Love & Luck ft. Jaymes

Steve welcomes Jaymes from Hot Apollo to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast

Find Jaymes on all the socials @hotapollo and follow us while you are at it  @gAyApodcast

If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com 

Transcript

Steve: 0:03

Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-Martin, I am an alcoholic and addict, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to bring my dog, Remy, to work with me every day. Now, as of this recording, I am 739 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. Welcome James.

Jaymes: 0:27

Thank you. I'm excited to be

Steve: 0:28

here. Yes. Thank you for reaching out to me on Instagram. Why don't you introduce yourself to the listeners?

Jaymes: 0:35

So, I'm Jaymes Buckman poet and actor model, but mainly a rock and roll singer with my band, hot Apollo. And yeah, I've, I kind of came around to this. I mean, I, I saw you, you posting about, and I, I like what you're doing cause, you know People seem, still seem surprised about the fact that you can have like an awesome life with all the like right party energy and everything if you want without imbibing I intoxicants of any time, you know? And so I just see you promote that like especially in, in a queer space where things are at times Even more hedonistic in, in, in some places in comparison to maybe like straight culture. So I just, yeah. What you doing it so, so important. I thought I, I want, I wanna like, put my voice to, to bolster that too. Excellent. Well,

Steve: 1:28

yeah. Speaking of your music, why don't you tell us about some of your favorite hobbies or things to do in recovery?

Jaymes: 1:35

So I kind of think that I just have, I mean, I'm I'm pretty neuro divergent. And, and, and I, that includes a fair dose of ocd, which means that it's very easy for me to get stuck on things. So I kind of don't want but it does mean on the other hand, that like I can sort of, if I have, like I've learned how to like displace. Certain obsessions with other ones, you know? Mm-hmm. So having something like music or, or poetry to focus on at all times or just, you know, like like reading whatever, like helps with I mean, just, yeah, having hobbies, keeping the brain busy. Always like a, just a huge boon. So yeah, I'd say outside of music, poetry as I said, like reading also like some, some video games here and there. Yeah, not, I don't have like a huge like diverse talent of, of games, but I do like ones I play. So yeah, just dancing I think is, is another big one every weekend. Dancing with the friends. You know after, especially after like lockdown ended, I, I resolved to like never spend a weekend without some dancing if I could avoid it.

Steve: 2:41

That's awesome. And so why don't we jump into and tell us a little bit about what your journey with alcohol or drugs was like and how you got here.

Jaymes: 2:50

So I, Hmm. I don't know that many alcoholics in my personal lives, so I can't say. Whether my experience is particularly common, but I can say like I've never really encountered anyone with, with the same one. So I basically did all my drinking when I was 15. And I was, I remember being I was, I was like a, a pretty small kid for my age. I was like, I'm tall now, and I was tall in kindergarten, but between like you know, grade school and the latter half of high school, I was a, a short kid and like pretty underweight where I was like all my friends were really tall and they booze was always around. They, they knew people who, who like could hook them up with it. And, and I, I did my best to keep up with them just cause it was there. And I probably felt some sort of Like subconscious need to like prove myself. Cause again, I was, you know, sort of the baby of the bunch at that point, and like, kind of, I don't wanna keep up with my peers. Right. So it's kinda like almost self-inflicted peer pressure in a way. Which whatever high school James. Not, not, not the best. James. So I like basically if there was. Like I, I would like basically try to take as much as they gave me. And I, I didn't really know I was do why I was doing it, but I was doing it and that that had some unfortunate effects. Like for one thing, I don't have a ton of inhibitions to begin with, so it didn't really like, Improve my overall experience of anything. You didn't make me do things I'd be otherwise too scared to do. It just made me worse at the things I would already do. So like net negative on, you know, the whole scene, right? Yeah. And then there was like this one time when I like wound up in hospital. It I, I like, I. Apparently, I, I don't remember most of the night I've heard stories. I don't know how many of them are true. But I do remember waking up in a hospital bed with my parents, like learing over me as like my stomach was being, I, I think I, I think I had to get like stomach pumped or something to like, Of like brainy of potential alcohol poisoning, something like that. I, I like, I don't know, it was a long, it was in high school and I was like, semiconscious. So I just, I just remember trying to come up with some cover to explain why I have, why I had al alcohol poisoning. The next thing I remember is waking up on the following evening with my brother. In the living room. He just said, James. It's like just so you know, it's like seven 30 at night. Mom and dad are at a party, but they're really not at you. And eventually after, after some experiences like that, some, some, like, actually some ru like parties that were just like ruined by you know, my inability to really. To any sort of moderation. I, I, I came to the epiphany that I, I didn't really have the potential to have anything in my life improved by alcohol or really any intoxicated substances in, in any way. I just, like, my mind is already in A, the kind of weird state I like and nothing I experimented with seemed to improve on that in any way. Besides which I don't really have the natural ability to go halfway on anything. Like if I'm, if I'm putting, if I'm, if I'm bringing something into my life I, I tend to do it to the highest degree. And if it's not in my life, it's, it's like I'm not even gonna have a bit of it. So like and, and alcohol was possibly the first example of that. Like, I, I, I never knew how it meant to like, drink moderately or just, you know, have a tipple here and there. Like, it was, it was something like I, I tried and when I tried and think I, I go all the way and I thought, you know what? If I'm not going to do this, Through the extreme, which no one should. Then I, I sh then I didn't wanna do it at all. So that was about how I, I, I came about sobriety. And I, I did so when I was 15. So yeah, I, I don't know. I I you've spoken to a lot of people. Does that, is that any sort of common experience or,

