Making Music ft. J9

Steve welcomes back friend of the podcast, J9, to discuss making music and connecting with your creative side in recovery.

For more J9,  follow them on IG @j9grooves - and follow us while you are at it @gayapodcast

Check out our Post-Show to hear us talk about how making friends and connections in recovery at www.patreon.com/gayapodcast

Until next time, stay sober friends!

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Transcript

Steve: 0:56

Hi everyone and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett. Martin, I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for the creative streak I'm learning. I have in recovery as of this recording. I am 636 days sober, and today we're welcoming back friend of the Pod Jane nine, to talk about making music in recovery. Thanks for coming back. Welcome.

J9: 1:21

thanks so much for having me back. Yeah,

Steve: 1:24

I'm excited to catch up. Since, as we were saying before, it's been about a year since your last episode. What, what's been the last year been like?

J9: 1:34

The last year has been Yeah, pretty up and down. But I've been making music, keeping creative getting used to small town living. Mm-hmm. has been a bit of a challenge after being in a city like Toronto for 20 years, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. Even more exciting as I actually started flight school in September. So I'm learning how to fly airplane. and make music so I can be any happier really. That's awesome. Yeah.

Steve: 2:08

Yeah. And why, out of talking about anything in the world, you talked about making music.

J9: 2:15

I mean, it has been there's been some, some struggling around it. I won't lie. As a, as a sober person. Having moved away from the city and trying to just kind of like keep in it an inch towards like socializing in the music scene still, but like from far away and not being able to like show up every week and just get the hang of it. I mean, I hate to say, well, not hate to say, but part of the reason I, I did move out to the middle of nowhere was kind of. when things started opening up during pandemic, I was about a year sober. And I don't know, I was just afraid, actually. I was afraid that when everything started opening up for the summer, that I don't know, I just kind of wanted to take myself out of a city that's known for, for social drinking. Mm-hmm. and give myself more time and space before. So yeah, music because. it's my hobby, it's my passion. Aside from work and school, I'm making music. And it has been a little bit of a challenge to feel still part of a scene that I very much was a part of the whole time I lived in Toronto. Yeah. So it's just very different now. Very different. Little bit of a challenge, but it's, it's, it's still going good. It's going. But yeah, I thought maybe maybe I could share some of my insight with your listeners and who knows? Maybe someone can chime in with some advice to me.

Steve: 3:57

Yes. Sounds good. I know that, I mean, I think just in general, it's beautiful finding creativity and recovery especially, but I've never been much of a musical person. I've learned I'm creative in other ways. Just making music is not one of them. But What was your first experience like maybe as like a child or young adult where you remember making music?

J9: 4:18

I've been, I mean, I was playing around on a keyboard at the age of what, like two or three. And then I think by six years old I was put in piano lessons. I started just playing songs that I liked by ear. I guess I don't really make music until. I mean, I'm gonna say I actually like composed my, my, my own first piano piece when I was in high school, like 15, 16, maybe years old. But I do remember we have to take the French class here in Canada and I did in elementary school make a French rap as one of my assignments. So I put, yeah, I, with the cassette tape, I put a beat together, I wrapped on top of it. I don't know how to rap but that was a lot of fun. And you know what? It kind of blew the teacher away. I remember that. She was like super impressed by the creative, you know, motivation behind it. So yeah, I mean, and then I haven't really been making music until more of my adult. Like aside from those two little things, I've always like played other people's music. Mm-hmm. So I, I think that to me that's different than making music. Yeah. And I definitely didn't really start getting more into that until. Probably in my early twenties, but for the most part, I've played other people's music and been in bands and only over the past several years now have I really wanted to focus on making my own music. Yeah. But yeah, I would say the French wrap

Steve: 5:50

That's awesome. And how would you say your, your drinking and use affected your ability and your relationship with music?

J9: 6:00

Yeah, I I was a pretty good kid. I know a lot of I had, I had friends in high school that were like drinking and smoking and, and doing drugs and stuff, but I honestly didn't until I left high school and started college. So, I mean, playing musical through high school was just normal. It was, you know, my peers band. But yeah, once I went to college, started drinking and got my first band, I remember it was a real gamble. You know, it was pretty traditional to want to take like a shot of whiskey before going on stage, and hopefully hadn't drank, drank much before then. But yeah, sometimes for whatever reason you go on late and, you know, get carried away. Keep track and I used to fumble around quite a bit on the keyboard during some of the shows, and, and I, I remember feeling very embarrassed after some of'em. And, and like it was becoming a problem with playing music. On the other hand, I'm sure you'd talked to a lot of creative people in general that, I mean, before they, they go sober. Might even say that. Drinking or like smoking may have got them into the creative space faster and they think like, yeah, it really helps me. But I can tell you after being sober for long enough, it helps you more to not drink than to drink

Steve: 7:35

Yeah. I used to tell'em like, that was the narrative I told myself like all the time for like writing podcast episodes cuz like I was podcasting before I got sober. It's not like I was drunk working on these but like I remember I'd be like, yeah, I'm gonna like research my movies for my pop culture podcast while I'm having a. Glass, which was a bottle of wine and like I'll just knock through like three outlines. And of course like I rarely got one done and it was like incomplete or sloppy. And yeah, it definitely was a narrative. I told myself that it was like easier to be creative or make things when I was drinking, but it wasn't. True.

