Sobriety Isn't Misery ft. Craig

Steve welcomes Craig to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

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Find Craig on Instagram @craigjames1289 and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast

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Until next time, stay sober friends!

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Transcript

Steve: 0:55

Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett. Martin, I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for being able to show up for loved ones. Now, as of this recording, I am 607 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. Welcome Craig.

Craig: 1:16

Hey, my name is Craig. I'm a gay man. I'm a husband, a son, a brother. I'm a caring friend and I'm an alcoholic addict, or someone who identifies as someone being in recovery. Today I have been in recovery for 333 days. Congratulations. So

Steve: 1:37

you, thank you so much. You're getting up to your year.

Craig: 1:40

Yeah. Yeah. I'm a

Steve: 1:41

month out, month out. I was gonna say, which means maybe I'll have to rearrange our episode. So this comes out right around your anniversary,

Craig: 1:48

That'd be wonderful. But yeah my sobriety date is February 26th. Oh,

Steve: 1:53

excellent. Well, congratulations and thank you. What, tell us a little bit more about like what you like to do to keep fun or the hobbies you might have found in sob.

Craig: 2:02

Oh, there's so many. So the, the first and major thing is yoga and meditation. Mm-hmm. Yoga for me is just cathartic. It keeps me physically active. I do it almost daily, six times a week. Mm-hmm. Other than that, hiking, I love getting out into nature just kind of being one with the world. Mm-hmm. and you know, observing alone. You know, going to a coffee shop and just watching the people. I remember being an alcoholic and an addict. I, I was so inward, I, I didn't see anything. I didn't see anything around me, and now I see so much. And then weirdly working, I actually really love my job. I really love doing what I do. I'm, I actually just finished working probably about five minutes ago, so I'm, I, I love doing what I do. That

Steve: 2:50

is excellent. And so now that we know you a little bit better, why don't you jump right in and tell us what it was like with you, with your journey with alcohol and addiction?

Craig: 2:59

S something I've learned is that our stories are not unique. Mm-hmm. But people are mm-hmm. But my story is very classic. I started drinking when I was young. I was. 13, I think when I got drunk for the first time. And it was amazing to me. And I don't think it was amazing because of the actual feeling. It was amazing because I felt like I was involved in a community of people when doing it. I was at my stepsister's graduation party and it was just like, oh, I can hang out with people and I can do this, and I can feel like I'm a part of something. And I'll talk more about that later. You know, from there it escalated over time it went from drinking to smoking cigarettes and drinking to all of the above plus weed. And then when I was in college, I got into Coke, and then when that wasn't enough, I got into meth and it just, I, I got out a few times, but I never dropped the drinking. And I always ended up coming back to partying and playing is, is really, you know, a hot topic in the gay culture and I was definitely a part of it and it ultimately led to several rock bottoms. But finally back in February of last year, I decided to go to rehab.

Steve: 4:22

Excellent. And what was that experience in rehab?

Craig: 4:25

It was amazing life changing. I, I tell everyone, it was probably the, the single most defining moment in my life. I, I don't know what happened, but something changed inside of me and I feel like I finally understood what was happening inside my own body. I, I, I went to a wonderful treatment center in Tampa, Florida called River Oaks, and it was, I was there for 45. And it, the first three days were awful. I slept the majority of the time. Mm-hmm. And I remember people would come and check on me and I just didn't want to get involved with anyone. I just was like, you know what? I'm gonna sleep through these 30 days. I'm, I'm just gonna, you know, get out and I'll be fine. And I quickly learned. I needed to take advantage of that opportunity. I don't, I had one good shot at this and this was it. And I got out of my room after day three and I met the most amazing and wonderful and life changing people I've ever met in my entire life. And I've probably been surrounded by them my entire life, but I never actually. Paid attention to them, and here I, I had to, I had no choice but to be around these people all day every day. It was a big treatment center though. There was about 120 of us. It was a mix of men and women and it was more of an outdoor campus, so I was outside the majority of the day, which was awesome. Florida sunshine is wonderful. I'm in the north I am in Buffalo, New York, so it's cold nine months of the year. Yeah. So I knew that some Florida sunshine would be,

Steve: 6:05

That's excellent. Yeah, it's, it's, my ears perked up when you said Tampa, cuz I live in Sarasota, like about an hour, like 45 minutes to an hour south of it. So I was like, I didn't even know there was one up there. So it's good to know it's

Craig: 6:14

close. Yeah, there's a ton of rehab centers in Tampa, Florida alone. Mm-hmm. But River Oaks was by far just the best one I could find. And it had L G B T programming, which was really important to me when I was finding like where I wanted to go. Yeah.

