gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show
gAy A delivers inspiring stories about queer people in sobriety who are achieving amazing feats in their recovery, proving that we are all LGBTQIA+ sober heroes.
If you are looking for a safe space where all queer people, no matter their gender, sexual orientation, age, length of sober time, or method of recovery are valid, this is the sober show for you. If you are sober, you are a hero!
This show is not affiliated with any program or institution, so you will hear stories from alcoholics and addicts where people mention getting sober using recovery methods such as rehabilitation, both inpatient and outpatient rehabs, sober living, hospitals, and some of us who got sober at home on our own. Guests may mention twelve step programs like AA, CMA, SMART Recovery, or other methods, while accepting that no one answer is perfect for everyone.
This podcast will provide valuable insights for any interested in learning more about queer recovery, from those of us with years or even decades of recovery under their belt, to people just beginning their sobriety journey, to even the sober curious or friends and family of alcoholics and addicts.
Each week, host Sober Steve the Podcast Guy tries to answer the following questions in various formats and with different perspectives:
· How do I get and stay sober in the queer community?
· Can you have fun while being sober and gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, or queer?
· What does a sober life as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community look like?
· Where do sober gay and queer people hang out?
· How can I have good sex sober?
· What are tips and tricks for early sobriety?
· How can I get unstuck or out of this rut in my recovery?
· How will my life change if I get sober?
· Can you be queer and sober and happy?
· How can I untangle sex and alcohol and drugs?
gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show
Success in Sobriety ft. Christopher V
Welcome to gAy A: The Super Soberhero Show! In this episode, we dive into the inspiring journey of our guest, Christopher, a fragrance and skin care developer and fashion designer. He shares his experiences with sobriety, the challenges he faced, and the resilience he developed. From creating his own line of fragrances to navigating personal struggles, Christopher's story is one of strength and determination.
Our host, Steve, also discusses his own sobriety journey and the impact of joining a kickball league on his perception of team sports. Plus, we'll explore the importance of community support and the evolving perspectives on sobriety.
Check out Bloke NYC at www.blokenyc.com and find Christopher at https://www.facebook.com/chris.valiante
Engage with Steve on the socials @gayapodcast, email him at steve@sobersteve.com or add him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/steven.bennet.90/
Enjoy exclusive content and early access at over at www.patreon.com/gayapodcast
Hey there, super Sober Heroes, it's your host, sober Steve, the podcast guy here with 1026 Days Sober, and I am thrilled to introduce you to our guest this week, christopher from Bloke NYC Perfume. Before we get into that amazing interview, though, I am happy to report that today I am feeling grateful for my kickball league, which is wild because up until recently I would never have thought that I'd be a team sports kind of guy. It is something that I was very I was told by other people from a very young age that I wasn't capable of, that I didn't fit in, that I stuck out that I would never be good. There was a lot of rules that people threw on to me about how I perform in sports because it maybe didn't come as naturally to me as other children and it's been in sobriety. But especially recently, as I'm peeling back the onion further and opening myself up to new experiences and things like that that I met a couple guys at the local kind of gay networking happy hour thing. I had my you know sober drink in my hand, my soda, and was networking away and I was able to talk with these two guys who talked about how much fun they have at kickball and they assured me that you know, you don't need to be very good at it. That one time they even had a guy when they kicked the ball the first time that he ran the like the opposite way along the bases because, like they weren't sure exactly how baseball or kickball worked, in what direction, cause they I guess as an adult they had never even gotten that far in the concept. And that made me feel better, because at least I know which way to go when I do eventually kick the ball and don't have an out result in my kicking it too high and then people catching it quite easily. So I am having a blast with it.
Speaker 1:But I'd love to talk it out a little bit more and then also get an idea of what some of your experiences were like, because I know, growing up as a young queer child and a little gay boy especially, I at first, like for the longest time, even as an adult, was convinced that the reason why I was bad at sports or didn't perform well was just because of my sexuality. Cause I knew from even like at that age, people were telling me I was gay before I really understood what it was meaning. Oftentimes it was in less cruel words and terms and derogatory slangs than gay or queer. But it wasn't always great and I would always say that that's why I can't do sports or that's why I'm bad at it. But even now, as I'm learning more about kickball as well as being part of an organized team, it is also, I think, something that at least for me in my experience, I guess that a lot of teams like have weekly practices and things like that, and I remember hearing like that my team would meet but my parents would only take me like maybe once every two or three practices that they would have because my parents were so busy or they were so tired or they couldn't handle taking me to practice. And I never really like the whole trope that you see of like dads throwing kickballs or kicking soccer balls or like playing with their kids. Like my dad was always not interested in that. He had other or better things to do over the weekend than spend time with his kids. So and my brother never really wanted to play with me or like I don't remember trying hard to instigate it with him at least who knows where that went but at the end of the day, like I didn't practice whatever sports that I was playing with the team in an organized manner or at home in a casual manner.
