Being "Out" in Sobriety ft. Danielle

Hey there, Super Sober Heroes! In today’s episode of gAy A, host Sober Steve (with 1,227 days sober!) welcomes back Danielle—one of our long-time pod family members, to dive into a topic that many in the LGBTQ+ community can relate to: Being “Out” in Sobriety.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

• Danielle reflects on her experiences of coming out in college and how it mirrors her sobriety journey.
• They discuss the importance of recovering out loud and the impact of living authentically in both your sexuality and your recovery.
• The connection between vulnerability and community, and how being open helps others feel less alone.
• Danielle shares how running is part of her self-care routine in sobriety and how she finds both mental and physical health benefits from it.
• Why it’s so crucial to be present and how sobriety allows Danielle and Steve to fully embrace life’s ups and downs.
• The societal assumptions about the queer community and sobriety, and how the LGBTQ+ community continues to evolve with more support and visibility.

Danielle’s candid and insightful take on being open about sobriety, sexuality, and life is sure to inspire anyone struggling with the idea of coming out in any aspect of their life. The conversation highlights the importance of connection, community, and embracing your authentic self, no matter the fears or challenges you face.

Key Moments:

• Danielle shares her personal story about coming out in college after a tragic event sparked her to live authentically.
• The parallel between coming out as LGBTQ+ and coming out as sober.
• The importance of vulnerability and how recovering out loud has helped others start their sobriety journeys.
• Reflections on how the queer community continues to grow stronger despite challenges.

Connect with Danielle:
Follow Danielle on Instagram at @DC_and_Rosie (closed account but accepting friends of Steve!)

Resources Mentioned:

• Looking for support in your sobriety journey? Visit www.sobersteve.com for more resources and community connections.

Make sure to hit Follow so you don’t miss any of our upcoming episodes, and don’t forget to tune in every Thursday for new content.

Follow us on Social Media:

• Instagram: @gAyApodcast
• Facebook: gAy A Podcast

If you enjoyed this episode:
Leave us a rating or review on your favorite podcast platform! Your feedback helps us reach more listeners and grow this amazing community.

Stay Sober, Friends!

Transcript

Steve: 0:01

Hey there, super sober heroes. It's your host. Sober Steve, the podcast guy here today with 1, 227 days sober and here today with a pod family member at this point, Danielle. Welcome back, Danielle.

Danielle: 0:15

Hello, Steve. It's so good to be back. I forgot to check my number of days, but I'm a little over 1700. I do know that.

Steve: 0:23

That is awesome. And I can imagine after that many days, it being hard to keep track of the individual ones. I thank God for my tracking apps as we discussed before. So yes, I know many of our podcast listeners that have been around for a while will have heard you because you've been on episodes talking about things like dating and sobriety with the apps. But why don't you introduce podcasting. Be like me and sometimes forget things.

Danielle: 0:48

Sure. My name is Danielle. I live in Western Massachusetts with my dog Rosie, hence the DC and Rosie is my Instagram handle. And yeah, I have just taking it day by day in my sobriety. And I'm always excited to chat with you, Steve, or really anybody about sobriety recovery. I also when I'm not chatting about that, I run or just try to get out in the woods a whole heck of a lot. And I work at a college, which is, that's work, but my real life is at home me, my dog, and just trying to be Fit and content and enjoy the sunshine as much as possible.

Steve: 1:26

Yeah, I love that. You definitely were one of those interviews when I was early on in recovery and not a runner that I was like, wow, one day maybe I'll be able to run like on purpose and not for a life or death situation. But I wasn't there yet. And now I am there and getting ready for my first big like marathon Spartan race in December. So you were one of the early ones to inspire me to get off the couch and get moving. So thank you.

Danielle: 1:52

Yeah. I say to people all the time, I've been running many years, but in recovery, it's definitely equal parts, physical health, mental health. It's definitely a recharge at this point. I think it's almost like a moving meditation for me. I don't run with headphones, which I know a lot of people think is totally wacky. But yeah I enjoy it. I try to get, I don't always get on the trails, but I try to get out in nature and even on roads, I just take in the sites and the, quirky little things, stop to pet the dogs, that sort of thing.

Steve: 2:22

Yeah, that's great. Now I can imagine, as much as I love a good jam in my headphones, running without all of the distractions is almost like meditation and kind of centers yourself at the same time. So that's cool to try that sometime.

Danielle: 2:35

10 out of 10 recommend, but I know it's not, running in general is not for everybody and running without headphones, I get a lot of. Yeah. A lot of looks when I tell people that.

