More Will Be Revealed ft. Jase

Steve welcomes Jase to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

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Transcript

Steve: 0:56

Hi everyone and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett. Martin, I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for my sober twin, Kristin. As of this recording, I am 613 days sober, and today we're welcome you a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. Welcome.

Jase: 1:17

Hi everyone. Hello.

Steve: 1:20

It is great having you on. Why don't you introduce yourself to our listeners.

Jase: 1:24

Thanks for having me. My name is Jace. I am an addict, an alcoholic. Today I have 363 days after returning post relapse last year. I live in la I got sober in New York. Specifically I wouldn't be sober without the, the L G T Q Center there in New York, for sure.

Steve: 1:46

Excellent. And what, congrats on almost one year and thank you. And what are some of your favorite hobbies or things you've found that you enjoy in sobriety?

Jase: 1:58

I think the main one is cooking, like I've always cooked, but I really fell in love with it. I was working at a rehab here in LA and we had a gap in our food service and I just kind of picked it up and really fell in love with it. And it's a really easy way. I mean, cooking is another art form for me. It's a way for me to like get creative, but it also is like, A really simple way for me to be of service to other people, whether it's cooking for my friends or baking something and taking it somewhere. I am so Midwest in this way. I'm originally from Kansas that I don't typically show up anywhere empty handed. There's always gotta be something. So yeah, I think that's the main hobby. It's hard for me. I live alone, so I don't really. cook big meals for myself. But when there's other people involved, including like huge groups of people, I love it. I love cooking for the holidays and that sort of thing. Other hobbies. I go to the movies a lot. I try to see theater and comedy when I can. I'm starting to get back into my acting career, so it's really important for me to, to see other people. Mm. Being creative and and and acting and doing comedy, and I just love art in general. That's awesome. Performance. Yeah.

Steve: 3:23

Excellent. And then why don't we dive into it and tell us what your journey with alcohol and addiction was like?

Jase: 3:28

It started very well, not that young. I didn't have my first drink until like, well into high school, and I didn't drink that much in high school and I was very anti drugs. I was very just say, no kid. I grew up in that era, but it really, I, and you know, alcohol was a problem. Yes. Crystal meth was my main drug of choice, and that really came into play. The harder drugs really came into play. After I came out and started going out to places, I moved away from my hometown, moved to Kansas City and made my first gay friends and started going to my first gay clubs. And and there was a moment I remember where it was just like, oh, I guess since I'm gay now, or always have been or whatever. This is what gay people do. We party, we get fucked up. We. Do risky things, you know, like this is just part of the culture. I didn't know anything else about being gay other than like, we party and we fuck, you know, like, yeah. So I don't know. I had such a resolve when I was younger and before I came out not to use drugs, and I don't know where it disappeared. It was probably somewhere along the way of. meeting, cool gay people wanting to be part of the cool crowd. Mm-hmm. you know, and that's what they were doing. Yeah. So I used off and on, I, I drank alcohol. I worked in two different bars when I was in my twenties was going out five to six times a week. I kind of clean myself. A little bit in my twenties and then I moved across country and found meth again. And it got intertangled with sex for the first time. And then it was just like off to the races. There was no turning back. It was, you know, I think using and. and drinking has always been about connection for me. And so that was, it seemed to be like the ultimate connection, the ultimate intimacy, the, you know, and the thing that meth did for me and similar regard to what alcohol did for me was it made me feel normal. I. not just dual diagnosis. I have many diagnosis like d h, D, depression, anxiety. I recently was diagnosed with complex P T S D. I think most of us have some of that going on, especially queer And what. drugs and alcohol did for me was, made me feel normal and like I could communicate in a normal way and that people could saw me and then found, I found me interesting and and those sort of things.

Steve: 6:17

Yeah. And I mean, I, I can certainly relate to wanting to, to feel normal and having that, like, that, that sense of calm that would come over me after, like, that, that, but like when did it become a problem or an issue?

Jase: 6:29

Well, I think it was, I mean, I think it was an issue from the jump, but I think it really got bad, bad after my grandfather died. And I was probably, I don't remember how I was probably around 35, 36. I'm 42 now, or no, I'm not 42 yet. almost So, yeah, probably that's when it got bad, but it was still affecting my life. I had a therapist once that said, cuz I had talked about this for a while, like that maybe it was a problem. I had looked up rehabs in my mid twenties because I was drinking so much and I, you know, I was able to stop on my own in my twenties and really reel it in. But then it always came back. Oh, I lost my train of thought. And

