Coping with Trauma and PTSD in Sobriety ft. Johnny Bear (#198)

Sober Steve Chats with Johnny Bear from Belly Talk on sobriety and bear community wellness

Sober Steve celebrates his 1,117 days sober by sharing his gratitude for the supportive Sarasota community and exciting Pride Month activities. He then interviews Johnny Bear from the Belly Talk podcast, who opens up about his tumultuous journey through addiction, self-discovery, and eventual sobriety. They discuss the challenges and triumphs of remaining sober while being active in social and bear communities, and share advice on building a support network, seeking help, and maintaining daily sobriety practices. Johnny also highlights the importance of authenticity, community support, and promoting wellness within the bear culture. Full of personal insights and inspirational stories, this episode offers encouragement and practical tips for anyone navigating their path to sobriety.

00:00 Introduction and Gratitude
00:50 Interview with Johnny Bear
01:49 Johnny's Journey to Sobriety
04:38 Challenges and Turning Points
12:31 Finding Community and Self-Discovery
16:31 Overcoming Abuse and Seeking Help
21:51 Rebuilding Life and Embracing Sobriety
26:01 Maintaining Sobriety and Community Engagement
31:22 Conclusion and Contact Information

**Where to Find Us:**
- Johnny Bear on Instagram 🟢
- Johnny Bear on Belly Talk  🖇️
- Johnny Bear’s Blog!
- The Belly Club Facebook Group  🖇️
- gAy A on IG 🟢
- gAy A everywhere else 🖇️

Tell a friend to listen today!! Until next time, stay sober!

Transcript

0:00

Either everyone. It's a sober Steve, the podcast guy here today with 1,117 days sober. And I am so grateful for all the amazing activities that have been going on in Sarasota right now in my local community for pride this month, it has been an amazing pride. I've been very social and I love being able to do it all sober, which is something in the past, even a couple of years ago, while I was still relatively new in sobriety, I was worried about going up to events like this, where there was. Alcohol involved or things like that, but I work an awesome program. Have amazing fellows, have a great community in all of you. And now I'm getting able to do all these amazing, wonderful things each weekend in my community. And I love it. So thank you for that. I'm grateful for you being a part of my strength and courage to be able to get out there. And I am very excited to share with you my. Interview today that I did with Johnny bear from the belly talk pod I am so glad that we connected and I hope as I reached out to his co-host, there's even a little bit of a cross promotion going on. So if you. Love this episode. Make sure you go check out, bear talk. And if you do make sure you reach out to their hosts and say like, Johnny bear, we loved you on gay and coach com. Make sure you have Steve on your podcast because we want to hear more of him talking about his bear things. So. With that though, I will let you check out the interview. It is a great one. So enjoy. And I do my little outro at the end of that as well. So thank you, everyone is always for making sure that you tell your friends who are sober. That might be able to get something out of this podcast to go check it out wherever they find podcasts or help them find it even better. Because sometimes people don't know how to find podcasts. So help your friend who is sober or looking to get sober or sober, curious to find the podcast. Enjoy the interview and stay sober friends.

Steve: 1:50

Hey there, It's your host Steve here with Johnny.

Johnny Bear: 1:53

Hey Steve

Steve: 1:55

I had the pleasure of connecting with you through instagram and you are a fellow podcaster, Why don't you introduce yourself to the listeners?

Johnny Bear: 2:02

Sure. I'm Johnny. I go by Johnny Bear. I do co host a podcast called Belly Talk, which is about bear wellness in the bear community. And yes, I live a sober life. Thank goodness. It's been a long, long windy road, but I'm very thankful and grateful to be here. In this moment with you.

Steve: 2:25

Excellent. And speaking of gratitude, what would you say would be one or two items on your gratitude list today?

Johnny Bear: 2:31

Oh, today, for sure. You know, even though we're in the middle of the heat wave, the ability to be able to go out, have a place to live, have a car, go out and get what I need to get, come back to air conditioning, you know, it's easy to take all that for granted. but to have the means and the resources and the life. That I have now compared to what it used to be like. that was where I was focused on my gratitude this morning.

Steve: 3:03

That's excellent. And in addition to that, not only is this, I mean, it's Pride every single episode here, but it's also, we are in the middle of Pride Month. What's your favorite part of being a member of the queer and gay community today?

