gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show
gAy A delivers inspiring stories about queer people in sobriety who are achieving amazing feats in their recovery, proving that we are all LGBTQIA+ sober heroes.
If you are looking for a safe space where all queer people, no matter their gender, sexual orientation, age, length of sober time, or method of recovery are valid, this is the sober show for you. If you are sober, you are a hero!
This show is not affiliated with any program or institution, so you will hear stories from alcoholics and addicts where people mention getting sober using recovery methods such as rehabilitation, both inpatient and outpatient rehabs, sober living, hospitals, and some of us who got sober at home on our own. Guests may mention twelve step programs like AA, CMA, SMART Recovery, or other methods, while accepting that no one answer is perfect for everyone.
This podcast will provide valuable insights for any interested in learning more about queer recovery, from those of us with years or even decades of recovery under their belt, to people just beginning their sobriety journey, to even the sober curious or friends and family of alcoholics and addicts.
Each week, host Sober Steve the Podcast Guy tries to answer the following questions in various formats and with different perspectives:
· How do I get and stay sober in the queer community?
· Can you have fun while being sober and gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, or queer?
· What does a sober life as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community look like?
· Where do sober gay and queer people hang out?
· How can I have good sex sober?
· What are tips and tricks for early sobriety?
· How can I get unstuck or out of this rut in my recovery?
· How will my life change if I get sober?
· Can you be queer and sober and happy?
· How can I untangle sex and alcohol and drugs?
gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show
Winding Down from Florida Roundup '24 (#193)
Steve shares a bonus audio diary episode about his experiences at this years Florida Roundup, with takeaways such as...
- What the heck is a roundup?
- Not letting travel difficulties impact the experience at your destination.
- Overcoming social insecurities like judgement and rejection.
- The positive experiences from workshop and social events on site.
- Adventuring out for firsts and letting go of "I can't"s
Stay tuned for our usual episode Thursday!
Want to hear more, check out Instagram- Live on release day or saved afterwards @gayapodcast
Leave a review if you like the podcast- even just a little- it's free and would make me the happiest sober queer podcast host in the whole wide world!
Hey, there it's over Steve the podcast guy here with a special bonus episode of gay a, where I'm going to be going over the amazing time I had at this year's 2024 Florida roundup in Fort Lauderdale this past week with my episode with Alex that came out last Thursday. It was just as I was getting into the swing of things over there and he inspired me to journal about it and I'm going to be journaling with this as my journal, like I do with so many things with my podcast, and share it with you. I of course will respect anonymity of things and respect the traditions. But for those who don't know, like the roundups in general are large groups of generally 12 step program of some sort. You know a, a, n, a, c, m, a, all the something, a's, all it's when we all get together, when we're queer in recovery and have days of workshops and panel and speaker meetings and those are amazing, and then at night there's social events that also then show that we are not a glum lot and we have fun in recovery and we can party just as much as we used to, just in different, new, safer ways, with fellows that understand and respect us and know the journey that we're going on.
Speaker 1:It was huge for me being able to have experiences like this in my early recovery and continue to have them regularly, because it is very easy to get isolated or feel othered sometimes if you're in an area that doesn't have a very big sober community, not just outside of meetings but like where you can go out and go to a dance. You know, I'm in Sarasota. A lot of my fellows locally aren't the type where they're going to all get in a car with me and go out to the club to go dancing or go out to the Eagle to go there and have these experiences the way that I can get to experience it when I'm out at these roundups with these large groups of queer and sober individuals. It was so amazing getting to know so many people and I will kind of go into it using and looking at the schedule at a glance, because I still have that addict and alcoholic brain where my memory is not great. So that will help me kind of frame myself because I know that I had a great and easy drive down.
