I moved around a couple times and you know, it was very slow and steady. And now having been in one place for almost 10 years I really have been able to unpack and, and sort of enjoy the gifts of sobriety. And so in the last five years, I've just been a whirlwind of things getting into my birth relationship. Sober and staying sober through that Getting engaged in sobriety, staying sober, getting married, staying sober, getting divorced, staying sober and going back to school for my masters, which I completed during the pandemic. Started my own business five years ago, you know, and I say all these things not to brag, but. These are things that I have gotten to have because I'm sober and because I keep my sobriety number one, and I have this huge life today, all because I'm sober. And and that is just something that I'm so incredibly grateful for. And and for all those experiences that I get to go through sober and you know, I understand more when I used to hear in early sobriety someone say that it's much harder to stay sober with time than it is in the beginning, and I have really can confirm for myself that is very much true because I, I find. Because I have this huge life, I really have to carve out time for my sobriety, which I'm willing to do. And you know, I stay on a gratitude list, which I've been on for about eight years, you know, and I, and not perfectly. But when I do those things and I start my day in gratitude I really see a difference in, in my day. And, you know, I truly have a life beyond my all the dreams, you know, And I'm working the steps again, I've been able to make amends, you know? Don't seek approval for attention today, which is you. To me. I'm a Leo. I used to be the center of the party. The world revolved around me. It's not the case anymore and the attention that I do draw, it's natural and it's organic. And you know, it's it really is amazing. Just the sort of the tools, you know, And I've been through a lot of experiences and I've stayed through them sober. And you know, I just continue to show up and do the work. And I would just say to you know, another big one for me is just like, Just showing up each day. You know, one of the first lessons I learned was expectations. And the key word in that is expect. And I always expected something when I did something. And, you know, and over the years of sobriety and doing the work I don't expect things when I show up, I just show up whether it's work, whether it's a date or whatever it is, I just show up. You know, and if. Comes out of whatever the thing is, it's a bonus. You know, and that's just really things like that are just epic. And you know, and in the beginning I had to go to meetings and today I get to go to meetings you know, things like that. And so being of service is, is a pleasure and it really allows me to stay here. The more that I sort of give it away allows me to keep what I have. in a nutshell that's kind of what it was like, what happened and what it's like now.

Steve:

Well, thank you for that. Yeah. There was so much that I could relate to, like, even though I grew up with my parents like in my life and like had an okay relationship with them, it was like nothing compared to what I had with my grandmother who I called Grammy. And I remember like it was the week that she passed was the same week that I found out that I was HIV positive and just like two big losses back to back like that. And I wasn't in the program at the time, but I can't imagine like, yeah, I'm going through it now is probably would be a little bit better cuz I was a mess back then. But I know you touched on kind of that, that feeling of like otherness, you know, with your sexuality. How, how would you say more like that played a role in your addiction?

Frank:

I mean, I would say that I mean I, growing up, growing up in New Orleans, I, there was no one that I could. Talk to about what I was going through. You know, I had to sort of grow up fast and figure out a lot of things on my own, you know, and sort of having that voice of my father who told me more than once that, you know same-sex sort of relationships or that's not. That's not okay. You know? So it, it really affected me, you know, And the thing with sort of just the nail polish is and, you know, sort of that was ingrained in my brain for so long, you know? And as an adult, I It, it took me a while to sort of figure that out, but I knew that I liked getting my, my nails painted, but when I would do it, I, it, it would always feel weird to me and I would remove it within like three days because I was so insecure about having that on, you know, And it wasn't until like the last probably, Couple years where I had sort of that epiphany and, you know, with that experience as a kid, and it's like, well, duh. Like this is why I feel that way because of what my father put into my brain you know, as a kid. And, and realizing that that doesn't have weight. Like, fuck that. Like if I wanna, if I wanna wear nail polish and then someone doesn't like it, that's not, that's not my problem. Mm-hmm. you know? And so Yeah, so it's, you know, it's before, before getting sober I lived a shell of sort of the life that I was really meant for and, you know, and I was just like a fish flopping around, like sort of figuring this out you know, sort of on my own. And, you know, and through sobriety I really have been able to get to know myself. Get to know and also like, just know myself better and and and just being more free and, and open. With who I am as a gay man. Yeah, I

Steve:

can definitely relate to that. I've discovered the, the joy of painting my nails in sobriety. So like, I had never done them previously cuz I was like, I can't do that. People will judge me, blah, blah. And like now I'm like, I like it. And I get more compliments than I get question marks and like, I work in senior living and it's just funny when you'll have like an, an 80 year old guy could like walk by me and be like, nice nails, Yeah. But most people don't mind. Now, what are some practices you use in your daily life to help keep you

Frank:

sober? daily practices. For me, I mean, the big one is definitely gratitude. Mm-hmm. I start my day in gratitude again, not always perfect. But I do find when I do that it really helps me get off on the right foot. I do read like a, there's a gay meditation book that I with a daily sort of reading that I like to follow as well. And then, yeah, just some like intentions, like, you know, to sort of set the day and get going.

Steve:

Yeah. And if you could give a piece of advice to someone who's sober, curious or freshly sober, what would it be?

Frank:

I would say, you know, everything that I have. None of it has happened overnight and has taken time and a lot of work. And you know, and I would just say that give yourself the chance to really figure out like if this sort of path is for you and, you know, and yeah, just really just give yourself that chance like you're, I know. You're worth it. And you know, and looking back on that now, I'm just very glad that I sort of gave myself that time. And so, yeah, I would just say if you're new or you know, coming back or any of that just give yourself the, the chance to see if this is really the path for you.

Steve:

Excellent. And no matter how people get sober, they always tend to find a mantra or quote that they fall in love with. Do you have one that you like to try and live by?

Frank:

For me it is living life to the absolute fullest. And anyone that knows me can attest to doubt because you know, the, that's, I learned not to take anything for granted. That in sobriety that is truly like I am someone that will, I will do 17 things in a day. Because that's sort of the gift that I've gotten through being sober is the ability to show up and just living life to the absolute fullest.

Steve:

Excellent. And we are nearing the end of this show. So do you have any way that our listeners could find you if they wanted to get in touch? Maybe an Instagram handle or an.

Frank:

Sure. You can find me on Instagram at Man Your Style. That's m a n y O u r s t Y L e and my email and everything is attached there. Perfect.

Steve:

Excellent. Well, I'll be sure to link over to it, but don't go anywhere cuz we still have our Pat show of listeners. Feel free to head on over to the Petri page and join the family today to continue our talk with Frank about his experiences in sob. Meanwhile, if you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please email me@gayapodcastgmail.com. I love hearing from my listeners and be sure to follow us wherever you're listening so you can get these new episodes when they come out every Thursday. Until next time, stay sober friends.

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