Stay Connected, Stay Sober ft. Richard D

In this episode of Gay A: The Queer Sober Hero Show, host Sober Steve welcomes Richard Dean, a fellow sober friend, to share his inspiring journey through addiction, recovery, and the exploration of codependence. Richard opens up about the challenges he faced in early sobriety, the lessons he learned from relapse, and the powerful transformation he experienced through programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Codependents Anonymous. Together, they discuss the unique aspects of queer sobriety, the importance of finding balance in relationships, and the pivotal role of fellowship in maintaining sobriety.

Topics Covered:

• Richard’s journey from addiction to recovery, including relapses and the turning points that inspired lasting change.
• Navigating queer identity in sobriety and the importance of community connection.
• The impact of codependency in relationships and how Codependents Anonymous helped Richard find balance.
• Staying close to program practices, the role of daily routines, and how meditation, prayer, and fellowship play into Richard’s recovery.
• Richard’s advice on staying connected and finding joy in the present, along with embracing authenticity and freedom in life.

What's Next? Hear the full episode to dive into Richard’s story and gain valuable insights into navigating recovery and codependence as part of the queer sober community. Make sure to follow Gay A on your favorite podcast platform to catch new episodes every Thursday!

Follow Richard Dean: Instagram: @richarddean326

Transcript

Steve: 0:04

Hey there, everyone. Welcome to Gay A, the Queer Sober Hero Show. I'm your host, Sober Steve, the podcast guy, here today with 1, 251 Days of Sobriety, and here with one of my sober IRL friends in real life, Richard. Hi, Richard.

Richard: 0:19

Hi.

Steve: 0:21

Welcome to the show.

Richard: 0:23

This is pretty.

Steve: 0:25

Yeah. So for people who don't have the pleasure of already knowing you, why don't you introduce yourself the way that us good old alcoholics generally do?

Richard: 0:33

Oh my gosh, my name is Richard Dean, and I am an alcoholic and a codependent.

Steve: 0:40

Excellent welcome to the show, and how long have you been working a program of sorts?

Richard: 0:46

Wow. So sobriety date is July 4th, 2022. However, I've been in and out since 2007.

Steve: 0:56

Excellent. We'll get more into that in a moment, but I like to start off nice and light. Why don't you share your favorite part of being sober today?

Richard: 1:05

Oh my gosh. Wow. I guess I just, I'm going to have to say it's afforded me an amazing life and my career has skyrocketed. And I don't know, a life that I've never dreamed possible. So things are great. Yeah,

Steve: 1:23

excellent. I can't imagine going back at this point because Sabrina's been very kind to me. And especially in sobriety, what would you say is your favorite part of being a member of the queer community or gay community today?

Richard: 1:35

I like to think that I'm pretty tuned in to the community I get out there for, All the events don't spend many times and nights in bars anymore. But I love just being out there and, tied to our people, living a life that's out free, gay, and happy. Excellent.

Steve: 1:56

Yes. I voted

Richard: 1:57

today. I voted today. So that was big.

Steve: 2:00

Excellent. With podcasting magic. Today is the day that everyone's voting. I did it earlier by mail, so people don't come at me. I just don't get into politics generally. Awesome. I'm glad everyone is voting who's needing to vote because we need the votes, especially people who probably like my podcast generally will vote the same way I would imagine. So why don't we jump into then the thick of it. Tell me a little bit about what your journey to get here today was like.

