Deeds, Not Words ft. Nate

Steve welcomes Nate to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast

Find Nate on Instagram @npkrogh and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast

If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com 

Until next time, stay sober friends!

Transcript

Steve: 0:03

Hi everyone and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-martin. I am an alcoholic and I'm grateful for my husband's full and new moon ceremonies that he's resumed this year. As of this recording, I am 596 days sober, and today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom, and hope with you. Welcome. Thanks for having

Nate: 0:26

me.

Steve: 0:27

Yes. And why don't you introduce yourself to the listeners.

Nate: 0:31

Of course. My name is Nate. I'm from Minneapolis, Minnesota. As of today, I believe I am. Lemme pull that up. I am 904 days sober. Congratulations. So, yeah. Primarily a meth addict, but I've been abs seening from all substances since July 20th. July 24th, 2000.

Steve: 0:52

Congratulations. And what have been some of your favorite hobbies or things to do that you found in sobriety or

Nate: 0:59

rediscovered? Well when I first thought of this my initial like funny answer was sleep. Mm-hmm. Because that wasn't something I was doing a whole lot of when I was in active eviction. But I'd actually say being able to focus on things for an extended period of time is something I've really loved being able to do. Whether it's like reading a book, watching a movie, even holding a conversation, spending time with family and friends. Being able to have that ability to just focus and dig in on something that I didn't have when I was out there using. So, yeah. Yeah.

Steve: 1:33

Excellent. And then why don't we jump into it. Tell us a little bit about what it was like with your battle with alcohol and other.

Nate: 1:41

of course. So a little bit about my background. I, I grew up in a very conservative small town in Wisconsin. And even before I started using substances I was running from who I was, whether it was being in a closet whether it was overworking myself, whether. feeding my feelings or focusing on losing weight or overdoing it with school commitments or fixating on the problems of others. I was letting my perception of who I felt the world needed me or wanted me to be shape my life. When I moved to Minnesota in 2014 with my ex-husband I took on. And after several years of that I just was getting to a point where I was, I was burnt out. I didn't know what to do, and in that moment I get introduced to drugs. And that began about three to three and a half years of drug use. Running from everything. Spiraling more and more. I tried getting sober a handful of times. I went to some meetings and then I ended up not really committing and falling off and going. I tried getting into treatment and ended up like even getting to the point of filling out paperwork and then just not showing up. Like I'd do my intake and then I just wouldn't come. Mm-hmm. And at that point I just kept going back and forth, back and forth and I remember there was a point in, I think it was summer of 2019. I was hanging out with somebody I was, I was using drugs with and we were talking about what we wanted in life. And I said that I really wanted to be able to hold down a stupid job eventually have kids. And how, especially with the kid piece, I needed to get sober before that happened because I did not want to bring a child into a house for those active eviction. Mm-hmm. and this person kind of looked at me and they were like, well, how old are you? Well, you gotta, like, you got maybe one or two years before you need to like, get your crap together and like fix things. Mm-hmm. And I remember writing a journal entry that fall about how I really did need to figure things out now. It took me several more months before I actually decided to take any action. And in, I think January or February of 2020, I was like, I'm gonna taper down my. I, I want to be done by the time I turned 34 in July, and so I, I wanted to control everything myself and I felt I could manage it. And so I bought fancy little bags and I wrote encouraging, like statements on it and had like tapered down amounts, clearly labeled from like January through July. And I gave my, my ex-husband, or my husband at the time, the key to the safe where all these were kept. Now, did I follow through on this plan? No. The moment I was hitting a craving and the moment he was out of the house, I went and found the key and gotten to the safe and used up most of the supply that was in there. So that didn't work, but I feel like the intention and the seed was planted because the morning of my 34th birthday was when I hit rock bottom. I. we were in a tight financial bind, largely due to the fact that I was spending as much money as I could on drugs. I was withdrawing. I was very grumpy, and I was getting ready for work, having some ideations out loud. Basically talking about how I wanted to, you know, just end my life and how it wouldn't matter. And then I'd say, oh, no, Nate, you don't like pain. You don't, you're not gonna leave that. And I was going back and forth, back and forth. My partner at the time was also dealing with some mental health stuff and heard that piece and told me I could not leave the house. I could not go to work. And then if I tried to leave for work the police would be called because I needed to be around someone. So I went and took a nap. I was very angry and cause I felt like this was, you know, another moment when I'm calling to work because of my use mm-hmm. and I wake. Hearing police officers in the house coming to check on me. And I just, I was so done. I was so exhausted and I said, look, I'm an addict. I need to get help. This is what's going on. The officers ended up leaving and then I called and scheduled by intake for treatment that afternoon. I had about four days at home during which I was a very, very angry person. Isolating a lot. And I started treatment that Friday, July 24th at a L G B T Q treatment facility here in the Twin Cities. Pride. And yeah, that's, that's when I got in. I let me see here. Yeah, I, I was stubborn and I am a stubborn person. And so when I went into treatment, I was dead set that I would go all in. I would do it a hundred percent because my rationale was that if years down the road, months down the road, weeks down the road, if I relapsed. I didn't want to be the one at fault. Mm-hmm. it would be ev it would be someone else. And I, as I was coming up with answers to this question, I realized, you know, coming up on two and a half years later, that, that was yet again, me trying to deflect blame mm-hmm. In the moment. Thankfully in my case, that actually worked in my favor in that early recovery stage because my stubbornness to not. Helped me dive in. And also I was just too tired. I had been using for three, three and a half years, and I was too tired fighting it anymore. So I allowed myself some time as well as Grace. I did about 60 days in inpatient. Instead of moving back home, I moved to a sober house and did four months of outpatient while living. I chose to stay in sober living for two years, five months. Was able to address things in my life and figure out who I was and fight for that. That meant taking a serious look at everything in my life, whether it was my career choices, my relationship choices, I ended up switching careers. Ended up going to counseling with my husband at the time, and then amicably chose to divorce for the health of both of us. And I chose to take a break from dating that first year as well. I've worked a program since then. I've done the NA steps and an AA steps. I have a sponsor. I sponsor others. And I'll have two and a half years on January 24th. So I think at 10. And I now live with my partner who's also someone in long-term recovery and his five-year-old kiddo.

