Overcoming Obstacles ft. Joey B

Steve welcomes back Joey B from Rainbow Hill Recovery to discuss Overcoming Obstacles, as well as all the new exciting work he's been up to since our first episode.  (He was on Episode 15 if you want to go back and check it out first!)

Obstacles we discuss overcoming include:

• Learning to accept and love our sexuality
• Letting go of resents related to sexual abuse
• Coping with social anxiety
• Putting ourselves in dangerous situations
• Working with your partner/spouse
• And more, including the obstacles related to opening the amazing Rainbow Hill Sober Living AND Rainbow Hill Recovery!

Check out all things Rainbow Hill below:

• Website- www.rainbowhillsoberliving.com and www.rainbowhillrecovery.com
• Facebook- search both Rainbow Hill Sober Living and Rainbow Hill Recovery by name
• Instagram- @joeybachrach, @rainbowhillsoberliving, @rainbowhillrecovery, and @biglittlebow

Head on over to our Patreon page for a post-show where Joey and Steve discuss their favorite things!

Until next time, stay sober friends!

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcoming back Joey!
• 2:40 Overcoming Early Obstacles
• 7:00 Overcoming Obstacles in Addiction
• 10:45 Overcoming Obstacles in Recovery
• 13:45 Rainbow Hill Recovery
• 17:22 Parting Advice

Transcript

Steve: 0:03

Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-martin. I am an alcoholic and addict, and I am grateful for our upcoming a hundred and 50th episode. As of this recording, I am 774 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest back to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. This sober queer is returning to the podcast after being one of my first guests way, way back in the day to discuss the topic. Overcoming obstacles. Welcome back, Joey.

Joey: 0:34

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Steve. It's nice to be back. Thank you for asking and I look forward to having the opportunity to share what we've been up to over the last two and a half years. It's been a minute.

Steve: 0:44

Yes, and I was a little baby podcaster and a little baby sober person when we first were, were talking so many of our, like the longtime listeners will remember you, but why don't you reintroduce yourself to people who might have tuned in later in the game. Yeah, so

Joey: 1:00

I'm Joey Brock. I am a proud alcoholic and I wear my sobriety on my sleeve. And when we first were on your show, we were only a standalone sober living called Rainbow Hill Sober Living. And since then we recently opened Rainbow Hill Recovery, which is an intensive outpatient program for members for community who are struggling and looking to get their lives back on track.

Steve: 1:22

That is fabulous and I can't wait to hear more. Yeah, we've been busy about that. Yes. Well, I figure that you can't make something huge like that happen without overcoming some obstacles. So that's why I kind of suggested this as a topic. But how does that speak to you?

Joey: 1:38

Yeah. That's a really good question. And I think the main obstacle that we've had to overcome, but it's also been our strength, is that we have stayed true to who we are from the beginning. It's just been myself and now my now husband Andrew Fox. At the time we were, we were boyfriends and when, when I was interviewed by you two and a half years ago, and then we were engaged and now we are married but we haven't. We haven't changed who we are from the core. So it's been the two of us and we don't waiver from what our morals are. And we found out pretty quickly that there are a lot of flop houses out there and they give sober livings a terrible name. So what we are constantly trying to fight is making it, you know, this is what a sober living is, this is what it is not, and differentiating those flop houses from a good house. Yeah,

Steve: 2:33

excellent. Makes my blood boil.

Joey: 2:34

There's a lot to talk about there and a lot

Steve: 2:36

to unpack. Yes. Well we will certainly get to that. I know that I was excited for this topic personally, cuz I was reminded recently at the Gay Sober men's conference I attended in New York that like so much of my recovery has been online or virtual or Zoom. Cuz I'm like a Zoom baby, you know, got sober during C O V I D that my home group's on Zoom, nightly. So I don't really do in-person meetings or in-person groups and I almost forgot that I don't do well in large group cuz I get anxiety and it just made me uncomfortable the entire weekend. Like it could have been this amazing experience that I like, let myself get in my head because of it. So I figured I could talk about how to overcome and tackle that. I like it. Now, what would you say, going back to your childhood was one of the biggest obstacles or one of the first obstacles that you really had to face?

