Celebrating 150 Episodes ft. Steve B

Kristen interviews Steve as he reflects back on his first two years of recovery across 150 episodes of this podcast and what living queer and sober means to him today.

Topics touched on include:

• Why reflect and be my own guest now?
• My journey through addiction and into recovery.
• How the podcast and my own recovery have both evolved.
• Learning there's more than one way to stay sober.
• How being 'fucked and insane' is a good thing once you accept it.
• The peace of bringing serenity to you rather than seeking it out.
• And much more!

Support the show by joining our Patreon family, or e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com to say hi!

Transcript

Kristen: 0:03

Hey everybody and welcome to gAy A a podcast about sobriety for the plus community and our allies. I'm your host for today, Kristen. I'm an alcoholic and I am grateful. For my cat Henry, who's sitting right next to me, the fact that the heatwave finally broke in New York City and that I got to host my first ever podcast. As of this recording, I am, oh boy, how many days? 700 and I think 91 days sober. And if you're wondering where Steve is he's right here with me. Ready for me to turn the table on him as I interview him to celebrate our hundred 50th episode. Hi Steve.

Steve: 0:48

Hi Kristen. Thank you so much for doing this with me. Oh my

0:51

gosh, I am so jazzed to be doing it. So I guess we can start by asking why now? Why are you finally ready to be on the other side of the interview, Mike?

Steve: 1:04

Well, I had the idea around episode 100, but then numbers got confusing and then, A hundred passed and left and I hadn't done it, but I know that I did share a lot in the very early stages of the podcast with audio diary episodes as I was working through steps and figuring out things in the room and learning about traditions.'cause I didn't know that that was a thing when I started a podcast. And it was like, it'll be an unofficial AA podcast. And Now I know the traditions and that that's not how it works. And so what I've loved is being able to expand the podcast and see how it's grown as I've grown in recovery from me trying to figure out what recovery is and what that means to the podcast it is today where I get to interview different people with different types of recovery in the queer community and see what their lives are like while also inviting guests back on to talk about their recovery. But I also realized a lot of our more recent listeners,'cause when I first started those episodes, there were not as many listeners as I have today. So I think a lot of people who might have only tuned in in the past 25 to 50 episodes might not have heard those early rough days. And I'm sure my ideas have evolved since then. Hopefully. So I figured this would be fun. And who else better than you? My sober sibling.

Kristen: 2:16

Yeah, I mean, I'm really excited to do it. I feel for me, every time I tell my story, it gets different and more interesting. So I feel like whatever you say now is gonna be so different from, from those early episodes that everyone should go back and listen to them from episode one in order if they wanna be completist, I'm sure. All right. So I guess we'll start with Steve, what's your favorite part of being sober today?

Steve: 2:41

I would say that it's all the blessings in my life, but mostly that I've learned in my past two and little plus couple months of recovery to appreciate what I have rather than always wanting more. I. Was pretty much born with that addict personality where whatever it is, like if I liked it, I loved it, and I wanted all of it, whether it was candy or books or video games or sex or drugs or alcohol, I always. Wanted more. And with my life I always wanted more. Where it was always I needed to find a husband so that I could get the house, so that I can get the kids, so that I can do this, so that I can ultimately one day be happy with where I am, maybe. But I always was never really living in the present. I always wanted more. And now I've learned that I can appreciate the things that I have thanks to recovery. That's really

Kristen: 3:31

lovely. And I feel like I'm. Still working on having that attitude, but on good days, I definitely do. And what's your favorite part of being queer today and do you feel like sobriety has changed that?

Steve: 3:45

I would say that it's helped me embrace learning that queer is more than just being cis and gay that I was exposed to prior to. There were like the rooms in recovery where I've gotten to meet a lot more people across the lgbtqia plus spectrum and being able to hear other people's experiences and connecting. I always joke that my husbands and I like our two best friends are like two lesbians and we're breaking the stereotype that gay lesbians can't get along. But ultimately in the rooms, we all shatter all of that, and we all come together as a family and I just love that between being sober. After being ashamed of the way that I drank for so long and the fact that I can work in a senior living community where I'm gay as fuck and going to work with rainbow hair. or purple hair or whatever I do, I can wear fake earrings for the day or mascara and all the residents just roll their eyes and giggle and they're like, that's Steve, that I've been able to be embraced for who I am without having to worry about changing it to kind of fit into what society might expect of me. That's really beautiful.