Johnny Bear: 3:14

Oh my goodness. the most beautiful thing for me right now is being part of community. I recently moved up to northeast up here in upstate New York near Woodstock, New York. In a town called Kingston, and it's such a thriving gay Mecca, you know, it's like P Town in the mountains, and I volunteer for the local LGBT center, and this weekend I was able to be a part of a community project to paint the flags The rainbow flags and the trans flags in the crosswalk of the downtown or uptown Kingston. And that was, I was standing there painting early in the morning and I was just like, Oh my God, look at all these beautiful people and all these young children and parents. And it was just, I said, God, I'm so blessed to be a part of community. So I think that's the main crux of this year's celebration.

Steve: 4:19

That's wonderful. I love that community is so important. And I was really blessed early on with starting this podcast right away that I kind of had a virtual community. And then my sober community, but being able to build one recently in real life has also been a game changer. So I can definitely relate to that.

Johnny Bear: 4:35

Absolutely.

Steve: 4:36

And why don't we jump right into it then? share a little bit about what your life and journey to where you are today was like in terms of drugs, alcohol, and sobriety.

Johnny Bear: 4:46

Sure. I'll tell you the story. And by no means by me telling you this story is some of the, some of the things I'll share were pretty traumatic and I'm going to share it from a place of storytelling. So I won't, I really. I probably won't get into a lot of the emotionality of it, but by no means do I want your listeners to feel like I'm not, it wasn't an emotional challenge at all because it's still a daily practice for me. But for, for. For now, I'll just share the story and lay the groundwork. I, you know, when I was born, literally I was born with my eyes sealed and I had a cleft lip and palate and I had a hernia and I had a couple other challenges physically. So, I had this notion in my head growing up because I had surgery all the time. Every summer, pretty much throughout my teens, I was having reconstructive surgery, and somehow I got this theme in my head that I was born to be fixed, which means that I was broken because nobody That I knew looked like me or had the issues that I had. And that was a great challenge and it started me off on a path of pretty much low self esteem and depression. And when my dad left, when I was five, set me off even more. So pretty much around my teenage years. is when I, I found drugs, you know, marijuana, basically, which is what's my gateway. And it was so easily accessible because my father and stepmother smoke weed all the time. It was the late 70s. So early 80s. So it wasn't that unheard of at that time, but I had easy access. So I just started smoking weed. Boy, did life change. I finally felt like all the pain and suffering internally was just up smoke and eventually, unfortunately things graduated. As I got older, pills got involved and I, it was right around the years crack was introduced to the world in the mid eighties. So I was dabbling in that and then I was. lacing my weed with heroin and then I was selling angel dust and smoking it. And eventually it turned into cocaine use. And that was my driving force. Everything in my life became all about cocaine. Getting coke and maintaining a lifestyle. So any little jobs I had I wound up losing. I dropped out of high school in my senior year so I could work so I can get high. And unfortunately the adults around me. didn't have much presence with me in life. They kind of always left me out there on my own to go through stuff. Even though I lived with them, my, my mother and my stepfather, God bless them that, you know, they're great providers, but emotionally they just weren't So at the age of 19, I was now really In deep and I was getting high all alone. I was traveling to the South Bronx. Which if none of your listeners know is a really terrible, terrible part of New York. And I've had guns put to the side of my head, you know, messing with me. And then one evening, probably three in the morning, and I had just sold a piece of jewelry that I had stole from my grandmother and I wound up getting sexually assaulted. by two drug dealers, two men. And it was looking back now. It was brutal back then. All I wanted to do literally was get my drugs and get out. And that was my focus the whole time. But I eventually got out and did an eight ball. On my way home in the car on the side of the highway between the attack and the April, it's one of the times where I, I just, and angels were looking over me because it was, it was my body. what my body went through is pretty horrific. that kind of ended my run for hard drugs at that time. there was no way I was going back down and I had to heal. My body was in pretty bad shape and nobody really paid attention. they just figured I was so good at avoiding. Attention from anybody growing up with the face that I had, I learned how to live in the shadows and that was kind of like my apparatus and within my whole life was just living in the shadow so I could get away with a lot of stuff unfortunately for me. That was one way that I got through that time. But after that I continued to smoke weed and whatnot. And when I was 20 my, and that, mind you, I wasn't out yet. I didn't even know about sexuality. I had no idea who I was. I just knew getting high was my life. But at the time I was with a girl A steady girlfriend and she wound up getting pregnant and my daughter died on the day of her birth which was when I was 20, 21 years old. So, and that week I was, I was such a fixer and such a caretaker people that I asked her to marry me while we were in the hospital. So we got married. Samantha, my daughter, died in June and we were married in October. And then our son was conceived in December and born the following September. And then we split the following September. It was such, it sounds like, as I'm speaking, it just sounds so crazy because it was. And all through that time I was smoking weed on the side and drinking a bit. But at that point in my life, I wasn't a major drinker, but it helped to take the edge off of everything I was going through. And so here we are, we split. I moved back in with my parents. I'm 23. I had my first kind of nervous breakdown. And I found a therapist who I had to happen to be a nun. My family was very involved in church. So I got very involved in everything Catholic all my energy and, and time shifted from getting high to being a raving fanatic of faith which I'm not knocking for some people at works, of course. But it lay groundwork for later years in my life. for my spiritual journey, but it wasn't for me because during that time, I began to realize that there was something going on that I started to look at guys a little differently. And I think because I started to identify and discover who I was after all these years, like. There was a sense of identity that I never had. So now I'm a single dad. Pretty much raising my son with the help of my parents because his mom, my ex wife she was 18. So she was, needing to live her life the way she needed to. So it was pretty much here. I was now growing up with this child. Okay. I needed to be there for him. these parts of me