Joey: 3:27

Well, I am not unique or special when it comes to, you know, being gay. Mm-hmm. Thankfully, I grew up in Los Angeles, California and when I did come out, my friends were very welcoming and it wasn't anything too scary for me personally but definitely in the school setting with the people who were not my friends, and I don't know how many people out there my excuse used to be, oh, I'm Metro, or I'm metro. Sexual. That was a big thing back in middle school. So I, I think it was probably my sexuality that was the hardest to overcome. But then once I did it was just who I am. And my friends, I have great friends and high school who I'm still friends with today. So, yeah.

Steve: 4:09

What, what would you say changed or when did it flip from being something that you were struggling with to something you overcame and felt comfortable with?

Joey: 4:16

Well, I think to answer that quickly and honestly, I graduated high school early, so it was right after my sophomore year. And I came out to my friends when I got back from a trip that I was at in Israel where I was unfortunately yanked out of the closet. Mm-hmm. And when I got back to the States, that's when a lot of my friends and family found out. But I no longer went to that school, so it was totally fine. Yeah. So I just avoid it.

Steve: 4:42

Yeah. And I mean, I know that I can relate to obstacles being young, and also not alone I've learned in these rooms, but like when I was younger, I was molested by a family member and that was something that the family didn't talk about and I was basically told to shut down and keep to myself. And so it wasn't so much that it was something I was overcoming on the outside. It's that I put it away in the closet and didn't even deal with it for the longest time. So I would say that. I had to learn like coping skills, some healthy and some unhealthy, which later turned to addictions. But at the same time I only really started processing it in recovery, like fully as to overcoming it where I'm not like actively holding onto resentments and things like that. So it's been a journey and I'm not fully overcoming it yet, but I'm a lot further than I was a couple years ago.

Joey: 5:27

Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're gonna take it there, that deep something that I've been very vocal with with some of the residents at our home is that I was raped when I was 13 by a security guard at a movie theater. Mm-hmm. Which led me to having an eating disorder and cutting. And I have done all of those. Horrible things that I thought was healthy for me to cope. Mm-hmm. And I didn't really address it until after I got sober. Yeah. Into my early adulthood. And although I would never wish it upon my worst enemy, it is something that I have been able to relate to on some of our residents on a deeper level of speaking from personal experience. But I wouldn't have changed what happened because I'm able to share it, if that makes sense. And people's like, oh, why would you? Not want that to have happened. I said, well, yeah, it's traumatic and awful. Mm-hmm. But I understand what some of our clients are going through and it's so like, you can't say I know what you're going through unless you've actually been there. So, yeah. It's a tricky, touchy subject, but I've been, I've been very vocal about it with some of our guys. So they know I'm, you can talk to and, and

Steve: 6:29

I think that's been part of like the healing for me is like hearing other people share their experiences about it in the rooms. Cuz part of what made it toxic growing up was the fact that you couldn't talk about it was like more shame on top of all the shame that we were naturally feeling being gay or being an addict. And so hearing other people talk about it openly and being able to relate to others has been helping in that healing For sure.

Joey: 6:49

Yeah, so my hands don't clam up anymore when I talk about it. Yeah. It's like my heart go, whew. Yeah. Million miles per hour. But now I just, I'm happy to talk about it freely and openly. Yeah, and

Steve: 7:01

generally our drinking and drug use don't lead to just results of sunshine and rainbows and kittens and have some consequences. What would you say were some of the biggest obstacles you faced during that time? Oh,

Joey: 7:14

wow. Okay. Well, I don't have the prettiest track record when it comes to the wreckage of my past. I think the big one, well the largest obstacles that happened more than once was I would put myself in very, very questionable situations where I would, you know, Except drinks from people I didn't know. I would get drugged, then I would end up in the hospital. It. And I put two and two together and I know exactly what happened if I was in pain the next day. it just things like that. And there was a lot of shame and resentment towards myself, like, why did it happen to me again? Why me? Why me? Why me? But then after one hell of an amazing therapist who I still see to today, I mean, yes, I did put myself in those situations, but no one deserves for that to happen. But what are we gonna do to address that and make sure that it doesn't happen again? And it took a long time for me to realize that, it's because I was the one who decided to pick up and drink and you know, bad things happen. Mm-hmm. It's not a combo. So A lot of therapy.