Speaker 1:So now that I'm doing sports as an adult and I'm doing those types of things where I'm training and preparing and practicing and warming up before the games and talking with my teammates, I'm like I didn't do any of that as a kid. Like no wonder why, when I showed up as this like other person on the team that the kids didn't really know from practices and I didn't really know what I was doing because I hadn't been to practice. Like no wonder why I didn't perform admirably or no wonder why they put me like way out into the outfield so far back that they knew that no balls would find me. You know, it was just definitely I wasn't set up for success. And then I took the negative feelings that came from those circumstances and turn them into rules that I listened to for quite some time about how I perform athletically and how I perform in group situations as well, that you know that's how I show up, that I'm other, that I don't contribute as much, that I'm not a good team player, that I'm not capable, that I won't even understand what they're saying half the time and I love that. That's not where I am today. I have an amazing team. I have friends that I'm making in the league. I'm learning all sorts of rules, I'm having fun with it, which I see some people who are playing kickball that don't even seem like they're having as much fun and I think that's depending on what team and who your captain is. But I know that a lot of us in the league most of us are there to have fun and to meet people and it's been a great way to do it and I love that it's during the daytime, while there is.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes I see other people drinking around me. They all know that I'm sober. I haven't even been offered it and even being around it hasn't really been bothering me. And there's a bunch of other sober people because I guess a lot of times when you go out to places and you mentioned like, hey, I'm sober, other people aren't necessarily recovering out loud on Facebook and posting all about their sobriety, but they still might be sober and fellows and it's been nice connecting with some of the people who are sober in town and that are peers and are queer and around my age, because we've been able to also do things like go to meetings together and it's really expanded and that you know I'm going to meetings. That I found through meeting them, through doing kickball. So it's interesting how my sobriety led to kickball, which is enriching my sobriety. It's just this great circle that I wasn't expecting after hearing about it and just saying why not?
Speaker 1:But I guess that's the beauty of when you put yourself in these new situations where when someone offers for you to join a kickball league, like if I didn't see, like I at the time was like I don't see any red flags and like my gut was to say no, because my guts to say no, to like any new thing that's unfamiliar to me, because oftentimes I can be scared and have fear over the unknown. And then I thought it through and I was like what do I have to lose? It was, you know, registration for the entire year was like $75. I was like I've blown that on worse things much quicker than that. So why not give it a shot? And I am a few weeks into being part of the league and our seasons are just starting and it's just the beginning.
Speaker 1:But I'm very excited that I allowed myself to be open to this because again, it was taking all these rules that I had about what I was capable of and the type of person I was and the type of person that I wasn't or the type of person I couldn't be, and just saying fuck it, let's give it a shot, let's see what happens. And it's been great. So I'm very grateful for that right now, and I'm also grateful for this next guest, christopher. He might not have mentioned it during the interview, but he was not feeling his best during the recording and the fact that he still showed up and gave such an amazing interview was raw and open and vulnerable, with his sharing of his experience, strength and hope. I am very excited to share that with you.
Speaker 1:So before I pass you over to him and our interview there, I'd love to hear what your thoughts on kickball or just maybe not kickball, that's very specific but on team sports in general, and how your views on them might have changed in recovery. If anything that I just shared about, about my experiences with kickball, ring true to you, let me know. You can do that by emailing me at Steve at soberstevecom, or I'm on all the socials at gay podcast, but I love hearing other people who learn that they're able to do things they never thought were possible, and sobriety like joining a kickball team. So let me know and then, in the meantime, enjoy the interview with Christopher. Hey there, super Sober Heroes, it's Steve here with our guest of the week, christopher. Welcome, christopher, how you?