J9: 8:10

No, it's really common. I hear a lot of people, I've always heard a lot of people say that, and it's just, it's like a myth almost, I would say. Mm-hmm. but I can't tell you also the, the number of times I woke up the next morning and like would open up the song I was editing the night before and I'm like, what the fuck did I do? Yeah. Like, no saving this. I don't, I don't know what I did but. you're right. And

Steve: 8:35

then what was it, what was your relationship with music like, especially during, like, at first counting days and when you first got sober?

J9: 8:42

Well, I would, I would kind of start that with for me when I finally like really stuck to being sober. Like it was right at the start of the pandemic. So like I'm very proud of myself. I'm coming up on my third year on March 1st, and, but that did kind of put me in a unique situation because I think, you know, I was in a small bachelor apartment right downtown Toronto, and yeah, I really leaned on music as like, One of the only things that make me feel grounded and sane and, and not so alone. Like, I'm sure most people going through a breakup or something has turned and leaned on, leaned on music. Just so you don't, you feel like, I don't know, you kind of it's cathartic to listen to other people's experiences sometimes. Yeah. So like I, I, I leaned into music. more as like, not because that's just what I do, but now I'm sober. It was also like a survival strategy, I guess. So I mean it was, yeah, it was very, it was a lot. It was meaningful. I definitely, I. I'm glad that I had my instruments and a love for music to get me through the, that first little

Steve: 10:02

bit. Yeah, I can certainly see that being helpful. Yeah. And how have your experiences with making music changed or evolved over the course of your recovery?

J9: 10:13

Changed or evolved over the course? Well, I guess one thing that comes to mind is, yeah, I mean, if you have a drink, it can sometimes help you just start a process of anything. Like if for some reason like you get two in your head and you're like, oh, I'm getting overwhelmed. There's too many steps to do the thing I want to do, like, like, yeah. So you, I leaned. on having a drink often before just to like lower that inner critic and, and, and, and make myself I guess less inhibited towards like, yeah, it just made starting things easier. So I guess it's changed and evolved in that I've had to learn how to consistently show up when I want to create. when I have to because like I, I've given myself a deadline or have a deadline to get a song done for someone or whatever. Like, yeah, like maybe now I go to the store and get chocolate instead, but But yeah, it's, it's just, I kind of feel like there's a little bit more of a push that I've needed to get used to giving myself to be like, don't worry, just get started. That's the hardest. Once you start, it's gonna feel great, but for some reason it's always been kind of like too much in my head, I guess, with artistry too, like, like that inner critic. Sometimes it just tells you like, why start? If what you're gonna do isn't gonna be good enough. Mm-hmm. or, or up to your expectations or whatever. So that voice alone can be enough to kind of just make you stop in your tracks, get a little paralyzed and not want to even start something. So yeah, consistently showing up for yourself sober is kind of like learning a new skill, I think.

Steve: 12:19

And how do you overcome that? Like inner saboteur or that negative self-talk?

J9: 12:24

I mean it never really goes away. Mm-hmm. it doesn't kinda, I accept it as a part of me. I like the idea of like the inner child and like the shadow self. So that idea has really helped me out thinking like a lot of the negative thoughts we have are kind of just like, I guess evolutionarily speaking, they've kind of come. as like a survival mechanism. Mm-hmm. like, oh, don't go there. It's not safe. You know, like, so you stay out of, you know, harm's way of like a predator or something, but, now, you know, the way we live now, it doesn't really come in that handy. It's more hindering. But if you think of it as just like a shadow part of yourself that's just there, it's just maybe trying to get your attention. Just kinda like tucking, tugging on your shirt a little bit. Say hi, I hear you, but no Mm-hmm. not this time, but yeah, like, I, I've beat myself up in the past. I'm like, why can't I get rid of this negative thinking? And you know what? That just makes you feel more like shit about yourself because it doesn't go away and it makes it worse. It amplifies it. Cuz now you're beating yourself up about beating yourself up.

Steve: 13:38

Yeah. I was ready to go into a full blown like despair spiral. Like when I go home tonight, I had to be like, getting upset about it will only make me more upset and like, it's just, you have to get over it and figure it. Yeah,

J9: 13:50

it's true. I mean, some people may be just like, la, la, la jump, but I don't know. I feel like self-talk, just talking yourself down out of those kind of things helps a lot.

Steve: 14:02

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And what advice might you have for someone who's struggling to connect with their musical or creative side?