Steve: 8:21

Yes. the therapy. Definitely a lot of therapy. A lot of therapy. Yes. That actually yeah. Leads to like my next thing, like with more my sponsor, it's like, yeah, you should do some more therapy than I thought. Cuz I thought, when I got sober, I was doing the Zoom therapy as well and it worked for a little bit, but then I was like, I graduated therapy. I'm all better now. I have a sponsor and a program and all that. So two very different, two very different approaches. Yes. It's very different. Yes. Yes. And, I learned that because I would say the biggest obstacle I faced during my drinking and drug use was near the end my husband and I were trying to adopt and we wanted to adopt out of the foster system and like we fell in love with this like 17 year old girl who was about to age out of the system. And it just seemed like this like storybook waiting to be written. And the moment that she moved into our house she basically was like, haha, tricked you and you're stuck with me now. And did everything possible to kind of like test our love or test our patients or how far she can go. Like through like multiple baker acts and issues and after we had to get to the point where it was more than we could handle. Like we were neither one of us qualified. We didn't have the time, like the energy, like the resources, the finances, to deal with all the legal stuff and the school stuff We had to say, we can't finalize it. We can't go through and sign for it, like I gave up, like that was when I would say that like I resigned from trying to moderate my drinking and setting all my rules and boundaries that would keep me from going off the deep end to being like, fuck'em all. And I just hit the bottle and you know, through working the steps, I got better, I had this whole drop the rock experience at this roundup that I went to. and I've worked through somewhat of it, but I only realized at the GSM conference there was a question we were doing across the line workshop, we're like, it's all about like how we're together, how we're all different as a group and everyone had to cross the line if they want to, or plan to become a dad or a parent one day and Everyone who crossed the line, like I wasn't getting emotional because I wanted to cross the line, but it was like all that grief of like, I spent my entire life wanting to cross that line, you know, five, six years ago I would've like run across the line and been the first one over there. And now, I had the opposite reaction where I just wanna like run in the other corner and hide. And so I guess I didn't handle everything as well as I thought I did through my first round. So my sponsor was like, yeah, do grief therapists. And I was like, all right. So I'm doing research now. So we'll see how I overcome it later. Well, I have high hopes for you. Thank you. And what would you say has been some of your bigger obstacles in your recovery?

Joey: 10:48

I would say starting to new businesses. Yes. Buying a home with my fiance and well now my husband, but big life things. I wouldn't say so much, maybe my sobriety, but just more of my. Sanity to make sure that I was able to do everything that we needed to do in order to make sure that everything ran as smoothly as possible. And it tests a relationship. thankfully we're, we make one hell of a team. Mm-hmm. So where I fall short, he picks up the slack and vice versa. But it's scary. I don't know if. We touched base on it during our first interview, but we practically put everything on red when we opened the house. Mm-hmm. So it was like, hopefully it sticks. Thankfully it did. And now we're doing the same thing with Rainbow Hill Recovery. And we hope it works out. We have an amazing team. It's a fantastic program and I wish something like this existed when I was getting sober. So. Definitely starting two new businesses and

Steve: 11:51

that that has definitely, and I, I can only imagine, I mean, starting one business, let alone two, but then also doing it with your boyfriend to fiance turned husband. Now, I know that as great as my husband and I are partners in life, once or twice when I was job hunting or trying to fill out options, I was like, maybe I could work. In your company or with you, and the idea was not going to pass he was like, no, that is not a good idea for us. so how has it been like separating the relationship that you have, romantically in your marriage and their work relationship? So

Joey: 12:21

Andrew and I actually have only ever known how to work with each other. Before Rainbow Hill, sober Living and now Rainbow Hill Recovery, we met doing real estate. So we were flipping properties and selling'em and, investing our own money into doing that and then putting it all on rent. So, we are risk takers. Okay. And, that that was something that was very important to us to share with all of our Rainbow Hill family. That's what we refer to one another who work with us. That, it's important for everyone to know that we make one hell of a team. And really the only thing we bicker about it sounds crazy, is me not wanting to do the dishes. Mm-hmm. So we work really well

Steve: 13:01

together. Yeah. That's awesome and good to hear. And I can relate because. I mean, I had been drinking at the time, but I was crying one night during dishes, and my husband's like, I'll do dishes forever if you just never have to cry during dishes again. And so now I cook and he does dishes. But yeah, now I sound like a princess and I'm like, no, I don't do dishes. No, I, you know, I

Joey: 13:20

wish I could cook so I can pick up the slack when it comes to that. I am a horrible cook. I know how to make a good grilled cheese sandwich, bagels, cookies, cheese, and locks and macaroni. So, my options are limited when it comes to

Steve: 13:34

offering food. Yeah. And tell us more about Rainbow Hill Recovery and what that's shaping up to look like and all the fun details.

