I Didn't Listen ft. Jeff

Steve welcomes Jeff to share his experience, strength, and hope while they discuss living sober and paying it forward to the queer and sober community.

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Transcript

Steve: 0:02

Hi everyone. And welcome to Gay A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet- Martin. I am an alcoholic and addict, and I am grateful for my home group for always grounding me at night. As of this recording, I am 838 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. Jeff is a dear friend and fellow of mine who I spend an hour with almost nightly, and I can't wait for you to get to know him better. Welcome, Jeff.

Jeff: 0:30

Hi, Steve. Hi, everyone. I'm Jeff, and I am an alcoholic. Excellent. You want me to start now?

Steve: 0:37

Sure. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Jeff: 0:41

Well, it's a good bit about myself. Yeah. I've been around Alcoholic Anonymous for 43 years. I came in pretty young and I came in in 1980 and I was pretty wild back then. I got a dream job. Yeah. It was. It was a dangerous job, but it paid very well, and I worked in a copper smelter called Phelps Dodge, and they have, back then, a big copper company in Arizona, Texas, and down in South America. And a lot of copper was transported by tugboat and by barges coming up the these stinky little rivers going through Brooklyn. And I was right underneath the Kosciuszko Bridge. We used to have big chimneys. And we had Brooklyn Gas right across. I got that job young, like I said. And before I got the job I was drinking heavy. I was also too involved with amphetamine. and I use amphetamine as medicine because it made me work better. I got up, I didn't have to worry about lunch you know, I've spent my money on beer and it worked, it was a tool. And I used that for a lot of years. And did other things also too, because I was part of the whole Woodstock era experience with LSD back in 67, it was an innocent fun thing to do because back then, like Bob Dylan's song, the times, they are changing and they were, you know, people sort of grow their hair, grow mustaches, the Beatles, and You know, the lookalikes, and it was a really phenomenal era to, to grow up in and to be absorbed in. And I also, too, got into Indian music and I got into the beginning of Hinduism. briefly. Cause I loved the Beatles. I love George Harrison and I love the sound of the sitar and I learned how to play bass and do runs playing along with Ravi Shankar, but my drinking and my drug use, and I was involved in a relationship with this woman that was not working on the job. And she was from Harlem and every other guy there wanted her, and I got her, and the thing is that, loose lips sink ships, and so I was in mentally in bad shape with my drinking then, and my drug use. I was very sensitive. I was in very bad shape and so I had almost a nervous breakdown. It was around I think March of 1980, 80 just started. And so they took me into the office. And the woman there that was one of the hard hats, one of the, one of the bosses, because hard hat, we all wore hard hats, and they had copper hard hats, the color, and she said, she said to me that Jeff we need to take you to a hospital it looks like you're ready for a breakdown, and we want to save you, and you know, I was getting all this, Stuff. I didn't know what, but they drove me from Maspeth, Queens, all the way out the Long Island to Amityville and took me to drop me off at a at a South Oaks Hospital out in Amityville. And that was my first introduction to, hospitalization for drinking. I didn't know. I just thought that, they'll get me well, give me a little time. But as time was going on, people were coming in and doing meetings. And I'm like, who are these people, and I was trying to get more value or get something from somebody else, to take more of the edge off. I had a very high resistance because of years of use and it took a lot for me to get stoned. But the thing is, I thought the stuff coming out of my pores, all the booze. Booze was my favorite. At that time, booze was my drug of choice. And I drank a lot of vodka, because it didn't really stink, it looked like water, and everybody on the job drank vodka, so I always had vodka. I'd be working out there in the yard, somebody would drive up in the Jeep, give me a glass bottle, a mayonnaise bottle of vodka, and, and pat me on the back, and I'd give them a couple of joints, and they drove off, and they smoked and I drank. But the thing is, is that I was in that detox and they gave me a big book. I didn't know what the hell that was all about. They gave me the 12 and 12, you know, and, and they talked about sponsorship. They talked about make having back then, there was no cell phone. There was, there was a phone booth, and reaching out, people getting phone numbers but the thing is aftercare and I used