Smashed, Not Wasted ft. Sam T

Steve welcomes Sam to share his experience, strength, and hope while they discuss living sober in the queer community.

Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast

Find Sam on Instagram @samthomas8186 and follow us while you are at it  @gAyApodcast. He is also on Instagram @sam_thomas86

If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com 

Transcript

Steve: 0:03

Hi everyone, and welcome to gAy A, a podcast about sobriety for the plus community. And our Alex. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-Martin. I am an alcoholic and addict, and I am grateful for the sexual wellness workshop I'm working on and planning. As of this recording, I am 813 days sober, and today we are welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. This writer and speaker hails from Brighton, and when they aren't enjoying the gym, travel and reptiles, they are working on the release of their memoir. Smashed Not Wasted. Welcome to the show, Sam Thomas. Thank you for having me. Yes, and I got to know you a little bit just researching online, but why don't you introduce yourself to the listeners.

Sam: 0:44

Well, as you mentioned, I'm many things. I'm a writer but I'm also in recovery from alcohol addiction, just alcohol addiction, a history of drugs or smoking. I was counting, I think I'm 45 months sober, so not far off four years. Long story cut short. I didn't drink until I was 22. I drank only a couple of times when I was 16. Hated it. My first boyfriend didn't drink, so I didn't start drinking until I was 22. And interestingly, I was tricking to drinking by my best friend at the time and inverted best friend. And anyway, he was, Alcohol dependent still is. And it's safe to say I think he just couldn't stand the fact that I wasn't drinking anymore. And it wasn't really cool back in the times back then, this was in the early two thousands, so 2000 4, 5 6, I think really uncool not to drink, not like these days where I think Generation Z sort of embraced sobriety and clean living, et cetera. So anyway, I was trick into that. And from that point on, as I just decided to keep drinking, he wasn't forcing me to drink every time it that. I, I drank Sambuca and Coke'cause it had my name on it, and then chose swapped for wine, rose wine, you know, tried everything. So it kind of went in at the deep end. But by the time I was 30 I was in a detox rehab. So start drinking at 22, rehab by 30. So I think you can see how well just have Savage alcohol addiction is and how progressive it also is. Over that period of time, a lot of things happened. Of course, in that time my mother died a year after I started drinking. There's no. Speak goes without saying, doesn't it? That was a significant sort of contributing reason slash trigger. I was running a charity for about 10 years in me with eating disorders. It was full on,, I was doing all sorts of extraordinary things throughout my twenties. Speaking up all these major events and media appearances, running support groups, doing funding s and grant and reports, and dealing with trustees that you know, who are. We ran the charity on the board. There was a lot of things and it was a lot of pressure. And I kind of just fell into that very early in my life, in my career. It was a bit of an accident, really. So, and often joke, now it's kind of like a fallen Disney style'cause I had to have this sort of clean image in running a charity. And I think there was always this repetitive side of me trying to get out, I suppose. So I think that kind of manifested in all sorts of different ways and through the drinking but you know, I've told this story quite a few times now and, I think, coming up to four years sober, I had a lot of time to reflect on that and understand my journey really. Yeah. I

Steve: 3:10

mean, what changed that went from your drinking and your rehab stint to your recovery?

