Mailbag Part 2: Sober Lessons over 200 Episodes!

In this 201st episode of the Queer Sober Hero Show, host Sober Steve celebrates over 1,132 days of sobriety by answering questions from influential guests who’ve been significant to his podcast and recovery journey. This second part of the 200th episode mailbag extravaganza features Steve reflecting on his transformation, the ongoing battle with alcohol-related thoughts, and the joys of living a sober, authentic life while addressing key questions and providing insights on sobriety and community.

Celebrate by binging past episodes by the amazing guests who asked this week's questions!

Charlie's Episodes:
#23 At Least I'm Not The Frog
#81 Listen To Yourself
#116 The Frog's Bottle
#135 Sexuality
#180 The Frog No More

Christina Hayes Scott:
#194- Unraveling Recovery

Jason R:
#125 Give It Your All
#168 Sex in Recovery

Eric from Sobervation:
#67 Not Afraid
#191 Sobervation

Alex S
#77 You're Not Struggling Alone
#192 Journaling and Community

Brandy Jo
#53 You Get Better
#83 Discovering Your Identity
#104 Marriage

Chapters

• 0:00 Grateful for More Mailbag Questions!
• 1:13 Charlie Gray- Obsessing over Alcohol
• 4:12 Christina- Sober Community
• 7:33 Jason- Bad Behavior Sober
• 10:35 Eric: What I Wish I Knew on Day 1
• 14:10 Alex S: States and Celebrations
• 16:48 Brandy Jo: The Impossible Coming True