Kristen: 4:52

Yeah, I feel like. That's true for me too, but I don't know that I would've been able to put it quite so elegantly. So that's really lovely. And just so that in case people are, I mean, maybe this will be some people's first ever episode, but maybe some people have just started listening, like you said. Do you wanna just tell our listeners, I feel like such a host when I say our listeners, do you wanna tell our listeners a little bit about what your journey with alcohol and addiction was like?

Steve: 5:19

Sure, I'll try and relate kind of the feelings that I had because I found that for a lot of us, I almost feel like it'd be fun to do like a game of like alcoholic bingo one day where we all get like random bingo cards of like what life might throw at you to turn you into an alcoholic. I mean, I was adopted from birth, so I grew up knowing it and I didn't really have any sort of conscious search of feeling abandoned. I was never looking for my birth family, but It's still, one of my first like memories of what family is, was like, well, my original birth family didn't want me, so now I have this family that does want me. And while I learned to be appreciative of the family that adopted me, it's still, right off the bat someone didn't want me. And I went through life wanting more. I always had those kind of isms of feeling isolated and lonely, even in a crowd or in family gatherings, feeling like I was alone. And different, you know, multiple people growing up would make comments about how I was fancy or other nice way ways of saying what my uncle finally said plainly at one family gathering after too many beers when I was like eight years old. And he is like, that kid's gonna have a dick in his mouth one day. and I heard it and I didn't understand the context, but like, I guess people knew before I did that I was. Different. And, I felt that differentness that I feel like a lot of us can feel. But I know that I would say my first real addiction was sex. Because I found once I hit puberty, I was in the age of the a o l chat rooms where just a quick, like a s l question mark had set you up for the day and for whatever reason it was weird, but it was easier for me to get like guys than it was for me to get alcohol. But then, Once I found alcohol that was like alcohol and sex together and then I found drugs occasionally and I'm so thankful that the first time that I tried crystal meth, it was a bad experience'cause I feel like it was a good experience. That would've been the end for me a lot sooner than it was with just alcohol. But I drank right from the bat. Like my goal, goal or instinct was to drink as much as I possibly can. I never wanted just one. I always wanted as many as I could have. And it got to the point where, In my personal life with my marriage, we had a failed adoption and things were rocky with us because I know a lot of marriages don't survive that type of stuff. And I had kind of gotten the case of the fuck it's with life. And that's when I went from trying to moderate my drinking and trying to make all these rules about, well, I won't drink during work, but I can drink after work.'cause at first it was just on the weekends, but then I had to do my after work drink. And then it was, well if we have happy hours at work, we could drink at three or four. So then it was a matter of finding as many happy hours. And then it was work lunches that we could drink at. And once I got the fuck, its after all of that happened. Personally, I was pouring vodka into my Sprite in the morning for my morning meetings at nine 30 in the morning because a coworker noticed one time when it was whiskey and a diet Coke because the whiskey smelled worse. And I was like, oh. I, I almost got caught, or I did get caught, so I needed to be careful and not, at one point was, I like, oh, it's 10 o'clock in the morning and someone smells whiskey on my breath. Maybe something's wrong with me here. I was just like, well, I have to do better next time of hiding it, so I'll switch to vodka. But I got to this spiritual rock bottom where I was. Not only like physically starting to feel ill, I was like throwing up on the way to work and telling myself it was acid reflux from like eating ice cream the night before, and not because I was drinking like liters a week of liquor. And I was waking up in the morning crying that I was alive and that I woke up and that I didn't have an aneurysm or something happened in my sleep where I just passed away peacefully. I never got to the point where I was suicidal or actively wanting to plan things, but if there was a button I could have pushed to turn off life, I would've pushed that button in a heartbeat. And my husband finally, after one day where one of the side effects of my drinking was that I would forget where and where I'm not allowed to put my penis. And he found out. And I had this kind of like moment where I finally admitted to him that I was struggling. He knew that like, in some ways he must've known it was a problem.'cause there were so many times that I thought, I was so clever that I was like, I'll hide a bottle of vodka once it's empty in the closet, in the office. Because we never use the closet and then I'll throw it out in time before recycling for him not to notice. But what happens when you're always drunk is you forget to do things like that. And so what you end up with is a closet filled with empty liquor bottles and he had found them enough and known and we had enough conversations about my drinking, but he was like, I'm not gonna make you do anything, but you want this marriage and the rest of your life to work out in the end you might wanna check out a meeting or something. So I checked out a couple and finally found the one that was for me. Then I decided to make a podcast about as I got sober.