Sam: 3:17

What changed? Well, that's an interesting question actually, because I decided to stop drinking abruptly, stopped drinking. I go cold Turkey. When I was, how old was I? 29 I think it was. And I just fell out in the habit of going to the gym. That was one of the safeguards, I suppose, looking back on it now, if I went to the gym, which I did, but I justly still do now, but particularly when I was in my twenties. The minute I start going to the dream gym, I drank more and not just drank at night, but drank during the day as well for the first time. So you can imagine just 24 hours of drinking pretty much. You know, for a period of time meant that I was drinking, you know, four bottles of wine easily in a 20 hour period, stopped drinking, had severe withdrawal symptoms. However, I didn't notice withdrawal, and I happened to be on a tube in London on the circle line. Going to a meeting, of course, didn't get there because I'd fell well managed to get off the tube, went off over the road to a coffee shop and it was just fortunate that there, I mean, the barrister was very concerned first of all, but when I sat down with a drink of water, which was spitting everywhere for the shakes and things. But anyway, there was an off-duty nurse and she came to attend me. Next minute I was in an ambulance. Next minute I was in hospital. But unfortunately, when I was in hospital, It really wasn't clear what was wrong with me. And of course, alcohol withdrawal does not come up in blood tests. It might come from your liver function. That's probably the only clue in cholesterol, maybe. But I had, a similar incident about a month later. It was bright and prior to I am the world's famous brighten. Prior, I did not go out, didn't have any wine, didn't drink for two days. Similar incident happened back in hospital. No idea why. The doctor assumed that it might be h i v, which it wasn't. And. I think it must have been about three months later'cause it was over a five month period. You know, I went into hospital for mental health crisis this time and whilst I was there I was something like three and a half times over the limits. I dunno if your limits are different to ours in the states, but it was quite a lot, to say the least. The scary thing was I was. Coherence I could stand, I was walking in a straight line, you know, all the telltale signs of alcohol dependency. So in other words, I was functioning perfectly well whilst being severely over the limit. So it was, then when it became apparent, the doctor, you know, thought, Hmm, you know, two parts, admissions suspiciously like alcohol withdrawal. He's well and truly over the limit and functioning. It's not rocket science to work out what's going on here. And that's when just talking to the mental health professionals and. And the drug and alcohol team in the hospital, they said, you need to detox. And that I did. N I had no idea what that meant. No idea. Of course, I've had to detoxes when people eat wheat grass and things for a week, but not this sort of a detox. And I was so clueless around addiction, you know what I mean? Even though I've been surrounded by people that clearly had addiction issues, I haven't really sort of investigated in that my life and my world was just. Absorbed into eating disorders because that was my history when I was growing up, hyperemia at the ages 13 to 21. I spent my life running a charity focused on that. So a lot of things were just not on my radar, and addiction was one of them. And I went to detox rehab about three months later, very begrudgingly. You know, I wasn't going sort of willingly necessarily. I sort of, I'll go just for the performance of it. And I was so naive because I thought it was a a, an opportunity to reset. So in other words, if I get detoxed, I can start drinking again like a normal person. Do you know what I mean? So that is where I was coming from. I was, I had no idea. And yeah, and I, when I was in, in rehab, yeah, it was a bit of a shock to the system because it was kind of like, I. The underclass of society, so to speak. You know what I mean? I loved it in a weird sort of way.'cause I think people were just so sort of damaged a bit like me, but also incredibly resilient as well. People from prison, people, mothers that had their kids taken away from them, you know what I mean? It was kind of the marginalized and, the disadvantaged or disenfranchised even people of society. Do you know what I mean? It was so I found my people. So to speak in rehab. So I did learn a few things whilst I was there, but of course it goes, I saying I did relapse six hours after a nine day admission and I did leave a day early'cause I was quite determined to go back to work and also get back to drinking. I think it's safe to say so. And that is when really I think people really began to think, oh, Sam must be alcohol dependent things. I think at the time, only a very limited number of people know about this, by the way. But at the time, I think a lot of people thought, oh, maybe this just a bit of a drinking problem that Sam could just do. I'd have to dry Jeremy or something. That sort of attitude. But of course, when they relapsed, I think everybody quite quickly realized that this was a serious problem.

Steve: 7:40

Yeah. And what changed the second time around when now you're 45 months in sober?