Steve: 6:31

For I can totally understand that. And what was life like after getting out of rehab or treatment

Craig: 6:37

then? It was unreal. I, I, When people say they were born again after getting sober, I, I didn't believe them. I, I just, it didn't make sense to me. I'm like, eh, like, that's, that's not actually what happens, but it really is like all of a sudden you just have this beautiful, clear view of everything around you and the things you want and the hope and the like. It, it's all there. It's all there. And, I just couldn't get enough of it before I didn't sleep because I was scared to fall asleep now and, you know, drugs. But now it's I, I just, there's so much to do and take advantage of and I absolutely love it. Yeah.

Steve: 7:26

I you can he sense and like, feel your excitement coming off of you about, you know, recovery, but with, with all those positives, what would you say are some of your favorite parts of being sober?

Craig: 7:38

Favorite parts joy and laughter. It's, and it's real. It, it's not this like fake, you know, Hey, I'm smiling because I'm supposed to be smiling. In this scenario, it's this, this guttural laughter and enjoyment of everything around you. And, Other than that, just connecting with people, like having genuine connections with people you wouldn't normally people you wouldn't normally want to or think you wanted to connect with. It's just this genuine exchange of human emotion and finally being able to remember things. Yeah. That's actually really nice. I, I have many times been able to win arguments with my husband these days because I'm able to say, no. I remember exactly what you said. Yeah. And it's, it, it always catches him off guard.

Steve: 8:34

Yeah. And y you mentioned your husband a couple times now. What came first, recovery or

Craig: 8:38

marriage? Marriage came first. Marriage came first. So that was, that's probably been the toughest part of my recovery journey is so many you hear over and over, don't get in a relationship for a year. Don't get in a relationship for a year. And I'm like, I don't have that choice. So like, I'm, I'm married. Mm-hmm. like, it, it's not like I can just put everything on pause. but in, in a way, me and my husband have come together to come to almost like a mutual understanding. So one of the hardest parts that I have to deal with is me and my husband don't live together full-time right now. Mm-hmm. And we haven't since before I went to rehab actually as our. You know, our marriage was basically falling apart and, and towards the end, and I had moved out and we were, you know, steadily on course for divorce. And then I went to rehab and I got out and it wasn't this welcome arms, like, I'm so happy. Like it was, it was like, all right, like now the real work comes and it's, it's been hard, but it's also been wonderful. I don't know how. How to explain it. It's so nice to actually be able to communicate in a way that is real and isn't fake or trying to get something out of someone else. We're we're both able to say like, this is what I want and need and, you know, whether or not the other person agrees with it is okay, because, you know, we're different people and we're not always going to agree on the same. I,

Steve: 10:10

I can certainly relate and I know what you mean because there was a lot of healing needed to be done in my marriage when I got sober as well. Cause we were quickly falling apart mostly cuz he was tired of my shit and cleaning up after me and caring for me. And so, you know, with, with how bad it got near the end like, I had like, like you, like I was just like, I fell in love with sobriety, like fully, like I was like, this is it. This is the answer. And I was like, I'm never going back and like straight on a, and you know, he was supportive like entirely of it. But at the same time, I think like he spent a good portion of those, especially for six months, like waiting for the other shoe to drop. like waiting for me to slip Yep. Or waiting for me to not have it, like work out. And then on top of that, like the act of like making amends or making up for all the shitty, crappy things that I did to him wasn't like fun. But it also, like, after it was done, like felt so rewarding. So, yeah. Yeah.

Craig: 11:04

It really, it has been. Mm-hmm. How long have you been married?