Speaker 2:doing guys? How are you all out there?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was great getting to meet you in the here queer sober Facebook group. Thank you for agreeing to come on, of course, of course, and of course I love this. Yeah, and I loved how great it was when you introduced yourself. You also sent me your website right away. I am just to confirm it's a bloke. What is how you pronounce your colon? And?
Speaker 2:yes, well, like a London bloke. So I am. I'm actually a resident of Australia but I'm born and raised in Jersey, jersey boy, but I got my start in Australia. So when I did this line, this specific line, bloke even if you look at the crest, like everything with both has a story behind it. And the the story behind the crest was so I figured, bloke is, you know, like a, like a man. You know, london bloke, australian bloke. And then in the actual crest itself it's like this coat of arms, but at the same time it's one side has this kangaroo reaching for like his sword, and obviously that's Australia. And I was like, so what is New Jersey? What is New Jersey? And I was like, ah, zebra, I love it. So I was like, you know, so we've got this, like you know, majestic kangaroo, and then there's the zebra. But everything has a story. But go on, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, why don't we start with what's your favorite part of being a member of the sober community today?
Speaker 2:So, my God, I can tell you so many stories. This would have to be in chapters. So I got started very, very young, very young. In fact. You probably won't know who this is, but some of our good old-timers will know who this is. So my first sponsor was a gentleman named Jim Mahoney and I can hear the gasp right now in your older listeners of yours but Jim Mahoney's first sponsor was Bill W. I know that name. So let's just say I look good from my age. So, yeah, I've been around for a very long time. What I had done though I did a little bit asked backwards is I have been sleeping sober from drugs for about 21 years, but I still drank occasionally, and when I drank I drank more than normal people would. But I was never an alcoholic, and then I was. So now I'm completely free of everything, alcohol included, for a year. About two weeks ago I celebrated my year.
Speaker 1:Congratulations.
Speaker 2:But it's still like it's a year, but it's not. But it is and it's funny. Anybody who's trying the path I'm doing, which is just drinking, don't do it. You'll eventually become an alcoholic, if you aren't already. But what I can say to you is the best way I can describe it is 21 years of being clean from drugs and I have never once picked up a coin, a chip, a key tag, a kitten nothing, oh my God. I've never done anything. In fact, the only chips that I have are the one day newcomer chips, which I could open up my own bingo hole right now if I had to. But this year, celebrating this one year sober from alcohol, I was like I want my fucking chip and my coin. Like I was like this is it? I invited my family. I was like everyone will worship this progress. I was like this was not easy.
Speaker 1:So yeah, it certainly is an easy, but what's your favorite part of being sober today?
Speaker 2:OK. So this is a very interesting question. So I have a love hate relationship with this. One is that I'm learning so much about myself and I'm an intelligent guy and I went to war in the whole nine yards. So I always think of myself as like, oh, I know this, I know that.
Speaker 2:But when you really what people think a lot of times is that getting clean and sober is going to be so hard to give up the alcohol, that's actually the easiest part. The hardest part is all the reasons that you drank or did drugs are there, except now you don't have a way to just mid through it. You've got to actually deal. And so I love the fact that I'm learning a lot about myself so I had no idea about. But in the same token, I hate that because I'm like, oh my god, I act like this and that's where it comes in all the step work and things like needing to change and all these different things. So where before I guess you could say I was a dry drunk who happened to be a good person, but not a sober person. You know, very big difference.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean for someone who's had a love of fragrance from like a child you shared on your website. How did your drinking affect your work and your passion?
Speaker 2:OK. So in business there is left side and right side of the brain and I'm a total left side of the brain creative. Me and one of my old girlfriends used to have a saying. She was always like my girl Friday and she would say Christopher is the creative. She said I have no creativity in me at all. She said so Christopher comes to me and said I think I want to make a rainbow. And she says and then I'll take out a pen and paper and say OK, how many inches, how many feet, what diameter are we looking at?
Speaker 2:So what had happened was I went through a very unfortunate situation, being in the gay world and in the non-sober world, and I had an absolute mental breakdown and because of that my then investors tried to take blow from me. So and I really couldn't fight I mean, all I cared about was drinking the day away because I just didn't care. Then I got to a point where I called my Tina Turner moment, where I was like you know what? They can have all the money, they can have everything. I just want my name. I want my name, just like Tina Turner said that's all I want, I'll be fine and sure as shit. I was like come on, guys, like we're back and forth in court, I don't want this business at all. I was like you know, you're just trying to play whose dick is bigger. And I said I'm tired. I said so why don't you take all the money that you said that we made you, keep it and just give me all the inventory and my name. And they're right. And they did so and it was interesting because I always felt like I got really screwed, which I essentially did.