Speaker 1:But what was funny was my car halfway along the way that the bumper on the front got kind of stuck and popped under and I had to pull over at a gas station and pull it out from under my car and I got so dirty and felt so gross. And then, like when I got to the hotel, I couldn't check in but at the same time normally having something like that start my vacation I would let that affect me or cling to me, but honestly, I was so proud that I was able to and I was strong enough to peel the rest of the bumper off of the front of my car so that I can continue going, when six months ago, had I not been doing the strength training that I had been doing, I wouldn't have been able to pull it off myself. It was like 75% off, but I really needed to pull quite hard to get that last little bit off and I was very proud of that. So, like I looked at that annoyance rather than thinking about all the negatives of what that means for when I have to come home from my conference or what it might mean the rest of the way there, I was like this will be just okay, I'll make this work, I'll get it taken care of when I get home, but I need to get there and I'll have fun. And then when I did it, I was strong and I felt happy about that. And I got there and the room wasn't ready. But did that stop me from exploring the area? No, it didn't. I was able to check my bag so that while I was waiting for the room I was able to see the conference area.
Speaker 1:And the Westin at Fort Lauderdale Beach was a gorgeous hotel and they had the beach ball meeting at night, which was a great way to get to know everybody. So, with Thursday as my kind of settling in afternoon, getting my bearings and kind of getting the vibe of the people and feeling comfortable, I was able to start Thursday at the sunrise meeting, which was very early because it's at sunrise and I'm not normally that kind of morning person. But I said, when else am I going to be able to have a sunrise meeting on the beach? So I woke up and I went to the beach and it was raining so the meeting was inside, but it was still great being able to watch the sunrise because we're on the beach. Through the windows in the convention center I still got to see my sunrise during my meeting and it was beautiful.
Speaker 1:And then I went into yoga and I don't remember the last time I ever did a yoga class. I mean, I might have done one a long, long time ago that I just don't remember, but I had my first one in at least recovery, with Jennifer, and it was so amazing getting to experience yoga in sobriety as well as with the physical progress I've been making recently, I was able to do a lot more of the positions comfortably and felt all bendy and had fun, and that's something that continued on through the week as I did yoga every single morning and it was always just a great way to start the day. So I look forward to incorporating yoga into my practices and my routine at home. Hopefully I'm already planning tomorrow night to do we have a free yoga class on the water at the Waterfront Park in Sarasota that I'm already planning tomorrow night to do. We have a free yoga class on the water at the Waterfront Park in Sarasota that I'm going to be checking out. So this conference may have converted me to become a yogi. We'll see how that develops.
Speaker 1:But then I had some great meetings in the morning and one thing I really admired about was like all the thought and dedication and care that every single panel that I went to that their presenters put into it. You know you could tell that it was like hours and blood and sweat and tears that they went into making these informative, impactful exercises and conversations. I would say like the entire roundup like almost all of them were were complete, like knock it out of the park, home runs, just like people and places and things. Not every single one was perfect, but we love them all for what they are and most of them were just so powerful and many like some of them, like I'm gonna hold on to for a really long time and have really changed the way that I'm looking at and thinking about my sobriety and my path forward in this world, not only as a sober, queer person, but just as a human being and the ripple effect that I'll be having going forward with my life. So the workshops throughout the week were very powerful. I love them all so much and I got to do mine on Thursday with Dallas.
Speaker 1:If you've listened to the podcast for long enough, you know him. If not, you need to listen to more episodes with him because he's always a joy to know from podcasting and one of the joys of this conference was getting to meet him as well as other previous podcast guests, like Chris, and just getting to meet these people that I consider sober heroes, that I've gotten to know, these people that I consider sober heroes that I've gotten to know through the podcast, and I see everything that they do and like I love, we love it because I love everything that they do, because I think they're amazing and the fact that they're out there killing it in this world, recovering out loud and being awesome and amazing. It was just great meeting the two of them, as well as people that I had followed that never had been on the podcast yet, but they certainly will be who are also like amazing, wonderful, as people that I had followed that never had been on the podcast yet, but they certainly will be, who are also like amazing, wonderful human beings that I had the pleasure of getting to know. And so it was interesting because there's that level of anonymity that you respect when you're in program things. But then you also have the fact that I do a podcast about sobriety, and so I did have a handful of people that I got to meet throughout the week that either knew me or knew of me or had heard about the podcast, which is always really cool and I love that.