Steve: 2:44

Yeah, and I know because you've been on this podcast so many times, you've answered this question before, but the answer can always change. What's your favorite part of being sober today?

Danielle: 2:53

Oh yeah, the answer does change because sobriety is definitely a day by day thing. I think even with the ups and downs, my favorite part of being sober is That I'm present, I am one, even the ups, the downs, everything in between, I am 100 percent present with myself, even when I'm thinking about the past or thinking about the future and not quite present, I'm still so much more present than I ever was when I was drinking. So I really appreciate that.

Steve: 3:23

Yeah, I definitely can relate. Even, I was the type, as many of us were, when bad things would happen, my gut instinct would be like, run away, or tune it out, or numb it down. And so when bad things happen, it's still I'm like, why can't I numb things? But then I would also be numbing the good stuff, and it all is worth feeling it all thoroughly for the full, experience.

Danielle: 3:42

Absolutely.

Steve: 3:44

And what about being a member of the queer community today? What's your favorite part of that?

Danielle: 3:50

Oh, that's a good question. I think at this point, it's really just for me. Oh, that's a really good question. I think I really enjoy, I feel like there's a resurgence in the last couple of years of the queer community. I feel like the unfortunate side effect of the extremely polarizing political state we've been in the last I don't know, five or six, eight years has actually created a lot more people to really be vocal about either their support, As an ally or just folks being out and supporting each other and just watching The next generation and all the changes in terms and language and flexibility that they're bringing to the table, it's just it feels you know an exciting time to be part of a community that is really trying to get a foothold in being supportive and strong and you know have a voice

Steve: 4:52

and for this week's topic, I want to talk about being out in sober or being out in recovery because I know that's a choice that, a lot of times people respect the anonymity of 12 step programs, both not only with what goes on in the rooms, but the fact that they have a problem at all. They want to keep that private. It's Part of their story. And then you have people like me and people like you who recover out loud and either make a podcast about it or any time one of your podcast pals reaches out to you say, hell yeah, I'll be on your show. So have you always been the type to do things out loud? Or where does that come from?

Danielle: 5:27

Yeah, I think I feel like it, the two are very related, my, Decision to come out 30 years ago. I came out in college. And I think I talked a little bit on my first podcast about my coming out story and it really was a large part had nothing to do with being gay, but just a classmate of mine, my sophomore year in college had gotten carjacked and murdered. And I just shifted something in me to realize. I have to be me. I have to live my life because life is precious and we don't know how much time we have. And so that sort of started my journey and then, i've always almost always worked at colleges So as I became a professional I had the opportunity to turn around and lend a hand and when I walked into the rooms of aa I fully respect and understand the anonymity and I think a lot of it from the beginning you know was really crucial to the program But for me, I just felt like this is a no brainer. I have to. Provide this support and I have you know, I won't mention them because of anonymity But I know at least five people because I have put things out there on social media Have reached out to me privately have found the rooms have, you know started their sobriety journey And it's just very similar if I can save one life, you know From all the years of working at colleges and knowing i'm setting an example for other queer people Whether they're younger than me or older than me like If I can pave a smoother way for somebody else, I'm going to do that. And I will risk my safety and my wellbeing for that because my safety and wellbeing isn't guaranteed no matter what, so it just, I don't know, for me that's what makes sense for me. I know it's a very intimate decision, especially with sobriety and recovery. There's a lot of shame put on us in terms of, addiction being a moral failure so I think there's a lot of folks who don't come to it naturally in terms of sharing themselves that way. And for other, privacy reasons I fully respect that but for me it just was like. This is my path and it feels really good.

Steve: 7:30

Yeah, because we, I regularly on this podcast compare the whole concept of coming out as an alcoholic or an addict as what we went through when we were coming out with our sexuality. And so I know that we both work from a generation where we were in the closet and like you were assumed to be straight. Until you came out and it was like an announcement that needed me make because no one would just assume it but as I'm hearing, newer stories of people coming out younger in this new generation where it's not so much a coming out process as much as like they just are saying like, this is who I am, but it's not like. An announcement. Do you find there's any sort of pressure? Did you have pressure keeping your sexuality a secret where you had to come out? Or did you ever feel like or have circumstances where you didn't necessarily come out as much as you just announced who you were and it was just people were okay with it?