Steve: 7:32

I, I mean, I've, I've heard it before, especially from younger people in, in the rooms that you know, If you realize, like some of us go through a lot in hindsight, I realize it was a problem right from the beginning, but it took me years and years and years for me to realize and get to that point where I could see the hindsight. But I, I can certainly applaud the people and I've talked to a lot of people in like different rooms, in different recovery stages that figured it out much younger. And I think that's, it's also because a lot of times, like nowadays, it seems like finding communities like that you wouldn't normally find in your own backyard are a lot easier. To connect like with other sober individuals and have like a kind of sober community. And what, what's it been like for you getting sober, deciding to be sober so young? What's it been like going through, you know, the twenties and like your experience where a lot of your peers might still be drinking heavily or have things centered around alcohol?

Jaymes: 8:26

So honestly, I think I'm, I'm lucky cuz I'm just like intensely stubborn. So if I decide. To do something or not do something, I'm, I'm pretty impossible to sweat. And like, honestly, even now, people like it, it's too easy for people to forge, forget that I'm sober. So I'm constantly just like being, and also I have like, you know, very like nice you know, supportive friends. So I'm, I'm constantly being offered like drinks, like whenever, like. I'm, I'm with people just cuz they're, you know, trying to be nice and like inviting and I just have to constantly remind them yeah, no, I, I don't drink, but it's not really a drain on me. It's just like, it's, it's almost kind of funny. So yeah, I just, I, I don't, I don't, I have, I think I have like, maybe like two or three sober friends. I have a lot of people who like my, actually don't like really drink that much but they'll have like a sip or whatever here and there. But it does mean. So yeah, there's that. It, it does, it hasn't really affected like my life firsthand that much. But I think it's given me a bit of perspective and a slightly greater ability to help other people in my life who are for various reasons starting to decrease or. Completely remove alcohol and or other I intoxicants from their lives. And like a lot of them, like don't know many or any sober people. And so I, I feel, you know, privileged to be that sober voice in, in their lives to offer like my sport cuz you know, it is in most cases not the easiest thing to do alone. So having someone who's gonna be there with you emotionally and in a lot of cases at, you know, events and stuff physically to, to, you know, foster your resolve is always like needed. Yeah. It's huge. And so I, you know, in the absence of other people, I Like, I could be there for, for my friends to help them on, on whatever journey they're on.

Steve: 10:36

Yeah. And how would you feel that like both your sobriety and like the other things that you, you deal with have like changed the way that you interact or maybe navigate the, with your sexual or gender identity? Like, how do you feel like that's affected your drinking or recovery?