Sam: 7:46

Oh, not the second time. We were talking about the fourth, fifth time, I think, I was in psychiatry hospital. A year later I left my charity in a very dramatic way. I kind of did what Jerry Harwell did back in the days I left the band, realizing I was the band. And I went straight into psychiatry hospital. It was as traumatic. Now, I had an argument with the trustees left, went into hospital. Then referred to moved on to psychiatric hospital. So I was there for 10 days or something, had a detox there. Interestingly, I didn't drink for about six months after that, and that was in the summer of 2018. My situation had changed quite dramatically. I was working then, not working. Then I was starting to get into debt for first time, so I wasn't earning anything and all sorts of things, you know what I mean? It was all pretty. Scary. Really. We're not about it now, but I did manage sobriety despite the challenges that I was suddenly faced with. And I look back on that period now and I think I kind of realized that was kind of my dress rehearsal, if you like, of what like or the pilot if you like, you know, of what life might be like sober when I was well int truly ready to take it on. Guess saying I did mean that when I was in psychiatric hospital. Would you believe? Six months later, after the first admission, quite rebellious, drinking in hospital. And of course I got kicked out and then went back in and then went back in. I think it was like four months after that, I think. Can't remember. I've lose track of the timeline. But in the space of a year, basically, I was in and outta psychiatric hospital and I still continue drinking. There was no sort of, you know, as far as I was concerned, I was in full blown sort of rebellion mode, very sort of resentful, I suppose, about things that had happened in my work with the charity. Things about my past with my dad, who's also alcohol dependent, so there's all sorts of things that I just hadn't really had an opportunity to address yet. I think it's safe to say and anyway. Continue drinking. I think the only way I can explain it now is that a series has suddenly sort of happened and I think one of the things that I'd realized is that actually, I started writing, I started, came back to the gym, although it was a bit hopeless trying to get back to the gym whilst I was drinking. I realized to myself that I had to start drinking basically. You know what I mean? Had really bad withdrawal symptoms. I had hallucinations, you know, bats and spiders and all sorts of weird and wonderful things, cramps. And, a lot of the classic sort of, DT type symptoms is pretty scarier to say.'cause I was just out of it for, I felt like days and it probably was days. And in the end I just went into hospital and just said I need to detox, just a general hospital and. they had this sort of, I dunno what they call it, but like a measuring tool about how severe your alcohol withdrawals are. Yeah. I scored very highly, which is no surprise. And they said, you really need to detox. They said, yes, I've been here before several times. The big difference this time is that I wanted to detox really interestingly, and then this only occurred to me recently when I was writing an article. It was the same week that the very first cases of Covid were happening in Wuhan. This is in November, 2017. And do you know 2019 even? And the very last ation I had was bats. Mm-hmm. And if you think about it, it was a bat disease. So I dunno, that's just really weird. So I detoxed and during that week I had no idea that was a pandemic around the corner. So the timing was absolutely. Because there's no way they would've got through lockdowns and the whole pandemic, with the severe withdrawals that I was experiencing. So yeah, the timing was everything. And from that point on was I just never looked back. And I think two things about that. One is that I think I was saying someone earlier today, I not almost forgotten this, that I think the shame that I thought I was carrying, At that time it was shame that was projected onto me by other people. Mm-hmm. And I think as gay men, I think we've kind of well trained in how to deal with shame or the fear of shame and persecution and all the things that related to that. So I think once I made that distinction, I thought, no, even if it's their shame of me, that's not my shame to own F off basically, whoever it was. And I think once I've made that very clear in my mind, that sort of was a huge load. Throw it off my back. That shouldn't have been there in the first place. I had to sort of not only make lifestyle changes, but also detox from the substance, but also detox from certain people as well. There were certain people around me, like family for instance, that, there're dysfunctional behaviors had impacted on me and I sort of mirrored that behavior, the whole transactional. Slash generational trauma sort of model if you like. I think we're probably most, most of us are familiar with that. So once I sort of made those sorts of decisions that I can't speak to my dad, not forever, but you know what I mean, just for as long as needed, you know, and not just my dad, but other people as well. I was on my way. So I think those two things probably were related actually to shame and just sort of that toxic behavior that that clearly had. I sort of Absorbed, if you like, and sort of it manifested through the, the addiction. Yeah, I can

Steve: 12:27

certainly relate. I know that shame with alcoholics, shame with drugs, shame with queerness. We deal with so much shame. How would you say your relationship with the queer community has changed your recovery? Well,

Sam: 12:40

just on that note, shame is, I think I, I've often said that, I think the only thing that's consistent is that I was shameless in my alcoholism, is I was shameless in my recovery. You know what I mean? I think it's probably only thing that's continued the same, but in relation it is really another interesting question. I remember today actually, somebody else asked me a similar question that I'd actually, one of the reasons why I think I hesitated to sort of take. Detoxing and recovery seriously, back in the day whenever that was, 2017, I live in gay Bryan, which was once considered the gay capital of Europe. Got the biggest gay pride is full of gays. I think safe to say everybody under the L G B T sort of alphabet, so to speak. a lot of people clearly had issues with. Drugs and alcohol. I couldn't think of anybody that didn't, to be honest, but nobody had done anything about it. Nobody sort of detox. Nobody had been to rehab. Nobody sort of engaged in any recovery programs. There was nobody that I could think of. So in my head, I think it was just a subconscious thing that it couldn't be done. You know what I mean? Nobody's sort of done recovery before in my vast network, then what's the point? You know what I mean? You know, and I think also when I sort of did sort of engage in recovery a few years later in 2019, I think a lot of people sort of were engaged in recovery for the first time around then certainly during that early stages of the pandemic. So it's, since then, there's been a lot of people that I've met, whole groups that have been formed, even that I thought came in, in sobriety slash recovery. So I realize now they're always around. It's just that they clearly were in the underground, so to speak, invisible. Detected, they were always around and so since then I think I've changed my view that actually, clearly it can be done. And I think also that sort of crazy sort of subconscious sort of need within me to sort of speak about my experiences knowing that I, there was no one else like me that I could see or hear at the time. So I think that was a very subconscious thing as well. Dunno if that makes sense, but you know what I mean? It's just one of those things that I think over time, my point of view would've been very negative if I think about, G b t sort of visibility in terms of sobriety slash recovery, whereas now, I think there's been a massive shift in, in that, said, there are a lot of individuals that. No, now's what the groups have been formed. There's a group here called Tonic and Brighton that didn't exist before. Yeah. just to give you one example. So yeah, we've always been around.