Steve: 11:06

Six years. No longer than that. Yeah, like six or seven years.

Craig: 11:11

Okay. That's what'll be for, for us in May. Oh,

Steve: 11:15

okay. Excellent. Yeah, I know we've been together now a little over 10 years, so yeah, probably seven years. I'm gonna re, I'm gonna choose my new answer. Seven years. Hope you're not listening. Hubby, No, he's been very clear. He's like, this is your podcast. We have one together on movies. So he's like, we could talk about that one. And then this one is for me. That's awesome. Excellent. And how do you feel your sexuality played a role in your a.

Craig: 11:41

Oh. I've had trouble with identity since I was very young. Mm-hmm. I, I knew from. a young age that I was gay. But you know, growing up in a classic small bubbled town, you kind of deny that for a very long time. Mm-hmm. Or until absolutely necessary where it's like I'm obviously gay. There's no getting around this. But for a while I, I did whatever I could to fit in, so I became this chameleon and that kind of carried through me till very recently I moved to New York City when I was 18 because I felt like that was the place where I was gonna be able to be myself, and it was all gonna make sense and it did. But I, I wore this mask of overconfidence when I got there, so, A lot of people used to say like, Craig, people think you're intimidating. And I'm like, why? They're like, because you're, you're so comfortable with who you are. I'm like, it's because I haven't been for years. Mm-hmm. And but that ended up. Coming back to bite me. Mm-hmm. Because I became so overconfident and I felt like I was so suave and dove air and, you know, that leads to being invited places. And all of a sudden I was out partying and drinking all night long. Promoter life is very big in New York City, especially for college kids, and I quickly fell in with that crowd. So I, from the time I was 19 till the time I was 22, I think the most I ever slept in a night was like three hours. And I was falling in to this habit of getting involved with people over substances. Prior to college, I was with a longtime boyfriend. I kind of followed him to New York City. He went to NYU a year before I did. So I, I naturally wanted to be there. He was a dancer, I was an academic. It was this perfect match made in love heaven. And I always thought like, this is it. Like I have met my. my high school crush is gonna be my man for the rest of my life. And that quickly came to an end because I all of a sudden was discovering new things about myself. When I was in this pool of a bunch of unique different people I went from being this really awesome, caring lover to being. Hateful towards myself, but it was outward, right? So I hated him for him not appreciating who I was and me having my own journey. And I look back on it now, and it was in fact me just not being accepting of who I was and what was going on. From there I started to be in a period of serious relationships, like six months here, nine months there. Because I, I just wanted to be loved. I, I wanted someone to love me and I didn't love me, so how could that have possibly happened? And I would spiral after every single relationship and I would dive into drugs and alcohol. And finally, I just. I, I had burnt out and you know, I finished college and I said I need to leave, and I came back home to Buffalo. You know, I got quickly involved in the party and play scene here in Buffalo. Ironically, I didn't do it in New York. I, I look back on it and I was like, oh, like partying and playing. That makes so much sense. That was happening all around me, but I had no idea what it was. Yeah. And it. It wasn't a big scene here it is now. Unfortunately, but it, it slowly but surely just sucked me. And I identified so much with it because I felt like I was connecting with people again. You know, I, I would spend days, you know, high and drunk with them and it felt like, oh, we have this beautiful connection. When in reality it was just focused on like, where are we getting drugs and alcohol from next? And I. I, I look back on it and I was like, what was I thinking? Mm-hmm. And, you know, I, I've had several STDs didn't care. Mm-hmm. I ha I've wound up in the hospital several times, didn't care. I sold my body, didn't care. And I look back on it and I still don't really care because it led me to where I am now. Mm-hmm. I've come to terms with the fact that I can't change it but I, I was a broken person who didn't have an identity or didn't understand his gayness until recently.

Steve: 16:18

Yeah. And what's it been like kind of understanding that and discovering that now in sobriety?

