...Don't be an Ass Hat ft. Kole

Steve welcomes Kole to share his experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast

Find Kole on all the socials @koletaylor57  and follow us while you are at it  @gAyApodcast

If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com 

Transcript

Steve: 0:03

Hi everyone and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-martin. I am an alcoholic and I'm grateful for all the fun I'll be having at the Gay and Sober Men's Conference with starts the day that this episode will be going live. Now as of this recording, I am 7 31 Day Sober, which is two years in one day, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. Welcome

Kole: 0:28

Kole. Hey everyone, my name is Kole. I'm a grateful, recovering addict and I'm super stoked to be here. I'm

Steve: 0:35

stoked to have gotten a chance to meet you through Gay and Sober, but for those who might not know you, why don't you tell us a little

Kole: 0:41

bit about you? For sure. Like I said, my name's Cole. I'm in recovery. My recovery date is June 26th, 2019. I grew up in Utah super Mormon, super religious, and ended up coming out as a transgender man back in 2019. And that's kind of when my recovery started. So my transition and my recovery both play a huge part in my life. That's

Steve: 1:05

awesome. So yes, and we'll dive into both of those in a little bit. But I like to start off softer before we get into the heavy stuff. What are some of your favorite things to do or hobbies in sobriety?

Kole: 1:16

Ooh, there is so many fun things to do in sobriety. One that I'm kind of just started picking up again is skateboarding. I used to skate when I was a kid, and you know, it's life short. Why not learn how to do a kick flip at 31, even though, yeah. But being outside is one of my biggest hobbies, like hiking, going to the beach, going to the ocean, traveling. I. Play music on occasion, like campfire songs and such, and just being really active in life. Yeah.

Steve: 1:45

That's awesome. All right. And then let's get jump into, tell us a little bit about what your journey with alcohol and drugs and addiction was like. I.