Speaker 2:But when I went back to work for this management program, we all had to go around and say what we do for a living and stuff like that. This program, only, out of 9,000 people that applied, only 28 people were picked and I was one of them and I was shocked. So I go there and this one raises their hand they cured this type of cancer. And this one raised their hand that they're the CFO of Volvo and I'm like I make soap. So I had no idea what I was doing there.
Speaker 2:But when I had to share my story, much like AA, it was my turn to share my story and I brought up what had happened and, with the investors, this gentleman had come up to me, refined and he said I just want you to know something. He said what happened to you? He said it happens every day, 10 times a day. He said to young entrepreneurs, especially gay entrepreneurs. They're filled with these great ideas, but they don't have a strong business background. He said and then people who do and have money capitalize on that. They sort of make all their dreams come true for like a year. And then they're like I know it's mine.
Speaker 2:So the guy said to me so don't beat yourself up about this happening to you. It happens to everyone. He said but applaud yourself. He said, because I cannot tell you. He said I think you're the first person I've ever seen walk away with something. He's like usually people just say I can't fight anymore. I can't fight anymore, let them have whatever they want and that's it. And I'm not going to lie. I did get to that point, but I eventually stood my ground and that's what did.
Speaker 1:That's excellent, though and I mean having that name then it's given you the chance, as I see online today, to rebuild and grow with it. How has it changed, in sobriety, your creativity and your work, that you do?
Speaker 2:So when I finally, I have my project that I'm most excited about. So when I got my start in fragrance in Australia, it was for a home fragrance company candle diffusers, that kind of thing and it's so cute. I have this advice bedroom which I would show you, but no, because it's technically a second bedroom, home office, game room, trophy room. It's a mess, it's everything. So, yeah, I need at least another bedroom in my home. So it makes no sense. But I actually have the first candle I ever made and I remember thinking I was like hot shit, and it was based on Cradle Mountain, which is in Tasmania and that was the name of it, Cradle Mountain, and it was Guava and Sandalwood. And just to show you what level I was at, it was Guava and Sandalwood, that's it. That's all I know how to do. I took two things and put them together Like I mean, we're now, if we look at what I do I mean the list of ingredients on what I do is staggering, but at the time I thought it was cool.
Speaker 2:So once I finally got sober in the interim, before I got sober, I was working on a women's line to credit to blow. That was always my plan. And then my plan was, when all of that took off, I was going to do what I thought was a cheaper price line for target as a home range and just sell out. I didn't have to be the big designer I was becoming. I was like I'd rather be paid than famous, who cares? But I ended up, when I got sober, creating this home range, which is called Abizionne Velliente, which is home in Italian, and actually I think I could bear with me what I did by the time. This Christmas New Year's game, all the samples are done, Everything's done. So now all I have to do is go back to the drawing board and start out my pitch stacks and try to get investors in this, and then this will be a reality. I changed it from low end to extremely high end and it wasn't my intention, but it just what I was coming across and how I developed in.
Speaker 2:Like I said, I took so much from that pain of why I drank, then drinking, then quitting all of that, and I put it into one specific fragrance. You can tell, and it's funny because when you were attempting to call me, literally at that moment, somebody was placing an order for a Benji clone to put a gift. So there you go. But somebody was placing an order for Benji clone and for our body bars. So people who know that there's a story behind it and it's not just a conglomerate, they know that the line is very personal, comes with a lot of pain and love and hopefulness and letdowns and left and right, and I feel like it permeates. When you own it You're like, oh, he didn't just make this like in a factory and say let's make 10,000 of these and hope they sell it. Let's put glitter on it and see what people think. You know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean. What I also found fascinating learning more about the different sense in the clones that you offer is the stories behind each, because it's not just the ingredients that you craft and weave into a story, but it's actual experiences. Why don't you share with our listeners?
