gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show
gAy A delivers inspiring stories about queer people in sobriety who are achieving amazing feats in their recovery, proving that we are all LGBTQIA+ sober heroes.
If you are looking for a safe space where all queer people, no matter their gender, sexual orientation, age, length of sober time, or method of recovery are valid, this is the sober show for you. If you are sober, you are a hero!
This show is not affiliated with any program or institution, so you will hear stories from alcoholics and addicts where people mention getting sober using recovery methods such as rehabilitation, both inpatient and outpatient rehabs, sober living, hospitals, and some of us who got sober at home on our own. Guests may mention twelve step programs like AA, CMA, SMART Recovery, or other methods, while accepting that no one answer is perfect for everyone.
This podcast will provide valuable insights for any interested in learning more about queer recovery, from those of us with years or even decades of recovery under their belt, to people just beginning their sobriety journey, to even the sober curious or friends and family of alcoholics and addicts.
Each week, host Sober Steve the Podcast Guy tries to answer the following questions in various formats and with different perspectives:
· How do I get and stay sober in the queer community?
· Can you have fun while being sober and gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, or queer?
· What does a sober life as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community look like?
· Where do sober gay and queer people hang out?
· How can I have good sex sober?
· What are tips and tricks for early sobriety?
· How can I get unstuck or out of this rut in my recovery?
· How will my life change if I get sober?
· Can you be queer and sober and happy?
· How can I untangle sex and alcohol and drugs?
gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show
Journaling and Community in Sobriety ft. Alex S (#192)
Sober Steve is joined by Alex Sphon to discuss recovering out loud in his community as well as tips and advice for anyone who is sober or sober curious.
**Episode Highlights Include**
- **The Role of Journaling in Recovery:** Alex shares how his journaling has helped him from the beginning of his sobriety journey and continues today.
- **You Say I'm an Alcoholic Like It's A Bad Thing:** Alex shares how recovery out loud has changed his perception and sense of community over the years.
- **Friendships in Recovery** Many people worry about how sobriety changes their friendships and relationships, so Alex and Steve reflect back on how those has changed over the years since getting sober.
- **And Much More! **
**Where to Find Us:**
- Alex on Facebook!
- Alex on Instagram 🟢
- gAy A on IG 🟢
- gAy A everywhere else 🖇️
Tell a friend to listen today!! Until next time, stay sober!
I found that when I used to drink, I would ride the emotions and I would drink to make you feel something. I would drink to make me stop feeling something. So it's like whenever I was going up and down the emotions, I would try to drink to get to that center, so to speak. So journaling is something that I always looked for. And then the other thing that I still struggle to this day is finding something to drink or finding something to fill those drinking time. That was one of my big struggles, especially early on, and it's still a trick that I'm still sometimes struggling to fill, like the hours between 8 and 11, which now I'm more likely to just be like you know what? Just call in bed for the night, call it early, but you know, on a Friday night from it's like what do I want to do? Do I want to do something different, as opposed to just wanting to go out to the bar? But I think that was in the early days. That was a big struggle, like how am I going to fill that time?
Speaker 2:Hey there, super sober heroes, it's your host, sober Steve, the podcast guy, here today. With 1,081 Days Sober and today, I am grateful for the amazing opportunity and fellowship and connection I felt this weekend at my church's diversity festival, aptly named Diverse Fest. Before we get into that, though, I wanted to start off today's episode by thanking a lot of our listeners who have been leaving Apple reviews recently. I will start with the one that got the ball rolling and that is.
Speaker 2:Adam left a review on April 30th that said Hooray for queer voices in recovery. As a gay man trying to stay sober, I wanted to find LGBTQ plus specific resources and I'm a big podcast guy, so it happened across GA. It was exactly what I was looking for. Steve, who created hosts the show that's me, does a great job of giving his guests space to share their story while posing questions to gain more insight. I am currently 793 days sober and love listening to the show. Thank you so much. I love that you listen to the show and I love that you put this into a review, because when I shared about on the socials, other people started leaving reviews and I've had a handful of reviews and I am hoping the ball keeps on rolling, because Apple podcasts especially reviews, but reviews anywhere are a huge way of and a free way of saying I like your content, keep going. And it not only urges me on by hearing these great words of positive affirmation of people being impacted in a great way by my show and the guests that I have on, because I love sharing their stories, but it also helps these know that this is good stuff that more people need to hear, and so, as Apple is reviewing, for instance, my application to be featured in their June Pride Voices Rolodex of podcasts that they'll be pushing and displaying that focus LGBTQ plus creators. I'd love for them to see that this podcast is getting a lot of reviews right now and that there's something special going on over here in the queer sobriety community and feature us and let everyone know that you can be queer and sober and do heroic, awesome, amazing things in your everyday life one day at a time. So do that by leaving a review, if you haven't already. It means the world to me and takes generally less than five minutes, so I would appreciate that and, like I said, another thing I appreciated was the sense of community I had this weekend at my diversity festival.