Richard: 2:24

Oh it was rough. Born and raised in Manchester, New Hampshire. So I'm from the Northeast. I used to be what's known as a mass whole moved down here when I was like 16. By the time I got down here, I was already struggling with coming out, my sexuality drugs, alcohol chaos, all got introduced when I was 16. Hit the clubs very early in life, had a fake ID, doing that lifestyle. And that went on pretty much solid for 10 years. 10 years of chaos. I don't know really where to start. 2007 I ended up checking myself into rehab after struggling for a long time. I had no more friends, no more family. I was actually 18. Junkie. What I classified as a junkie. I was living behind a Barnes and Noble, sleeping next to a dumpster when I was 24 years old. Came in just desperately needing some help. Went to rehab 30 days, transitioned to a halfway house, worked the program really aggressively, stayed sober for four years. And what happens after that when everything is good and life is getting better. I stopped going to meetings. I was good. I didn't need program. I didn't need help. I was good. And eventually what happened? I ordered that famous margarita, the margarita that kind of just took me right back out to the same chaos. Yeah, that went on for another three, four years and back and forth, tried to get sober. Geographical changes, right? Philadelphia, Vegas, Orlando, Atlanta, Naples, Fort Myers. It just, I was bouncing all over the place. For years. And I was doing what my parents had taught me best. And I come from a family of heavy drug addicts and I learned all those things that you do, using my body to get myself out there for sex and money and for a place to stay. And it was just it was rough. It was really rough for a long time. Sometime in 2012 I was working for the company I'm with now. I had gotten a job for a local agency down in Naples. And the gentleman that I had worked for, I was honest at the time. I was just getting back into the program. I was being honest with him about my recovery and how I had relapsed and so forth. And he brought me on entry level and I was working there driving 45 minutes every day to work. And it was really crazy. One Friday I was on my way home. And my car blew up on the highway. And had only had three or four months sober at that point after my relapsing that first time. And I went home, I cried, I went to AA meetings. I was calling everybody. I was just like, Oh my God, I can't keep this job. And they were like, just stay close to the program. And pray to God and all this. And that Sunday I sent an email to my employer and I said, Listen, I've decided that I'm going to have to give you my notice. This happened, my car and the very next day, this employer reaches out to me and he said, I would really like it if you'd come down and pick up your last paycheck. And is there any way you can get down here? And the drive was 45 minutes to an hour with Fort Myers Naples traffic. It was horrible. And I made my way down there and I showed up and I walked in and I said, listen, I'm really sorry. And he handed me the keys to a brand new car. And it was crazy. And I was like, I was instantly in tears. I was like, why are you doing this? And he was just like, just in the amount of work and what I've seen in just a short time with you, I think that you're worth it. I am going to ask you for a commitment and so forth. And at that point I realized that The universe was like lining up for me, like the universe was telling me it's okay. You're going to get through this and you're going to flourish from this. And I still tell that story all the time because I'll always remember him. Unfortunately, that employer and I, we haven't spoken in many years. I've continued on since then, but that was like a turning point in my recovery. And that's really where I started to focus on the program. Things at that point, just continued on career got better, life got better. I was boyfriends, arguments, Like the behavior patterns never changed, right? And so I continued on and eventually, as you recall we all remember pulse 2016 and I had some friends who were tied into that. And it reconnected me with an old friend from there who was working at pulse. And we started a very codependent relationship. It was long distance back and forth. And after a year of going back and forth, he finally said to me, Hey, I would like you to move up to Orlando. So I said, I can't really do that. I have this whole career here and everything was really flourishing down, and, and so I decided to take a chance. I rented my home that I had only been in for a year and a half, and I moved off to Orlando and I moved in with him and within 60 days. Thanks. What do you think happened? We ended up parting ways and it just, it was the same chaos that was happening, when I was using in, in all that, I have a problem with people, places and things. I, at that point I felt defeated. I was still drinking. I was still using at that point. I had relapsed the second time, sometime in those few years. And I said where am I going to go? And I was looking at the whole coast and I decided that I was going to root myself in Sarasota. And crazy as that is, that was 2017. I started by acquiring an apartment in Sarasota. I was still working for the same person in Fort Myers. I was literally traveling back and forth every Monday, coming home on Thursdays and Fridays. And I started it all over again in Sarasota. But when I got to Sarasota, I knew I had to get sober. And I walked into some rooms and I met some guys. local community. And it w people took me in. I told the same, s again. I went o to meet people. I met my because yes, as living all those character defects out, still arguing and raging and controlling and manipulating and all this stuff. And eventually that marriage fell apart and it took me out for four days in 2022, which was my last relapse. And Those four days were pretty rough. I ended up am I allowed to say this? Am I allowed to say that I went out on four eight balls pretty much trying to kill myself at that point? So yeah, that is what happened. I was in a hotel room with four eight balls by myself, just ready to end all. And It was rough. It was rough. But I knew the people in the program and I knew I had to do something and I had built this amazing career for myself. I started my company in 2019. Six months before COVID, it was really scary because COVID happened and then we had to transition to remote. And I, now everybody's comfortable with it and we are too. But I had invested every dime of my money into this company and I was like, oh my gosh, I totally understand why my marriage failed. I was living in fear every day of losing financial insecurity. I was lashing out, I was taking it out on this victim, right? This hostage that I had taken through the five years of my marriage. And I ended up reaching out to a friend. I got back to the rooms july 4th of 22. I just cleared it away. And I was introduced to Codependence Anonymous at that point. And I don't know if there's something very different between the two, but CODA really helped me understand more about myself and my behavior patterns and where I had learned them. And I don't know the step work was very different. The approach to looking at yourself was different, and I feel like that was eye opening and boundaries. I learned boundaries at that point. I learned that I was okay living alone, being alone. I've been living alone for two years since my divorce. I'm dipping my toe in the water dating these days, but I am living alone. I'm not jumping into anything. But it taught me a lot about myself and I worked those 12 steps and I stayed close to a. And Coda. And now is a blessing. I have clarity in my life and I have sponsees. I have four sponsees now and I have a fellowship and I'm getting choked up and this is the part that makes me tear up is realized how much how many blessings that I had in my life until I got into the program this last time. I feel like I really needed to experience that relapse. It brought clarity and I have a relationship with my family now up in the northeast Manchester. My cousins and I are much closer today. I've met you through this program. And recently moved over the bridge to St. Pete and I gotta say I feel like I found my people my area and a lot of people have been including you. A lot of people have made comments about, things that have changed in me this past year. Just I feel like I'm healthier, I'm happier. I'm able to be myself. I still have my amazing business in Sarasota. I have my staff over there. I have my community there. I'm still involved in kickball and other organizations over there. But Being here in St. Pete is different, like no judgment, no fear, and