Speaker 2:Yeah, dany Gondi. Oh, I walked right into that, all right. So for my gaze over viewers, I'm going to tell you, which is probably not very big bookie of me, but what I did was when I first created bloke, each clone is named after a person that I met, and what country or state most of the countries that I met them in and they are all ex-boyfriends, and this was my way of saying. You broke up with me fuck you. Now you're a product and look what you gave away. You know, and I know, I know that's horrible, it's absolutely the just, you know. But hey, listen, I got called this on the runway one day. Someone said, oh, you're like the Adele of Fragrances, and I was like I don't know Me. But yeah, you know. I mean, if that you know, singers singers let their pain out through their songs and their writing, and this was my way of doing it, you know. So I, yeah, I had a platform and I used it.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, and I mean just out of curiosity, with the positive experiences of having these clones out there out in the world and creating them, did any of them kind of heal the way that you looked at those relationships or change the way you think about them?
Speaker 2:You know, what's really funny is I wish I had some salacious story to tell you, but they all sort of panned out the way that they kind of already were Like. So Ofer and I like he was never a boyfriend, boyfriend but he held a huge part of my heart. We're in contact as much as we can be. We're really different, blake and I talk, you know, when we can. My thought. There's a long story behind that, because I'm not even going to go there, adrian, I have no idea how to find him.
Speaker 2:The one I find the most interesting is Bruno. Bruno was my first ever crush love, whatever you want to call it, when you're a kid, you know, 18 years old, and to this day I shit you not. I actually saw him a few months ago on a dating app and it's looking, and he looked just like I mean, he was in great, great shape, ridiculous, and I was like huh, and he, like you know, liked my photos and stuff like that, and I was like you got me talking to me, so I I wish it was back. I was like hey, I was like aren't you, bruno? I'm like. I was like we dated. I made a call off you Remember Boom, delete his profile. Everything got him Like what did I do to this guy that is so bad? I was like, I don't even like I don't want to say my age, but who cares, I'm 44. Mine is 18 and he's still mad. I'm so.
Speaker 1:That's so interesting, though, the way that that all worked out with the names. I love that. And what would you say is your favorite part of your life today?
Speaker 2:Okay, so I'm going to speak to the people that are at my one year level or close to it or you know, whatever. If you guys are in my range, here's what I would say. One thing that I love and it's kind of condescending, but I'm a condescending person, I know it is that I'm very strongly opinionated on things and I'm. My opinions are usually well thought out, well researched, and they're radical. And my family, being so old school, you know, have this mentality which, if you're from Jersey, I don't even have to say anymore.
Speaker 2:You probably know I'm going with us, but they, you know, they have their beliefs and what they would say is anytime, anytime I would voice my opinion, they'd go. Are you on something you know? Like, do you need to pee in a cup? Like what's wrong? Your eyes look funny and it would. It would terrify me and it still happens. But I at least know today that no, I'm just simply sharing with you an opinion that you don't agree with. Like, and stop trying to, you know, sort of marginalize me or or something like that, and say, well, of course he's thinking like that because he's drunk or because he's high or something it's like. No, I think like that because that's how I think you know, so it's tricky, but I do love that point.
Speaker 1:And thank you for sharing that. And while you've had the one year alcohol free, you've had experience of sobriety of different flavors throughout the decades. So what did your sober community look like and how has that developed?
Speaker 2:Meeting, meeting, meetings, meetings, meetings, you know, and I, I, I can't imagine. I can only say that I'm fortunate that you know. A lot of people talk on New Jersey. You know this, and I have lived almost anywhere you can pinpoint on a globe between work or relationships or whatever. I've lived there and I always end up back in New Jersey, and I can say this with great earnest is that, as far as LA goes, I actually have more friends in California than I do here, but I could never live there.
Speaker 2:Like my home is New York, new Jersey period, and I'm grateful for it, because I don't know, big shout out to Kansas. I don't know if this many years ago, kansas had what we had in New Jersey, where we had what was called the lavender list, and you know this meant, you know your gay meeting was here on Mondays, here on Tuesdays, here on Mondays. Not saying, you know, and that's one thing I would like to get across is you don't have to go to gay meetings, like you know, it's just, it's totally up to you. So, as you go to a meeting, doesn't, doesn't matter what it is, but I'm glad that I had that option, you know so and, like I said, big shout out to Kansas. I apologize for using your name, but I just wonder you know, did? Did people out in Kansas have this kind of luxury where they can say you know, I'm going to go to the gay meetings tonight? I don't know that they did. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I definitely have learned, because when I first got sober I was very much that where I needed to go to queer meetings or like gay meetings, and I've learned since then to kind of you go where you need to get the medicine and you know.
