Celebrating Sober ft. Savanna

Steve welcomes back one of his sober besties, Savanna, to discuss learning to celebrate sober. Topics covered include:

• What celebrating looks like for us before recovery.
• How we got through our first year or so of celebrating firsts.
• What celebrating looks like to us today.
• Tips for celebrating and finding happiness in recovery
• And much more!

Check out our Patreon page for our Post-Show, now featuring video and the Topic Wheel and follow us wherever you are listening to get new episodes every Thursday!

Follow Savanna at @luccimamas and us @gayapodast on Tik-Tok and @savannadanna and @gayapodcast on Instagram.

Until next time, stay sober friends!

Transcript

Steve: 0:03

Hi everyone, and welcome to gAy A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBTQ plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-martin. I am an alcoholic and addict, and I'm grateful for the fall of X at this week's Hellfire gala. And for anyone listening that's not a giant nerd like me, that's X-Men comics lingo. As of this recording, I am 788 days sober, and today we are welcoming back one of my sober besties Savanna to talk about celebrating sober. Welcome back. Thank

Savanna: 0:32

you so much for having me back and congratulations on your day count. I had to check mine. I feel like mine is going so slow right now. I'm at 939, but I feel like I've been in the nine thirties for like a month.

Steve: 0:45

Yeah, well, you're getting your. Quadruple digits. I had to figure out what the word for four is. Quadruple digits. There you go. Well, out of all the topics in the world, why did you suggest celebrating sober?

Savanna: 0:59

I chose celebrating sober because my birthday's coming up in 13 days from today. And I haven't really celebrated my birthday since I've been sober. My first sober birthday was kind of like every other birthday. I still ended up passing out because I ate a bunch of sugar. Mm-hmm. And ended up a sugar comb and slept through the day. And then last year I felt a little better, and my wife asked me what I wanted to do last year, and I just, Wanted to do nothing. Mm-hmm. Which is what I did Exactly. And so this year, going into my third sober birthday, I actually feel like doing something this year, you know, like outside of my house. So we're planning a trip to Chicago to see some AA fellows out there for my birthday.

Steve: 1:52

Excellent. Yeah. Well, I love the idea of it and I jumped right at the bit because I recently had an experience out where it wasn't a full on celebration, but it reminded me of just how much time I would spend when I was out doing anything, thinking about or focusing on alcohol and how present that was and how much of a part that played in my celebrations. I mean, what was celebrating like for you during your active addictions?

Savanna: 2:17

It was for my birthday. It was a month long, just booze filled. Extravaganza until that last week of my birthday.'cause my birthday is on August the seventh. So from the first until the seventh, it was drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. And then the fifth, sixth, and seventh would drink and maybe something else, you know? And then on the seventh it was just a complete and utter shit show. I would either have a party and be missing half of the night. I would go out and don't remember getting home. Just totally embarrassing myself. And I know my last birthday before I got sober for the 4th of July, I had gotten really drunk and I had told my wife, no, I'm fine. I don't have a problem. I'm not gonna drink for the rest of the month. You know, and I didn't, but I was white knuckling it the whole time. It was like I didn't go anywhere. And I still hadn't admitted to being an alcoholic or even thought I was an alcoholic or anything like that. I mean, deep down in my heart, I think we all know that we're alcoholics, but I just was not in a place where I wanted to admit it yet. And so, I didn't drink. My birthday rolls around and I had told everybody beforehand you know, I think I'm gonna take it easy. Do this birthday. I was having dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant and I was like, I don't know if I'm gonna drink. If I do, I'm just gonna have one. And as soon as we got to the restaurant after I had just said I wasn't gonna drink, I ordered a pitch of margaritas. Mm-hmm. And then, It was just business as usual for the rest of the night. Any birthday money that I had gotten at that dinner I spent before I even got home, and then ended up spending more of my money that I don't even remember spending because I was doing shots once we left the restaurant and went to a bar after that. So the next day, The day after my birthday my foot was swollen.'cause I'm pretty sure I fell. I think I fractured my foot. My glasses, my sombrero was in somebody else's car. I was missing a few items. And even then, even then, I didn't think I had a problem. I just thought to myself, oh, it's my birthday. Mm-hmm. So no big deal. That's what you do on your birthday. There's the few days that I was allowed to get just obliterated. It was my birthday, it was New Year's and I'm pretty sure I had one other in there somewhere that I would have an excuse to drink for. But after that birthday, it's kinda when I was starting. To think, okay, there's a pattern here. Yeah. You know? And by Christmas mm-hmm. I had already drank through all the other holidays in between Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, ruined Christmas, got sober on December 28th. So,