Kole: 1:53

For sure. So my story, so I started out I was adopted by my grandparents when I was around seven years old. My biological mom just wanted a better life for me, and I, I always struggled with like the abandonment issues and like not feeling worth it and just wanting to be valued. And so, When I was in high school, I really started trying to fill those voids inside of me. I grew, like I said earlier, I grew up very l d s and I had some internal like homophobia and transphobia, and I didn't understand like why I liked girls instead of liking the boys. So I really like had this internal battle with myself. And just to kind of give you a brief history of like how bad I wanted to fill those voids and fit in with people, I asked I asked my cool friends if they would Find me some like ecstasy or like Molly or something, and they're like, yeah, dude, we got you. This, this is designer Molly. They're called tos. And I spent$75 on OIDs that they had tricked me into believing that it was ecstasy. Mm-hmm. So I'm like giving myself the placebo effect during high school. Like, oh, I'm one with the walls and I'm just like vibing with myself. And it just like, I would go to any lengths to like fill something other than what was really going on, even if it was with a breath mint. Yeah. So, mm-hmm. But after high school, I just kind of started. Just experimenting with actual drugs and real alcohol, you know. And in 2014, I was introduced to crystal meth and that filled every single void in my entire being. I could work harder. I felt confidence. It gave me the energy and con, I just, it just worked so well for me in the beginning. But then eventually as most of us in recovery and had that, have substance use issues, like it didn't work for very long. Right. I was bouncing from trap house to trap house. I lost all my jobs that I had. Just pure chaos, right? Living in the backseat of my car with my dog and just trying to figure out what the fuck to do next. In 2017, I started working at gay club down in downtown Salt Lake City, and that was when I was introduced to like the gay community. And in the community like uppers and cocaine and meth were very much appreciated. And so I was selling drugs out of the gay the gay clubs bathroom and just feeling like this was socially acceptable. Right. Then I was introduced to drag queens and drag kings and I. I was kind of making fun of him in the beginning. I was like, I can get on stage and like lip sync, Britney Spears. Like why can't I do that? So I dressed up or I got into drag for my first time and when I first taped my chest back and like went kind of topless on stage, like I felt so alive. Right. Like I was just like, holy cow. Like this, this is like a new feeling that I've never had before. And so I really delve straight into Dragon. In 2019, I got kind of messed up with mixed, sorry, mixed up with some toxic bartending. Lifestyles. And I started working at a strip club and the girl I was dating at the time, she was also struggling with some substance use. And she was a downer. I was an upper and like, I don't know if we were more codependent on the drugs or each other. It just was not we, it was just not a, the dumpster fire inside of a train wreck inside of like an airplane crash. Like it was just a mess. But anyway, so June 17th at one of my last drag shows as a. Reigning Gay Pride Utah. At the end of that one of, one of the youth came up to me and said Taylor Flav, that was my drag name. I, I wanna be like you when I grow up because like, I think you're just so cool and like, you're awesome. And that really like, really hit me hard because like, I was still shooting up in my closet every morning, right? Like I was still living like this very chaotic lifestyle where I. Just didn't know who I was. And to hear someone say that they looked up to me really got to me. So later that night, I was planning on ending my life because I just didn't know what else to do and I didn't want to be like a false idol to the youth. Right. My bar manager at the Gate Club But actually pulled me aside and said, dude, you need some help. Like, let's get you, let's get you into treatment. And the bar actually sponsored me to go into treatment. I, June 26th is when I first, like I said, my recovery date and when I went into that center and the first couple days I hated it and I wanted to leave. But then I had a staff member say, you know what? I care about you, and like, genuinely mint. Like she cared about me. So I was like, okay, maybe I'll stick around for a little bit. And then the same staff member said, I love you. And I was like, okay, well I'm a lesbian, so like obviously we have to get married. When do I move in? You know? And apparently that was like breaking a boundary, right? So I was kicked out of treatment because of that eight days later, but, Within those first eight days, like I knew I wanted recovery more than I wanted my old life. So I started hitting up crystal meth anonymous meetings and narcotics Anonymous meetings and other fellowships, and I was sitting in one of my first AA meetings and everyone was like going up and picking up their chips and like very proudly saying, my name is so-and-so and I'm an alcoholic, or My name is this and I'm an addict. And without thinking, I just kind of walked up there, grabbed my chip and I looked at it and I said, I'm an addict and I'm trans. Like, I didn't even, and that's just kind of like my, my way of admitting and like accepting myself who I was inside and out, not only with my disease, but also with my sexuality and my gender identity. And so that was a really powerful moment for me where it just kind of like, My higher power, just kind of like ta-da light bulbs came on, right? Like, this is who you are and this is what you need to be. So July 11th, 2019, I went and talked to a H R T or hormone replacement therapy doctor, and I started my transition And that first testosterone shot, like, it doesn't really give you like a eye feeling, but like the. Emotions that came with doing my first tee shot, filled up all those voids that I'd been trying to cope with with drugs. Right. And I just like dove straight into recovery in my transition and just being a part of like the sober community of, in the queer community. So, I I, I took every suggestion. I found a badass sponsor in a cocaine anonymous meeting, and she gave me the suggestion to like look into sober living, cuz I was still living out of a trap house and just kind of white knuckling it. So I took that suggestion and got into I o p an I O P sober living set up and. As I was packing up my things, I found some like old paraphernalia and I was like, okay, well maybe I can get high one more time. Right? And so as like, I'm preparing to relapse, which spoil alert I didn't. But my roommate at the time, Like yells down the hallway, he's like, Hey Cole, there's a fucking Turkey in our front yard. And I, I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah, right? Like it's a con concrete jungle. There's no wild turkeys in the fucking middle of the city. And so I'm like, what's going on? So I dropped my stuff, run upstairs and sure, shit, there's a fucking Turkey on my front lawn. So I ended up was like, okay, all right, Harry Pirate, I see what you're doing here. Right? So I got my ass to a meeting, shared about it and continued. I. Had a friend in recovery come and help me dispose of everything and just like be that support for me while I pack to go into sober living. And yeah, like early recovery for me, like I, I remember I just wanted to be like, I just wanted to fit in with the cool kids in recovery, right? Mm-hmm. So I started fellow shipping. I would do like go on these hikes for. With the treatment centers that I were around in the area, they, in Salt Lake City, there are so many different fellowships and support groups and just so much to do in that city that I just got involved with everything being of service, I started chairing a meeting and just being an advocate for like queer people in recovery. And then the pandemic happened and TikTok became a huge thing. And I had a TikTok crush and. It was mutual. So ended up moving across the country first said TikTok Crush. Mm-hmm. Because you know those lesbian U-Haul tendencies, right? Yeah. And so I ended up in Maine where I live currently. The relationship failed because, you know, you don't really, you should probably shouldn't move across the country for a stranger in matter of like three months, but you live and you learn, you know? And yeah. So while being in Maine, like I had, had so many opportunities to advocate for The people who are struggling with substance use in like the unsheltered community and also for the L G B T youth. I've on a couple, I've been on a couple panels for trans rights advocacy. I've spoken at the sa state House for A couple of bills that have been passed to help sustain recovery centers. Currently I'm the recovery coach coordinator at our local peer run recovery center. And life is, life is really good today. Like I work a program of Crystal Meth Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. I work with my sponsor, I sponsor people in the program, and that's, yeah, that's kinda where I'm at with that. So

