Acceptance is the Answer ft. Joshua

Steve welcomes Joshua to share his experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast

Find Joshua on all the socials @joshuaatone and follow us while you are at it  @gAyApodcast

If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com 

Transcript

Steve: 0:01

Hi everyone, and welcome to gAy A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host Steve. Ben Martin. I am an alcoholic and addict. I am grateful for my husband planning a fabulous birthday weekend for me. As of this recording, I am 813 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. Welcome, Joshua. Hey, Steve, how are you? I am great. I had the pleasure of meeting you recently, but why don't you introduce yourself to all of the listeners.

Joshua: 0:31

Sure. So my name is Joshua C I'm an alcoholic. I have been sober a year and seven months now. And came across your podcast the other day and podcasts have been super helpful for me, so I figured I'd reach out

Steve: 0:45

and here we are. Excellent. And what would you say is your favorite part of being sober today?

Joshua: 0:51

Oh, favorite part of being sober today is the clear head Man. I woke up today and everything's good. Right? That's crazy. What's that meme like? No thoughts. Head empty. It's not a bad way to live. Mm-hmm.

Steve: 1:05

Yeah. Not at all. And what would you say is your favorite part of being a member of the queer community

Joshua: 1:10

today? Queer Joy is something else, man. I know things are dark right now, especially for people in the trans community. and activism is important and visibility is important, but I think we forget sometimes that queer joy is a radical act. I just got back from Flame Con in New York, which is a gay comic convention and there was just everybody there. It was like every shape, color, and size and gender, and everybody was, so, excited to be there and so interested in meeting everybody else there. And, there was just a moment where I was like, wow,, we are an incredible group of people. Yeah. Yeah, it was awesome.

Steve: 1:48

Excellent. Yeah, I love seeing those pictures. I'm a fellow ex fan.

Joshua: 1:52

For

Steve: 1:53

sure. And why don't we, why don't you share a little bit about what your journey with alcohol and addiction was like? Yeah,

Joshua: 1:59

sure. So I don't think I ever really had a healthy relationship with, with drugs and alcohol, but I was kind of a late bloomer. I didn't start drinking until college and I was a binge drinker, so I drank like every other college kid drank, you know? I was also dating an active alcoholic at the time, so it was really easy for me to point at him and say, wow, he's got. A problem, and I've got this under control, right? So things kind of progressed pretty slowly through my, my twenties. I didn't really start daily drinking until my thirties. Again, in another relationship with another active alcoholic who was a hundred times worse than the first one. And. The Trump election hit me pretty hard. I had always been depressed. I had been anxious for my whole life and I was very clearly using alcohol and marijuana to a certain extent. To adjust, right, to go up when I needed to go up, go down, level out, you know? But the, the Trump election filled me with this like unbridled daily rage that I had like no skills to deal with. And I've since learned that you can kind of really do two things with anger, right? You can feed it, which is what I was doing with doom scrolling and compulsive news checking or kill it, which is what I was doing with alcohol. So at that time, I just kind of looked around me and saw the kind of relationship I was in and the state of the world, and I just kind of saw it all as like irredeemable, right? Like I got a real case of the fuck. Its where it was just like, all right, forget this. I felt like I had taken a wrong turn or made a wrong choice somewhere, and suddenly we were all in like the dark dimension. So that kind of set me off into, I guess, what we'd call like true alcoholism or whatever. And yeah, I guess so the last two years of my drinking was when I started doing the things that we do, right? I was drinking in the morning, I was drinking at work, I was hiding bottles. Things that I thought were really novel that you come to learn when you meet other alcoholics, that it's pretty par for the course. And. It started to affect my current relationship, which is shockingly sort of healthy and good. And, and I have a great partner and. You know, I had kind of two experiences that set me on the path to recovery. One was alone. I was, there's a, we have a little back deck off of our kitchen where I like to drink and smoke cigarettes and, and figure out all my problems. Right. And I remember thinking like there was a, there was a moment where I was like, all right, this is it. Like this is gonna take my work, this is gonna take my relationship. This is gonna probably end up taking my life and fine. It'll be a sad end to a sad little life. Right. Just total pity party. and luckily thank God there was a little voice somewhere in my head that was just like, That doesn't sound like you. And, I still remember that to this day. It was just this little wake up call. And the other thing that happened was my drinking started to affect my relationship as it kind of has to. Right? And, there was a day where I'd kind of overshot it and I came home and I was pretty intoxicated and my partner asked me if I had been drinking, and I just looked at him and I said, no. I just like lied to his face all night long. And finally we went to bed that night and he started crying and he was like, you can't just lie to me. You know? And it was, it took me back to those other relationships that I had been in where, where I. I was quote unquote, you know, not the alcoholic, although that's kind of up for debate at this point, but where you never know what you're gonna come home to and you never know what kind of state the person's gonna be in or, or you know, you're kind of constantly walking on eggshells. And I became that guy, right? I was that partner and. I didn't want to be that, you know, this was, I, I really like this guy. And I was like, all right, I should probably do something about this if I, if this is the kind of life I want, I've gotta do the work. So I called around and I got into a, a. Outpatient program, an evening outpatient program on February 7th, 2022, and have been sober ever since.