Jaymes: 10:52

I don't know. I would say probably not at all. Also in the, in the, in the time during which I was like making the decision to just cut off alcohol, I was going through a whole mess of other like mental stuff and that was almost a, a sort of distraction. It, it, like my mind was already like occupied with that. So In a way that simplified things because the rest of my life was like, too complicated. But yeah, I, I, I can't honestly, well, I will say this. I was, oh, huh, I was gonna say I was almost completely virginal by the time I quit alcohol. I was a bit of a late luer, but do you do like, I, I don't know if you want like a. You know, prayer warning for mm-hmm. Things that might lean against sexual assault. But on one of the last times, maybe the last time I got drunk I kind of got molested. Like I, I want. It's a weird thing to say cuz like, I wasn't, I was, I was like so drunk that I didn't even have like the, I wasn't Have you ever felt as though, like, you're just sitting, like you're, you're, you're so gone that you're just like a semi-conscious, like audience member mm-hmm. In your own head and you're like, body's just like, like operating robotically, you know, like you're just like proceeding on a track and you're just like sitting there and watching like you have like no control over what's happening. So I got home from this like party at, at my friend's, well it was my friend's old house that her parents had sold and then they almost didn't match a salad cuz she wrecked so much. But anyway, I was getting home from this party and and I was like, I was in a taxi, like right outside of my house. I was actually be dropped off and I get a call from a friend, says, Hey, there's an after party at, at this house. You, you've gotta come. And I, I'm already like maybe trying to sober out. I have like a, a bottle of like water in my hand that I'm, like, I'm trying to drink to like slightly tear myself up. But I say, you know what? I, I, at that point, I wasn't like in a, in a frame of mind to say no. And, and like, you know, my friend just started Simon, so excited to have me over there. So I said, Hey taxi you know, let's actually turn around and go to this address instead. I hopped out of the car. At, at the, like, I, you know, I, well, sorry, I opened the door to the car and, and see my friends and, and a few people I don't know, waiting for me. And one of them this like you know, fairly diminutive girl, like immediately like hops o on me and like grabs the bottle of water out of my hand. And then her friends say you know, that's not vodka, right? That's water. So she tosses it away. And reaches that hand right down my pants and like follows around for, I don't know how long it was for but it, it, it was a while and I'm just like, I have, like, this is the first actual, I think I'd maybe kissed like two or three people at most of four. So this is like my first sexual experience and I have no control over what's happening and I don't even. Like, I don't even know the picture. Like, I can't even like remember this person. Like, apart from like the friends whom I already knew, I don't, I can't like, see any faces or like remember these people at all. So essentially like my first sexual experience is with this ghost and I was like, no, say that. Or I can't say yes or no. So like I don't wanna call it like, you know full on sexual assault or whatever. Cause I don't wanna like diminish. You know what that can mean. And I don't know how I would've reacted if I were sober, but yeah, I think that, and, and yeah, that was maybe not the most drunk I've ever been, but the most drunk I remember feeling cuz as I said, I had, I just had no control over my body. I don't remember another experience like that. And so yeah, I don't, I, I don't know if I don't, I doubt that like, kind of affected him things in terms of like, Developing or identifying my sex sexuality, but it did not feel like a great start to that aspect of my life. Mm-hmm. And and that's, you know, cuz of cause of alcohol. Yeah.

Steve: 15:17

And what kind of advice do you give people when they are, you mentioned earlier, like coming to you about evaluating their relationship with alcohol. What, what's, what are some things you would recommend for people to do or think

Jaymes: 15:28

about? I think in most cases when people are evaluating their relationship with alcohol, alcohol on some level, they already know what the result's gonna be. Cuz I, I, I'm all, I'm of the opinion and, and like basically any case that if something is not like serving your life in some way, it probably shouldn't be a part of this. So if you're af having to ask. Do it one alcohol in my life, it's probably because some part of you knows that you don't, it's, it's clearly not doing what, it's not, you're not getting out of it what you want. Or even if you are it's net effect is negative in some other way. So I would say give yourself enough, like trust that instinct enough to follow through on what it's telling you. Cause yeah. It's, it's, you're, you're, you know, you're too good to have things in your life that, that aren't good for you. Yeah.

Steve: 16:23

Good advice. And do you have any favorite quotes, lyrics, any words to live by?

Jaymes: 16:32

One phrase that always stuck in my head was love and luck. Cause you know, you've got to. Pursue all the loves in your life, regardless of what form they take as hard as you can. And in a lot of cases, it's gonna take some luck to get you there. Excellent. But it's, it's, it's always worth the

Steve: 16:55

journey. Perfect. And if our listeners wanted to connect with you or find more about you, what you do with your music, how would they find you?

Jaymes: 17:03

So, I'm. Basically too lazy to have multiple social media accounts. So I just use my band name Hot Apollo on basically everything, you know. If you look for us on any like music platform, you'll find us there. Spotify, iTunes, den Camp, whatever, YouTube. We have some music videos, Instagram, we're there. If you reach out to me on, on Facebook, I, we, I do have a Twitter now, but the, I don't even remember the, the, the temporary account I'm using cuz the old one got hacked and I don't know if I'm gonna get it back. And also, I dunno if people still use Twitter that much anyway. But I'm pretty easy to find. You can even reach'em by email if that's a thing. You still use Hot apollo@rockel.com, but yeah. James Buckman Hot Apollo. It's James with y. But yeah, search for Hot Apollo anywhere. You will find me. We even have our own website hot apollo.com. So yeah, reach out to us anywhere you like and and you will find us. I, I can basically guarantee it.

Steve: 17:58

All right, excellent. I'll throw that in the show notes as well for you listeners. But thank you so much, James, for coming on. It was a pleasure getting to know you better. Likewise. And you can listeners hand on over to our Paton page if you wanna listen to our post show, where we're gonna continue talking about your experiences in recovery. If you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with show, or just saying, hi, I'm an email away at gay a podcast gmail.com or on Instagram at gay podcast, and I'll talk to you all next Thursday. And until that time, stay sober friends.