Steve: 5:38

Yeah, and I mean, I can certainly relate. I didn't have as much in my like twenties and thirties, a birthday celebration. I had this weird thing growing up where I was convinced that I was living the Truman Show, like the movie came out when I was like 12 or 13. And that was just the point where my ego was swelling and I lived enough of a sheltered life where I was like, that's what's happening to me. And I remember in my teens having a couple like years where like everything I planned for my birthday went so horrible. And I had just such horrible luck where I was like, well, the producers don't want me to have a good birthday. And I guess that was my way of like having a higher power God at the time. But I was like, I'm not just not supposed to celebrate my birthday. So during my twenties and thirties, I didn't really celebrate my my birthday much, but I know that. Any other like celebration. I was like the guy in the corner with the chalkboard in my mind, trying to figure out the perfect formula for me to be able to like have the right amount of alcohol to be able to enjoy the event more because of the alcohol without having the alcohol take over the event. I never solved this equation despite years of trying, but just the amount of time where I wasn't able to Remember a lot of like what was happening around me or the conversations that we're having.'cause in my mind, my wheels were spinning of, well, I can't go to the bathroom to sneak drinks yet because I only went to the bathroom half an hour ago. So my husband will know something's up if I'm going too frequently. So I need to figure out like how else I can get him to leave so that I could sneak a drink or so that I can leave. And it's just so much that I was never really like there. And so it definitely has been an adjustment. Learning what celebrating means sober. But I know that you were talking about how the end ended around the holidays for you before entering recovery, I mean, starting a new year basically. What was that first year of celebrating like for you? How did you celebrate and get through those different holidays and birthdays?

Savanna: 7:27

My first year of sobriety, I had to learn how to celebrate. So yes, I got sober on the 28th and I had a function to go to on the 31st. Like as soon as the ball dropped, I left. Mm-hmm. I packed up my family. I was like, all right, well thanks. And I left. And actually that night I told our older kids my older boys that I was sober, that I, had decided to not drink anymore. And, they thought it was something that they had did'cause there, towards the end, they started making fun of me for my drinking. so they thought that they had roasted me too hard and made me, you know, not wanna drink anymore. But, I explained it had nothing to do with them. It was weird that first year because after Christmas, new Year's, St. Patrick's Day, my birthday, summer, 4th of July, anything was a reason to drink. But I was in school things were going well and I had a lot of good things going for me in, in that early part of sobriety. But I felt like I couldn't express myself, you know what I mean? it was really weird. I felt like I should be really happy and excited, but I didn't, I just felt miserable and I felt like an imposter, and I felt like all these things, and I was in meetings and I was talking about it, and because I couldn't explain it. I'm like, okay, I'm sober now and I'm doing these things that they said I would do in sobriety. Like why am I so miserable? And it took one of the other people in the meeting, they were like, you know, I've been watching you and your journey. And he said, I bet before when good things used to happen to you, what did you used to do? And he said, you probably used to drink, right? And I said, yeah. He goes, well, what do you do now? And I didn't think about that. You know what, what do I do now to celebrate? You know? So like I didn't put the two and two with my sobriety and celebrating or thinking that I could celebrate without alcohol. Now I was celebrating when I, when I got those milestones, you know, when you get those coins and your day count, you celebrate, but like, It's one thing when you're in this room with all these other people that are doing the same things that you're doing, you know, in recovery, because we're all celebrating each other. But when you're out in the world, you know, you don't have that, how do I wanna say it? You don't have that. I mean, I guess you do have that community out there, but it's not like it is in the rooms. Mm-hmm. You know, so, but once he pointed that out to me, I was like, oh my God, you're, you're so right. And that's when it got to be, I started sharing those milestones more with everybody around me. Like, oh yeah, I did this and I did that. And I was like, yes. You know, I wasn't like, oh, okay. Yeah. Oh man. Got through that, you know, it's like, yes. Like I got through it. Like this is a big deal. Yeah. You know, especially like when you do start sharing that with people in the room and, and they tell you what they went through and their struggles and stuff, and it's like everything you get through in that first year should be a celebration. Mm-hmm. And you should be able to just be like, yes, yes, yes. I've left the house today. I went somewhere, you know, I wrote a paper and or whatever, whatever it is, like celebrating without alcohol can be done. And I've learned that and I actually enjoy celebrating now. I feel a lot more comfortable celebrating now.