Speaker 2:I got the chance to go and show up publicly as a sober Steve the podcast guy and this is a persona that I generally have online between my podcast coaching as well as my podcasting and so people around me are starting to know that this is what I do and I'm saying it loud and proud now that I'm being able to do it full time and helping others. I know I connected with a lot of future podcasters over the weekend that I hope to collaborate with in the future. And it was also great living out loud as a podcaster. I'm having similarly like recovering out loud. With sobriety, you end up attracting more sober people.
Speaker 2:As I recover, as I'm podcasting out loud as a podcaster, I am connecting with more podcasting people as well, and podcasting people are just as awesome as sober people in my experience so far. I am loving the way that all of my worlds are combining and it feels really great. So thank you, pastor Dan and the team at the Harvest in Sarasota for giving me that opportunity. It was great, not only enjoying time with my community and my fellows, but also my friends and family and my sponsor and my parents and everyone who showed up and showed up to specifically say hey, steve, we love you and we support you also meant the world. And what also meant the world as I transition is my interview with Alex.
Speaker 2:Alex, like I hinted earlier, has been on the show before I will link to his first episode in the show notes. But, like a couple of my more recent guests, they're coming back after not being on for a couple years and it is amazing what happens when I record at the time in my first year of recovery and now we're able to fast forward two years later and just seeing how much has changed. It's been great catching up with him. I know that you'll enjoy the episode as well. So with that I will pass you over to my past self from my interview with Alex. Enjoy. Hey there, super sober heroes, it's Steve here with Alex. Welcome back, alex. Thanks for having me. Yes, and it's been quite some time since you've been a guest on this podcast. Why don't you update us on who you are and tell us a little bit about your sobriety?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so my name's Alex Boone. I've been sober since the summer of 2019. I got sober kind of due to some medical conditions really forced my sobriety. I'd always been kind of sober, curious, until I experienced the medical condition and I got sober. And then, right as I was kind of starting to hit that spot where I was really starting to struggle, boom, covid lockdown happened. So I kind of lucked into it. In the state of Pennsylvania, getting any kind of alcoholic beverage was made really difficult during the first kind of first couple months of the pandemic, so to say. I lucked into that aspect and it would end up being a blessing would be an understatement for me.
Speaker 1:So this June I'll actually be celebrating five years of sobriety, so I'm really excited to have that milestone coming and looking forward to it.
Speaker 2:Excellent, how inspiring. I know that I definitely, as we connected. It was great looking up to you and I love how you mentioned that you consider the pandemic kind of a blessing, because I've had so many guests that say that, depending on where you were in the country, some people got easier to find a Florida right away. It was like we need to get this delivery system set up right now because those Floridians can't live without it, and I was working through it and that's when it got really bad for me, before I started sobriety. But what was it like when the world shut down? What were your tools like at that time?
Speaker 1:So one of my big tools at that time was my friends and I are doing exactly what we're doing now. We really started to do a lot of virtual stuff together. We would get together mask up when that became an option and we do a lot of walking, a lot of hiking when the weather permitted it. But I kind of dove into a lot of the community aspects through the Zoom functions, which I think everybody in that time was doing. So I was part of that group of people that got really hooked on that game Among Us. We were sitting there, my friends and I on FaceTime in the same Among Us room just playing with each other doing that in the same setting that I'm talking to you now. So we passed the time with doing that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:You know I started journaling around that time to really kind of help process through some of those thoughts. So I really kind of had an overall mind shift about what I was struggling with and really became appreciative of. You know I had it bad but it could have been so much worse. And when I started to look at the positives and the silver lining of the situation, you really get that it could have been so much worse. So much worse things could have happened and I got real lucky with the fact that, with the medical condition that I had, alcohol made that worse. I got that point where it was almost like a poison to me when I drank alcohol.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, I'm glad that you were able to get through the pandemic, successfully Flashforwarding to now. What has changed in your recovery and your sobriety since the last time you were on the show? You?