Craig: 16:22

I feel like I know who I am now. You know, I'm still learning things every single day. It, it's, you know, for me, I still consider myself very early in recovery. Mm-hmm. I have spent a lot of time getting to know me and actually living apart from my husband has helped me do that. I was an extremely codependent person, and now I'm almost the complete polar opposite, which. Another side of the coin that my husband's like, okay, you're, you're like, going too far. Mm-hmm. like, let's, let's bring it back a little bit. I need my husband back. And I'm like, okay. I, I finally like who I am. Mm-hmm. It, it's weird. I, I like the fact that I'm unique and different that I. Have this sorted past that led me to this place of, you know, strength that a lot of people don't understand. I mean, there's a ton of us, don't get me wrong, but there's also a ton of people that don't understand like what it means to, to say no, to remove yourself from situations to, you know, say no to going to the party, because like, it's just not the right day to do it. Mm-hmm. it's given me a lot of clarity on how I feel about sex, intimacy, and love. I, I used to be the least committal person in the world. I would say I was committed and then I'd be cheating on you. Mm-hmm. Or I would say that I was in this emotionally and I'd be completely detached when I wouldn't. Cowering in the corner, stifled by anxiety, I'd be return to alcohol, drugs, or sex to feel better about it. And now my thoughts about sex and intimacy still change daily. I've, I've remained committed to not making any harmful decisions. Mm-hmm. U until it kind of sorts out and shakes out into less of an ebb and flow for me. One, one weird curious thing is that since. Been in recovery. My senses are extremely heightened. Mm-hmm. Like, almost like superpowers. Yeah. Like, I dunno how to describe it. I can hear things like miles away. It's, but one of the awful things is my sense of touch. Mm-hmm. Like I, I used to be a very person I. Public displays of affection was like my love language. And now it's rare that I want to embrace with anyone, let alone my husband. And it's, it's not trauma-based. Trust me, I've worked through that with my therapist. No trauma there. But. My, my skin literally just can't handle the sensation of me not knowing like the pressure or what's going on, but, and also like temperature, my, my body overheats very fast, so I'm just like, I need space like And that's been interesting because my husband has gone from, being used to me needing affection to now I, like, I can, I can go without it. And that's been the toughest thing, working on a romantic relationship. Mm-hmm. in the least to say

Steve: 19:23

no, I can certainly understand, relate to that. Not with the su, not with the superpower thing. That sounds really cool. But like I, I do know that for, for, for mine, I've noticed more with like smelling. And like, especially when it comes to like drugs, like in the, in the air. Like I could tell you if someone five blocks down the road is smoking a joint, but not, I don't have the hearing as much. Yeah. But I think it's, cuz I've always had selective hearing to begin with.

Craig: 19:48

it, it, my, my husband would agree with you is that I have selective hearing. Like I, I could probably hear him saying something now in his office. He's probably like rolling his eyes and I could hear it. Yeah. But, When I, I could be sitting right next to him and he could be like, Craig. Craig. Craig. And I'm like Wyatt. And he's like, I've been calling your name for six minutes now. And I'm like, it has not been six minutes, but Okay.

Steve: 20:12

Yeah, Excellent. And what are some things that you do in your daily life to help keep you

Craig: 20:17

sober? I, I, I do a lot of things, but I, I think the, the main point I want to get across is routine. Mm-hmm. I, I wake up every day at the same time. I'm up at 6:00 AM on the dot every single day. And even when I don't wanna wake up at 6:00 AM my body wakes me up at that time now. So I, I'm always awake at 6:00 AM I practice yoga and meditation daily. I make my bed every morning. I shower every morning. I try to get out of the house at least once a day. I work remotely. So that is kind of tough sometimes when you're working a long day and then you have to force yourself to out for a walk or to go to the coffee shop or something like. And then I always will connect with at least one person in recovery, whether it's just to check on them or they're checking on me. I try to pick up the phone and talk to someone every single day. Yeah,

Steve: 21:07

connection's hugely helpful in my experience. And what's one piece of advice you would give to someone who's freshly sober or sober curious.