Steve: 12:36

Come on over!

Richard: 12:44

I'm walking distance. So it's been amazing. So by the way, do you, Oh, wait, do you like my big cock? Can you tell everybody sees my big cock here, right? Yeah. So I'm

Steve: 13:00

sure.

Richard: 13:01

Yes, that's right. But it's really been amazing. Not really much more. I can say, I'm happy and healthy and joyous and free.

Steve: 13:10

Yeah thank you so much, especially sharing your stories of Relapse. This is my first go around, thankfully, because people like you share. That it's not any better out there. And when I think about alcohol, like I think of it very much kind of the way you talked about with those eight balls is I don't think about alcohol. Oh, I would go out and have a drink to have fun. If I think about drinking again, it's I'm going to have the five bottles next to me and I'm going to drink them all until I go into a coma and that will be how I die, like literally, but that's where it is, at least for me is like to drink. I know is to die because I wouldn't have anything that I have today. If I started drinking again, it would all just go away.

Richard: 13:42

Are you a one chip wonder good for you. That's awesome.

Steve: 13:45

I started this podcast And it's all of you like sharing that help with that. So thank you And with that like I know that you have all these blessings and you get choked up over how awesome they are But i'm sure that in sobriety even this go around life's throwing you some shit balls Like how do you get through the hard times and stay sober?

Richard: 14:03

I, it's all about fellowship, right? I didn't say it, but as I'm in the field of insurance. And as we've had a pretty rough hurricane season. So everybody's ah, Florida, right? But this past few months have just really been heartbreaking for all these families that were affected and so forth. But I stay close to the program. Every morning I do a seven a. m. A. meeting on zoom. Love Zoom for that. I have a community all over the country that goes to that. I have CODA in the evening, several days a week on Zoom. I have in person meetings during the week with my AA fellowship here, but I stay very much engaged and I pick up the phone. I call people. I never liked calling people, but I stay connected. And I'm honest. And lately, I gotta tell you, I've been acting out on some character defects. I've had a lot of change happening in my life. Steve, I gotta be honest with you here. I've had some character defects that have been rearing their heads and I'm like, no, I don't want to be that person. I don't like being that person and i've had to say them out loud. So i've been dipping my toe in the dating pool. And as today It's like you have to be honest with people And if i'm not feeling it, I gotta tell you right I don't want to string you along and hurt you down the road. So those are little things that I'm seeing like pop up. It's been eye opening. That's all I'll say.

Steve: 15:32

Yeah. I can definitely see that being tricky. I know like even for me, in my experience It's interesting in sobriety having to have certain standards that you hold yourself to and realizing that sometimes the kindest thing you can do is be clear and give someone some information that they don't necessarily want to hear. But that can be kindness in its own way. So I definitely can understand that. And I also am interested because I can see how with alcohol drugs, it's very clear when you have a relapse, but I can imagine with something codependent relationships, it can be a little bit grayer as to when it's maybe dipping into old character defects versus having a full on emotional relapse or something. How do you navigate or balance that?