Transcript

0:01

Hey, there are super sober heroes. It's your host sober Steve, the podcast guy. Here with episode 201 of the queer sober hero show. I am so excited to be here 1,132 days sober. And if you heard last week's episode, you know, what's coming, but if not surprise, we just passed 200 episodes. And the way that we celebrated was out to some of. My guests that have had the biggest impact, not just on this podcast, but also my life and my recovery. And ask them to send in questions for me to answer for all of you. And what I love about my circle is that they all came through and asked more questions than I thought I would receive so much so that I split it up into two episodes. So here we are at the second half of the. 200th episode anniversary mailbag. Extravaganza. So I am thrilled about that. Grateful for that. And there's even more questions this week than last week. So we will dive right into it. With someone who I knew I was going to ask, cause it was another person who has been on the podcast now. So many times, I think tying with Dave for number five. Five guests spots. It's our author, Charlie gray. You know him, he's the author of, at least I'm not the frog and that trilogy, he was on all the way back near the beginning episode 23 where he was. One of the first guests that I interviewed. And then of course I had him back again and again, 81, 1 16. 1 35 and 180. So not only did we talk about his books, but we also did an episode on sexuality and one about being a sober hero and it's been amazing having him be a part of my recovery journey. I know they'll never go away completely. But when did urges become less extreme and frequent? It's interesting. Reflecting back and looking back that even when I was counting days and sober, my mind was so obsessed with alcohol 24 7. That's why I did so much with meetings and with starting this podcast. Because alcohol was on my brain so much that I couldn't stop it. And so if I was going to be thinking about it anyway, I figured I might as well be thinking about it. In meetings or doing something sober related where we're addressing the problem with alcohol and not me reminiscing back about the good old days when my life was offline, I wanted to die. But I thought about it so much all the time consistently, What about those people drinking while they think about my not drinking, there was so much still alcohol on my brain. Literally as it was like leaving my body. And as I was getting used to breaking these habits, because it was so ingrained into like all parts of my daily routine and not just the parts where I was drinking, but there were parts of the day where I wasn't drinking, but I still was used to thinking about alcohol or having alcohol It was part of my routine. So much of my life that I had to build up an entire new life that didn't revolve around it. So it did take about three to six months for it to stop being a regular, every single day thought. Alcohol also be my answer to any conflict that I got into. I remember like by six months I can go a day without thinking about alcohol. If the day was perfect and no one bothered me and nothing wrong happened, and life lived like I lived life Among my expectations for it, rather than the other way around of me, just trusting the process and trusting my higher power. But it was through working the steps where. My solution to these conflicts, wasn't automatically I need to drink, or I wish I could drink, or I should be drinking. Or if only I could drink it started to becoming like, all right, let's deal with this problem. Or is this even a problem period? Or is it just something I'm making up? Because I'm so used to life being this cycle and circle of misery and problems and issues that I would oftentimes try and make mountains out of molehills and early recovery. And that was around the time that I finished my steps as when I really started clicking for me that there was life beyond being centered and focused on alcohol or sobriety even like 24, 7. But as long as I put my sobriety first that there was room to have other things second and third and fourth and so on in my life. When at first I felt like I needed to be living in that safe bubble. And only in that safe bubble for about a year. Thank you so much. and a more recent guest N new favorite lady is Christina, who. As from unraveling and recovery, which was also the name of her episode, number 1 94, you don't have to scroll far to find that one. And she is lovely and jumps right away at the chance to join in and ask what are some tips for finding other sober, queer or LGBTQ plus events that don't revolve around alcohol? I always have to recommend 12 step meetings for people, whether you've tried them or not. Because if you've not tried them, they're never as scary as you think they are. So I put that out there, whatever your ism was, there's a program for it that you should check out and give a chance and go open-minded and be ready to identify with what people are talking about rather than comparing yourselves to them. So definitely try that out. But in addition to that, You also do need a social community. And a lot of times those meetings are built in where they also will oftentimes go before or after out certain groups to food, And also it doesn't always need to happen directly tied to a meeting. So also I'm a big firm believer that if your area is large enough to have a queer 12 step meeting of some sort, your area is large enough to have some Sort of queer, sober social event. It doesn't need to have 30, 40, 50 people for you to be able to call it a party. If you have eight, 10 other people in your town and surrounding areas who might show up for something sober and something social, like organize it yourself. But when I got. Sober and wanted to find a community. I looked online and I found about roundups right away, and those are huge queer events generally based in 12 steps, but not always here. Queer sober. Next September is one. That's going to be for everyone from all roads to recovery that you all need to go to because I am going to be making one hell of a program with a whole bunch of amazing people. Really stressing the point that sobriety is for everyone Christina's involved in it as well. So making events like. That not only on a big scale in big cities, like New York, but also in your small areas. Having, even if it is just five to six of you going out once a month and making a plan like once a month, we're going to go out and do something. Whether it be something physical I've loved, having sober social events, outdoors, doing things like ropes courses or beach days. if you're near the water, if you're near a theme park, Do something sober as a group and enjoy yourselves. It doesn't have to be organized at a huge level Just a whole bunch of fellows all together and do something sober, but there's a space for that everywhere. And I've also learned that, especially when you expand it beyond 12 step programs, you also have people in your community that are sober, curious, or don't drink, but might not consider themselves sober that will come to these events because they also don't need alcohol to have fun. they're people that you won't see at meetings, cause they're not. And we'll show up for these events. So find the events and if the events aren't happening plan and organize them. Size doesn't matter in this case, just have fun with some people in your community and connect because it is about connection at