Steve: 7:17

then, and then, you know, it got bad, bad, you were saying? Yeah,

Jase: 7:20

so I mean, I think it was always bad, but it got bad, bad After my grandfather died, I kind of just like threw everything to the wind and I remember consciously saying like, oh, I'm just gonna get fucked up now. I'm just really gonna go for it. And I was living in New York and. I, at that time was already part of the nightlife scene in New York. I do drag. I've done drag for about 10 years now as Lady Barica Andrews. Luckily I'd created this character that was kind of a hot mess herself, so when I was getting fucked up, nobody could tell. It was just like part of the gig, you know? I could keep it hidden very well, but yeah, it got really bad. after my grandpa died, and I remember consciously saying, this is, yeah, let's just do it. Mm-hmm. And what that looked like was. you know, common story. It's, when it comes to meth, there's a common story of like, oh, it started off occasionally and then it became every couple months, and then it was like once a month. And then it was like every weekend, or you know, I'd have two days in between use or something. But those two days aren't actually two days. There's no sleep involved. There's like I remember looking at my schedule at work and being like, well, if I go out now, I could be on my game at work the next day, the next day. I'm gonna need off though because I know what that's like. Just became very chaotic. And, and this is when I first started having my first panic attacks was when I was using, I was working in the restaurant industry too, which is, we all know is very high stress. Having panic attacks at work. It was affecting my behavior. Yeah. And then I got fired. So that's, you know, it affected me in that way too. I lost jobs. I lost a car, you know, like a car. Got repossessed. Never lost my housing. I was, I was lucky. I, I've always, I've been lucky enough not to become houseless because of my drug use, but it was chaotic for sure.

Steve: 9:21

Yeah. And what happened that kind of made you. Choose sobriety or start that path as more seriously?

Jase: 9:29

So around this time I was, I was working a lot in nightlife and we had me, I had a Nightlife partners. We had a group called the nobody's. It's still, we're still around, but one of us is retired and then the other two of us are on different coasts now. But so we did a lot of shows. We had started this YouTube series that kind of blew up called Nobody's Watching Wrestling. And so we were so I was watching a lot of pro wrestling and commenting on it, and we became like one of the first like, queer content creators that were talking about pro wrestling. Mm-hmm. And it became kind of like another full-time job. And so we'd have to watch a lot of wrestling. And I remember one weekend I was out on a bender. My parents' house had just burnt down. Everybody was okay. Kind of threw me for a loop. My best friend had come to town the week before and it was the first time. in a while where all I wanted to do was go use, and it was so distracting that we had gotten into it a little bit. My roommates were out of town after my best friend went back home and I just said, okay, let's like really do it this weekend. There's no consequences. But there were, I went out and used, I've almost overdosed from g. Came home, had all this homework to do for our YouTube series, all these like wrestling matches I was supposed to watch, which seems like an easy thing to do, but it's, it's not like it wasn't, it was very distracting. And I had these other two people and a huge audience online that was counting on me in a way. and I remember I was getting ready and I was watching the matches over here and like trying to take notes and do my makeup and just sobbing and like hadn't slept. And I finally got myself in the cab. I was already late, which I was late a lot when I was in my active use. It's something that I've actually pride myself on now that I'm, I'm very rarely a late person. And when I say I'm gonna be somewhere, I'm gonna be there now. But anyway, so I'm in the cab going over to the shoot. I'm like in between sobs and I walk in the door and these are my best friends too. Like they're people I spent a lot of time with. They're really like, I've had queer friends since I came out in my early twenties, but, When I moved to New York, I found like a group of queer people to like really be with and develop family with, and these were them. And I walk in and it's the director and our camera guy and my co-hosts. And I remember separating myself from them. And the couch was in between us and I was on the other side of the room and I just, oh God, I'm gonna get emotional. And I just look at him and it's like, Guys, I can't do this. This is what's happening. You know, like, I've gotta get help. And I'm like, with all this guilt and shame and a little bit of relief. They were so good. They were so good and just said, what do you need? We don't need to shoot this episode. Fuck it. Like, I was like, no, I need to do this because I need to take a break and this is gonna have to be on my last one for a while, and we're here then and I need to just do it. And so, One of my friends who is, was also in school to become a therapist. At the time he was, we were shooting and I, I was like, I need you to find me. places to go. I don't know what to do. And so a few days later, he had emailed me a list of things. The center was on that list. I think I maybe called one of the other places, but the center got back to me really quickly. And I was doing intake within like a week probably. I had a couple more last uses. And obviously I've relapsed twice since I went into recovery, but, That was really it. The relapses I've had were very short. Mm-hmm. and luckily pretty uneventful. But yeah, that's what, that's what went down. I, there were, I think, I think what built up was the pressure of losing a job, the pressure of like being something to a lot of people. The pressure of just going, going, going it just, it just built up and it was too

Steve: 14:08

much. Yeah. Would you say that, that that's what led up to those relapses possibly.