Steve: 11:18

Yeah, I can definitely understand. I could do better with celebrating the smaller things. I'm always like my biggest critic to everything that I do. It always could have been done better if I had just had the power to manipulate time or have like, perspective in advance and that that's not how it works. Even my review at work last week, my boss was like, you roasted yourself on yourself review. And, I thought I was being honest. He's like, no, you were. Way better than you think you are. So that's good to hear. But I mean, I wouldn't even say like I celebrate in much outside of like recovery related things. I did the celebrations in the rooms and I always love celebrating other people more than I love celebrating myself, but in terms of the life outside of the rooms, I didn't really celebrate the holidays or my birthday. It was like about getting through it and learning how to do this thing without. Drinking or having to resort to that. So I knew it was about using all the tools of the program to be able to get through these celebrations, but I wasn't celebrating them. I was surviving them. I mean, it certainly helped having the tools in place of like talking to fellows beforehand. I mean like I'm nervous about this and holding myself accountable to check in with them afterwards and knowing when to leave. I love that our home group was at 9:00 PM because at family functions like at 8 15, 8 20 now, they look at their watch and like, you gotta go. And sometimes I like, don't even need to go to a meeting, but I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do. Gotta go. So, it's great having people around that have been really supportive of my recovery to get me through that. But it was really only in the second year where I'm celebrating things and being present in the moment more, which is definitely nice. I mean, what does celebrating look like for you today?

Savanna: 12:58

Celebrating for me today means I can stay somewhere like I actually wanna go. You and I got sober on Zoom. Mm-hmm. So a lot of times I just wouldn't go anywhere, you know, like how you had just talked about just surviving and stuff. The first year got through all that and then December hit again. And it was like I was graduating from school. I was getting my first year of of sobriety. And here was Christmas again and, I thought I was gonna get to New Year's and just be like, okay, got this year's sobriety. I did it and then something was gonna click in my brain and I was gonna be like, okay, I got this. I'm back out. I'm ready now. But that wasn't the case. It was like I, I fell in, I fell more in love with this program. Mm-hmm. And after that first year and getting some footing under myself and having such great support.'cause you know, we did have, we do have, you know, a good meeting and a good community and whatnot. I know everybody says, or no, maybe not everybody, but I know for me, I feel like when I got sober, And I got to the mustard seed and I met you and all these other wonderful people. It was just like a new foundation. Mm-hmm. For me in sobriety, you know, like having so many people that were around the same time as I were, you know, that I had in sobriety, like either a couple years, a couple months, and then having people underneath me. By a couple months and whatnot. It was just this amazing dynamic of how we all supported each other and managed to stay sober and how we're all connected. I don't even know, I can't think of how many times that like I've gotten calls from a fellow. I'm either in mid-tier or trying to hold it together, and then somebody calls and I'm just kinda like, Yeah. You know, and then it's like after you get talked off the cliff, then you can talk about like the good stuff. And now going into my third year of sobriety, I'll have three years in December, God willing. And going into my third year, I feel. I feel balanced, I guess, you know this past December was pretty rough because, you know, when I was on the show before we talked about me being in nursing school and everything like that, I started my first semester and I failed. Mm-hmm. By three points. So you talk about celebrating, I had to learn how to deal with devastation. In sobriety, you know, that was the first thing that I failed in sobriety, you know, and, and it was all because I, ego, ego, ego, ego, you know, I was offered the help. I refused to take it until it was too late. You know, I was, they were like, oh, well, you know, you're an older learner, so maybe you should, you know, have these accommodations. And I was like, I don't need those accommodations. I'm sober now. I needed those accommodations. You know, like once I got towards the end of the semester and I had those accommodations, you know, it really helped and it was a good thing to have. But unfortunately by then, Everything was so contingent on my final exam and I just kind of got in the way on myself and I missed it by three points. So, but that's okay because thankfully I got back into the program, so I was able to celebrate that. And I go, I start back in August and I'm definitely humbled this time around. And I thought that, Ego was saying, oh, I got this in regards to drinking. I didn't realize how much ego was important in just your normal day-to-day stuff. You know, not just in staying sober, but keeping you balanced and grounded. Yeah. Well,

Steve: 17:24

I am glad that you did not fail. You just have not reached your finish line yet, but you are still on track to finish that nursing race. You're gonna make a great nurse one

Savanna: 17:34

day. Thank you. I like the way that you, you said that. I appreciate that. Yeah. And,

Steve: 17:40

and one thing also, I don't know if you've experienced this,'cause I know you also DJ and go to big group events where I was never a group person, but I used to kind of identify, celebrating, was trying to find as many people around me to be there as possible because the more bodies equaled more fun or more celebration, I remember Scratching my brain thinking of who to invite to these different parties of people that I knew were friends of friends, just because I needed bodies there.'cause I thought that more people meant that it would be a better celebration. And there's the past year for than we did a Friendsgiving with our for friends for Thanksgiving where it was the eight of us and it was four couples and we each did like a little potluck. And it was like beautiful.'cause rather than being with a hundred people who, the only thing we have in common is that we're all alone. You know? I was with a group of people who love me and love each other and we were all kind of like our own little family. And just celebrating with that just to so much more meaningful than any celebrating I did during my active addiction.