the end of the day. Thank you again, Christina. And next up we have Jason who first appeared in episode 1 25. Give it your all. And then came back for 1 68 sex in recovery. So listen to it. If you haven't already. But his question was, have you ever reverted back to behavior prior to your recovery? And how did you get back to being your sober self? You know, around last August through September of last year, I got a case at the buckets. And the way. everyone's personal lives and experiences are different. But the way that looking back, I was able to identify for myself that I was in danger. Was that. I was going to meetings, but I wasn't paying attention in the meetings. If I was logged on to a zoom, I was occupied on my phone or at times even my Nintendo switch, I wasn't raising my hand. I wasn't putting effort in, I wasn't sending text messages during the day fellows who would reach out to me, I'd give like one or two word answers back. So I wasn't connecting with other. The episodes of the podcasts were still coming out, but oftentimes it was very much me just using the same script. And the same questions and kind of going through the motions again, I was there, but wasn't my heart behind it. It was like every single post is excellent. Perfect. As it could have been, or as regular as it could have been. No, I was very much going through the motions sober. And the more that I wasn't actively engaged in my sobriety, the more resentful I got and judgemental I got and irritable that I got and discontent that I got. Until I got to the point where after having that, like, Being detached, not connecting and not working a program, not being active, not being social, even personally being very, like, not communicating even with my husband, just like withdrawing. I was acting very alcoholically, even though I wasn't picking up a drink and I realized that now, but that's what it looked like for me was when I was not working a good program and all those things were occurring I was miserable. And I got to the point that I was like, why. Am I even here and sober and living this life. If this is what my life looks like. So last week, you got to hear about what that was looking like on the outside and the changes that I needed to make this week. I figured I would answer this question more talking about just like, that's the warning signs, if you are going to meetings, but you're not raising your hand, or if you're not going to meetings when you used to go, whatever your program is, if you're breaking your sober program or you're not working, whatever your sober program looks like. That's when, in my experience, you really need to start looking out because that's when that bad behavior and fuck it's will come back and it's not cute. And it's dangerous. I'm glad that I was able to not only like push past it, but through it in a way that it led to this whole new second. Layer of awesome life, but it definitely was something that took some, some getting to. as well as a number of 67, not afraid. And his question was, what do you know now about sobriety that you wished you knew when you were on day one? And I would say that I don't know whether I would listen to myself on day one. I couldn't listen to much of anything on day one when I went to my first meeting, which I think was on day two, the only thing that I remember hearing was them telling me that we might not be for you in which case, like I was like, yeah, you're not for me. But I also heard the second half of their thought, which was. But there will be a meeting out there. That will be so keep trying different meetings. and there was a lot of advice that first week that wasn't going through because I was going through detox. But if I was able to get myself advice that stuck, it would have been that the answer. To my sobriety, at least for me personally. Isn't just online in the zoom rooms and in the podcast and in the virtual community that I've found slash created. it also, isn't only in-person with in-person meetings and meetings after the meetings at restaurants and doing service locally, it's not an either or just like so much of my life. It doesn't have to be black and white. It can be Both things. I need my online community. I can't exist without all of you because I'm able to connect with more people like me. When I brought in my search range. The whole world than I do when I am just in Sarasota. So I'm finding a lot more amazing, wonderful people beyond my backyard, but that doesn't mean that I can't stay sober and live an amazing, awesome life. That's been getting better and better because I also do have people in my own backyard who are different than me, that challenged me to grow and challenge me in the ways that I think as well. And so it is excellent having both, but it took me about two and a half years to realize that it's not either or because even when I would go. out to in-person meetings, all they would do is complain about how zoom wasn't a real thing, and Zoom's not real sobriety. Meanwhile here I am having already found a zoom group that feels like home. That made me feel comfortable. That helped me stay sober through a crazy experience at our friend's wedding. the zoom group and these people were my people and they saved my life. And I would go to these in-person meetings and have people tell me that that's not real, that that's not valid. That turned me away from going to those meetings. And similarly, like the pupil online were like, don't go to those meetings in your town. It's just a whole bunch of old timers So at the same time, it's not an either or even if other people might make it seem like it's either or that's their own issues. Again, it's not about you. But for me, in my experience, my solution is both. And so I wish that I knew that on day one, rather than having to go through that two and a half years of going back and forth or being very confused. Thank you, Eric for that. And alex S who, you know, from you are not struggling alone back in episode number 77, as well. As more recently in 1 92, where we talked about journaling and community. Asks two questions. One is a quick number one and one I'll talk about the first one was how many states have been represented by the podcast? And I'm curious, how do you celebrate sober milestones? So I haven't kept track of where guests live, because that sounds like a Google spreadsheet document. Tracking beautiful mind type of level, attention to detail that I don't have as a podcaster right now. If someone wants to hire me a virtual assistant or real assistant, I will have them go back and figure that out. However, what I did look up. Thanks to my Buzzsprout stats and my provider who just spits out numbers, listeners who have downloaded episodes directly to the device that they're listening on rather than just streaming them. Those people I've reached in over 84 countries. And over 2,383 cities. So 84 countries feels like a lot. I don't know how many countries there are in the world, but. That's a lot of countries and that's a lot of cities as well. That is where my podcast is reached. People in terms of listeners, in terms of guests, I would love for someone to reply back with exactly like where I'm at with that tracking, because how they found out also, I would love them for that. So I got what I needed to done for the day, but took the morning for myself and my afternoon with my loved one. And it was an awesome day, even though I also had strep throat the entire time, and