Steve: 6:37

Wonderful. I was able to relate to so much of that both with my own experience as well as with my husband's, while he was always able to drink like a normal person, whatever that means. Yeah. The one night in the decade plus that we've been together that I've seen him hammered was the night of the election because. He was just so upset over all of it. And the doom scrolling actually activated. Mm-hmm. Gastroparesis, which he didn't even realize he had before to the point where he couldn't eat. But yeah, that's a different story. But yeah, I relate it a lot. And what would you say in addition to that inpatient program, what kind of tools and resources did you use during those early days in recovery?

Joshua: 7:14

So, you know, sometimes I feel bad when I, when I walk into the rooms and people say that like that first year of sobriety is awful because. I had the, I had the distinct experience of like being free. You know, like I, I, the obsession to drink was lifted pretty early. And I was just, I was happy to like, you know, I met, I suddenly, you know, you meet all of these people that are so nice and, and helpful and amazing people living amazing lives and. They were just like, all right, here's, you know, here's, come to the meetings. Here are the steps that, that we do to stay sober. Here's the things we promise you will happen if you keep doing these things. So just keep coming and keep doing what we do. And that was. That was what I needed. You know, I needed a blueprint. You know, I was like, I was neglected as a kid and so I never learned anything and I held onto that trauma forever and I drank over that trauma forever. And I. Suddenly I was in a place where people were telling me like, no, this is, this is how you live a normal life. And I was like, oh, oh, I missed all of this. Yeah. So I, you know, I've had, I've had a, a really good experience kind of from the gate but. You know, I, I did what? So like, we hear so much. I did what people told me to do. You know, I went to meetings and I listened, and I, I was, I try to be pretty curious about my recovery. Like, I'll try anything and sometimes things don't stick and sometimes they do. And whatever works, I try to keep doing as regularly as I can. Yeah. But podcasts were also huge for me in the beginning and still now. But I, you know, when I first got sober, your brain is just like, Insane. Right. You're still insane. Yeah. It's just a different kind of insane and to have somebody, another voice in my head, right, besides my own, and especially ones that were talking about recovery and, and step work and workshops and all of that stuff, that was, that was hugely helpful for me.

Steve: 9:23

Yeah, I can relate. When I got sober, I already did a podcast with my husband on pop culture, and I binged as many recovery and sober podcasts as I could possibly find. I was like, there's not enough queer ones. I'll make mine. So that's how, yeah, thank, I've found myself here. And I love now since I've started, I also see a lot more visibility with like other queer podcasts in the recovery, which is cool too. And what would you say your life in recovery looks like today?