Steve: 8:16

Oh, excellent. And with all of those positive outcomes, what would you say are one or two of your favorite parts of being sobered

Nate: 8:22

today? So I thought a lot about this one, and the thing that really came up is I've been able to recover joy in my life. That was something that was not present when I was using. and I got glimpses of it early in recovery. Mm-hmm. And as time has gone on and as I've continued to work this program and, and work on myself, I find more and more I have chances to just have unfiltered, innocent joy. Mm-hmm. And it is a wonderful feeling that I never thought I'd feel again. And so I'd say that's probably the biggest. and then I'll like, I'll circle back to my answer earlier and just say, getting like full nights of sleep. Mm-hmm. is wonderful. Yes.

Steve: 9:06

No, I understand. I sleep like a baby in sobriety. I always joke with like the acronym halt, like I always am avoiding feeling tired, so that's why I nap now. Mm-hmm. Yes. And how do you feel your sexuality played a role in your

Nate: 9:21

addiction? Well, I would say it, it played a huge role. on the surface. The Chemsex community is, is pretty serious when it comes to gay males especially. Mm-hmm. And so having those two co-occurring addictions walk hand in hand was pretty, it's pretty common and it did not escape me either. And I think also recognizing the inauthenticity that drove my addictive tendencies. Also fed into that quite easily growing up in conservative environments we've become really good at dishonesty as a survival mechanism. And so that just like, oh, I've, I've done this before. And so that definitely did play a role in my addiction.

Steve: 10:10

Yeah, for sure. And how has that change as you've entered sobriety and recovery?

Nate: 10:17

Well I would say I had to recognize that this is multifaceted. Mm-hmm. It's not just about removing a single substance from my life and continuing as I always have. As I mentioned, sex addiction walked hand in hand with my Matthews, so I had to also take a really deep look at the role of sex in my recovery. And for me, that meant some serious self-reflection and approaching sex in a completely different. when I was out using and when I was hosting sex parties, there was this constant never ending hunt for the next hookup and my next fix. I mean, it was nonstop and constant. So then really having to look in my recovery at not just addressing the addiction to substances, but also the addiction to sex. If I wanted to experience long-term.

Steve: 11:05

Yeah, I can certainly imagine. And what are some practices that you're using in your daily life to help keep you sober now?

Nate: 11:14

So I would say routines when in active addiction my routine was pretty set. It evolved around that. And so now it's figuring out what, what I need in my recovery. And so making sure I have time to work out regularly, get enough sleep make sure I have time for self. Make sure I'm able to practice moments of being comfortable in my own skin and with my own thoughts and also have time with family. I also keep my one and two year medallions on my work desk so that if I need to, I can grab one of'em and just hop into the Serenity prayer if I need to ground myself during moments of stress. Yeah. And I found those, find those to be really helpful.

Steve: 11:53

Yeah. And as in terms of things that can be helpful for people, especially when they're entering early sobriety or if they're sober curious, what kind of advice would you give someone like that?

Nate: 12:03

I would say give yourself the gift of time. Mm-hmm. Means the gift of being present as you work on what's right in front of you. Also the gift of not rushing the process. I invested over three years in my addiction. Mm-hmm. and for me, I know it'll take at least the same amount of time to build a good foundation for my recovery. So I'd say the biggest piece is give yourself time. Like it's, it's, it's a journey. It's a process to give yourself some room to breathe and just do what

Steve: 12:30

you need to. Yeah. And no matter how we recover, we generally find bits of quotes or mantras that we like to try and live by. Do you have any favorites?

Nate: 12:40

Well so I have several favorites. My first is deeds, not words. Mm-hmm. I spent a lot of years getting good at saying one thing and doing another. Mm-hmm. And practicing a program of honesty. It's providing me the space to work on. authentically and honestly, and with integrity. So I'd say that's a big piece. And also just one day at a time and being willing to do anything to change your life. I, the amount of times my sponsees probably rolled their eyes at me when I come back with these, these please cliche phrases that I'm like, it works. So yeah.

Steve: 13:14

Yeah, it definitely, they work for a. And any last words of wisdom or advice for our listeners?

Nate: 13:23

I would say, again, as cliche as it may be it does work if we work it. So give yourself grace and figure out what working it looks like for you. Because while we have a common struggle our recovery journeys look unique as to how we. And so give yourself that time to figure out what that looks like for you and then work it seriously.

Steve: 13:47

Yeah. Excellent. Well, how can our listeners find you if they wanted to follow you online, anywhere?

Nate: 13:53

I'd say the easiest way would be on Instagram. My handle is N P K R O G h.

Steve: 14:00

Excellent. I'll be sure to add that in the show notes. And while you're at it, give me a follow at Gay podcast. Stick around Nate for, we're gonna head on over to the post show in just a moment. But thank you for being here for this part of the conversation today. Of course.

Nate: 14:14

Thanks for having me again.

Steve: 14:15

Yes. And listeners, you can head on over to our Paton page and listen at patreon.com/gay podcast and be sure to follow us wherever you're listening so you can get new episodes when they come out every Thursday. Until next time, stay sober friends.