Savanna: 18:38

Oh yeah. That, that I, I had a balance of both of that. Like, I was okay with being, I feel like I drank more. If I was like in a bigger crowd setting, because believe it or not, I do get nervous. Mm-hmm. I didn't get nervous in small crowds too, which I never thought for a minute. Once I got sober, I thought maybe I wasn't as outgoing as I thought I was. Yeah. Like it was like, okay, was alcohol really the reason why I was so outgoing and stuff, but like now that. I have some sobriety I'm finding out like, man, I'm actually really funny. Like, okay, maybe I am okay. You are really funny. And it's, it's, it's weird. It's like finding, it's like rediscovering yourself, you know, like having to find new confidence and stuff. So it's just been, it's been amazing and it's been really, really weird because I know that they say that. I can't, I can't remember if it was in a big book or if I heard it or if I read it somewhere how they I read that, and this is a quote, so don't come after me and if it's wrong, whatever. But something about when you finally start, stop drinking, your brain kind of goes back to where you were when you started drinking. Yeah. And. I started drinking. He like black. I've been a blackout drunk since I was like 17. Like I the summer I, I started working at this amusement park and started drinking in June of 1997 and I was 17 and I didn't turn 18 until August. And so basically I've been a blackout drunk since 1997. And so, Getting alcohol free, like I do find myself being a little bit more silly and, you know, experiencing things a little bit different. We just came back from Chicago and that was my first sober trip to Chicago. Oh, I've been to Chicago so many times over the years and ugh, such a shit show. So many like. Drunken this and that and, and so forth. And to actually go and do some things. Things that I've never done before. I've never been to Riverwalk. All the times that I had been to Chicago, I'd never gone down to the river. My trips consisted of bars, restaurants, alcohol, flasks, being in Millennium Park, drunk, like wherever the booze were. That's where I was. You know, and this trip we went downtown to the li, you know, the main library. That was cool. Like I said, we did River Walk. I was able to manage the trains and stuff like that, like being aware. We went and saw Beyonce. That was like the, I mean, I've been to concerts and sobriety, but like soldiers feel this huge. Yeah. And I couldn't imagine being like, Hammered there, you know, and not being able to get back to where I needed to be in that huge crowd of people. So even though I'm almost at three years, I still like have so much celebrating to do. I'm so sorry. They are so loud. Oh, it,

Steve: 22:05

it'll filter out. You're good.

Savanna: 22:07

Okay. But like, what, what What are you your birthday's coming up, right? Yeah, my

Steve: 22:14

birthday's in August as well. I am a Leo on the 19th, and so I don't know what I'm doing. I, I think that like my husband and I are gonna plan like a getaway because his birthday's in the end of September, so we're gonna do like early September, kind of a getaway weekend somewhere. We were thinking of like finding like the most like creative unique, like Airbnb in Florida. So it's like still close by, but a couple hours away to just get away for the weekend with Remy. So we might do that. But yeah, I, again, it's just more about who I'm spending time with now more so than like what it is that I'm doing but also just like learning how to celebrate the smaller things is important. Do you have any advice for people struggling to celebrate sober?

Savanna: 22:57

I. It doesn't have to be something huge in order for it to be a celebration. Mm-hmm. Like celebrate the fact that, hey, I got through the week. You know celebrate the fact that maybe you did something that you didn't think you could do before, or you did something sober for the first time that you had done drunk like a thousand times. You know, like for me, I still count days. I don't know. There's something about counting days that just brings me joy, like even if I don't check my day count every day, like just seeing those days, like, wow, I stayed sober for that many days. Mm-hmm. Like three years That seems, I don't know, years to me, doesn't really like compute in my brain as seeing the days. Yeah.

Steve: 23:52

You know, because years of years is more abstract almost.