J9: 14:08

You know what, this does kind of remind me of something that happened to me once very happenstance. It was really strange. I just remember after work one day, I went across the street to have a little like post-work meal, and they had kinda like communal tables, so it wasn't like individual seating. It was like maybe a long table with different chairs. and I don't know why, but for some reason I, there was one seat, I asked this older woman, she was probably in her seventies, almost 80, whatever, I don't know, wisdom, what have you, I don't know. Guardian, angel, I don't know. But I sat down and I asked if I could sit me with her and she's like, sure. Then we start chatting and at some point she just kind of is like, you know, you've been to the realm of, of light and sound right. I'm like, what are you talking about, I'm like, Uhhuh, okay. But she actually told me the best piece of advice I've ever heard in my life about getting into that creative space with like color and, and light and sound is she's like, if you start to get in your own way and get overwhelmed, just relax. and I really thought about that like, best thing you can do sometimes if you're getting worked up is to like, either distract yourself, go do something else for a bit. Mm-hmm. for me, even just laying down and like, I'm just gonna have a nap. And then who knows? Like my brain might just go on autopilot and all of a sudden I, I come up with an idea. Right? So I'm not a hundred percent sure if that answers your question, but I think to the best of my ability, that's how I've learned to. With the musical process when it's been hard to, and, and that was advice given to me by someone. Totally random, but it, it really is like the best thing. So maybe others can try that out as well. See how it works for them.

Steve: 16:04

Sounds like a plan. And what type of advice might you have for someone who's struggling in their recovery right now,

J9: 16:12

If you live in a, in. big city, moved to a small town, Mm-hmm. How has that helped you removed the distractions and I'm, I'm, I mean, I'm joking, but really that's literally what I did. And I read a article recently about a, a man in, in Europe who, I guess he, he'd been struggling with being overweight for a very long time, and that's precisely what he did. At some point, he's just like, I'm really not doing this. I just wanna remove myself from the temptation. Went to a small town where like the closest place to go get takeout was like an hour away and you had to get groceries, shop, cook for yourself and right there. That helps you eat a lot healthier because you're cooking. You can control what kind of ingredients you're using and eating. So I think of it the same. You know, don't, don't jump into things if you're not ready. Like if you're not ready to go to a scene, like a bar to listen to live music where like all of your old friends who you met through drinking and connected through drinking, like, it's great if your goal is to be able to go do that. and not have the thought cross your mind or even notice anyone else's drinking around you. I'm happy to say, I think I'm slowly finally starting to kind of get there when I do go out, but like I wasn't ready for such a long time and I'm just really happy that I took the time to myself for as long as I needed. No, no apologies to anyone. Yeah, you just gotta look out for yourself and screw what other people. Yeah, I think

Steve: 17:48

that's great advice. I remember like my first couple times, especially like going out to a bar, like I had certain, like things I was cool with and being around, it was one of them. But like I, I had my husband go up to the bar to get me my diet soda. Like, cuz like I didn't wanna go to the bar where the, they were like, what do you wanna drink? Like, cuz I wasn't, cuz this was like, I think at like six months or eight months sober and I was like not ready to like, Not just have something else, like a drink order come outta my mouth or something like that. So I was like, I could be in the bar and I could sit at the table and I could watch the drag queens because like, that was like the, the best part about bars for me always. And the

J9: 18:22

entertainment,

Steve: 18:22

right? Yeah. The entertainment. And then, but I was like, he, but he had to be my, my bar keep for the night. So we,

J9: 18:28

we made it work. You almost don't trust yourself for the first bit. Like you almost have to like reestablish a connection with yourself first. and who knows how long it'll take to like, trust yourself not to make bad decisions again. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. That's great. Well, I'm glad you figured that out. Yeah.

Steve: 18:45

Any last

J9: 18:46

thoughts? It's always really lovely talking to you. Oh, thank you. Yeah. I like seeing your smile. You feel me? Full of hope for the future.

Steve: 18:57

Excellent. Well, you, you bring the smile to my face. I enjoy chatting with you as well.

J9: 19:03

I love, I love coming onto your.

Steve: 19:05

Yeah. And if someone wanted to connect with you or find your music that you make, how would they do that?

J9: 19:12

I have music. My music's on every streaming platform. So Spotify, apple, like even SoundCloud, Bandcamp, Amazon, what have you. My stage name is J nine, just the letter J and the number nine. There's a few of us out there, but look for the one that. Looks like a non-binary comic, badass, Okay. I'll have that, it'll have that picture on it. But other than that, connect with me through social. I'm at J nine Grooves. Perfect. Just J nine Grooves. And you can find me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube. Yeah. Wonderful.

Steve: 19:53

Excellent. And thank you so much, J nine. Thank you so much and thank you listeners for tuning into another episode of Gay Podcast. If you'd like to hear more of J nine and I, we're gonna be heading on over to our Paton page to talk more about your experience of connecting and making friends in recovery. You can do that by following the link in the show notes. Meanwhile, if you're interested in sharing your story or just say, hi, I'm an email away@gaypodcastgmail.com or on Instagram Gay podcast. And be sure to follow us wherever you're listening so you can get these new episodes when they come out every Thursday. And until next time, stay sober Friends.