when I was there, I used, I got caught they found marijuana, in my urine and it blew me away. I thought I was slick. I figured I'd take a couple of hits. That's all I took. And I almost had 90 days there. And they got really peed off with me. And I told them not to tell the company. Well, let me fast forward all this stuff. I didn't take any suggestions. I was a square peg in a round hole. I wasn't teachable. I had friends coming to visit me. You know, what's with you? The thing is, Don't, don't drink the hard stuff. Don't take any pills. Just smoke a couple of joints and have a few beers. And it sounded good to me. Like, yeah, I'll behave myself and I'll show these people that I don't need this because I'm not that bad, you know? and I gotta be honest with you, not that bad. I was in some ERs and a flight deck some years before. My mother sent me away. because I came back really wiped out and she was afraid, called the cops and I cursed them out, punched the window where she was looking at, I broke the window, they took me and off I go, off Jeff goes to Queen's General Flight Deck with a Thorazine needle in a rubber room. That was my first introduction, I think I was about 16 then. I was wild, like I said, and I didn't mean to do that. I apologize to her later. Then she cried. She came up to visit me. I'll get you out of here. I'm sorry. I didn't know you know, I didn't mean to do that. And then, I didn't mean to do that too, because I used to get high with my mother. We used to drink together, and I used to turn her on to hash and pot, and my father would come in and like, look at these two stonies, what the hell is going on here with you two? But, she tried to try to understand me and be at my level because my parents felt that they let me down and I turned into a drug addict. They didn't let me down. It was peers, it was the people, places, and things that we talk about, who you're hanging out with, you want to be cool, you want to be known, you want to have the best this, the best that, the whole ego, or whoever you want to be with, you know? And, you know, I didn't listen. I didn't listen to them. I didn't get no Home Group and the mustards seed was the first thing I marked. I marked it'cause they wanted to know what meetings I was going to in 1980. 1980, I circled the mustards seed because I liked the name. Yeah. Because I was going to go, I didn't even get there until 86. I went back to the job. Spoke to her, I love you, all this stuff, moved, moved out of Astoria, moved in with her, and then because she's small pot, we did that together, and then, and she says, you just do this, and everything would be cool, but the thing is, that didn't last long. You can't be high and sober. I wasn't making meetings. And then they kept on asking me, you're making meetings? Oh yeah, I'm going to the master seat. You gotta prove all this. Yeah, I want you to sign, have this, I would have a sheet, like the ones I've been signing for years, with somebody else. I had to have that. So I would have people in the streets sign it for me. That's true. But you know something? I didn't take the suggestions. Things didn't work out with her. Things didn't work out in a lot of, a lot of ways. But, you know what happened? Back to the Thunderbird. Back to the drinking hall. And man, boy, did my drinking take off. I wanted to drink because I lost my daughter because of a bad marriage. She was an addict. and bad decisions. But I was young when all that happened. And, my mother couldn't take care of. Because my mother had to take care of my brother. Because my brother had scoliosis. My brother had mental illness at that time. Because his father disappeared. And he's from Ozone Park. If you know Ozone Park. Okay. He was a cop too. He was a boxer and I don't mention names. I want to mention, but it was a bad time in my life. And so I wandered up back there and I went out to the Amityville Tavern. You ever heard of the Amityville Horrors? Yeah. Well, that house wasn't too far from the bar. And the bar was right next to the Amityville train station. I had three, three triple shots of 100 proof, went back, climbed over the fence, went back, and I said, one word, they came with a straight jacket and a Thorazine needle. And that's how I spent 80 that would be 81. Eighty one on a flight deck on Christmas Eve, tied up to a bed. Oh, Lord have mercy. I got more stories than that. But, I didn't listen. I went back to the job thinking I'm bulletproof. And they said, screw them, my attitude, and they fired me. And I lost a real bit. And a year after that, the company closed that whole complex down. So, it was like, I would have been out of a job anyway. Yeah. But what happened now, I went into the system. Yes, Jeff needed somebody to take care of him in the wintertime. Jeff needed someone to feed him, put a shelter over his head. I do, I was a roofer. And I spent all my