Savanna: 23:55

Right, right. Like when I think years, I'm thinking two and a half. That's like two and one half. Yeah. But like when I think days, there's 939 of those. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or like, or weeks or whatever. I don't know. But I just, I really enjoy counting days and I don't know. I would suggest, I, I, I guess suggest, I would suggest, but it just worked for me. Maybe I won't suggest, but I'm just saying like, that worked for me and, and being open about my sobriety. I think I posted my sobriety on my TikTok first. Mm-hmm. And then once I felt comfortable posting about it there, then that moved over to my Facebook. Then and then now I try, I'm that person that's trying really hard not to tell people right away that I'm sober. Yeah. Like nobody asked, you know, but like, I'm just, I'm so happy to be sober. And it's like, if you knew where I, where I was and what I came from and, and, and how happy and excited I. I am to be here, then you would understand. I'm telling you, Steve, I'm telling you right now, from the deaths of my heart and in my soul, I know for a fact that after Covid, if once everything opened back up fully and I would've got, and I would've started DJing again like I was before Covid. Mm-hmm. I would either, I wouldn't be sitting here right now. Yeah. I wouldn't

Steve: 25:31

be sitting here either. If I

Savanna: 25:32

didn't get sober when I didn't, I'd be in jail. You know what I'm saying? Like I was, I was at there and not saying that like, you know, the good Lord could take me at any time. So like, I'm ready to go if I have, but I know if I have to go outta here tomorrow, I'm gonna go outta here sober.

Steve: 25:49

Yes. Well, hopefully you don't go out of here tomorrow.

Savanna: 25:51

No, no, no, no, no, no. We're not, we're not putting,

Steve: 25:53

so yeah, I was gonna, so, so let's look ahead.

Savanna: 25:55

No, no, but like, I'm just saying that like if I, I wouldn't have, if I wouldn't have gotten sober when I did, I'm pretty sure that like, All those yets Yeah. That we talk about. Were were

Steve: 26:07

there. Were on the way. Yeah. And what are you looking forward to now that you are sober and have all this great life ahead of you? Hopefully

Savanna: 26:16

just remembering like these moments. You know, and just being present, like I have so many things that I just don't remember. Like friends will be like, oh, remember when we, I had this trip that me and my friend took to Canada in my brain from like years ago. In my brain, it was only me and her. Come to find out, there were like two other people with us. I totally forgot about it. That's one of the things that I've really enjoyed is like doing things and remembering and you know, and like having a mental picture of how much fun that I had and like reliving that and then just absolutely loving it. Yeah, I

Steve: 27:01

can relate.'cause I talk with my like best friend from high school and she's like, do you remember so and so? And I was like, who? And they're like, they were in every class of ours for four years in high school. I'm like, Nope. Did? No, I don't. I don't think so. She's like, check your yearbook. I'm like, I lost that like eight moves ago.

Savanna: 27:20

Oh, remember that time when

Steve: 27:21

No, no, I don't. Yeah, I joke.'cause living, like working in senior living, I'm just like, my husband's gonna have this nice assisted living apartment and I'm gonna have this nice memory care unit down the hall where he can visit me with all my other memory care residents. But yeah, I, I mean there's definitely a lot to look forward to. I definitely think that celebrating the smaller things can be a good advice for anyone.

Savanna: 27:47

Yeah. And early on, start celebrating those victories early on. Mm-hmm. You know, so,'cause it keeps you

Steve: 27:54

going. Excellent. Well, also, one way to celebrate is giving you a follow on your socials because you're full of positivity. How can our listeners find you?

Savanna: 28:04

You can find me on TikTok at Lucci Mamas and on Instagram. I'm Savannah Danna, and yeah, that's how you find me.

Steve: 28:14

Excellent. And while you're on TikTok listeners, you can now also add gay podcasts because I made a TikTok. Finally, let's hope it goes better than my Twitter page, which has my one trailer post from years ago. I

Savanna: 28:28

dunno. I got kicked off of Twitter for, I don't even know what I did. Like

Steve: 28:32

I apparently I'm, my husband says I'm not missing anything on Twitter nowadays anyway.

Savanna: 28:36

I can't, you know, if they went through all of my posts from like when I was drinking like years ago when Twitter first started, then yeah, I probably deserved to get through. Yeah,

Steve: 28:46

there were some years in my timeline history on Facebook. I had to disable just because I don't need to see that and no one else does either. But yes, anyway. Thank you Listeners feel free to head on over to our Patreon page as Savannah and I test out this new topic wheel that I made and we're gonna test out. You can do that by going over to patreon.com, back slash gay podcast. And before you do, make sure you're following us wherever you're listening right now, so you can get new episodes when they come out every Thursday. Until next time, stay sober friends.