Joey: 13:45

We are in our fourth week. We opened June 12th of this year and it was quite a process and how we ended up getting to where we are today was the house was doing really well and we were in the process of purchasing another house to expand and we were in escrow for another home, and the house was done with. No permits. So the city placed a lien on it, so we needed to pull out. And then there was another house that was absolutely adorable but the agent was not the nicest of characters and decided to double end. And that's a whole other. Conversation, but basically we're like, okay, well what do we do now? And interest rates were starting to go up. And he and I looked at each other and we're like, you know what, maybe this just pushes up our timeline. So let's start looking into commercial space and see what we need to do in order to open up a treatment center. And we found this specific place in In January, but it took two months of negotiations going back and forth, so we didn't get the lease until March. And then from then there was so many steps that needed to happen before we were officially be like able to open. We needed to completely renovate the place, decorate. I mean, right now we're in my office and it's red and very similar to the house. Each office is a different color, so So that's how we got to where we are today with getting the space. But a little bit more about our program is we have our chief clinical officer and clinical director, Betsy Spear, who has 30 years of invaluable experience leading programs like this. And she specializes in addiction and she has a method that she's gonna be teaching our clients, which is called experiential therapy. And one, hopefully she can actually be on your show. She's sober, so she has a wealth of knowledge. A majority of our staff is L G B T, which is amazing. So it's very queer. And unlike the house which is L G B T men, we are doing the whole spectrum. So if you are a trans woman, non-binary, lesbian, bisexual, intersex, we're here. So it's great. So,

Steve: 15:56

yeah, I'm very excited about that. That's awesome. And I know that especially when I was considering recovery or sobriety, what that looks like, and even now, cuz I didn't go through it myself, there's like a lot of kind of mysticism about like what goes on in programs like yours. Can you tell us more about what the average kind of stay for a client

Joey: 16:14

Okay. Are you referring to the I O P or are you referring to the house?

Steve: 16:18

The I O P, cuz I know that hopefully everyone's like, oh, I remember. And I wanna go back and listen to the last episode. So I'll leave over to that and looks

Joey: 16:26

great. What's great about our home mm-hmm. And our program is that we cannot stress it enough that Rainbow Hill Sober living is going to remain unattached to Rainbow Hill Recovery. Okay. And the reason for that, there's a lot of stuff that goes on with other programs that. Literally makes my blood boil. But we want our home to be separate so our residents can stay as long as they want, as long as they're sober, they're actively working a program, they're employed and they don't have a clock. Mm-hmm. So to speak. So some programs are just like, oh, your insurance is done, you gotta go. And then what are they supposed to do? Yeah. And then for the clients who are at the I O P program, depending on what our medical director and clinical director think would be an appropriate length of time, that's how long somebody would be in program for. So it could be a month, it could be a two, it could be three. It really varies on the individual. Okay.

Steve: 17:21

All right. And overall, what kind of tips or tools do you find yourself using to get yourself through whether they be big or small challenges or obstacles, things you do to help you?

Joey: 17:35

I think my biggest tool, mm-hmm. Is making sure that my side of the road is clean. Mm-hmm. Being able to sleep at night with a smile on my face. Someone may not have to agree with me. I can't control other people's thoughts or actions. I only can control how I respond and what, you know, what I know to be my truth. Yeah. And that's something That's helped me a lot. And another tool is knowing I've been very vocal about this as well, is that my altered versions are dormant. Mm-hmm. They're not done. So it may not take a drink, it might not take a week or two a month, however long it is. I mean, drinking will essentially be. My downfall, so it keeps my ass in check. Those alters are not pretty and I do not want them to pop out and say hello, and I don't think a lot of people would either. So