Danielle: 8:18

Yeah, this doesn't really. Closet. I had longer hair most of growing up, but I don't think I was fooling a whole lot of folks. So I think once I came out I was a friend here and there, starting my sophomore year in college and then my folks. And by the end of my time in college, I was just completely out. And then. Yeah, I think that if I was in any spaces where I felt like it was being assumed, I just cut to the chase and made, whatever way seemed appropriate for the space and the setting made it clear. I would come out in job interviews. I just was like, I have no time or patience and I don't want to work anywhere. I don't want to be in rooms where, I'm not valued. So it's like a two way street. And I think that's, that's part of what keeps holds people back is, it's like the thing of I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but like when I was in high school, I had a girlfriend, we wanted to go to pride. Or a queer bookstore and you're like what if I see someone I know and then you realize wait If I see someone I know They're also gay, so it's same as going into an a meeting You're like, oh if I see someone I know it's they're there as well for the same reasons. And it's a safe space for that reason. So yeah, I just and then You know at this point, I don't really I don't think I really have to come out so much anymore. And part of that is, again, I'm back to what I was saying before about just societal. Assumptions if anything, I think I have to come out more as like a lesbian and as a woman You know, I think I can get smushed into the non binary they them box a lot and i'm like no that's not me, but it's that's a conversation for another day, yeah, I think there's More boxes to check, but then sometimes they're getting limited. So I do put my she her pronouns in zoom squares for work and for meetings because, I think it's important. It's an important reminder that that's part of, Who I am.

Steve: 10:08

Yeah. Yeah. I definitely can agree with that. And I know that part of my drinking as well was And part of my coming out experience like growing up was that the people who Were going to be comfortable with the fact that I was gay got that I was gay right away I didn't hide it very well. I was always called like this special child until I toned it down So the people who like I had to come out to where people who were like actively looking at the signs and looking the other way saying like my parents or like people like that. So it was something though that like I had, I was told basically by them at one point that I like, I had to hide it, that behavior would be unacceptable. So I had to hide this behavior. And so coming out. As gay was an experience, but it was almost easier because so many other people just knew by default. It was different almost when I drank because that was something that I was able to hide. I could never really hide that I was gay. I was always very flamboyant. Everyone pretty much like I was telling people by the time. That I was like a freshman, sophomore in high school, like friends, and I was telling like, like extended family and other friends that, adults and everything like that, all the kind of knew by like my junior year, but it took me until my 30s to even admit to myself that I was an alcoholic let alone anyone else, because I was great at hiding. The fact that I drank a lot normally, like how did your staying in the closet experience for your sexuality compared to your staying in the closet with drinking experience?

Danielle: 11:37

Oh, I was a late bloomer to alcohol. And it didn't manifest into a massive problem until much later in life. So I've been, I'll have five years, God willing, as they say in February. And it was the last couple of years before that, that were really really bad. So I wouldn't say I was. I wouldn't say I was in the closet. Once I realized I had a problem. And once I got to the rooms of AA, I just was out. Like I just, I shouldn't say that there was a small window where I didn't entirely know. And if anyone wants to go back and find my second podcast, which is about sobriety and recovery, I knew I was quitting drinking. And I did identify the first AA meeting I went to which was on Valentine's Day. I just love that part of it was a happenstance, but it's just, it's so beautiful. I identified as an alcoholic the very first meeting I went to. My therapist went with me and she was like, oh, I'm surprised you said that. And I was like, what's the point? If I'm here. I'm here, I'm queer, I'm an alcoholic, welcome. And it just, so I identified as an alcoholic the first meeting, but I still didn't fully know, like what, I knew I was gonna quit drinking. I didn't know all this like I knew there was 12 steps. It's so goofy I'm, like, I know it's a 12 step program, but I didn't realize it was work and all that was ahead of me in terms of that, but That's where the beauty has definitely come in doing all that work. But in terms of being out, I just, I didn't tell people immediately that I was an alcoholic because there is that sort of shame based, I tripped over that word a little bit the first few months, but I did tell people, I think it's important to say for anyone kind of new or struggling, I did have moments, I got sober just before the pandemic hit and like that February, I went to visit my aunt and I told her ahead of time, Hey, I'm, I'm, At that point, I think I was I'm taking a break from drinking, but, to set the stage of I'm, you guys can drink or whatever, but I'm not going to drink it helped me keep myself in check and keep me from drinking. Cause I think if I hadn't said that and I got there and they were having a beer with dinner, I would have been like, oh, cause I was, literally only a couple of weeks. At that point I wasn't, I had identified as an alcoholic at a meeting, but I wasn't like fully like. Knowing exactly where I was, but that really helped to just get ahead of that. So I would say if you're new and struggling and you get invited to a function or you're going to go hang out with family, or you're going to be doing anything where they're usually you would have drank, I think it's great. If you can tell at least one, you don't have to tell them they're alcoholic. You don't have to tell me you're getting sober, but just Hey, I'm just taking a break. I'm probably not going to drink that helps you keep yourself honest with yourself. And that's really the key to the whole thing is that self honesty piece.