started peeking out. So I began to explore my sexuality and boom, it was like the lights went on. it was the summer of 1994 and it was the 25th anniversary of Stonewall and the gay games were in Manhattan. I went out and it was unbelievable it was the beginning of my Renaissance period. from 25 to 30. I had like this great awakening. I went back to school because I had dropped out. So I went back to got my GED. I started to go to college. And I got my associate's degree and then my bachelor's degree and then my master's degree. And that's coming from somebody who was considered himself really, really stupid because there was no self esteem. And I started to attend the LGBT center locally and making friends and just. Life was good for the first time ever. Life was good. And then I was 29 going on 30 and I met someone and he was everything you could imagine you would want a partner to be. He was beautiful and he was a dancer and he was an educator and he was smart and everything. So I fell and I fell hard and quick. And we spent the next 10 years together and throughout the 10 years, his true colors emerged early on. And he was an abuser and psychologically, emotionally at first. And then physically and sexually making me attend various horrible sex parties. And it was just. Everything that I had gained over the previous five years had just gone. So I started drinking a lot to cope. And I realized probably in the fifth year, the more I was drinking, the more license I think he had to do more of his dirty deeds, if you want to call it that. When we went out or whenever we went anywhere I was always at the bar right away. And he was off doing his thing. And it was, it was a really tough time. I was still. I was a dad and I was working now. I was a social worker of all things. Helping people during the day with their issues. And living at night, this double life of, of the complete opposite of everything I was trying to help people do was to reclaim their own lives and unfortunately that lasted 10 years and Eventually, through during that 10 years after one night of a terrible beating, I I realized I was just, I never fought back and I'm a big guy. Back then I was close to 300 pounds because I was eating a lot as well. So I'm And he was maybe five, nine and 130 pounds wet. I mean, here I was this big guy, but I never fought back because I always understood his issues. I always understood it from his past and I'm a social worker and. I could fix this if I could just find the right way. So it was one night after a pretty terrible beating that I realized I was, I wanted to fight back, but I was too drunk to fight. I, my motor skills were crazy, crazy dull. And I just remember laying there and he had dumped all, I had started seeing a psychiatrist and he had dumped all my medications. It's all over the hardwood floors and threw me down in it. So I was laying there and I said, it's something you got to do something here. Something's got to change. You can't live this. And none of this was ever in front of my thank God. But later on, I found out that he, he, he knew he had a vibe as kids do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was then I, I started to explore AA and NA, just Any kind of a, an OA I went to as well, because I was realized I was, before I would go home at night, I would be stopping at McDonald's and getting three big Macs and eating them as one sandwich just to insulate enough to be able to go home and deal with whatever version of him I was dealing with. So I got a lot of education through those meetings, but it, nothing really. Gave me tools, but I wasn't ready. Yeah, I just wasn't there. And eventually on the, around the 10th year of our relationship I found this somebody who kind of had an interest in me and started to build up my self esteem. And I got, I wound up learning to fall back in love with myself. And once I did that, I looked at him, my, my ex husband, and I said, no more, no more. I, I can't, I think he went to raise his hand to me and, and I just put my hand up and, and I, and I grabbed his wrist and I just, and now, you know, I tell you I'm much stronger and I'm, And he said, Oh, what are you doing? You're abusing me. You're what it was. It was so crazy. And I said, it's over. So we wound up, unfortunately, living together for six more months which was torturous, but I remember it was the summer of the Twilight books. So I was able to read those books all summer and avoid him as much as I could. And then from the age 40, cause now I'm 40 years old to 47, I I started to try to figure out what went wrong, how I could live a better life, but I still wasn't identifying. Any real core issues. I just figured this was all, since I had such insight as a social worker, I had a PhD in myself and, you know, I was going from different therapists and trying to figure it all out and keeping things on the surface as you know because I, I knew why I was doing what I was doing, but I was trying to break the behaviors. And at that time I had. I was not drinking anymore, still smoking a little bit of weed, and then unfortunately I binged on coke one weekend, and I had a massive nosebleed, and went to the hospital, and, and all the reconstruction I had done on my nose as a child was, started to really, you know, It took its toll that last weekend and the doctor told me if you ever do this again, not only could you die, but your face could collapse. That was that. And I started reading the big book just to keep my, my, keep it fresh in my head. And then I'm winding down the story. So now I'm 47. I went to culinary school. When I was 45, just to reboot my life and try to start a new career. I've always had a passion for food and I graduated from a culinary school in Manhattan within a year. And I started working in high end restaurants and did this working 16, 17 hour days for two and a half years. And as an older person in the kitchen, it's not. Probably not the best place for, for, for somebody my age at that point. And I wound up burning out physically and I said, all right, I need to take a break. And when I was home for a couple of months, it was the dead of winter out on the Island, but you know, so it's pretty quiet. And I started to have like these flashes of I was sitting on the toilet and sorry if it's gross, but I started seeing blood in the toilet and I would get up and I would turn back around and there was no blood in the toilet. And things like that started happening more and more. And I started, I really thought I was going crazy. I started hearing voices, a lot of Spanish voices that weren't, there was no Spanish people around, but I was hearing that I was having horrific dreams that people were breaking into my house. I called 911 one night because I thought somebody was in my house. It was slowly, but surely probably for three months, driving me really nuts to the point where I attempted to take my life and fortunately that didn't work out. But I, the next day I went and sought help and they set up a program for me. It was like impatient without walls. So I had like five different people I was responsible to see and talk to on a weekly basis. So from 47 to now, 55, my life really, I really began to live such an It's been a really amazing life. So anyway, that's the that's the I'm gonna I'm gonna stop talking a little bit in case you have some questions