Speaker 1:But I also loved being able to do the workshop with Dallas, specifically because he is very like low key and kept me calm because my nerves and my anxiety can get the best of me, and knowing that he was going to be there with me the entire time. The only time I got nervous was like right beforehand, because we were probably expecting about 20 people to show up for our conversation and we had closer like 40 or 50. So I got nerves from that, but up until that, it was one of the first speaking engagements that I've ever had like that where I wasn't nervous at all and it was really because I knew that I was going into it with him and that he would have my back and we would be a great team together. And all of that came true. It was one of those workshops If you didn't see me talking about on an Instagram our workshop that we did together was called your sex biography rewriting, shame and trauma, and so we had our workshop and a lot of it was conversation based and involves audience participation.
Speaker 1:If he and I were to talk through our parts without the audience saying anything back in response, the conversation would have easily been, or the panel or workshop would have easily been 30 minutes, maybe 45 if we were really stretching it, but it would have been a really uncomfortable 45 minutes. But what instead I had was a room full of people that were there to have open, honest, raw conversations about the fucked up shit that happened to us when we were younger, even if it wasn't direct sexual abuse or direct sexual trauma, just even like the micro traumas that can happen from growing up as a queer person or as an addict or even just anyone in this life, with the way that sex is oftentimes so taboo, but especially when you add in the layers of oftentimes being queer and othered, so that you have that sex is bad and being queer is bad, and so it's like double bad and being able to then find drugs and alcohol. So oftentimes that's a way that we cope and for certain drugs it becomes entwined, inextricably, almost an early recovery. It's a huge thing trying to untangle the effect that the drugs and alcohol in my case would affect the way that I looked at and viewed and participated in sexual behaviors and so being able to have that workshop. That has a lot of really loaded questions. I was not holding anything back for my group and they all had so many hands up in the air that I didn't even get to ask have everyone participate every single round, because everyone wanted to talk about the topic so much that the workshop probably could have gone even longer than the hour and a half. Rather than my internal fear of not being good enough and thinking that no one would participate and it would end too quickly, instead I found myself having to say like, okay, let's now move on to the next part, because I wanted to make sure we had time for everything. So it was an amazing experience being able to have those conversations openly with a bunch of gay and queer people in the room and then kind of also then from there, take my service hat off and go into participant mode, where, from there, I wasn't doing anything else the rest of the weekend and I was basically in vacation mode and got to just have fun and get to know people, get to meet new people, get to connect with people.
Speaker 1:Like I mentioned, that I had already known online and it was scary at times because a lot of times and it didn't happen here as much as past things I've been to before but we're like large groups of people who all kind of know each other all show up together and it can kind of oftentimes feel clicky at the past sober group experiences that I've been to and with this one it wasn't like that as much but there were definitely people who knew each other and knew of each other and I only had people that I really saw in passing who were doing clear that they were doing their own thing. So I just did my own thing and I had fun. But what was awesome is I did my own thing and I had fun and I didn't. I got to like make all these new connections and oftentimes I remember going up to my room and pacing and feeling so insecure because I didn't know what to do next, because I didn't have plans with anyone, because I didn't always feel comfortable like setting plans in advance. I was like trying to go with the flow and let everything happen and just trusting my higher power that everything would work out.
Speaker 1:Because I've been to these events before, other workshops related to different things, where I make it so structured. I have to be here then and here there, and it's like seven, eight, nine, 10. I'll do this, I'll do this, I'll do this. Then I'll have dinner here, then I'll meet up with this person, and then I'll meet up with that person. And it's been so structured that by the time that I'm done with my what is supposed to be like a refreshing experience, to refill your cup, like a vacation, coming home being like so tired and mentally and emotionally drained from having to do all these different things that I very much went in with like whatever will happen will happen, but of course, trying to stick to that promise.
Speaker 1:There's always that voice on my shoulder saying like you'll walk around and like no one will want to talk to you or no one will be there that wants to welcome you into their group or go out to eat with you or to do dance with you. You know, no one will engage, you'll be othered and you'll just have to walk around feeling lonely and sad for a while until you'll just come back up in the room and then hide again. And I thought that that was going to be my narrative at times, because that's what my fears were. I was afraid of being rejected by my peers, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to connect with people, and they were just simply fears. I am very proud of myself that I was able to push myself past those fears and through those fears and still put my hotel key in my little lanyard and grab my cell phone and go downstairs and see who I would meet up with.
