gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show

Marriage ft. Dusty

Steve Bennet-Martin Season 1 Episode 136

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Steve welcomes back friend of the podcast, Dusty, to discuss navigating marriage in sobriety, diving into maintaining a long term relationship through addiction, relapse, and recovery.

For more Dusty,  follow him on IG @jdustygrimes - and follow us while you are at it @gayapodcast

Check out our Post-Show to hear us get to know Dusty better at www.patreon.com/gayapodcast

Until next time, stay sober friends!

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Steve:

Hi everyone and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-martin, I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for my coworker Kayla. As of this recording, I am 629 days sober, and today we're welcoming back friend of the pod. Dusty, welcome back. Dust. Hi.

Dusty:

Thanks for having me. Yeah.

Steve:

Yes. And it has been sometimes since we've had you on. Why don't you reintroduce yourself to our listeners who might not have heard you recently? So,

Dusty:

my name's Dusty. I live in Nashville now. I did grow up in Tennessee, but I lived most of my, well, all of my adult life up until the last two years. I lived in Atlanta. I lived there from 98 until 2020. and I have been working on sobriety since January of 2017.

Steve:

Excellent. And what's been new in your life since our last episode? I believe it was like eight to 10 months ago,

Dusty:

so I. I think I mentioned maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I, I've started working on an entrepreneurial project that has been a goal in my mind for actually a few years, but I took the first steps. toward that last summer, and I'm actively working on this now. And basically what it is, is I bought a vintage camper from 1976, and I'm converting that into a mobile bar. No, I'm just kidding. I'm converting it into a mobile photo booth for parties in events and wedding receptions and that type of, I saw one at an event I was at for well, Norton now it's almost five years ago. And just thought it was the coolest thing and I fell in love with it and I said I'm, that's my career plan ever since then. And it's actually at the paint shop right now. I'm, I'm pretty excited about it. I'm nervous about it at the same time too, but I'm also very anxious. Be able to focus on that solely and leave my current

Steve:

job. That sounds very exciting and very cool. Thanks. And out of all the topics that we could discuss today, why did you choose the topic of marriage?

Dusty:

Well quite honestly, I think I've got a lot to, I, I, I actually. I feel like I've got some knowledge in this department. Mm-hmm. I, I'm 43 now. My husband now, we've been together in April it will be 19 years, and I, we've been through a lot in 19 years and, I felt like this was a, we could go through a lot of, of, of of subjects and details in

Steve:

this. Yeah, sure. Well, why don't we start at the beginning and tell us about how you found yourself married, like the courtship process.

Dusty:

We met at a bathhouse. no. in the shower. I'm not embarrassed to say it. Mm-hmm. my first words to him were not, hello? It wasn't high. It wasn't even, you were cute. My first words to him out of my mouth literally were, I'm a grower, not a shower. I don't know how I remember that because I was beyond wasted. Mm-hmm. On a lot of in fact, that was the first night that I, I don't even remember everything I did that night. And I know it kind of sounds in the tone of my voice, like I'm proud of it. But yeah, I was 24. I mean, I was, I actually just said to Chris the other day, I don't know what, it wasn't to him, it was just somebody else. I don't remember why this topic came up, but I was in a very dark. Depressed, we'll say dark, makes it sound like I was of self-harming it. It wa it wasn't that I, I was in a very depressed period from about the fall of 2003 up until when I met Chris, which is, was in April of 2004. But anyway, met at a bathhouse, you know, super cute story, I think. We started seeing each other immediately, and I al, first of all, I was never very good at Dave. I just wasn't. And I was good at sleeping around. I wasn't good at Dave. So I you know, kind of, I got attached to him very quickly. I'm not gonna go into all the details, but. and I don't regret any of that. I told him I was falling in love with him within the first 48 hours. I mean, honestly, like when I say it out loud, people are gonna be like, you're a psycho. But I honestly don't regret it. He did get scared and, and try to push me away about 10 days or two weeks in which I, he doesn't like it when I talk about that. But he's not in the house right now. He can't hear me. Mm-hmm. But I wasn't. Gonna let him push me away. He got very, very close. And he's six years older than me. We're super happy. We have a great relationship. We've been through a lot. But you know, obviously he's, let's see, I'm 43. He's, pardon me, about to be 40. In April. So we're at a completely different point in our life sobriety, or not just at our age. Mm-hmm. we are at a much different place and our, our val values, our values, our focuses priorities. That's where I was looking for, are completely different now than they were, you know, in 19 years ago. Yeah,

Steve:

I can, I can certainly imagine even. Having been married almost 10 years now, like, it, it, it's amazing how much can change in that time. Yeah. Now having met under the influence, then it kind of answers the question of like, what came first, the recovery or the marriage. How did, would you say your addiction affected the marriage?