Steve: 24:18

All right. Sounds good. Well, thank you so much for being so vulnerable with sharing all of that I know that we all have different experiences through life But so many of us that find our way into the rooms eventually Can say like they had a childhood or a young adulthood or teen experiences that were very much like Of course I drink. Of course. I do drugs Look at these things i've been through or you get kind of this resume of the traumatic Fucked up shit that's happened to us and we use it as a reason like why to stay in our situation rather than why to get Out of it So what advice would you say to someone? Who's trying to get out of it and like is ready to make that change or to make that adjustment to try and Start their sobriety.

Johnny Bear: 24:58

Well, that that's Yeah That's the beauty of where I'm at now and where I started at 47 was seeking help, asking for help. And you know what, if you don't want to see a therapist or you know, a psychiatrist, go to a meeting get online that, you know, if you don't want to be out around people, there's so many resources on the internet now. It's unbelievable. Do something virtual, read a book, anybody that is I call them good news people that you could find to surround yourself with, do that. Because it's so vital to have feedback from another person because we need to get out of our own heads, even though we're, we're doing the work and where we're really have the best intentions for ourselves. The, to get that kind of feedback from somebody else, it makes such a difference and it really helps reaffirm your path. Sure. I

Steve: 26:01

like it. And what would you say are some sober practices that you keep in your life that helped you get sober that you still do today?