Steve: 14:52

Yeah. I, I love the, the visibility that we're seeing with the queer recovery and sober community. What does your recovery look like today?

Sam: 15:01

I think it changes every day, to be honest. I think I'm fairly consistent with a lot of things. You know, I'm quite anally, retentive or whatever the word is, you know, sort of disciplined and I go to the gym not every day, but most days, and I think that sort of helps, I do a lot of writing, I very A, b, C 1, 2, 3 about things. Do you know what I mean? So I think that sort of helps me keep on track. You know, and, and just sort of being engaged, not just in physically in a physical sense, but online as well, through social media and, and what have you. So I'm not really sure what else I could say about that.'cause you know, I think my life is pretty, sort of straightforward, almost virgin and slightly boring.'cause I think, from the chaos that used to my life be, when I was running my charity in my twenties was just insane. I used to sort of, speak at conferences whilst I was still drunk. From the night before. I can laugh about it now'cause it's kind of slightly rock and roll, so I live a very opposite resistance to that now. I don't miss the old days particularly. There's certain aspects that I miss. Not the drinking obviously, but you know what I mean. So now it's very simple by comparison. Yeah. And less chaotic.

Steve: 16:01

Simple is certainly nice. I know that I always was confused, like a hectic, dramatic life as like a busy and good life. And I'm like, no, a good life can be just being

Sam: 16:11

quiet. Exactly. And I think I used to thrive on chaos. Do you know what I mean? I think that was the thing. You know, I thrive in drama, thrive in chaos. Do you know what I mean? And I think partly, you know, I spoken numerous times, you know, trauma therapy for instance, and I think I'd realized. And had trauma therapy quite soon after detox. And so that's a really important point. So that really sort of embedded, you know, my recovery moving forward and address the underlying issues. And it turned out I'd see P S D for instance, and that's always been the case that that became apparent. But the point I was making is I think it just sort of helped streamline all of that and, and yeah, just keep

Steve: 16:45

moving forward for sure. And what inspired you to write about your journey?

Sam: 16:51

Well, I threatened to write a book for years and originally it was gonna be an eating disorders recovery. And I thought, do you know what? I spent 10 years just banging on about men with eating disorders, which is really important to do more back then. But I just, I do think forwards not backwards, so it's quite ironic that written in Venir, which is pretty much looking backwards. But, I sort of said to my doctor at the time when I was in detoxing, I'm gonna write a book and it's gonna be called smashed, and then it became smashed and wasted and. I did write that book and I dunno what's happening with that book. I, to be honest, at the moment there's a possibility it might not actually happen. And I'm perfectly okay with that in a weird sort of way, to be honest.'cause I think I probably realized maybe I'd just written that book to me, get my head around what I'd actually lived through. Do you see what I mean? Not, it may not be at this time quite ready for public consumption and but the point is, you know, that just helped me sort of really understand the traumas and that relationship that that has with addiction. And yeah, it's pretty comprehensive in that sense. And yeah, I, I mean, I make no secret. The fact, you know, it involves sexual assault, for instance, you know, that was about eight years ago now. I think that was probably my tipping point rather than my starting point, if you see what I mean. It was the very last sort of significant trauma that my brain could cope with before it sort of went into sort of, well, just a state of chaos, really sort of systems meltdown. And of course by that point I was drinking, so that was sort of just, enabled that to sort of yeah, just get worse. So yeah, I'm not really sure how to explain that question because I think for me it was just really just helping me get around what the hell I've been through and just sort of make sense of it. And maybe it's just as simple as that.

Steve: 18:19

Yeah. And what would you say are one or two personal things you're either looking forward to or working on?