Steve: 10:51

That's so awesome and thank you so much for sharing all that. I, I know especially with having. Someone say, you know, at that time, looking up to you was like such a, a negative connotation with all the progress that you've made. If someone said that to you today that they wanna grow up to be just like you, would you take that

Kole: 11:07

differently? Oh yeah, for sure. I would be like, well actually I'd probably give the advice of just saying, I want you to be better than me. Mm. Right. And just like always strive to do the very best that people can do.

Steve: 11:18

Yeah. And with all these blessings, what would you say are, are one or two of your favorite parts of being sober?

Kole: 11:24

Mm. That is a great question. There's so many probably being able to just be present for things. Mm-hmm. Right. Like perfect example was today it's, it was a beautiful day, high seventies, and left my phone in my office and just sat outside and just like absorbed all of the sunlight and just like the mid-spring summer vibes, like just being present. Mm-hmm. And because I've. Was always running on a hundred miles an hour in active use. Right. And I just couldn't slow down. So like slowing down and breathing and just being still, it's probably the best thing if that recovery's given me.

Steve: 12:01

Yeah. And we met by talking about the sex panel at this year's gsm, so I already know. But again, for the listeners, talk about how your sexuality and gender identity have like evolved and grown. In recovery and how you've navigated that. So much changes at once.

Kole: 12:20

Yeah, it, and it was a lot of changes at once. Testosterone definitely got me a little confused for a minute. All my hormones were out of whack and I was like, wow, I'm kind of attracted to dudes now. This is interesting. Mm-hmm. And talking with my therapist about it and just kind of figuring out and like dialing in where I stand in the world. It just kind of meant, or just for me at least, just let me be more authentic with people and like show up and love people and be, have like filled really meaningful relationships and not have, like, I don't have to use my body for like a fetish or for personal gain or whatever the circumstance may be. But I, I can be authentic with people and people can respect and like reciprocate the emotions on that.

Steve: 13:04

Yeah. Perfect. And when speaking to a newcomer, what kind of advice would you normally give?

Kole: 13:11

Take all the fucking suggestions, even if you don't like them. Cause I, my sponsor told me, don't date in your first, like, don't date in your first 12 months of recovery. And I told her to fuck off. Like, I, I'm codependent high. Like I, I need that love. But I, I gave it a good. Probably four months or so and it bit me in the ass right after. So when you're when people are giving you suggestions, they're giving it based on their own experience. So just kind of bite the, bite your tongue and just listen to it, for sure. Mm-hmm. Yeah,

Steve: 13:42

that can be very hard. I remember my first couple meetings I was like, well, I'm gonna skip that step and nope, not never gonna do that, ever. And it all changes, like as you start going through it all.