Jase: 14:15

Well, one of the relapses was shortly after shutdown. Okay. So that was, yes, probably that. Mm-hmm. the pressure of everything changing. Mm-hmm. And then the last relapse was last year January 31st. I went out. That I've thought about it a lot in the last month cuz my life is completely different. It's amazing what a year can do, but if I put myself back into the head space I was in then I felt like I was trying and I felt like I was doing the best I could at that moment. And I felt like I was using all the tools that I possessed at that time. It just wasn't enough to keep, you know, and it felt. I remember being in some really dark moments last year around that time. Going to meetings. I had service and as a matter of fact, I even spoke at a meeting the night that I went out and I had been reminded of the meeting, like I had decided to go out the night before and I was making preparations. And then that morning I got a text from the leader of this meeting I was supposed to speak at and I was like, well, let me speak at this meeting cuz maybe then I won't go out. But it didn't, it didn't work. I needed, there was this relief that I wasn't getting, that I thought at the time would only be cured by the pipe. And now I know that that's not true, but even like post relapse, I was talking to my best friend and I said, maybe this sounds crazy to say out loud and I can't believe I'm saying it here, but maybe I'm just one of those people that needs to do this once in a while in order for my life to progress, which is so chaotic. That's so chaotic. But I was convinced o obviously meth makes you. I never quite went into psychosis when I was using meth, but it's, it definitely takes you close even if you don't go full, full psycho. And I say that with like the purest of intentions and not to judge anyone. I've seen it all. Yeah. So I don't know. It was different last time. It felt like the only answer. Mm-hmm.

Steve: 16:32

And what's changed in your life over this past year?

Jase: 16:35

Well, one thing I noticed, breathe relapse was there was some things that I was hesitating on. There were some things I wasn't doing. one of them was getting a local sponsor. My previous sponsor was amazing. She's great. I love her. She was my New York sponsor and my pandemic sponsor, but I needed to become part of this local community. And that was kind of holding me back not holding me back, but like it was definitely hesitating on becoming a bigger part of this fellowship. The other thing was I stopped, being creative. I wasn't doing drag, I wasn't acting, I wasn't writing more than any of that though. I wasn't really listening to myself. Mm-hmm. So, and I don't, I can't tell you how this happened, but I can tell you my intention was to start really, really focusing in on myself and listen. to myself when, and, and, and watching out for those moments that we all have pre relapse that tell us that something's happening. And, and I just started going to meetings. I started going to new meetings. I got a new sponsor. I got some service. and I started hearing. My conscious, I started hearing my gut and what I've said several times over the last year is, you know, listen, listening to that gut feeling of like when you know, when something scary or bad is about to happen, we have those instincts and, and to me, and, and it's also happens when there's something good, but also there's some fear around doing. New and exciting things. So I listen to that and, and, and I often say that that is where me and my higher power communicate is in those gut responses and those, you know, those gut feelings. Mm-hmm. that's when I know that like, and sometimes I resist it, but I know it's there and I have to like, sit with it and process it. And it sounds very heady, but it's worked and I think. There was this moment at 60 days last year, I had start, just started a new meeting and I, the speaker at this meeting was talking about when he came back and finally got sober. He had 15 years, he has 15, he has 16 years now. But he was talking about, like, I just started listening and I just started putting one foot in front of the other and I reali and I, before I went to that meeting, I was like, I don't know how I got to 60 days this time. I wasn't conscious of it. I just did it. And to hear him speak it really for the first time in my life, and I grew up kind of church adjacent, I understood what faith meant. Mm-hmm. you know, he was telling his story of just like one foot in front of the other, listening to suggestions and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was having this moment personally where it's like, how did I fucking get to 60 days? It was not even an effort this time. Mm-hmm. and, and it settled me in a way, and I, you know, it, it really connected me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet to, you know, my higher power and, and also gave me confidence to know that like, oh, I'm just doing the right things right now. And that's been. My first couple sobriety, I was very public. After 90 days, my first time around I gave, I was like, I'm going to let my public know, cuz I was still like a public figure at the time and I still am now. But like, it was be, it was more than, and I gave myself 90 days and I was. I'm going to let them know what was happening. And it was actually really beautiful and it served its purpose and I helped other people get sober or tell their stories, which was cute. But the difference in, in the last year is I've been really silent about my recovery. Every milestone, like, you know, three months or six months or 10 months or whatever in the last year or whatever felt special, I had this little conversation with myself as like, Do, do I want to share my little screenshot of my sober app or whatever. And it never w became about that. It was just about me and my hair power and my recovery, and it's worked. So even doing this podcast right now, it's kind of like, well, I, you know, this is cool. I also just have to remain in the middle of the boat, and I'm thinking about. My anniversary coming up on Sunday February 5th, and I have class that day and I'm just thinking I might go buy a little cupcake and just be with myself for that day. It feels like the best thing to do. Thanks. And then go take cakes at my meetings the rest of the week,

Steve: 21:51

Sounds good. Excellent. And I know that you shared during your experie. How much of your, like sexuality and gender identity played a role in like your use, but what's it been like navigating the queer community sober?