money on bows and then I was living in a rooming house. Yeah, I had apartments, but, my bottom was starting to really bottom. And then I got screwed when I went to Canada. Oh my god, they took me and this other drunk, they took the both of us and threw us in some hospital, I had addiction to volume, I had addiction to quaaludes, and I was drinking a lot of vodka, and I really needed a detox, when I came back, I went back living with somebody that I met. He was a junkie, intravenous user. I wasn't. I would just take care of him live with him and his wife. And I don't know if he's still alive, but he you want to talk about people, places, and things, man. He couldn't believe, he, he didn't want me to get sober. But anyway, that was a catastrophic situation, and what Jeff did, Jeff started to go into different detoxes, rehabs, get out of the winter, get myself straight, really mean it. it took from 1980 to 85, where I wound it up, once again, at the Salvation Army. When I got to the Salvation Army, it was at war. For the second time and the guy didn't want me getting well, the counselor there was knew that I wanted it knew I didn't want me to make meetings, but the counselor wanted me to make meetings and I'm going to get to let you try to get to let you go out. You don't say nothing. I'm helping you. You don't say nothing to the captain here. And and I went out and I found me a sponsor, and he was gay. And he worked with me and I'm, straight my son is, gay so I respect what other people do. I respect all. Everyone, and so we worked together for some years and that man helped me out. I got books here as Bill sees it from him on Christmas of 85. He took me to my first meeting. And spoke at Al Anon house my first 90 days, and it was a few days before Thanksgiving. They let me out, and I got my 12 and 12 book from him, and a few other books. And Roger helped me out for quite some time Roger helped me to split from the from the Salvation Army to go to the Volunteers of America, where I hooked up with other alcoholics there, and the counselor, we matched, and I was up on 86th Street. I had my freedom. That's where I started to be painting, and I was painting, taking care of the boiler, washing pots, and all. And there was a meeting in the house. It was the all women's hotel. So, I had a couple girlfriends here and there. But the thing, is that that was the beginning of me really starting to service. Coffee commitments, I would go to Hartgrave House Budford, New West, walk all the way down to Exchange News, down all the way from 86th Street, all the way down to to the Battery Park, all the way up to the mustard seed, all the way across to Al Anon House. But for New West, back up to First Things First. Oh, I used to love going to First Things First in the morning. And all the meetings around, everybody knew me. And I did service, and also, too, at that time I got married at that time also, too, with my son I'm talking about. He's a therapist and married at that time. So I started to go to school. That's where I met her in Spanish Harlem and night school back back back in 87. And I moved to Astoria at that time. We did. And that's when my son was born and I made meetings in Astoria. I met someone today and 1130 meeting from Astoria. You know that that's celebrated 37 years of September 15th would have been 38 years for me if I didn't go back out. I went, from 85 to 19 to 90. Three. seven years, I stayed sober, doing service. Mustard seed Al Anon House, always Al Anon House. But for New West, Uptown, and Astoria. I went everywhere. But the thing is, I got the job where I retired from. I was working midnights, working, painting, gigs, I'm a musician, winding up here, never home. And it felt strange being home because I was trying to make money, send him to Catholic school and, and do the right thing. But the thing is when you don't keep your program first. You're in trouble and I never thought that I would wind up picking up again because I was in the ballery. I used to panhandle. I used to drink, and hang out down in the ballery and, some of them knew that I would go to third and third and I had a couple of friends of the Hell's Angels. So, the word was, you don't mess with this guy. You don't mess with this guy a little bit. All of them knew. Few blocks further down, I hung out with a Hari Christian. People ate their peanut butter things they were making and, dancing with them. And that's really where I belong. And they were talking to me about spirituality, which I knew, which I wanted so dearly and, and, and that was really some time ago, but that's my practice. My practice is meditation. I just retired 14 months, 34 years with the hotel trade. I was a super, I used to work as a roofer. Like I said, I used to work for the daily news. I could have worked for the post office and at the daily news, even my counselor worked with me. Yeah.