10:08

Wow. I've heard most of that in bits and pieces, but I don't think I've heard it laid out quite like that ever before. And it's really, it's really powerful. And I'm just really glad that you, that you did find that meeting that I also happened to be in it and that and that we're here today. And so what would you say are the biggest. Changes in your life between when you started new, your recovery journey and, and now. What are the big differences that

Steve: 10:33

you see? I would say I find my life is manageable in a way it wasn't before. I can have good days and I can have bad days without them being the best days ever or the worst days ever, which was what my life was like before. It was a constant roller coaster where if things weren't happening, I would find something to happen or I'd pick at a social thing, like it was a scab where I was poking someone or prodding someone, but I needed to find something to talk to about someone for there to be a problem or for me to be celebrating.'cause it was either like, things have to be great and we have to be celebrating so we could drink, or things need to be horrible so that I could drink to. Be commiserating with other people about how awful things are, but it was always like amazing, wonderful things. And if one thing happened wrong in my day, it was the worst day ever. And I can have frustrating moments and still take a deep breath and recenter myself or spend some time texting a friend or connecting with someone, or even just scrolling sober Instagram and. Just realized that doesn't have to define the rest of my day. I don't have to make my day awful. Because when I showed up this morning to my doctor's appointment, they were like, we don't know who you're here to see or what this appointment is for, and you missed two hours of work this morning for absolutely nothing. And I was like, okay, well I'll see you in a couple weeks then. And the old me would've been like, okay, well this is a reason to stop at the liquor store on the way into the office because this is just all. Fuckery and this whole day is going to be just like this. But I gave the day an opportunity to not be like that. And it was like that a lot for the morning, but it did work its way out. And I'm having a great evening now rather than I would've been blacked out by one or 2:00 PM previously. So I can deal with life rather than running away from it.

12:17

Yeah, that is a beautiful thing. My therapist said I should practice feeling bad things at like 30 to 40%. It's like I don't have to feel a hundred percent amazing or a hundred percent miserable. What if I was just 30% miserable and 70% good? So I'm practicing that. So I feel like yeah, nice job. It really does make a difference. Mm-hmm. And how do you feel like having this podcast has affected your

Steve: 12:40

sobriety? I think it's certainly expanded it beyond what it normally would've been. You know, I have my home group in the program that I work, and that's my family. But I've also developed this entirely second set of families between listeners, guests I've connected with that we stay in touch after our episodes. And this whole online community that is more than just 12 step programs. And so not only has it exposed me to other 12 step programs that I wouldn't have normally entered into or had discussions with people about those types of struggles with different substances that I didn't struggle with. But it's also been great interviewing and getting to connect with people who don't even. Use 12 step programs at all and instead have used, we've had people on about I always forget, like, I wanna call it like the Beautiful Mind, but I know it's not that, but smart is one of the things that I know, but they also have all these other different programs out there, cognitive behavioral therapy. I've heard a lot of guests talk about using that has helped them a lot. And so it's expanded it to learning that there's one way to get sober to learn that. There's multiple ways to get sober, and it's just a matter of finding the way that worked for you because just as much as the program that we're a part of has worked for millions and millions of people, doesn't mean that it will work for that one specific person. And to know that there are other resources and other programs and other methodologies has been really inspiring through my journey.