Speaker 1:Because I would say that every single time I did that except for maybe once very early on while I was still kind of scoping it out, and it was pretty quiet every single other time that I went down I would either meet someone new that I hadn't met before and be able to connect with them, and we'd go to the pool, or we'd grab a snack to connect with them and we'd go to the pool or we'd grab a snack, or we'd grab coffee, or we'd go to a panel or a workshop together or a social event and they'd invite me and introduce me to their friends or the people that they know. And it was like this ripple effect of me getting to know more people just because I would go out and I'd find one person who would help introduce me to more people, and it was really cool how that kept on happening. And then, of course, like it went the other way, where I went from, like being worried about the way that, like people were perceiving me and that I wouldn't be accepted, to then being insecure about why I was being accepted, because I also know that I've been to experiences like this before that say they're not a roundup, and now I get it because this roundup was awesome. And so, with this roundup, though, I went from being like I've been in experiences where I was around hundreds of gay and sober men before and I didn't get like attention, people wouldn't come up to me, and this time it was very much if I went out and like walked, even looking a little insecure, like people would walk up to me and welcome me and make me feel really comfortable. And so then I was like, oh no, is it only because I've lost some weight and everything? And then I was like does this mean that everyone's shallow, or does this mean that, like I got so insecure about the whys and I've just had to just trust that it's the energy that I'm giving off today that I wasn't even giving off at the last sober experience that I had, or that I wasn't really giving off until November?
Speaker 1:My very first two years of sobriety was like learning how to function in this world, but I was still like had walls up because I needed to have a lot of those walls up to keep me sober. It just took me a little longer to realize that the war was over outside and that I could start letting some of those walls down. And experiences like this have been huge for me to be able to do that, because this gave me the chance to go out into a crowd of people like that and know that, like everyone was going to be sober, no one was going to like offer me drugs or offer me a drink, like the worst that they would do is make me feel like socially miserable. But no one did that either, because I was accepted, and so I just had to accept that it's the energy that I'm giving off now and that I've gotten that compliment more than once, not only from, you know, men who were sexually interested in men telling me I'm pretty, but also just from like women and other people that you know my energy is attractive to other, a high vibrational energy, I guess, which is again just like energy, but I've always been a like I. When I even say that, I kind of cringe because my energy, I guess, has always been kind of high vibration, but it was like very chaotic vibration. So the the highness of it all, the I always felt like the high vibration meant that it was like almost by default and that high vibrations meant chaotic vibrations. And so when people started at first like saying like oh, you're a high vibrational energy, I was like are you calling me a chaotic, like messy bitch? But it's not that and I have to just like wrap my head around that Like I can be like a high energy level person, meaning that it's like a positive, good thing. That, I guess, is something that I've learned in recovery. I've learned in recovery.
Speaker 1:I've learned in the past six months, especially of just living authentically, the fact that I went in with some pretty bold expectations of myself that were very outside of character, like wearing a speedo at the pool every single time I went to the pool and I did it and it was like again, no one like ha ha'd or said anything mean or rude or anything like that, and I got compliments and I would. I, you know, one night I wore a crop top and, like again, everyone was like oh, I love a crop top. Or like we make like the jokes about, like the 80s slasher movie, like heartthrobs or you know, that's crop top should come back and like now I agree, because I wore one and it was like, not as embarrassing as I thought that I was, like I brought it because I was like I thought that it would be something fun to wear, that's kind of sexy and cute and adorable and like very Johnny Depp Nightmare on Elm Street type of thing. And I was also, though, like very insecure before I wore it outside, to the point where I was even texting one or two fellows before I left, being like is this something that I, I could wear outside? Like, do I have permission to be able to wear a crop top around other gay men who are also wearing crop tops? And they were like, like, of course, and of course, of course, that's what it is.