Craig: 21:15

For me, what I've learned is that one size does not fit all in recovery. And I, I think most people can agree with that. You know, 12 step programs work for some people, they don't work for others. For me it's. Been this giant conglomerate of different recovery programs, different sober active communities. I, I've done aa, NA Recovery, Dharma, and a host of other recovery resources. I personally have trouble with the word God, so I, it's been very tough for me to consistently subscribe to a 12 step program. My, the L G B T meetings that I've been to, that I go to regularly here in Buffalo and the other cities that I travel to have always been like my saving grace, because I notice that that's a common theme. Mm-hmm. Amongst us but. Others may disagree. I don't. It's always been a tough thing. An organization that I have found a lot of benefit from is called the Phoenix. I don't know if you're familiar. It's a sober, active community, so it's. It's a free resource to anyone who identifies or supports someone in recovery, and it allows you to take free virtual or in-person active classes. And their only requirement is 48 hours of continuous sobriety. Like how easy is that, right? Like you two days into being sober, you can get your butt out of bed in the morning at seven. and take a yoga class for free. And it's with a ton of people who identify as in recovery. I have met some amazing people through that organization and it, it has been my saving grace because it got me active and it got me with a community of people that, you know, we weren't talking about just being sober. We were doing something together and that felt.

Steve: 23:12

Yeah, I can imagine. I, I started up like locally sober socials every couple months for the Yeah, the, the L G B T community because I was like, what else is there to do in town? But go to gay barss. Then there was not much. So like every other month we could choose somewhere different. We just picked, we're gonna do we're gonna be creating clay pots for Valentine's Day, so that should be fun next month.

Craig: 23:32

That's so sweet. That's so awesome. Yeah.

Steve: 23:37

Thank you. And oh, no matter, like you mentioned, there's so many different ways to recover, but no matter what one you have, you generally find like one or two quotes or mantras you like to live by. Do you have any

Craig: 23:47

favorites? Favorite quote to live by would be the opposite of addiction is connection. Mm-hmm.

Steve: 23:54

That is a good one. That's, that was mine for the longest time too. Yes. I mean, it probably still is, but like that's my favorite.

Craig: 24:02

excellent. It resonated with me. I, I heard it for the first time in rehab and I was like, huh. I'm like, I don't agree. And then I realized, I'm like, no. Like I've been connected to nothing for years. Not, not even like my closest friends I, I've been disconnected from. And the second I stepped into recovery, it's like those connections miraculously started repairing.

Steve: 24:29

Yeah, it, it's been amazing. Like similarly like for me, like learning how to make like real genuine connections. Cuz like before I got sober between like the kind of work that I was doing in sales and everything, I was always surrounded by people. So I was like, yeah, I'm perfectly connected. Like you need like a referral for a home health company. I can text one and then a second. But like they were all people that like wanted me, like for business or because I was the fun guy at the networking events that was always half in the tank cuz he showed up already drunk. So, you know, none of them would like show up to my funeral figure. I hit by a bus tomorrow. And so like, it's been interesting like learning what it's like to, to build real, genuine connections in recovery. Excellent. And thank you so much. All right, Craig. Well, any last words of wisdom or advice for our listeners?

Craig: 25:13

I would just say that sobriety doesn't have to be misery. Mm-hmm. I equated the two for so long and it's just so not true. I was poorly informed. Mm-hmm. and I, I think the world is too, that it doesn't, it is not misery.

Steve: 25:27

Yes. It's, it certainly is not. Excellent. Well, thank you so much for your, your sharing your story with us. It was a pleasure getting to know you better and just see how excited you are about the program.

Craig: 25:40

I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Steve: 25:43

Excellent. And stick around cuz we'll have our post show pat listeners. Oh. And how can we find you? If someone wanted to follow you on like Instagram or something to reach out and say happy one year.

Craig: 25:55

That would be amazing. You can find me on Instagram at Craig James 1 2 80.

Steve: 26:01

Perfect. Excellent. Well, thank you so much and thanks listeners for tuning into another episode of Gay a head on over to the Patreon feeds so you can check out more of Craig's experiences in sobriety and recovery. And if you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, I'm an email away@gapodcastgmail.com or on Instagram Gay podcast. And be sure to follow us wherever you're listening right now so you can get these new episodes when they come out every. Until next time, stay sober friends.