14:01

Yeah, and I feel like everybody, Their sobriety out of the experiences of everybody else that they've met. And so the more kinds of people going on different paths, the richer your sobriety is. You have such a deep resource here, so I imagine it's something that really benefits.

Steve: 14:18

I know it was, it was interesting. We had someone in a meeting recently would be just like, I can't find a place where I can talk about sex or listen to people's advice about sex and early recovery. Or people always say, oh, you're six months, you can't get it up the butt.. I'm like, it doesn't say that in the book. And, there's also a difference I feel between sexual encounters and intimacy and emotional entanglements and that it could be different for different people, but the fact that I was able to be like, well, I have all these guests I could connect you with and these episodes you can listen to. It's given me this resource to be able to help others. In addition to just people finding this podcast somehow and liking it, hopefully. Yeah,

14:54

absolutely. Do you have any advice, I mean, I'm sure you sort of just already started into it, like there's a whole like 150 episodes, 39 of advice out there already. For people who are struggling with their sobriety, but like from all the interviews that you've done, are there, is there some pieces of advice that really like out as the first thing.

Steve: 15:18

I don't know whether it's necessarily the first thing, but one of my favorite episode titles, and it was such like a good way especially a beginner to wrap their mind around the first couple steps was when Scott said that they can be summarized as I'm fucked. I'm insane. And the fact that once you learn that when it comes to alcohol or whatever, your drug of choices, you're fucked. There's no way that you can master it. It's made you its bitch and you just have to admit that this is how it is and what do you do about it now? Right. And then, and then realize that in addition to that, part of the reason why you're fucked over whatever the substance is, is that also your brain doesn't work the way that everyone else does, so you can't be comparing yourself to other people, which is what I always did, both in sobriety. And the first time that I was court ordered to go to different meetings and I was just judging everyone and. Luckily, I didn't break in anonymity, but in my mind I was reading these people are from filth and that's not how that's supposed to work. But I was so judgy about everyone and it's hard for me sometimes not to revert back to thinking that work would go smoother if we had an entire team of Steves. Yep. And that as long as people could work the way that I work, that the work would go smoother and better, because I guess that means that I think that I'm better than other people, which, yes, isn't a good thought to have when you realize it, because other people bring different ideas to the table, and everyone is beautiful and unique and different. But there are times where I can't explain other people's. Situations in work and I lose a lot more patience than I do in personal life. I've learned an alcoholic. I will forgive you for anything. I can watch you stab a kitten and if you told me it's because you were sick and suffering, I'd be just like, we'll get you to a meeting and, we'll stitch up kitty. I don't know what we would do about that, but I would forgive someone like that a lot easier. But you tell me someone who's not working any sort of spiritual program who's just going around the world, sick and suffering and happy, sick and suffering and making. Everyone's lives around them miserable. I don't have patience for that and I need to learn to have better patience for that. So I also think I'm glad that it's been 150 episodes since we did this rather than one'cause at least my experience after that first year of recovery, as I finished all the steps and I've learned life and I'll never have problems again. Mm-hmm. And I feel like the last year has shown me that that's not how it works. And that. I think part of realizing and cementing that you wanna stay sober for the long time is also learning that you'll never have all the answers. That you have to do the work every single day because nothing is ever solved or fixed. I'm gonna be an alcoholic till the day I die. And for once, I want that to be a long, long time from now rather than like, my glory plan of leaving a beautiful corpse at 35 to 40 or something. Mm-hmm. Yeah,

18:07

no, I identify with all of that so much. I feel like it was just a few months ago that I really realized if I had a solution to a problem that was based on the idea that everyone was erased and replaced with copies of me. You know, if I have a solution for a political problem, and the solution is everyone stops thinking what they think and starts thinking what I think instead, I don't have a solution to that problem, like I just have a problem and then like, That go and letting that be. And yeah, it's like easy to forgive people who are like, oh, I'm so sorry. I wanna change. But like most of the time, people don't wanna change and they're not sorry, they're just being themselves. The one's, sorry, like, so they're not asking for your forgiveness. Yeah, and it's like, that's just the kind of stuff that once you've accepted it, then you have your whole life to try and like use the, the tools of the program to kind of come to terms with and like live alongside.