Johnny Bear: 26:10

You know, it's amazing because even though the last thing I would really want to do is. Get high or, or drunk. There are times where I'm in situations now, cause I'm so involved in different communities. And I remember last year going to a bear retreat in Portugal and a lot of those evenings, we went to the bars and there were a lot of opportunity and I, I, It was almost like a automatic reflex to want to go to the bar or want to go to the bathroom and Pick up something that was available. But what I did first I had the realization that this is just an automatic response, so I could rely on my mental health toolbox, everything that I built up, all my, my tools and utilize them. So I took myself out of this situation and graciously say goodbye. And, and I took a long walk. And then I my room and journaled for, for most of the which is such a expressive way for me to work through whatever feelings. I, I journal without judgment, so I do a lot of writing. I also am avo so I go out and just watch the world in a, in the present moment. And embrace a lot the eyes gratitude.

Steve: 27:45

I love that. The eyes of gratitude. yeah, you're so colorful with your words. I love the turns of phrases that you use. as you're, as you share, like, you not only have your sober communities, which I love, we all need them because there are safe, sober spaces, but you also venture out into the B. E. A. R. community. I'm sure if any of my listeners have been like, ooh, a podcast about B. E. A. R. talk, like, tell me more about how you've navigated and maintained your sobriety and kept true to that part of you while you're in these groups that, oftentimes are very drug or alcohol fueled.

Johnny Bear: 28:17

Yeah. Part of what, you know, part of, I mentioned earlier, or we mentioned earlier that, you know, I'm co host podcast. That podcast is a direct result of creating a different avenue for the bear culture to express and explore wellness. So it's a platform that my. My partner in crime the co my co host, he has he's built a community. His name is coach cub. He's built the, the, the belly community. And that he hosts alcohol free events and classes and yoga classes and cuddle and dances and retreats away. So that's really encouraged. So a lot of, so we meet once a week, we do podcasts people just to talk about wellness and what like to have an alternative bear universe to give options to people like me. and others out there. So that, that's a huge component to me, staying engaged with our community. Yeah. Staying true to needs and my

Steve: 29:37

Yeah, that's awesome. I give you so much props, like working with him on like, I oftentimes finally, when you find two things that you love, like for your case, you know, the sobriety and your community there and the belly talk in the community there, like being able to merge them together with those types of events, it's always fun when you find that both of your niches actually have some overlay as well, where people are like, this is really cool.

Johnny Bear: 29:56

Yes.

Steve: 29:58

What would you say is one thing you've learned about yourself or that's helped you grow in your sobriety from the podcast?

Johnny Bear: 30:04

Oh, speaking my truth, you know, for the most part, you know, utilizing my voice and realizing that I don't just talk my talk in my head, but I literally walk my walk as well in life and having a platform where I'm sharing so authentically and with an open heart and open mind. And hearing the words come out of my mouth and, and then having a playback afterwards, when I listened to, I'm like, wow, you really know your shit. I mean, you've really been through it and you really, you, you really have a lot to say. And it, and coming from a lifetime of not having any sort of identity a foundation within myself, the, you know, the path. eight years learning that I have this beautiful voice these beautiful stories to share and to be able to give back. I think that's part of my love language is giving back. And so that in and of itself Is, is the greatest gift that I've gotten so far.

Steve: 31:21

Excellent. So, Bears, if you're interested in learning more about the Bear community, check out Ballet Talk. It's out wherever you listen to this podcast. I'm sure you can find their podcast as well. They have great SEO, so it'll pop up right away when you type it in. And Johnny, how can people connect with you if they resonate and want to thank you for your sharing your message so boldly or connect more one on one?

Johnny Bear: 31:44

Oh, sure. I'm on Instagram, mostly. It's therealjohnnybear69. Instagram. And the 69 is my birth year, a sexual thing.

Steve: 31:58

I'm sure that people like we'll think it's both all the time, constantly. Yeah. Or who knows?

Johnny Bear: 32:04

Yeah. also my Facebook group is also the, the belly talk Facebook group. So you could always reach out join in there. It's a, it's a buffet of, Positivity.

Steve: 32:18

Excellent. Sounds good. I'll link over to all of that in the show notes. Thank you so much for coming on and joining the gay a family. We'll have to have you back on for a topic episode to talk more about about bear culture sometime.

Johnny Bear: 32:28

Yay. Thanks so much, Steve. Really appreciate the work you do.

Steve: 32:32

All right. Thank you. And thank you listeners tuning into another great episode of gay a make sure you follow Johnny see you all next week. Stay sober. Bye.