Steve: 14:13

Yeah, I definitely agree. Oftentimes, especially early on, I was so worried with what other people would think about my drinking that I was always mystified when they Didn't really give too much thought to it whatsoever. And I would make this whole big I'm coming to your party, but I hope that, like I won't be drinking. They're like, okay, good. Because like when you would come and you would be drinking, there goes a whole bottle of like liquor. So that's awesome. I'm glad that you're not drinking.

Danielle: 14:38

Saves us all a lot.

Steve: 14:39

Exactly. They're like, And the fact that you're not drinking, everyone's gonna be happier with the fact that you don't just get messy and then do an Irish goodbye halfway through the event. So like everyone was like very supportive of my family. Like even before I wanted to make it public that I was doing this podcast and interviewing people and documenting it. And before I was out doing all this, I wanted to, that was more of like a fear that I wasn't going to make it or that I would like stumble and not make it to the 90 days before I wanted to like, publicly make it, but I did know that I need to make sure like my support system knew what I was going through. I was one of those like that would drink through the day at work. So I made sure like my direct supervisor knew what was going on with me. And she really helped me through it and help cover my ass like that first week while I was going through some DTs and stuff like that. But like the people that needed to know new, and then I did in time. Come out. But I like one thing like whenever I would come out to people as gay, no one was really surprised when people I did have people that were very surprised that I had been struggling mostly because they're known for me, like acting so loud out on social media that they're like, Oh, we didn't think that you had any secrets because you're so loud. So the fact that you were also like struggling in silence going through all of that surprised a lot of people. They knew I drank a lot, they just didn't know how much or that it was. Did you have that experience or what was that like as you were coming out?

Danielle: 16:01

Yeah, I think for me, it definitely surprised a lot of people because I was not a daily drinker. I was not always intoxicated. I could go out with friends and have the same two to three drinks they had. It was the mental gymnastics of the drinking. It was all the stuff that it was doing to my mind. And I was keeping all of that very private. At the end it wasn't the amount of alcohol or the frequency, I was not a day drinker. None of that. But I was mentally checked out to the point of really suicidal in my own head. My closest friends, were very sad to hear how bad it was mentally after the fact. I think that was really hard for them to be they had no idea. And that's on me because I was not sharing that. And that's part of the disease. So if you're in that struggle, like that, that checks out. I think a lot of people were surprised I even had one coworker say how do you know it was the alcohol and a few other people even in program and I'm like, at the end of the day, I don't care.

Steve: 17:00

I'm

Danielle: 17:00

not going to sit here and split hairs because what I do know is my life is 1 million times better.

Steve: 17:07

Yeah.

Danielle: 17:07

And, I know my own experience. I know I was completely unhappy, detached from myself, detached from the people that I love and care about. And. I know that alcohol technically quite a terrible drug with one of the highest addiction rates of, yes, it's the legal one. Cannabis is getting there, but it's not great for you. So I'm not going to sit here and go back and try it out it's not worth it. There's nothing about it that's worth it. Yeah, I just forge ahead with this this feels good. This feels where I'm supposed to be.

Steve: 17:37

Yeah. And after I came out and told everyone in my life that I was sober and people helped me get through those first couple of years, I nowadays have found that it's almost flipped where. Even though I can recover out loud, a lot of times people who know me professionally, especially will get to before I had sober in my business name, at least, but I had people who knew me for a while where they like realized that I was sober, but they had never seen me drink like ever. And they don't know that version of me where, when they hear A story or hear me tell something in my podcast or a clip of me doing something outlandish from back in the day. They're like, there's almost like that kind of reverse surprise of that they never knew that version of me. Do you have any sort of difference between people who find out that you're sober, that never knew that side of you versus people who did know you back then?

Danielle: 18:23

That's a good question. I think obviously like I have a nice crew of friends from aa. But again, like I don't. They said the elevator goes all the way to the bottom, it goes as far down as you want to take it. And I think I'm really grateful that I had some, I've definitely had some drunken excursions, but I don't think I have anything so outlandish that it, it's not anything that people who I think can casually recreationally still drink have done. I hear some things in meetings that I'm like, oh my goodness, I'm glad I got off the merry go round when I did because, that those are all the things like that didn't happen yet.

Steve: 18:58

Yeah, I definitely had a lot of yes, but I also know that my elevator, like never went up a floor ever. It was only going down.