Jase: 22:05

Well, it's, it's really important for me to state, I'm, I'm non-binary. I identify as non-binary. I came out a few years ago. I used they, them pronouns. Remember in my active use, consciously masking up and constantly buting up in order to get the drugs and the sex that I wanted. There was people that wouldn't even like be with me when they found out that I was a drag queen. Really wild. I think it's different now. I think it's how it is now is. I'm not really dating. Is that, is that the question you're asking, like relationships or,

Steve: 22:46

or just in, in general, like fr friendships, are you able to still like, go out because you, I know you were like so involved in nightlife before, like, is that still a part of your life

Jase: 22:55

at all? Mm-hmm. So sobriety is giving me my identity, you know, like my gender identity Sex doesn't really happen right now just for reasons. But I've really been able to exist as myself as far as going out. I haven't had a drink in three and a half years, so like being around. Alcohol is not terrible. And it's kind of like the difference is now being sober is like, I know when that awkward mo moment comes where I would've had two more drinks or whatever, that's the time for me to like do my exit. So I don't mind going out. I don't really do it. I'm such like an early bird now. I don't Mm-hmm. as far as nightlife goes, I am just getting back into it here in la. I, you know, before the pandemic, I was working five days a week in New York and I kind of shifted gears. I'm getting back to it now. And it's actually really exciting. I'm way more clear. I just did my first gig in almost a year, at least in la. Last Sunday at a drag brunch and it was cool. I remember everything. I really took time and effort to prepare my looks, which was not something I spent much time on before. It was kind of like, let's throw this on and throw this on and like just smash beer cans over my head and shit like that. Very punk rock, which I still am very punk rock. But it was nice like, I, you know, styled some wigs, which I was very much a shaken girl. Go before and rehearsed for the first time since I started doing drag. I was very like rehearsal based when I first started doing drag and very like artsy fartsy when it came to my drag. And I kind of did a, like, it was kind of like this melding of like, who I was when I first started drag, and then what it became and it was cute. So I guess that's what's different. I'm more way more thankful and just to be part of it. And I think I've gotten back to the, the root of the fun of just being an actor and a performer and doing it for fun, you know? our hobbies become business. There's, there's a certain juice that's like removed from it. Yeah, I can

Steve: 25:27

imagine. And if you can give one piece of advice to someone who's newly sober, what would it be?

Jase: 25:34

Just stay Mm-hmm. Take a number, call that person. I like this thing and I've never said it to anyone, but I like it. Figure out where your next meeting is before you leave this meeting. You know, go to a meeting, figure out where the next one is. You know, also 90 and 90, there are so many meetings online now. There's no excuse not to do a meeting every day. As I'm saying this out loud, I'm like saying it to myself and like resenting myself, But it's possible, you know, after my relapse, before the pandemic. I d I was like, well, I gotta recommit hard. So it was like 90 and 90. I, I turned out like 133 and 90 or something like that, just cuz everything was online then. So yeah, go to meetings, talk to people. The fellowship is key. The friendships are key. Yeah.

Steve: 26:33

Excellent. And do you have any favorite quotes or mantras that you like to try and live?

Jase: 26:39

I think my favorite is more will be revealed. Mm-hmm. Why? Just because it takes pressure off. It's just like, I don't have to figure this out now. Mm-hmm. you know? Yeah. That's

Steve: 26:52

a good one. Yeah. And any less words of wisdom or advice?

Jase: 26:56

No. no. Okay.

Steve: 26:58

I like,

Jase: 26:59

Yeah. If you think you need to be sober, then you probably need to be sober. You know, like if you think you have a problem, you probably have a problem. If it's affecting your friendships, it's probably affecting your friendships. Yeah. You know, like I, I waited a long time to actually step into the rooms, but I knew it was a problem from a very young age. Mm-hmm.

Steve: 27:21

Excellent. And how can people find, If they wanted to connect. You

Jase: 27:26

can find me at the lady the, it's everywhere, including Venmo, T H E L A D y, B e A R I c A. And I have some very exciting things coming up. I, like I said, I'm getting back to it, including here in la. I'm currently in production of a sober drag brunch. Oh,

Steve: 27:48

excellent. Yeah, so definitely I'll put that in the show notes so people can click on over and give you a follow. Thank you so much, Jason. It was a pleasure getting to know you better. Thank you. And stick around cause we do have our post show. But in the meantime, listeners, make sure you're following us wherever you're listening right now, so you can get these new episodes when they come out every Thursday. If you're interested in sharing your story, you can email me at gay a podcast gmail.com or on Instagram at Gaya podcast. And like I hinted, definitely join our Paton family today for exclusive Postshow bonus content for each episode over at patreon.com/gay a. And until next time, stay sober Friends.