Joshua: 9:49

My life in recovery today looks, looks a lot like it did in the beginning, which I guess is good. That's what they say it should be, right? I have, I'm, I'm a routine guy, so I have my like three, four meetings that I go to regularly. If I need another one, I know where they're at, where they're at, and when they're at. So that helps. Podcasts again, are, are still huge for me. I have a sponsor and a home group that are great. I started reading the, the big book again.'cause again, I, I read that when I first got sober, but who knows where it all is now in my brain. So I decided to start reading that again. And it's still amazing how much I relate to it, right? Yeah. Like, You read that and you're like, oh God, this was written a hundred years ago and it could have been written to me today. And it, you know, reminds me of that first step, right? Like, okay, no, I'm one of these people and there's no real denying it. And what else? A fellowship is really big for me right now. I also came into aa. Pretty cognizant of the fact that like, we don't have a lot of opportunities to make friends as adults, you know, especially, especially queer people. Because, you know, I didn't have a church, I don't have kids. I work alone. I run my own business. So like I, I. There isn't really opportunities to make adult friends. And so I, I tried to go in looking for people that I could relate to and that I liked and that we got on really well. And so I've got a good we that I try to do stuff with and stay connected with. That takes a lot of time and energy. I'm also realizing is that like, oh, these relationships take like maintenance and, and time and you've gotta schedule time to do things. And you know, sometimes that stresses me out just with, you know, our o everybody's crazy calendars. But it's so important. I mean, o obviously I was an isolated drinker. I, I, you know, drinking with other people. Did not appeal to me ever. I wanted to get like as drunk as possible, as fast as possible and sit alone and figure out the world, you know, which will make you crazy after a couple years. So it's important to me to get out and, and be sober out in the world. Mm-hmm.

Steve: 12:01

Yeah, I can understand that. I know that just f I have more friends now as an adult than I ever did. Like as a teenager. As as a child even. And it's basically in large part just working with this program. But even friends in relationships outside of the program, I notice like I'm putting more into it. I'm treating them more seriously and checking with people more. How has recovery changed your relationships?

Joshua: 12:26

Yeah, exactly like that. I feel like I'm more intentional in putting in the effort. And also I, I noticed like my, my friends outside of the program I think I was a little gun shy in the beginning to say that I was sober, right? I'd say I, maybe I don't drink or I would avoid certain situ situations. But I also noticed. Just kind of this summer I sort of came out as a, as a sober re recovering sober alcoholic to friends who don't really know anything about recovery or the program. And I found that the more I did that a, it, it, it made those relationships deeper.'cause now they know something deeper about me, right? Mm-hmm. And also I was able to do things that maybe I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. You know, we would. We would go to, you know, these big parties altogether, and I knew I was the only PERS only sober person there. And I would have my misgivings and I would, you know, have my exit strategies and have my plans in place. And, and instead of trying to, I. Hold that all on my own or deal with that burden myself. I would tell my friends like, Hey, this might be uncomfortable for me. I'm sober. You know, I might need to leave. I might need to take some time by myself. I might need to walk outside for a minute. And with them knowing that about me, then it became, they became my support system there, whether they were sober or not. Right. They could say, oh, cool, okay. We might need to keep an eye on Josh. We might need to, you know, Make these accommodations for him. And instead of feeling weird and bad about that, I felt really supported and seen and known. And so, you know, I think in general it's that it's that same stuff where the more authentically you kind of show up as yourself, the more you attract and have relationships that fit you.

Steve: 14:14

And what would you, what advice would you give to people who might be struggling with their recovery?

Joshua: 14:20

I know that I, when I'm struggling or just kind of not feeling it, I, I think a lot of times my struggling can look like struggling again against the struggle, right? Like feeling bad for feeling bad. I love a good pity party still but I find that if I can change my, my thinking into. Okay, I'm struggling and I hate struggling and this is uncomfortable and blah, blah, blah. Like if I can just kind of get it out to my sponsor or other sober people or my partner or even friends of just if I can get it all out and accept the fact that I, that's just where I am on any given day. I can usually get a little bit closer to the solution, right? Whether it's I need to eat something or I need to go touch grass, or I need to get to a meeting or take a day off. You know, I, I feel like instead of just sort of spiraling in that struggle, if I can just let it sort of wash over me. You, you know, sometimes you'd still need to sit in it for a minute. There's nothing wrong with that. You know, I sometimes you just need to feel it for a while. But not to let it swallow you up. Right. Just kinda keep on moving, find the next thing. And really do do the things that you know are gonna help. Sometimes I have a hard time with that too, because I think, I think I. All of us, there's a little bit of like, wanting to, to feel like shit. You know? So it, it's kind of breaking that habit too, of like, okay, if I have a solution, the next step is to do the solution. Yeah. Yeah, I'd say just, just keep on moving and keep focusing on the next thing. And don't, don't let yourself get too stuck

Steve: 16:00

in it. Yeah. Well, speaking of the next thing, what are one or two things that you're either looking forward to or working on? Oh,