Speaker 1:But I was just so insecure and so nervous about so much of the ways that people would receive me, but the way that every single time that I went out, just like being myself me, but the way that every single time that I went out, just like being myself, I was welcomed by these awesome, amazing humans who I was able to have these deep, meaningful conversations with roundups, were like one of the only places like and like 12 step in general, but anytime that you get a whole group of sober people together, we're like the icebreakers, are like tell me, like the most fucked up parts of your life and like the trauma that you're dealing with right now and the step work that you're on and like we, we don't cut. We don't have emotional or mental like foreplay when it comes to the way that we tell our stories to each other, which I love because it cuts a lot of the bullshit that you get when you have to go out and you're talking with people where you try and say like how are you doing? And you have to get past them telling you how everything's just fine for like five minutes before they actually start talking to you about how they're feeling, where someone I would ask like how they're feeling and they're like I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now because xyz, and like I can't be, like I could relate or I could talk them through it or I could just listen or I could just like put my hand around their shoulder and say like it's gonna be okay, be okay. And it gave me the strength as well when people were like hey, how are you doing for me to be like I'm feeling really insecure, I'm feeling really emotional or I'm feeling really like nervous or I'm feeling a bit of anxiety, and it was able and like again and they in return, listen to me and help me through it and it was just so beautiful having those conversations so rawly and so honestly with people. It was really, really cool. And the events in the evenings were also amazing and wonderful. The drag bingo was fun. I didn't do the movie because I was settling in, but the drag bingo was fun and the dancing and the comedy show and the dancing was fun.
Speaker 1:I didn't talk about this on the podcast yet, but the week beforehand I had danced at a kickball after party for the first time in years, publicly After. Like in the past four or five months I've like fallen in love with like dancing at home by myself whenever I'm alone. But this was my first time right before roundup kind of, I guess, as a practice, getting the chance to dance out in public with friends and I had fun. And then here I got two opportunities to dance out in public with friends and have fun and it was just a really good time. And then Saturday I went out to the Eagle with a whole bunch of people and as much as I love talking about sex and sexuality and leather and kink and all of that type of stuff, because I was very reserved in my alcoholism and very isolated in my alcoholism, I didn't go out to bars. I didn't go out to clubs. I've never been to the Eagle before.
Speaker 1:Even my past conferences that I've been to are sober groups. When we've been in major cities where there's places like the Eagle, I've been too nervous to go because again it was like I was in my sober group and even though I'd be with my sober group going out into public, you go out into public and there's people who aren't sober around us. This time I just had, and also it's like you know all the other excuses that you would make for yourself. I was like, well, it's late and I'm tired and I had this thing in the morning and I have that and I can't do this and I can't do this.
Speaker 1:But one of the takeaways that I got from one of the workshops, talking through it with fellows afterwards as well, really cemented that, cemented that I, before this roundup experience, I would say the phrase I can't multiple times a day, both out loud to other people about my capabilities, of things that like I can't do, that I can't do that, I can't do that. But I would also say it in my head even more and the number of times that, like, I've experienced and can like look back and say I thought I couldn't do this thing but then I did it and I can. It happens so regularly as well that I just have to stop trying the negative self-talk of saying I can't do these things. So, taking that lesson and not listening to all the reasons why I couldn't go out to the Eagle in sobriety with a group of fellows where it was safe, in sobriety with a group of fellows where it was safe, I did it and we went out and it was an experience.
Speaker 1:Because I still am struggling with being in like shoulder to shoulder, front to back, very crowded, like sardines in a can type environments. That's something that I've never liked in sobriety or recovery. Whether it's a whole bunch of sweaty gay men dancing with their shirts off or playing in the back, or whether it's Disney World, like in a queue for a ride or like a bizarre event for shopping, like anytime you get a whole bunch of people packed like sardines it. That's the only type of claustrophobia I have. I don't get it. Like you know, there's an escape room where you get locked in a coffin for an hour, like sign me up. Sounds like fun. I don't have a fear with that, but it's the peopling of it all that like made me uncomfortable there.
Speaker 1:But at the same time I did the thing I went through. I had my fellows around me that kept me safe, both mentally and emotionally and physically at times, and it was at the end of the night, though. I got to do my dancing and I had a fun experience. I can say that I've been out to an eagle before and I had that experience and I had it sober and I got to do all of these things every single day, like sober, but also like joyous and free and being myself and like holding nothing back with really any of my interactions with anyone else, and it was just so freeing. I had so much fun.