Steve: 19:01

So, and I, and I think that's what's beautiful about recovery and the connections that I made through it, whether it be through a program or just having other sober people who get it, but that I can talk with a friend after work. About the blurred boundaries that I'm having with a coworker who I'm ready to just drive up a wall and have them talk about boundaries and how they've learned to establish healthy boundaries, which I'm like, what are healthy boundaries? Before coming into this room and having to learn these things like. The fact that we all wanna learn and grow or most of us wanna learn and grow is just something beautiful that I don't think you see outside.'cause I've learned that my two biggest pet peeves I'm working on right now are that I hate when people ask you simple questions that could be Googled. Yeah. And I also hate when people ask you for advice and then when you tell them the advice, they either say like, that's stupid or they don't take it. I mean,

Kristen: 19:53

that's every piece of advice I've ever given in my entire life, and I'm sure every piece of advice I've ever received from you or anyone else. So then I apologize and it,

Steve: 20:03

it's, it's okay if it doesn't. Yeah. And it's one thing when it's like personal advice and it doesn't recur, but the thing at work is someone's like, well, I'm having issues with social media. And I was like, here's how you solve your social media problems. And they don't listen to or do a single thing that I said and then a complaint a week later that they're still having social media problems. Yeah. It's

20:22

like, yeah.

Steve: 20:24

Advice. But yeah, resentment is not the topic of this episode. Yeah. But I,

20:28

I, but it's the life, it's, I dunno, it's a big part of staying emotionally sober, you know? Mm-hmm. What is it, other than learning how to be around other people. But yeah. All right. Well, you already said one. you're fucked and you're insane. Yes. I guess was one favorite quote or saying around sobriety, beautiful and pithy, that one was. But are there any other quotes or sayings that you feel like you would really wanna leave as symbolic or important to your recovery?

Steve: 20:53

I would just say the Serenity prayer is still something, especially in the early days, was very easy for me to wrap my mind around. I still haven't mastered all the different step prayers with all the different words that are more than two sentences or one thought. Yeah. But just the simple concept of accepting the things that you can't change or learning to change the things that you can. And what the difference is is something that I used to try and rule my entire life. It wasn't just the people around me and the way that I could drink when I clearly couldn't drink or moderate it, but that was my how I was everywhere and I just love life so much more now that I have learned what. Serenity means. And it's not just getting to there, but it's learning how to bring the serenity to where you are right now. Yes,

21:36

absolutely. Well that is, that is beautiful. Steve, we are coming to our time, but I wanted to ask if you had any other final drops of wisdom for us before we

Steve: 21:47

say goodbye. No, I mean, I would say just keep listening because I definitely have a lot of things exciting planned coming up. And just know that anyone who's listened to this and engaged with me, whether it be with an email or reaching out on Instagram or any of the socials that's helped me stay sober just as much as I might've helped someone else stay sober. So I love that we can all help each other. And if you've been listening for a while and have never reached out. Reach out and just say hi and it would make my day. So you can do that on all the socials. That's Instagram and TikTok realistically, because Twitter is now called X and I don't understand any of it and don't want to.

22:29

Excuse me. I was supposed to get to read that because it's my outro right here on my script. I can't,

Steve: 22:35

I know, I know, but I just naturally did it so much and I came up the control for so long. Follow us on

22:41

Instagram and TikTok podcast and follow us for new episodes every Thursday. Is that what you meant,

Steve: 22:47

Steve? Yes, that is. Thank you so much.

Kristen: 22:49

Anyway for more time. That was so fun. Thank you. I am so honored to be a part of this and yeah. If you are listening to this, I can tell you from personal experience that Steve loves the podcast and loves his listeners, and loves the people that are on it, and just is so devoted to it and so caring and, and dedicated to building something really powerful. So, Yeah, reach out. Anyway, for more, so with four more time with Steve and I you could head on over to our, I don't even how to say this. Patreon page. Patreon, yeah. Yeah. Patreon page where we're going to spin the topic wheel and see where it takes us. Until next time, stay sober friends.