Dusty:

So I. I may have said this when I was on before I, you know, I was drinking and, and partying and doing drugs in my twenties and it didn't become a scary problem until I was in my mid thirties and it was the alcohol that got insanely out of control and then cocaine followed. As far as like just, I mean, I was doing cocaine before, but it just. so out of control then, but it was primarily the alcohol. In my twenties, in the first several years of us being together, we would the drinking was under C for our purposes. It was under control, you know, it was probably not even every. Which compared to what it was like by the time I was 35 was completely different. Cause at 35, well 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, it was from the moment I got out of bed until the moment I went to bed. So it wasn't a problem. You know, we would go, I remember like the, especially the first like year and a half or two years, so. I was still like, we were both very much into the, the party scene. We were very into going to the clubs and, and dancing and you know, staying out all night on Saturday night, but then we'd, you know, lay around the house on Sunday like you do and go to work on Monday, and you just push through it. It's a lot easier when you're much younger, obviously, even if I wanted to do that now. I'd be like a zombie.

Steve:

And when would you say that the drinking started to really impact or negatively affect the relat?

Dusty:

When I was 34 was thi was when things took scary turn. That was in 2014. When my drinking has gotten out of control, it has always been linked to my unhappiness work-wise. I took a promotion and it's so sad and I, I mean, I'm so, it, I can admit this, like when I was 33, I worked for this company. I loved my position, loved it. So good. So, so good at it. Rocking the house. Happy, happy, happy. I got, offered a promotion that I had. I don't want to say I had the company that I worked for, I'm not gonna say it cuz it's a retailer that everyone is familiar with. I don't wanna talk bad about them, but the thing with this company is they like to promote people and they also like to kind of thrust you into something really fast. And also they were. Clear in a non-clear way about, okay, we'll offer you a promotion. If you say no, you might get another one on down the road offered to you, and you say no to that, you can forget it. Mm-hmm. in the future. It was very like that, and they build you up. You're fabulous. You're fabulous, you're fabulous. You're perfect for this position. I took this promotion. It was terrible decision on my part. Absolutely hated it. Hated it. Couldn't, you know, leave work at work. I wasn't sleeping well. I was so stressed out. I was eating horribly. I was drinking nonstop. This is when it started. So it got a little better when I was 35. And then at 36 I left that company, went to work for another retailer. That a friend recruited me to go to, and that's when everything went off the rails. It was awful at that point. So mid

Steve:

thirties. Yeah. And, and how did it impact the, the relationship? Like did you, did you have fights or the conversations or how did that all go down?

Dusty:

A very distinct distance between us. Mm-hmm. I mean, obviously I, you know, I could keep it kind of under wraps from people around me, but I, I wasn't even trying to keep it under wraps from, from him. I mean, he knew what was going on. He hated it. He hated it for me. But, you know, he can't like, put me in handcuffs and, and, and, and tie me to the chair and keep me from, you know, living. You know, every time I left the house I was drinking, and I mean, he was drinking too, but he wasn't nearly as bad as I was. Mm-hmm. So it's not like we weren't keeping it in the house. We did have fights fights about the drinking, fights about little things. We allowed little things to just irk us and get under our skin and it, and it wasn't, it wasn't.

Steve:

Yeah, no, I can, I can relate to a, a lot of that with my marriage. I don't know whether I would've stayed with myself if I was in their position at times with how bad I'd got near the end, but I'm very

Dusty:

glad that he stayed. Oh, absolutely. I've, so I've said to people before that he should have left me mm-hmm. a few times.

Steve:

Yeah. But how has getting sober ch changed your marriage?

Dusty:

Oh, wow. More patience. Mm-hmm. More empathy. I mean, all the normal things that would come with sobriety anyway. Just kind of introduce that into, or reintroduce that into a relationship. Were able to talk to each other or we have been able to talk to each other so much. A lot more kindness and a lot more gratitude. Mm-hmm.

Steve:

Yeah. That's great. And you know, even with recovery, marriage isn't always sunshine and rainbows. How would you say things have changed in the way that you confront life challenges together?

Dusty:

We're just more of a cohesive unit. Mm-hmm. which w we, we were always pretty tight anyway. I mean, even when things were bad, we still, I mean, obviously we're still together. I mean, we tried very hard to. not let the problems and the arguments split us up. We are I think a little bit more open to how the other one feels in a situation. Mm-hmm. now he still drinks. the sobriety is just me. Although obviously now, since we're not keeping it in the house anymore, it's not as often with him. Mm-hmm.

Steve:

Yeah, cuz I know in my experience my husband, like we don't keep it in the house and when we go out, there are times where like I knew he, he normally would take a drink but he is not because I'm there and like, it almost like makes me like wish that he would just like have the drink cuz it doesn't bother me. It bothers like him almost more than it bothers me. Yeah. Like do you have experiences like that or what's it

Dusty:

So not so much with him and I'll tell you why. Being at a restaurant at a table and someone has a drink right across me, somehow that doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me at all. Mm-hmm. that's not a, that's not a situation that gives me an urge. Yeah. That, that's not an issue. You know, we can go to, I don't know, a play or concert and he, he can drink a little. man. He's not getting sloshed. Yeah, but that's fine. My triggers lie elsewhere and so now that I say that loud, it just kinda, it makes me even more grateful that that part doesn't bother me. Mm-hmm. You know, we can go to an event, we can go to a restaurant. We've even been. a few drag shows, which I'm not doing that as much anymore, but I'll, if the situation's dry, like I'm not gonna go watch a drag show at a bar at 11 o'clock at night. Like those days are over. Yeah. But like a brunch situation or something like that. Yeah, I'll do that.