Speaker 2:I find that too, like I like my first initial thing is always, you know, go to the gay groups, go to the groups. And then, you know, after been going so long, sometimes it's back. I don't I mean so wait. This is why I went to the straight meeting the last time. You know, like I sit back and I look because, listen, it's it's, it's still sobriety, but it's still.
Speaker 2:You know, everyone has to remind me of this, as I remind you know people, you know newcomer under me, I always say remember, these people are no better than you, they are just drunks that haven't drank in a while. You know. So you know, to take what they say to heart or let it affect you is normal, but don't do it. You know, like, because it's, you know it's, you think it with a grain of salt, it's almost impossible to do so. That's why you know gay men, or gay men, and they, they will sort of judge you or kind of make smirks and certain things like that, where you want your straight meeting, that's just not going to happen. They don't really care, they just want to know did you drink? Nope, okay, good, tell us how. You know. So sometimes you need to be that humble to go backwards all the way to like manimal and just go. You know what I didn't drink today. I'm a good guy, that's it, you know. But you know the other thing that you know to the top of your question you were saying about something I love about sobriety is service work. When I say service work, I don't mean making coffee or bringing cookies or things like that. I mean, like me and you, if I hear, see, or or or think I can help someone in a certain way, again I'm on it. You know, like I try to make sure that if it's something that I am capable of that somebody's struggling with, give them a hand, because there's plenty of things that I don't know how to do. You know, and if somebody was gracious enough to say, oh, I do that, let me show you how, or I'll do it for you for like five bucks. That's the community that we should be gearing towards, like that's, you know.
Speaker 2:I think that that concept has been lost upon a lot of people is that you know we are one community based under one, one idea, which is, you know, to stay sober. And you know if we have these little opportunities and things that you know, they that we can do, you know. For example, we can say a young newbie comes up to me and says you know, my sponsor is going to celebrate 25 years and I really want to get him a present, but I, I don't. I don't have anything. You know, I'm still living in a sober house. I would instantly give him something from the house to give to sponsors.
Speaker 2:But because that's something I can do you know what I mean Can I change this tire? No, but you know. But, but what I can do, I'm going to do so and I wish people, if you leave with nothing else tonight, please leave with that. You know, try to think of what one skill you have that me, nobody else in the world has, and and that you can offer to anybody like that, and then you're golden and try to implement it. You know, like I always say, I had this list of things that I, you know, wouldn't be doing or would be doing whatever in the in the new year, you know, always hold the door for people. I do that anyway. You'd be surprised how thankful people are over the door. Like, when did we become that culture where you don't hold the door for eight month pregnant women holding three lattes, like you know, like, like that much have been good for the pregnant woman.
Speaker 1:You know, I don't know, we're overpopulated as it is.
Speaker 2:I blame clients, but no, I don't know, it's probably not. Yes, but she didn't have sushi. But but you know just little things like that. Like here's another one that I love and actually I want you to take this challenge. Okay, so I no longer use up like eliminated it from my vocabulary. I don't use the word deserve, I use the word earned. So I don't say, for example, you know what Wednesday I'm, I'm getting a massage and you know what? I worked so hard, I deserve this. No one deserves anything. We are the only country in the world they did a poll that the children actually are born into thinking that they're owed something. Only country. But when you say earn, it means you work for it, you work hard for it, you deserve it, you know. So that's, that's the end of the story. It's like I'm going to the spa on Wednesday. I worked so hard this week, I've earned it. That is a credibility right there. It doesn't sound so entirely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like that. I definitely vastly between earning and also I say claim. Sometimes I say I'm claiming that, but that just also just feels very grabby and we don't want to go around claiming things that are in our ass. I will earn the rates Right, excellent. And you spoke on some great advice for newcomers earlier. If someone was listening and somehow was sober curious, what would you, what kind of advice would you give them?
Speaker 2:So I lived in Dallas for a while and I took away a few really great messages from Dallas. That was when I was young and coming off drugs. What I would say for starters if you're asking yourself if you're an alcoholic or addict, you probably are, but I'm like, if you, if you, if you're entertaining that thought, there's a good chance. You're right, because regular people don't even think that you know. So that's number one. Number two people tend to believe that their lives are over once they go into AI. That's not true.