Speaker 1:know, the biggest thing is I feel like I've gotten to a point where I'm able to share more openly. Those first two or three years I kind of did it in private. I feel like it wasn't cool to be gay and sober. I still don't think it's totally accepted and totally cool to be gay and sober. I don't. I still don't think it's totally accepted and totally cool to be gay and sober. I think in the queer community there's so much more space to do that, but it's certainly a lot more accepted now.
Speaker 1:I think that's been one of the biggest things, as I've been more open about my sobriety. I've peeled back, at least locally, that stigma here. You know, I've got people locally that like to throw around the word alcoholic as a slur towards me and I'm just like that word holds zero power over me because that's a demon that in my eyes. I'd fought that dragon, I slain it, and it's now I can wear that with pride that yes, I am an alcoholic, yes, I am in recovery. Um, however, that's kind of old news to me.
Speaker 1:It's been five years. Do I still fight those demons daily? Yes, am I winning that battle? Absolutely. Why would I hold out that name? Why would I allow that name to hold that kind of negative power that they're trying to associate it with me. I kind of now hold that as a positive badge of honor, like I'm an alcoholic in recovery for 10 or for five years, like that's a big deal, you know. Like I see and this is what 10 years I was trying to come up, I just saw Eminem celebrated 10 years of sobriety and made it a big deal. Like we're seeing people like Eminem, elton John, those people celebrate their long-term sobriety and make a big deal out of it. And I'm now at that point that, coming up on five years, like yeah, this is a big deal to have that kind of commitment to it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it certainly is. I know that anyone with. Today, you certainly have made an awesome accomplishment, because we're all alcoholics, probably if you're listening to this podcast or at least you're considering the fact you are one, but, especially like over the first couple of years into now now do you have any sober heroes, the people that you looked up to or really admired?
Speaker 1:I think I had heroes that I looked up to and I'm now learning that they're sober. He obviously had a lot of issues. Eminem was an artist that I loved as a child, which, looking back on it is kind of, I think, that inner homophobic feelings that a closeted gay boy has at the age of 12. The signs certainly make a lot more sense now than they did back then, but looking at everything he's come through, I just finished reading RuPaul's book that he just put out his memoir and he talks pretty openly about his struggles with addiction in that book. So while I wouldn't call somebody like RuPaul my hero per se, but when you see somebody talking about their struggles with addiction whether it be alcohol or other drugs, you certainly gain respect for them.
Speaker 1:So I think one of my bigger heroes is certainly Elton John, with everything they've done as an activist for AIDS and then being so open about their sobriety. Demi Lovato is another one that has challenged gender norms, sexuality norms, and then has also been so open with not only her struggles with sobriety but also her failures, because I sometimes wonder how many of these people like we see the big people that have succeeded long-term, how many do we see that are failing, that just never go public about it? So I sometimes wonder about that. We need more role models like that that do struggle to normalize that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that. I remember, even when I was in the early stages of preparing to launch the podcast. I don't even think it was out yet, but I had know in the early stages of preparing to launch the podcast, I don't even think it was out yet, but I know that Demi Lovato was like in one of the posts I use, with a quote of hers about sobriety, and at the time a couple people got mad because her definition of sober was California sober.
Speaker 2:But I also understand like since then she's also dropped that as well and now she's just sober, sober and it's you know, oftentimes I feel like it's easy to judge people about what their sobriety looks like to them, but it could also be just that kind of stepping stone or, like you said, them figuring it out or failing and then getting back up along the way. So I'd say like anyone who's just brave enough to be recovering or struggling out loud is definitely someone to look up to.
Speaker 1:Exactly. I think that the topic of California sober is so interesting. I think anybody's journey to sobriety looks different and I think that's the important thing to a stigma what does it take to get there? If somebody has to go Cali sober and realize that that's a stepping stone to sober, great, it's one additional tool they had to use to get sober. As long as that's where they end up. And you know what, if Cali sober works for them as a and that's what they were struggling with even better. I don't think it would work for somebody like me, but I don't judge what works for somebody else, I just know it wouldn't work.