Steve:

Yeah. And if a listener is currently struggling in their relationship, what advice do you have for them?

Dusty:

Well, You know, looking over that question, that's, that's actually a really tough one. If you're struggling in your man, you know what? I'm gonna take the sobriety and the alcohol portion outta it. I will tell you about, so Chris and I, there was a time when I was, this was in 20. Yeah. I was working full-time and going to school at night and on Saturdays I did this for a full year. And needless to say that alone, like this wasn't a heavy alcohol period cause I didn't and I hadn't reached my a addictions type then. Mm-hmm. just because we were apart so much. We really, really had a tough year as a couple. So we decided to go to a therapist, a relationship counselor, and I, I'm a huge supporter of that. It helped us so much, but I know that that's something that some people are very pro and some people just cannot make themselves walk through that door. Mm-hmm. I'm just gonna say a therapist if you choose one wisely is, can be very, very, very, very helpful. But the other thing I wanna say is, you know, I, every relationship's different. However, I don't really if, if you've got a problem in your relationship, you have to talk about it. And I know that that sounds very reductive and trite. you can't expect the other person to read your mind. I don't care how long you've been together. If something's bothering you, you have to verbalize it. I get in trouble at work every once in a while. I speak my mind a lot. Yeah. If I don't like how something's working, I say This is a problem. I have no problem saying what's on my mind. I dunno, that's not super easy for a lot of people, but it's important if there's a problem that you need to discuss.

Steve:

Yeah, no, that's great advice. I know that I would normally run from problems straight to alcohol normally. So facing problems now, like I realized for the longest time, like there were certain things that either like the solution, like around the house, like little things like my husband leaving. This there, like putting garbage on top of the garbage can instead of inside when it's full. And just like, it would, I would get so mad for like days and then I was just like, why don't I just take it out at that point? Like, and just like little fixes like that. But like, also just like talking about like one time he put it down and I was like, that bother throws me more than, you know, every time. And he's like, I had no idea I won't do that again. And it was just like that simple, just like exchange, just solves so much frustration and it just doesn't always be the, it's not always the first thing you think. Well, it the

Dusty:

little things. The little things like that. Mm-hmm. are what start, and then if you don't say anything, then a bigger thing. And then you're just ready to explode. And what will set you off is a little thing that's no good, then you look like a dick. Yeah. That makes you look immature.

Steve:

Yeah, I agree. And if someone is struggling in their recovery or sobriety, what advice might you have for them? Hmm.

Dusty:

Well there's a lot of things you can do. First of all, you know, I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this, but there's so many, and I just want to tell the listeners, you did not tell me to say this, but there's so many podcasters, influencers, and I hate that word by the way. There are so many people on social media that are talking about these subjects and giving advice and, and telling what works for them. It's not hard to sync up with other people that are doing the same thing that you're doing online to try to help people. Yes, a therapist is fabulous. Are they expensive? Absolutely. Start with searching social media. to get those little daily tips mm-hmm. to make you feel like you're making some sort of progress with leaning into sobriety. And also you know, engaging with the social media presence surrounding sobriety will also, again, it sounds so trite. hearing other people's stories will help you more than you think it will.

Steve:

Yeah, it certainly does. And I can also say that as one of the people that it, podcasts or not podcasts, that Instagram's about recovery regularly. That also in addition to like what I post, there's never like a message that I have left like unresponded with in like more than a day. Like I love it when people reach out as well. So I'm sure like most people are like, oh, I don't wanna bother them. Cuz that's how I was when I got sober with like anyone. Oh,

Dusty:

I don't think that at all. Well,

Steve:

But like, I, I, I, I know that that was the struggle that I had at first was like, that my sponsor was like, call three people a day was like, but how you mean like I might ruin three people's days with my phone calls and like, it just, it was a muscle that I had to practice. Yeah. Excellent. And if someone wanted to reach out to you on the instances and socials, how would they do that? So

Dusty:

my Instagram is, J Dusty Grim. So that's j D u s t y G R. Im e s. I'm not on TikTok, although I know I'll have to be for the photo booth. So the photo booth will be on, but it is not yet. Okay. But for me, for Dusty, yes. I'm on Instagram. Perfect. And I'm not on.

Steve:

Okay. Sounds good. Well, I am also on Instagram KA podcast, but with that, thank you Dusty. Stick around cuz we're gonna talk more on the post show. But in the meantime, it was a pleasure having this discussion with you. Thank you and thanks listeners for tuning into another episode of Gay. You can join our patron family or listen today at patreon.com/gay. A. and if you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying, hi, I'm an email away@gapodcastgmail.com, and until next time, everyone stay sober.

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