Speaker 2:Again, I'll go back to what I said before. These are all just drunk people that aren't drinking. These are the same people you're hanging out with that party and clubs anyway. They're just not drinking. I will say this your life's going to change, absolutely Not for the worse, maybe not for the better. It's just going to be different. You'll have this experience. There's new friendships, new relationships and things like that, but it's better than some of the toxic ones that we've had in our past and people that are only talking to us for what they can get or what they can do. You'll see.
Speaker 2:Like I said, don't think that going to AA is like committing yourself to the loony bin. Now they're going to lock you up and throw away the key. It's not like that. In saying this, it shows me how much I've grown, because I know I would be the one on the other end listening to this being like I got to shut up. I'm not drinking, and sitting in the basement of a church it was a bunch of people being like drinking is hard, but here I am. You have to make a choice. You have to make a choice. This is a battle, this is a war. I wish it could be a democracy, but it can't. So it has to be one voice that says when to go, when to move, when not to move. If you have this problem like I said, I'm sure you do If you're thinking it, you have to choose a side. Do you want to get sober or do you want to see how far you can take this until you either die or become close to death? Yeah, vice is up to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and as someone who spent some time saying that you could be clean but not sober and still drink, would you change that advice for them? Okay so, for me.
Speaker 2:I wish I never did that. If I could take it back I would, but we can't take things back. As you know, I don't want to say that I have the authority or the patent to be able to say don't drink or anything. I don't have that control over people. I can say that I've done it and I don't think it's a good idea. That's the best I can say.
Speaker 2:One thing is I always tell people who call me for service, work or sponsors or even in business not even just AA I always tell them listen to me very carefully. I always say I'm not smarter than you. I said what I am is if I haven't done it, I've seen it. I was so trust that what I'm saying to you has a meaning, and that's the God on the truth. So I can't sit here and say don't quit drugs but drink because I didn't do that. I can say that through my experience it didn't work out for me. Sure, I wasn't shooting up, but I was getting up at 6 o'clock in the morning and drinking Shreya Vaka and throwing it up and then drinking more, just to yeah.
Speaker 1:And you did share earlier a little bit about what you're excited for looking ahead with work. What's one thing you're looking forward to personally, or in your recovery, or socially?
Speaker 2:I want to see. Let me see if I can grab this. Hang on, pull up, getting new investors for my line, a bit of the only value in today. So these are the candles they're in black crock print with silver embossing and then they open like this and I have a proprietary mold, no one to copy this. So I'll show you what it looks like. This is coconut and black rose, which I'm thinking will be our best seller. Yeah, I love the geometry. Yeah, and, like I said, I stumbled into that. That's a conversation for another day, but I basically am too poor to have that and it just fell in my lap. I talk about sobriety, so now I own the rights to that. So, looking forward to that, I know.
Speaker 2:As far as relationship goes, I'm not ready. I stupidly try to go on dates to best time, but I'm a firm believer listen up, new people. You're only going to attract who you are. So if you're still spinning and be jiggity, that's what you're gonna find. You Firm believer of that. Just in the few dates that I've been on, I've been with people I'm just like what the fuck? They're just unbelievable. Not even just bad people Like could be in a comedy that it would never happen to a normal person. It's bad and it's out there. So take time. I thought a year was enough time for me to reflect, but, as I said, what I didn't say.
Speaker 2:My big moment of where I became a full-blown alcoholic was I went through a horrible divorce. I married my husband and he was the absolute love of my life. We were together for a couple of years. He was from Brazil and we did a wedding in secret so we could just merge our bills and he would be able to work. Then we wanted to save up for a great big wedding and it was big and really cool. I had a red carpet, everything and he was like all us gay boys could ever dream of, and the pen.
Speaker 2:We went on our honeymoon and the pandemic hit and we were forced to come home. We didn't know how bad the pandemic was. We didn't know what anything was. We got home, we weren't even in the house, we were in our driveway and he said I have to tell you I wanted a divorce. He said, now that I have my green card, I don't think I can lie and pretend that I love you. And then, boom, we were caught in a state of emergency and he and I had to live together for nine months, with me knowing that, and I was like, oh no, no, that's okay, there's more vodka. And that's literally how the story came to play. So for me, dating not a thing. Right now I actually feel like if I did date somebody, it'd be like taking a hostage. I can't even imagine what that would look like. So we've got so far professional, we've got personal. What else are we looking at?
Speaker 1:I think you have things you're looking forward to, and that's what counts.