Danielle: 19:05

It was a one way ticket for sure.

Steve: 19:06

It was skipping more floors with each timeout. So it was just, yeah, I'm glad that has stopped where it is. So I also know especially as people are beginning and they're very worried what other people will think, we always have these kind of fantasies in our head of what if this person finds out and reacts that way? I know that most like 99 percent of those were all in my head at the end of the day. But have you had any experiences where someone gave you like a line of questioning that made either you feel uncomfortable or was maybe them getting uncomfortable with you're not drinking?

Danielle: 19:39

I think one friend who has dropped off because they don't want to be around somebody who's sober and, there's some other like weird, this person's connected to this person, this, blah, blah, blah. But I think at the end of the day, they just, and it's somebody who, Thanks a lot, and I wish them well and I hope they're doing okay. But we never had a full honest conversation about it. Because it fell off for a whole host of reasons, but I think there was definitely an element of, I think the people that are also maybe struggling or don't want to think if they're struggling are the ones who are most uncomfortable with being around sober people. But for the rest of the folks I have a core group of mom friends that we've been going out on mom's night out since the kids were in diapers and the kids are now driving cars and in college. And, I was at one of their houses yesterday, all four of us were there, they're having an Oktoberfest party. And I'm like, I'm there. I brought my dog like I'm hanging out and you know what you realize and you said this like you think you're so worried about what everyone else is thinking and then you realize. No one's thinking about you to be a jerk, but actually no one cares because if they have a beer in their hand, they don't care if there's a beer in your hand or not, or a seltzer. Like they're really not concerned. I think younger, maybe college age kids, there's an element I didn't I shared this in my first podcast. I didn't drink at all my freshman year in college because of my mom's addiction and, issues. And there was definitely some at that point come on, aren't you having fun? How can you possibly be having fun? And now I'm like full circle back to actually, this is the best

Steve: 21:13

I can

Danielle: 21:14

have fun. I know I can have fun. I can be goofy. I'm goofier than ever. I can, I can dance. I can do all of the things that I thought I needed alcohol to do. And then I also feel great the next day. Yeah, I don't have to worry about what I did who I said what to who I tried to make out with Not to do any of that

Steve: 21:33

Yeah, I loved this past friday night. I went out with a friend. It's a leather night at a bar and that they You can drink like a normal person. So like they had like their one or two drinks the night that we were out. But even then the next morning at kickball, they're like, I feel so sick. And I was like, I'm ready to go. Let's dance. Let's kick balls. Yeah. Awesome. Because like you don't have to worry about that. Even like the one or two, which never existed for me ever before. It was always. A lot more than that, but I would not have been able to play kickball the next morning ever. So I love that, we have this full, awesome life now, day and night. Yes. And one last thing I wanted to touch on, because oftentimes like I found, I feel like for both, we can relate to like our sexuality. We're very open about our like drinking and sobriety where we're very open about now. So would you say that you're like a very open person in general?

Danielle: 22:21

I think sobriety and recovery has even helped that because life is short and precious I keep saying to people lately, we get one little ride on this little marble and, what is the point if we're not going to be open vulnerable and sharing as human beings, this is what we're here for connection. I just feel so much more connected to people. When I can share myself with them and be vulnerable the more I'm vulnerable and open, it invites in not just about being gay and not just about recovery, but in general although I will say part of it is social media is terrible for this. People think everyone's having a grand old time. So I share when I'm maybe not having a grand old time. The beauty of going to 12 step meetings is you just feel less alone. The more you connect, the more you put out your hand, you get so much more back. But if you shrivel up and that's what we do when we're drinking and we're ashamed and we're hiding. You shrivel up and no one can get in. No one can connect with you. I'm just trying to shed the masks, shed the layers I'm about to be 50 in November, so I'm going out.

Steve: 23:18

Excellent. You are living proof that sober is sexy and fierce. So much for. Always being one of my biggest sober heroes and coming back on the show. Thanks. And people watching on the clips can see you're at DC underscore and underscore Rosie. I'll make sure I put that in the show notes as well. So y'all can follow Danielle on Instagram there. It's a closed

Danielle: 23:44

account, but anyone that also follows you, I will accept.

Steve: 23:48

Sounds good. Excellent.

Danielle: 23:49

Friends of friends. Thank

Steve: 23:51

you very much, Danielle. It's been a pleasure as always. Always. And stay tuned listeners for And listeners, make sure you follow us wherever you're listening so you can get new episodes every Thursday. And until then, stay sober.