Joshua: 16:08

looking forward to, we're doing a, we try to do like a, a, some kind of trip every month, whether it's just sort of a long weekend or something more. So we've got some family trips lined up for the end of summer and the beginning of fall. And those are really nice. Like those, the, the family get togethers. My siblings and I are really close and so we try to visit them and it's so nice. I notice. Doing those things sober, now I can have these experiences. And even traveling to New York with friends last week it was like, I can go and I can have a good time and I can kind of leave everything on the table. And then when I leave, it's like, no regrets, no. Like I should've done this or I shouldn't have done that, or I shouldn't have had that. Fifth drink or whatever, or I said something stupid like, I can just go and exist and, and have a great time and leave. And that's it. It's, it's amazing.

Steve: 17:07

Yeah, no, it certainly is amazing. And what would you say, especially being someone in the rooms, do you have a favorite phrase or saying, or prayer or something that you try and live by?

Joshua: 17:20

Oh, I love, we talked a little bit about it earlier of that like, acceptance is the answer to all of your problems today. Yeah. Is a good one. I'm not even sure where that's from. Maybe it's the big book, but I love that'cause that's, that's usually how I need to check myself when things start to get a little fuzzy. It's like there's something that I am, I wish was a different than it was and that's just not the way it works. And so I always try to remember, and the Serenity Prayer is always great for that too. Mm-hmm. It's like, all right, things can fall into two buckets. You know, stuff I can change and stuff I can't. And that's really it.

Steve: 17:55

Yeah. that's great advice. And recently I've been talking with a couple different friends in recovery about, since we do so much self-reflection and learning about ourselves, what would you say is something that you've been surprised to learn about yourself or like something that you liked, that you didn't realize you liked before, anything like that?

Joshua: 18:14

Oh, that's really good. Because, Self-reflection was a huge problem for me in addiction. In fact, like, you know, they say that promise that self-seeking will slip away. That was such a lightning bolt for me.'cause I was like, I didn't even know that was a thing like that, that A, was my problem, and B, that there was that like it shouldn't be. But, Self-reflection in sobriety is totally different. Right. I think I was, I was really surprised to learn how much of an extrovert I am. I was always like the nerdy kid with books sitting quietly by myself. And I still am an introvert to a certain degree. But now I'll just go and. AA makes it really easy to ask for phone numbers when you meet somebody new that like, Hey, I can hang out with this person. Hey, gimme your phone number. And people are still kind of shocked at like how well forward that is, but it's like, that's, that's all you gotta do and then you got, you got a new friend. But yeah, I'm really surprised at how sort of. Social I can be and how much I enjoy it, how much I like it. That was a big surprise. That's

Steve: 19:22

awesome. And any final drops of wisdom for our listeners?

Joshua: 19:26

Oh, drops of wisdom. Hmm. I'm, might have to think about that for a second. Yeah, I guess, I guess my final thought would, would be, If it's, if it's boring or if you're stuck or if you know, you, you're just starting to feel like you're going through the motions. I find that it's, it's kind of fun to be curious about new things in, in sobriety, right? Like both inside re recovery spaces and not try something new. Mix it up a bit, see what sticks and what doesn't. Because like we just said, sometimes you think you know yourself really well and suddenly there's new things that you are into or that work for you or that don't work for you, that you really don't have any idea. You know, be patient and and with yourself and, and be curious.

Steve: 20:15

Yeah. I think that's excellent advice. Well, thank you so much Joshua. And if someone wanted to connect with you what are your ATS on the socials? Sure. Yeah. Thanks

Joshua: 20:24

for having me. It's been super fun. My Instagram is probably the best place to, to find me. It's at Joshua Catone, c a t o n e. It's just my personal account. It's nothing real exciting. But you're welcome to, to say hi and follow me there, and certainly reach out if you wanna talk or meet. And that's, that's pretty much

Steve: 20:42

it. Awesome. Excellent. Well, while you're following Joshua on Instagram, follow us while you're at it at Gay podcast. And for more time with Joshua and I, you can head on over to our patron page where we're gonna spend the post show topic wheel. In the meantime, follow us wherever you're listening right now, so you can make sure you can get these new episodes when they come out every Thursday. And if you have a friend or fellow who might enjoy listening, tell them about it. And until next time, everyone stay sober.