Kole: 13:52

Yeah. And speaking of stepping or skipping steps mm-hmm. I. Being egotistical and trying to be cocky in like spiritual guru of. Being only 32 days clean. I shared in a meeting once of like, yeah, I'm just kind of working the steps in my, my own way and I'm actually starting on step 10 and I'm gonna jump back to step four when I'm ready. And this old timer got up there and he looked at me and he is like, you're fucking dumb dude. Like there's a reason they're in order. And just like cross aired and like called me on my shit and I was like, okay, well maybe that's time for me to get a sponsor now. Yeah. There you go.

Steve: 14:27

I love that. That's awesome. And what about for someone who might have longer sobriety but might be feeling like they're in a rut or kind of a slump? How do you get over those moments?

Kole: 14:39

For me, like I. I have this really awesome network of people in recovery that I lean onto. Like I have my queer friends in recovery. I have my straight friends in recovery, got my old timers and like depending any situation that I've found myself or any rut that I found myself in, like there's always someone that can relate in some other way. So by speaking up and like. Talking about it and getting it out of your head because like I'm an overthinker and I will catastrophize and manipulate and justify everything around me. But if I like speak it and someone gives me either unsolicited advice or like an opinion or experience, like I can use that to help me get through my shit, you know? Yeah,

Steve: 15:20

for sure. And no matter how we get sober, we all generally find a lyric, a quote something we live by. Do you have a favorite mantra or phrase?

Kole: 15:31

I knew, and it was from my first sponsor actually. So she always says, when in doubt, don't be an ass hat. Mm-hmm. And now I share that with my sponsorees because, you know, we, at least for me, like I will start living in myself will, and trying to take my control back and do things my way. And it just makes me look at like an ass hat when I have to go my higher power and say, Hey, I fucked up again. Can you, can you unfuck me real quick please? Thanks. Yeah. So just like win everyone doubting. Whatever choices you're making, just don't be an ass out around

Steve: 15:59

it. That is very good advice. And yeah, I think that even people not in recovery could ask themselves that question a little bit more often. Oh, for sure. For sure. And do you have any last words of wisdom or advice for our listeners for

Kole: 16:14

now? You know, Just show up authentic and show up transparent. Life is so short and no matter what situation or circumstance that happens in recovery, whether that's early recovery or longtime sobriety, whatever it looks like, just keep showing up and being authentic and, and really vulnerable with your feelings cuz you're not alone. Like we've. We it, it's a we program, not a ME program. And for so long, like I fought with myself of saying like no one knows what I'm going through. I'm by myself, but with speaking up and sharing my story and like using my voice, like I've reached so many different people that can either have the similar experience or they can relate to the same feelings and just being. And just like builds that connection. Right. And, and you've, everyone's probably heard this, like the opposite of addiction is connection and that that rings so true because without speaking up and like being vulnerable with each other, like we wouldn't be here.

Steve: 17:13

Yeah, no, it, it resonates a lot for me cuz I was always like so lonely. Even no matter how many people I was around, I was always lonely and, you know, I don't feel that way anymore and I, you know, my sobriety and my recovery's a big part of that. So Thank you so much. And you mentioned your love for TikTok. Do you have a TikTok or Instagram or any apps that you wanna share for listeners who might wanna find you? Absolutely.

Kole: 17:38

It's Cole with a k, Cole Taylor at 57. So Cole Taylor, 57.

Steve: 17:43

All right. I'll need to go on and follow you right after this. And listeners, you should as well. While you're at it, you can also follow this podcast on Instagram at Gay Podcast. Stick around on our Patreon page for a post show where Cole and I are gonna talk more about his experiences in recovery. I meanwhile, if you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying, hi, I'm an email away at gayapadcast@gmail.com. And one more time. Thank you so much, Cole. It was a pleasure.

Kole: 18:15

Oh, pleasures online. Thank you so much for having me

Steve: 18:17

again. Yes, and listeners, I'll see you next Thursday.

18:20

Bye.