Steve: 18:23

yeah, that, no, that's awesome. And I can certainly relate. Being that I don't always love big groups sometimes, I forget that the best cure for me if I'm struggling is to connect with someone, to reach out to someone. Someone else in recovery or an addict or someone who understands. But, that's normally the thing. Or for me, like evaluating like the hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or like sometimes it's like horny. What do they say? Angsty, like lazy, whatever, they play around with the letters. But any of those like base emotions, like normally if I'm getting stuck on an obstacle I need to stop and kind of figure out what's keeping me from being able to overcome this. Cuz it's normally something that is within myself, I'm learning. Yeah. And

Joey: 19:01

breathing helps. Yes. Surprised.

Steve: 19:04

Just a deep breath. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I learned about ocean breathing at my last meditation experience. That was fun. And my husband does full moon meditation, so I have one of those coming up soon, so I'm breaking in. That's like a good time. Yes. So any final words, thoughts, opinions on overcoming obstacles or advice?

Joey: 19:27

Yes. Something that was shared with me recently is that when something seems too scary to overcome, that you are usually given everything that you need to do it. Mm-hmm. So it's not like, maybe not bringing God into it or anything, but you're, you're more than equipped Yeah. To handle anything that is thrown at you. It's just about focusing on what needs to be taken care of and not psyching yourself out and future tripping. So yes, focusing on

Steve: 19:58

task at hand, that is what I, I spent my entire GSM experience, so it was just like future tripping and I didn't like it. So lesson learned for next is social experiment that I participate in. I like that. And what is something you're looking forward to in the future now that you have Rainbow Hill recovery off the ground running?

Joey: 20:19

Ah, that's a good question. What I am looking forward to is when we start, well, so one of our next goals and dreams is once we start, you know, it's only been a couple of weeks, but we want to open a fourplex. For members of our community that will be trans men, trans women, non-binary individuals, and gays and lesbians. And we can do a fantastic job just like we do at the house because there aren't that many affirming homes out there. So that is my next mission. And then I do have a 5 0 1 C three nonprofit that's going live soon, which I'm very excited about, called Big Little Bs. Mm-hmm. And it's a mentorship program for 15 to 17 year olds to be mentored by members of our community who have at least two to three years of sobriety. So you'll have trans men mentoring trans teens, you'll have gay Gay adults mentoring gay teens and the 15 and 17 year olds are all working a program. And selfishly, I came up with it because I would've loved to have somebody like myself to look up to except when I was 17, it wasn't my time. So the main difference is that those who want to be in big little bows already to change the lives of the better. So I'm excited for that. That

Steve: 21:35

is awesome. I love everything that you're doing. If I was on the west coast, I just wanna work for you and follow you and help you with all of these amazing things you're working on. Well move out. We have, we have beautiful weather. Well, well, I'm in Florida. Well, there are downsides to Florida too, but, oh, so you have good weather, but we have the good weather. We just don't have the good politics or the good social situations. And

Joey: 21:55

then with big little bows, it will be national, so

Steve: 21:58

Awesome. Awesome. There will be something for you to do there. All right, sounds good. Or a chapter. All right, well, we'll get into that more later. But in the meantime, how can also everyone find maybe you, and at the very least rainbow Hill, everything. Yeah,

Joey: 22:13

so I, my Instagram handle is at Joey Brock and Rainbow Hill. Sober Living is at Rainbow Hill, sober Living and Rainbow Hill Recovery is at Rainbow Hill Recovery. And then Big Little Bows is at Big Little Bow. Somebody had big little boats.

Steve: 22:29

So I was gonna say you were, you were three for three and then I'm missing, I'm missing an S. Yes. But I will take what I can get. No, and, but that, that makes doing in the show notes very easy. Cause I can remember all of those. So yes, listeners can just swipe up and see all the notes and fo do all the follows. Perfect. All right, we'll stick around cuz we have our post show, which is something new that we didn't do a couple years ago, so we'll have that to look forward to. If you're not a Patreon member yet, you can join the family by heading over to our Patreon page, patreon.com/gay podcast. And we're gonna lighten the mood a bit as we discuss some of our favorite things. Meanwhile, if you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, you can get in touch with me on all the socials at Gay a podcast, and until next time, stay sober. Friends,

23:17

I.