I was just being stubborn and pretending I was fine when I. Was really sick. And also I was doing an ask me anything on Instagram, which I later reported back on here at the beginning of an episode for listeners. Not only was I focusing on me, but I was also actively engaging with all of you on social media. So fun working on my sobriety as well as myself. Great way to celebrate and congratulations on the tattoo though. That is awesome. I wish that I can get more tattoos, but when I got my one tattoo on my back, When I was in my early twenties, that tattoo artists was like, please do never, ever get a tattoo ever again, because you are such a bad candidate for it, with the way that you react to needles. One of the times he's like you passed out the needle, hadn't even touched your skin. You were just afraid that it was coming so much that you passed out. I don't do well with needles. Tattoos, not for me. Love that journey for you though, Alex. Thank you so much for sharing. And Brandy, Joe. Oh, how I love you. So you first appeared. Early on as well. Back in episode number 53, And then you came back for episode 83 for discovering your identity and then 1 0 4. When we talked about marriage I love you so much. And all the support that you've given me from the beginning. you wrote in so excited for this episode and all your episodes. I absolutely adore you. What is something early on in sobriety that you thought was impossible, but it has already come true. And I love that question because in my program, so often they talk about the promises and there are days where I'm like, I have most of those already. How. Is that possible? And it is an excellent question because so oftentimes in meetings I will hear the promises and be like, holy cow, I have most of these on most days. Thankfully God willing, as long as I'm doing my work of staying connected and going to meetings and talking with people and doing this podcast So, I remember. When I first got sober. I thought all the promises from the program were just the number one sign that it was a cult and to run away from it. I also remember the thing that kept me from getting sober for so long. Was that I was convinced when I was drinking that I might be drinking until I kill myself, but it doesn't matter because if I got sober, I might as well be dead anyway, because I would never be able to have fun again. And so early on, there were moments when I would have a little bit of fun and I was like, oh, that's not true. But like, I really want to stress that for anyone out there that might be struggling or has left and come back and struggles with that. Like, I know that. I'm having more fun in my sobriety and the more sobriety I have under my belt. the more time I have to heal and grow and learn and evolve, the more fun I'm having in life just every day, all day long, most days I'm having fun. I'm also able to realize that that will pass, which is also wild because if I stop my Mo my toe at nine o'clock in the morning, that was a sign for me back then that the day was fucked and everything might as well get burned to shit because I stubbed my toe in how dare me. Everything's awful. And now throughout the day, bad things will happen and I'll feel my feelings about them. And then I will let them go and move on. And then normally within a half an hour to 45 minutes, if not sooner, I like dance so much in place or around the house or when I'm in the gym. Now I go out to church. Now I go do kickball. Now I work out. Now I do all of these things out and about living my authentic free life wearing. And expressing my sense of style. However I want and being myself. Whether that's flamboyant at times or whatever other insecurities used to tell myself that used to try and dim my shine so that I could fit in and be like other people that weren't me and learning sobriety that I can be myself and be free and have fun with it. And have more fun than I've ever experienced before. When I was drinking, even when they say it was drinking with fun and little problems or no problems, I try and think back to what fun I was having back then. And it is nothing compared to the sheer and pure joy that I've experienced at some of these roundups at some of these fellowship experiences at some of these just nights out with my friends and family and loved ones, just living life present and in the moment. I'm having more fun than I've ever had before, which I think is just so wild. Considering that back in the day, I was like, well, I can't get sober because I'll never have fun ever again. I hope that people out there as more of us are living out loud, sober lives, authentic lives, and being very fun. and not stuffy and doing our dance parties and going out and doing events and being sexy and going to the gym. And that we're like living our best lives. It's going to be encouraging people that when they. get sober if they need to get sober, if that's the path that's right for them. That it's not the end anymore, because I probably would have listened a little bit sooner if I thought that I knew it was just the beginning. Because that's what it's been for me. The sobriety journey. Starting this podcast when I was, prepared for the launch on 90 days and the past 200 episodes of this, as well as everything else that I've experienced in my life. Since I've. Got sober. Over three years ago. Has been so life-changing that it really has been like the fresh start of my life. I look back at the first 30 something years of my life as almost like the pre-call. And I used to think that I would never make it to 35 or 40, I would put a gun to my mouth and my 39th birthday of that was going to happen because just this world was too painful to live in. And now here I am with 40, a couple years away and I'm not even dreading it. I'm excited about it because. As of right now since getting sober and since embracing my authentic life and living my truth, I feel like I got in this case of Benjamin button syndrome where I just keep on feeling younger and younger. And I just can't wait to see what this process and what this journey will look like for me in my life and my recovery and with this podcast as well, because 200 is not. This is still just beginning and we're going to keep ongoing before we know it. The sky's the limit because I, one day at a time, continue to want to grow and grow with this podcast and grow with all of you. So thank you for listening to these episodes. It's meant so much to me. I remember when I first started doing these episodes where I would do ones that were audio diaries. I was so afraid to make them anything more than five to 10 minutes, because I was so afraid that no one would want to listen to me. What did I have to say for 30 minutes? How could I keep someone engaged for that long? But if you're listening to this, I've learned and I've embraced it and it's exciting. So thank you so much for listening to another episode of gay. I am in real lifetime recording and interview tonight and another one in two days. So we are going to be going back to interviews the next couple of weeks, and I have some very exciting guests planned. So make sure you're following this wherever you're listening and that you have left a five star review. If you love us and want other people to find us easier, it's the number one way podcasts apps will say, wow, Steve is doing a great job and we should totally let other sober curious people know that he's a resource. until next time stay sober.