Speaker 2:You know I'm like a simple, simple man. I mean people think you know because of different things that I do, whether it's like being in your fashion week or one way all different kinds of things. Oh, by the way, I have to give a shout out to my dear friend Andrew Warner. He's a gay manager as well. He's one of New York City's most fabulous photographers and he on the side makes these stored pins that I've been spotted wearing at all different kinds of gay events, sobriety events, and he was just spotted wearing my Benji cologne today in New York and posted a whole thing about it. If you guys like what you see he's so talented. It's a LordePint F-L-E-U-R-D-P-I-N-Scom. So in fact he did the pin for Stanford on Sex and the City before he had passed away from Bancra cancer. So yeah, he's very talented, but I had to let it.
Speaker 1:I'm already know our guest and friend of the pod, mark, would probably love that, because he loves his success. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'll take it, go ahead and make it. Mark, you can hit me up. Whatever you need. I'll tell you what. Mark, I don't know who you are, but if you decide you want something, bloke, I'll throw you in a free gift. How about that? All right, it's one helping the other. But so thank you for this opportunity. I think it's so important. You know what? That, what you're doing, is very important and and I'll tell you why I've been having this conversation lately over and, over and over again, to where I'm sure I'm annoying people that I wish it could be me, but I don't think it to be me.
Speaker 2:But we need, in the gay community, a voice. We need a gay Martin Luther King. There is no one directing us to tell us what we're doing or what we shouldn't be doing. You know there's it's like the inmates are running the prison and and if you look at some of the things that are going on, it's very damaging to a lot of the gays and younger gays. And I really sat down with this was bothering me and I said you know, let's look at the players, you know who are our worst enemies, and I'm looking at homophobes and you know all these different things and our worst enemies are us. You know we are awful to each other, you know, so you know. Hopefully we all can get through. Your creation and your inspiration of what you're doing is bringing a message and showing people that you know there's a bright side to a healthier lifestyle. You know, maybe this is just another chapter in the book.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was. I've always been. I mean, for now almost 180 episodes we've been doing the queer sobriety thing, but I recently rebranded to include the sober hero concept, just to kind of really put it out there that you know it is just the beginning, your sobriety, and that these people that are sober like like you and I like, are accomplishing amazing things. So thank you for coming on and being an inspiration to the next person.
Speaker 2:I don't think my head better than it is.
Speaker 1:Yes, and how would people find you, as well as your work, to follow or engage?
Speaker 2:To follow, I guess you, oh, you know what? The only Instagram I have is the bloke one, which is blokenyc, so B-L-O-K-E-N-Y-Ccom, my regular Facebook is just me. Christopher Valiente, careful, there's a dad one. What is my dad? I'm a junior. So please, boys, no cock shots to dad. And if you're just seeing something bloke, it's blokenyccom. Wwwblokenyccom. To engage with me Engage, I would say you have to have no job, no future and no money, and then, yeah, we'll get engaged.
Speaker 1:Oh wait you meant like engage. Oh, I think they'll message you on Facebook or Instagram to continue the conversation.
Speaker 2:I'm Boston, you're Shofskeva.
Speaker 1:I know Well. Thank you so much, Christopher. It was greatly appreciated, Really appreciated as well.
Speaker 1:All right back to the show. Thank you very much and we're back. Thank you so much, super Sober Heroes, for tuning in to another episode of Gay A. Make sure to join our Patreon family if you'd like some more exclusive content. Not only are there over 50 or 60 bonus episodes, but now a lot of these interviews that I'm releasing today that have had small parts cut for time or for content related reasons. You're able to get early access to interviews, uncut and unedited, before they go live, generally by about a good week or so. So if you'd like early access to interviews as well as bonus post shows and oftentimes the interviews have a post show within them at the end there's tons of amazing inclusive content that you'll get more of me, more of the guests that we have on.
Speaker 1:It's just more gay A. It's more awesome queer sobriety of people doing super awesome things. So you can pledge your support for whether it be $5, $10 or $20 a month. It's basically giving me a cup of coffee to help your sobriety and you get to enjoy extra content along the way. So join it at patreoncom backslash gay a podcast if you're not already part of the Patreon family and enjoy that extra special content. But before you leave, make sure you're following us wherever you're listening right now, so you can get new episodes when they come out every Thursday. Until next time, stay sober, friends.