Sam: 18:26

I reckon in a new book project that actually is about lg, it's about sex positivity from an L G B T perspective, and it's actually based in the eighties, 1989. Has nothing to do with addiction of her to be honest, but I think I'd realized a lot of my original issues, if you like, were the, the legacy of homopho of, of the old days. And we had this dreadful law here in the count in this, in the UK called Section 28, which prohibited. The promotion of homosexuality from Margaret N's times the idea of if we promote, you know, homosexuality in schools, it'll make every, all the gay kids gay. It's this sort of attitude. And of course that was a legacy of H I V and AIDS and everything else, and I lived in that time period where, I was really badly bullied and teachers couldn't do anything about it because they were fearful to do anything about it'cause of this Poxy law. Of course, it did get revoked in 2003. I left school in 2002, so you can probably realize to yourself I was very damaged by that. So I suppose in a way, the book project is a result of that. One of the traumas, if you like, and just sort of exploring, you know, kind of like I mentioned earlier, the rebellious side, you know, that rebellious side with me that's always been trying to get out, but never, you know, sometimes I put it back in its box and other times I let it go for a run around. So I think it's just kind of exploring all of that really, I suppose. Things that I'm looking forward to. I don't know really. I mean, I really do take one day at a time and it's such a cliche and even I roll up now sometimes one day at a time. But it is a lot of truth to that. And I think, actually, I can't think,'cause I get very overwhelmed quite easily. I can't think I. More than the next hour, the next day. You know what I mean? So I think for me, I think that's a P T S D thing about, to be honest. So I think for me, I, I can't think too far ahead. So I just look forward to, to whatever I've got to do that day, like talking to you or going to the gym or whatever, and just really be focused on the present. I know that's also another, the cliche, but they're cliches for a reason.'cause they probably work. Yeah. And there's a bit of truth to that, so you know what I mean? So I think at the moment, I try not to think too far ahead. I know. Realized this year that actually a lot of things that I planned to do have not happened. You know what I mean? Like the book I mentioned earlier, for complicated reasons it might not happen. So I think I'm realizing now, not to sort of make any assumptions, have no expectations. Do you know what I mean? And I think I was. Probably, six months ago I would've been able to say, this is what the next six months will be. Like, as if it was set in stone. Now I don't think like that, And that's a very recent thing. So I don't know I suppose I just don't think too far ahead. And also you can't in these days. I mean, we live in the most turbulent times, I know what it's like in the States, but here we was gonna say as, as you were with a really bizarre. Our regime that makes me think, oh my goodness gracious. You know, it is like, you know, a first world country turning into a third world country is really, really bad. And so, Nothing surprises me these days. So I, I try not to sort of plan, think too ahead and, and just draw a little line about myself, you know, I dunno what you call it, but, you know, a little line that separates, that's, that's the, well this is me and you know what I mean? Just very clear on that. Otherwise, I think I would lose the clock.

Steve: 21:26

I can certainly relate to that as, as you were talking about, like with the school and not being able to promote. I live in Florida right now and it's very much the, don't say gay and all that, so I was like, oh no. It's like our politicians read like a UK history book and they're like, that's a great idea.

Sam: 21:40

Well, we are learning from each other. I mean, we are just as bad as one another. The UK and the States. I dunno I think it's just trying to make sense of some of this stuff and it's quite funny. One of the things I also said numerous times, and I've said it in an article that's coming out soon, that when I detoxed, it seemed like the world was a relatively stable place by comparison to how it is now. And when I was drinking, I should say, it was a relatively stable place. And the whole time I've been sober, it's just been chaos. It's like, sweet role reversal. So, and I did write a whole article on that, for Silent Magazine, and I just sort of thought it's a really important point to be made. How on earth do you sort of manage sobriety and recovery? And of course there's a big difference between sobriety and recovery, but how do you manage all of that? In these turbulent times, and I think it was a really important point to be made just about that, you know, not alone, anything else. Just, how to sort of navigate in these crazy times. Yeah, and like I said earlier, I started recovery just before the pandemic. Nobody knew anything about that. So it is always, yeah. And I do see the amusement in it all, as you can probably tell, you know what I mean? The irony, the humor, all of it. there's no other option really, I don't think. Yeah. Excellent.

Steve: 22:43

Well, how can listeners find and follow you to connect,

Sam: 22:48

Instagram and Twitter and Oh, the new one, threads as well. And I forget what my, use my username and Instagram I think is Sam Thomas. 8 1 8, 6. And Twitter, it's Sam Thomas 86.

Steve: 23:02

Alright. I'll confirm them before putting them in the show notes. So listeners, you can click on over

Sam: 23:06

And also I've written a whole ton of articles now on, on recovery, which is on my link tree. So my story is there. I probably mentioned lots of different points that I've written about. So yeah, all of that is there. Excellent.

Steve: 23:18

Well thank you so much Sam for coming on. Stick around'cause we'll have our post show for the patrons. But it was a pleasure getting to know you better. Thank you for having me. Yes. And listeners, thank you for tuning into another episode of Gay A Follow Sam and follow us while you're at it at Gay a podcast and follow us wherever you're listening right now so you can get these new episodes when they come out every Thursday. Until next time, stay sober friends.