Speaker 1:Like I mentioned, the yoga was awesome. Of all the yogas that I did, though, that my favorite one was the day that we did the partner yoga, because we had the opportunity to like see how much more we can do together than when we're on our own, which is just such a great metaphor for the program itself and sobriety in general, but being able to see like also physically, that you know you might not be able to balance for very long on your own, but if all of us all have our arms all around each other, it becomes a lot easier and the different things that we could do with that and groups ranging from like three to five people I thought I was showing up and we were just gonna be paired with one person. We'd do like a bunch of wacky shit which we did at the end and was also fun and exciting, like kind of like being like ooh, I'm in the air. But we also had like a lot of really cool things with gets you connected as well, because as you're having to lean on each other and touch each other, you're touching each other, so you're like physically connecting and like a like a friendly but intimate way and it just makes you more connected to the people that I was with that by the end of it, like when we were all sharing. Like we're like had like our hands, like rubbing or touching each other's backs or our knees, and not even like in a sexual way, but just like in a friendly, like happy, touchy, feely way because, like, we had all the like the dopamine and the oxytocin and all those chemicals that us addicts love so much in our brain, but we were able to get all of those kind of going through our body naturally using yoga and breathwork and meditation, as well as contact and consent, and it was just. It was a really cool exercise. I really loved that yoga experience especially, but all the yogas were really cool. It was the same instructor every time, so I think that that was great for uniformity. The speaker meetings were awesome. I even did the brunch on Sunday, thanks to Dallas giving me his ticket before he cut out of town, and with that I'm nearing the half hour that I generally try and keep these episodes so I can keep going, but that really is the gist of what I can say in an audio diary that I'm going to be publishing publicly about this.
Speaker 1:Anyone who wants to sidebar about the other stories about the Florida Roundup, I am happy to talk off mic about all of that, but the way that you would do that or get involved, in touch with the show is by getting on the socials. My favorite home is Instagram at Gay A Podcast, but you can find me anywhere and I promise to meet you wherever you message me so that we can have conversations about fellowship and sobriety. And, like my workshop panel and the fellows and the amazing experience that I had asking me about it, let's tell me about other roundups I need to go to as well. If you've been listening to this and you are a roundup person who loves going to roundups, what's the next one I need to go to? Because, sign me up, because if I can go to one of these, like every four to six weeks, I'm going to be like the one of the happiest, most thriving, sober humans ever.
Speaker 1:I feel like it's just so fun. My cup has been so full. I have so much creative energy that I'm going to be able to put not only into this podcast but to my work and my business and my personal life before. Just. I feel like having these types of experiences just elevates everything and I loved it and I love all of you for listening to this and hearing me babble on about this experience that either maybe you were on or not, but like you also weren't living my life, and you still got to hear how I lived it and went through it, and I hope that this inspired you in some way, shape or form, so you can let me know on social media at ga podcast or at sober stevecom, or email me at steve at sober stevecom, and stay tuned for thursday for our next scheduled episode that I am getting ready to edit and do all that magic for and if somehow you are listening to this the day that it comes out, meet us online tonight, tuesday night, at 8 pm Eastern Standard Time, and Dallas and I are going to be having a live talking with each other about our experiences.
Speaker 1:So you've gotten to hear what my perspective has been like, being as someone who uses a 12-step program that, if you read between the lines, you know is AA, and so I come in as an AA, or he comes in as an AA-er, he comes in as a formal crystal meth user, an addict who doesn't use a 12-step recovery program, and so we have very different perspectives. As the roundup, I'm sure we're going to be online to talk about it and even if you're not watching it live or you're listening to this after we've already done it, I share all the lives when they're done. So if you want to hear more about his experience or about the conversation we have back and forth, because you just love hearing me talk more and more and more and more. Make sure that you check out Instagram, because that's where you can check out these lives. They're going to be doing a couple times a week with different people as we promote the other amazing, super sober things going on in the world out there. So until next time, stay sober friends.