Steve: 18:53

And Jeff, I'm sure that a lot has changed like in the past couple of decades with sobriety and recovery, but what would you say are some of the things that have stayed the same?

Jeff: 19:03

What stayed the same. Yeah, I'll tell you the truth. My sense of humor. But the thing is, then to now, it's like being resurrected. I am not anywhere near who I was, and who I'm talking about. And that's nothing. That's absolutely nothing. Who I am today is totally, totally a different human being. I just celebrated 28 years back last month. They say you'll lose time. Well, I have the experience, but the thing is, is that I am not who I was and I think differently. The way I conduct my life is differently. I owe it to my sponsor and sponsor now, sponsors before, people like you, people in the rooms. We all look out. I'm no better than somebody one day coming in. They can help me. Yeah, you know,

Steve: 20:06

and we live in an age where like new people are coming in and finding the rooms all the time that it's almost. It's trendy to announce yourself as sober or freely talk about it in recovery. What was it like telling people in maybe the, like the nineties or early two thousands that you were an alcoholic? Was there

Jeff: 20:21

a stigma to it? Well, I made a mistake telling one boss that I'm in recovery and the whole building and all the person that owned Duane Reade drugstores and Cohen Optical knew it. they were telling me, we're doing you a favor of keeping you. the worst thing that happened to me, breaking your anonymity, you got to be very careful who you tell that you're in the program, you got to really feel things out and be very, very careful when you're telling somebody. that you are, in recovery. And also to back then, Steve, I couldn't talk about drugs. Yeah, drugs, what the old timers would pound on me, like pounding on me. Yeah, they were Didn't I tell you to shut up or don't come here, sit in the back, take a cotton out of your ear, stick in your mouth, and when you're going to talk about booze, this is about booze, not about your acid days and this and that. We don't want to hear about it. Leave it out there. Even with the weed, they don't want to know nothing. Booze. Booze. That's it. Booze. So I like the way it is today. I really do, even with the nine o'clock meeting and, there's so many meetings, we gotta be comfortable when we come in, we gotta be comfortable what we say, you gotta share it from your heart, who you are, what you experience. Thanks. It's a gift and the gift happens when you just keep on showing up and doing service and, just making meetings. It is one day at a time. It does get better. I didn't see it that way. I was punching holes in everything. I wasn't ready. And it took a lot of pain, a lot of being used like a sanitation broom and the gutters in New York. To push me around, that's how far down I went, South St. Vincent's Hospital knew me, I didn't go to places like that when I was sober, I never wore handcuffs in a straight jacket, I only wore that stuff when I drank and popped some pills. But I haven't really done that for, for, for over 38 years. Because when I went out, I was really careful. All duels and weed. And then I drank a little bit after after the two years. I was on the marijuana maintenance program, and then I was still making some meetings here and there trying to get, I had a hard time putting my hand up. I was embarrassed, but there's nothing to be embarrassed about because it's a disease and when you don't take care of your disease, when you don't make meetings and come here for your medicine, then what's going to happen? We're going to have a relapse.

Steve: 23:17

Yeah, and out of all the meetings that you could be going to, one of the ones that you frequent is a very queer beginner's meeting. Right. Why with so much time do you still find beginner's meetings

Jeff: 23:28

helpful? Yes. They help me. Yeah. They help me. The 1130 that I co host and host, for the three years since Zoom started, okay it, they help me. We help each other, and that's what it's about. I learn from you, you learn from me. And that's why I help them, we help them building a toolkit. What to do, how to protect your sobriety. Because that's what it's about. Protecting your sobriety. Even if you gotta put boxing gloves on. You gotta protect your sobriety cause we don't know what's gonna happen. We don't know, suffering is life. We're gonna lose. I just lost my mother, like you know. I lost my mom. every visit, was another another nail in me. But what did I do? I called my sponsor. I see you guys. I talked to you. You text me. You could talk to me, because I work in, a senior living home type of facility, and I know where it's all about because that was, my father had dementia. But this one with my mom, my mom was wild, man. I mean, I never knew what I was in for. And if I visit her and she'll sit up like she was the queen and how you doing? And I'm like, Oh my God, I got a normal visit today. It's a blessing when you get those. Yeah, we don't know. You know, it's halt, hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. We gotta look. Always look at that, because, you can't hold onto anger. You can't hold onto resentments. You can't hold onto, to, oh man, this happened to me this time, the one left me, this one this did this to me. We gotta let everything go in order to grow into it and to mature in order to go through our journey of life. You can't hold on to the past, like a shipwreck down in the bottom of the ocean. No, you got to go through that storm and it's going to be storms. Life is storms. One way or another, but we come here and we protect ourselves and That's why it's a we program. We do this together because we help each other get through these thoughts Yeah, and it don't matter how much fucking time you got to me. I always stay as a beginner. I'm teachable. I stay teachable with my Zen book, Beginner's Mind. That's what I have, a beginner's mind. I read this book around 50 times and I still, reading it because I'm still getting something more out of it. Just like working the steps. I do the step meeting tomorrow at the most, at the Master's Seat, and it's Well, how many times we're going to do a Tradition 8? How many times we're going to do this? A, be happy you're sitting in a room and you're doing this. True. This is what it's all about. You need the traditions. You need to know how the program works. And we need the steps because things change in life. Life revolves. Nothing stays the same and that's why you gotta move on, not be left behind, and then you're in the mud, you're in this quicksand. How am I gonna get out of this? You get out of it when you go to positive thinking and you let go.

Steve: 26:57

That is an excellent place to end, because we also have a meeting for me to open up this evening, but thank you so much, Jeff. It's been a pleasure. And listeners, thank you for tuning in to another episode of Gay Ape Podcast. Be sure to follow us wherever you're listening so you can get these new episodes when they come out every Thursday. And until next time, stay sober, friends. Thank you, Jeff.