Speaker 2:Yeah, same. I think it all comes down to intention, because I use drugs the way that I use alcohol alcoholically. But I've interviewed even people on this podcast before who were like I have a prescription and I use it as prescribed, like when I have these symptoms, and I don't take too much and like how you can keep it in your medicine cabinet and not be smoking it every single night is behind me, but that's why it's not for me Now. I can be for them, and they're still sober because they're using it as prescribed.
Speaker 2:But even we can be substance free and not use any drugs and still be like lying or manipulating people or having other addict behavior. That's not great. We can be addicted to anything. We're addicts.
Speaker 1:Exactly, yeah, I mean I've gotten rid of one addiction for another. My addiction now is just not as detrimental to my life. You know, like I'm still certainly an addict, I have other addiction. They're just now a much healthier addiction.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I hear you I. I at first was addicted to sweets and now I switched that for for working out and like running it out at the gym and stuff like that much healthier. Yes, exactly, Excellent. And in addition to the community aspect, helping you during the pandemic, that's something that stayed true for you even when we talked about your community that you were building back then, and it's grown since then. Where how has your sense of community grown since your last episode here?
Speaker 1:So I've always been plugged in with the community. I'm a queer activist in a town of 100,000 people. I run the local Pride Alliance, so we still had a pride. We have a peninsula that we did a. Decorate your car and drive around the peninsula together to still have that sense of pride. So we still did that. So we were still gathering, just in a much safer position.
Speaker 1:So I found, when it came to trying to connect with other people that were sober because that was one thing that I did find that I was lacking. You know, last time we talked a lot about this idea of having friends that would support me no matter what. And who do I go to? If I was truly struggling, Like my best friend would support me no matter what. And who do I go to? If I was truly struggling Like my best friend will support me no matter what. And if I went to her and said I want to have a drink tonight, I think her response would be I support you. And while I appreciate her wanting to support me, I think her intentions are really good. I don't know that that's what I necessarily need in that moment, Whereas I have another friend that if I went to him and said I'm really struggling and I think I want to drink. His response would be okay, let's meet up and we're going to talk this out, or my phone would probably ring rather than anything and we would sit down on the phone and talk for 15, 20 minutes, or we had planned to go meet up and have that talk in person and he would talk through and why do you want to drink? What's leading to that? So that sense of building a community and a lot of that stalled throughout the pandemic. So one of the things I did as we were kind of coming out from the pandemic, I was on your podcast. I was on another podcast. I connected with local newspaper and was on our local newspaper being a pride month. They ran a story on my journey to sobriety and all of that. So that kind of really started to build that sense of community.
Speaker 1:I started on social media using the hashtag gay, sober, gay sober lifestyle, those kind of hashtags just to connect with other people on social media, to really gain some people that were in that same boat. I found that there are a lot more people locally hashtags just to connect with other people on social media to really gain some people that were in that same boat. I found that there are a lot more people locally. Again, I live in a town of 100,000 people. If you look at the queer people in that community, if everybody that comes to pride is queer, which they're not I'm looking at 5,000 people to maybe 7,000 on a good year, at 5,000 people to maybe 7,000 on a good year. So of that, only a small percentage maybe two to 300 might be sober or even sober curious, if we look at it. So I'm still finding even a small subsection of the community, but I have found that, with me being vocal about it and me being out there, those people are attracted to and they're and then talking to and they're coming. I've now been sober for X amount of time and I just I saw your story and I wanted to connect with you, so it's one of those things that's kind of building community by itself.
Speaker 1:And you know, my organization has launched a happy hour, a queer happy hour, in two of our local communities.
Speaker 1:We have another smaller city for lack of a better term about 45 minutes away that we do a lot of events in, so we have two happy hours.
Speaker 1:They're at restaurants that just happen to have a bar.
Speaker 1:So one of the things that I've done is make sure that they have a mocktail menu.
Speaker 1:So whenever we go in that there's a mocktail. So if somebody comes there and they want to drink, fine. But if there's somebody like me that is sober, there's still a mocktail menu. So we probably have about three to five people each month that come that don't drink, so they might be drinking a tea, water or some of these mocktails that are being made. So that's really something that I have really pushed and like this is how we need to build a community, Because in my town a restaurant doesn't survive without a liquor license and I feel like in a lot of smaller venues or smaller towns across this country that's probably similar Liquor sales are what makes most of these bars and restaurants really survive outside of these chains. So that's something that we haven't been able to find is a standalone sober restaurant they're really hard to find that will host it, take a risk and host a pride event. So that's kind of our compromises you want to host a queer event, put up a mocktail menu, and it's worked out so far.
Speaker 2:I love that. It's a huge deal. You're a sober hero, excellent. And what would you say are some tips or tricks that you used when you first got sober that still hold true for you today?
Speaker 1:Honestly, journaling was one of my big things. I found that when I used to drink, I would ride the emotions and I would drink to make me feel something. I would drink to make me stop feeling something. So it's like whenever I was going up and down the emotions, I would try to drink to get to that center, so to speak. So journaling is something that I always looked for, looked for and then the other thing that I still struggle to this day is finding something to drink or finding something to fill those drinking time.
Speaker 1:That was one of my big struggles, especially early on, and it's still a trick that I'm still sometimes struggling to fill. Like the hours between eight and 11, which now I'm more likely to just be like you know what, just call in bed for the night, call it early, but you know, on a Friday night, some eight and 11,. It be like you know what, Just call in bed for the night, call it early, but you know, on a Friday night, some eight and 11, it's like what do I want to do? Do I want to do something different, as opposed to just wanting to go out to the bar? But I think that was in the early days. That was a big struggle, Like how am I going to fill that time? And sometimes that's still a struggle because you're so used to being around other people during that time. You're so used to having something in your hand. You know like people have to quit smoking. I know a lot of people that struggle with that.
Speaker 1:I've got to have something in my fingers when I'm sitting around people wanting to talk, you know that physical feeling and sometimes when I'm out socially, like at a happy hour, I will stand there and find myself just holding a glass of water or a bottle of water, because I still miss that physical feeling. Ok yeah, this bottle of water has been empty for 20 minutes and somebody will come around and go are you done with that bottle of water? I'm like nope, I'm just holding it now, looking like a weirdo holding a bottle of water.
Speaker 2:Excellent, and any last bits of advice for people listening.
Speaker 1:You know, the biggest bit of advice for people listening. You know I connected with a friend in Philadelphia that I'm yet to meet this guy, but we talk three or four times a week through Instagram, facebook, texting, that we've really become good friends and he was actually on another podcast before me, listened to his podcast and he listened to mine and we have a very similar story and it's become a really good thing because I feel like having those friends that we talked about are going to support you no matter what is very important, and having friends close to you that can support you are great, but having a close connection with somebody that has been through what you've been through and is able to be there for you is actually going to be what, in those dark times, is able to get you through it. And also having somebody that's a little bit removed and you can choose what you decide to talk to them about, I feel it helps just a little bit more because sometimes, like you know, my closest friend is sometimes a little too far in my business. I can be like, hey, I'm struggling with this, what's your thoughts? And have asking an alcoholic to look at it from their angle gets you that same viewpoint back. You know, like, okay, you're thinking about it the same way I am.
Speaker 1:I'm not alone in this. And I think that's the biggest thing through addiction and doing anything like this is you don't want to feel alone, and as once you have somebody else kind of confirm that I'm not doing this alone, this is a common place. It's like I don't like to throw out the word crazy, but sometimes, when you're dealing with these intense emotions around sobriety, you feel crazy, and knowing that somebody else has been through it or is going through something similar and has felt the same way put your mind at ease. You know, like, okay, great, I'm not alone. This is wonderful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was definitely my favorite part of like starting my sobriety journey and entering the rooms and connecting with podcast guests. It's like, oh, it isn't just me. I thought that I was so special and like we're all special but like we're not special in that way. We're not the only ones trying to figure it out. So excellent. If people wanted to connect with you, to go on the journey together, how would they find you?
Speaker 1:So the best way to connect with me is on Instagram, ads5202. You can also find me on Facebook, alex. Last name is Spoon S-P-H-O-N.
Speaker 2:All right, excellent, sounds good. Well, it was great catching up, alex. Thank you so much. Yeah, sounds good. Thanks, and back to you future self. Thank you everyone for tuning in to another episode of Gay A. I hope you enjoyed my interview with Alex. Like I said at the top of the show, the best thing that you can do to be supporting this podcast right now would be to leave an Apple review. If you don't listen on Apple, that's okay. You can also leave a review on Spotify or wherever else you're listening. Reviews are excellent anywhere. I will never turn down a review, but especially if you're listening on Apple right now, please take a moment, leave a five-star review It'll mean the world to me and take five minutes or less. I appreciate it. And until next time, everybody, stay sober friends.