Richard: 16:12

In the beginning in CODA, the cool thing is we got like, All the characters, patterns and characteristics of a codependent. And it's funny. I check marked every box, right? I was like, that's me. That's me. That's me. But I think just being very aware today of those things. Yeah. Can things come about and happen? Yes. Maybe I didn't want to say yes to that person. Maybe I should have said no to that person. I recently started seeing somebody like a month ago when it was going really well, there wasn't any chemistry, but I enjoyed the validation and the communication I was having with that person. So what did I do? I dragged it along a little while longer, and then when it came down to it, he was like, hey, is this going anywhere? And I'm like, no, it's not. I should have been honest from the get go. Just being aware, holding yourself accountable and, talking to other as I have codependency and alcoholics, right? Yeah,

Steve: 17:12

I definitely community is key and helps so much with everything that you can go through with that and everything else. It seems I know that it's also like easy to not reach out to community when things start bothering you. So having all those meetings helps. What else keeps you sober today?

Richard: 17:30

What else keeps me sober today? I'm big on prayer. It's like my thing. I have a problem talking about it because I was raised Catholic and the judgment that came with that. But I'm big on prayer. I spend about 20 minutes in the morning reading several dailies and then I spend some time meditating. I enjoy my solitude today. Got some really rough news with the company today I took an hour rather than take a lunch, grabbed a bite to eat and I went and sat in the dark and I just centered myself and I also wanted to make sure I was centered for this was a little anxious to get on here with you, but staying close to my higher power, which is the universe. I feel like there's like source energy out there that kind of just. If it feels right, you just move with it, right?

Steve: 18:16

Yeah, it's definitely easy to know that and then when you feel it pulling you and sometimes you're like, no, I want to stay where I am. It's comfortable. I don't like being uncomfortable, but normally in sobriety, like I've learned, like the more uncomfortable I am, the generally the better it gets. So with that, with prayers and also we have in our programs, all these sayings and things to remember that help us get through tough times. Do you have a favorite saying or phrase or prayer?

Richard: 18:41

When adversity presents itself, there's opportunity around the corner. That is something that I have been saying over and over again the past few months. When adversity presents itself, there's opportunity around the corner.

Steve: 18:58

That sounds great. And what does that mean to you? Tell me more.

Richard: 19:01

Oh my gosh no. When there's trouble in paradise, I need to, rather than saying, why is this happening to me? I need to say, what can I learn from this? And I got to tell you, Steve, there's been a lot of trouble in paradise lately in my world. My home, I've had some issues with things here with the developer with the insurance market with claims and all the stuff going on. And I have to take a step back and say, okay, this is a learning opportunity for me. I really need to take a step back and focus on that. What can I learn?

Steve: 19:36

I think that's definitely great advice. After the storm, I had mental health garbage for a week of not feeling great, but even coming back to it, having to realize that everything was okay now mostly, or that I could have good days and not still be sad because I had a couple rough days, but to see when the pain or like, when the hurt is stopping and not holding on to it, and realize I'm like, no, today was a good day. It was negative in my head, and my head wasn't the best today, but the things that happened to me in a day have been great. getting better and just trying to remember that my head and my like days are different. I just have to be present in the moment and not fix it on what's already happened or what might happen next.

Richard: 20:11

Fear of future. That's I get that a lot. I have to take a step back. Stay in the now, right?

Steve: 20:17

Yeah, and you also in another form talked about how you admire my authenticity, your ability to be forward about things. Tell me more about what you mean by that.

Richard: 20:29

Oh my gosh, Steve, I love it. I'm so glad you're bringing this up because I have listened to your podcast and I've thought to myself, Whoa, that's taboo. I can't believe he's actually saying that on his podcast. I think it's wonderful. It's not even one thing. I think it's your topics. Some of the stuff that you talk, whether it be about, sex, those are things that I have never really felt comfortable talking about. openly with people. And it's funny recently. I was floating down Rainbow Springs with a bunch of, a gaggle of gays. And I was like, you know what? I have never felt so sexually free. As I do today. And there's always been this shame or this guilt, or there's something tied to it. And now I just feel like I'm moving into my, you're going to laugh, my daddy era. I'm in my forties and people are like, Richard, like you look better now than

Steve: 21:30

Yeah, we're either kiddo or we're daddy depending on who we're talking to on the apps.

Richard: 21:34

I'm not 20 anymore. And I'm certainly not in that uncomfortable 30s, but like I'm at a place where I feel really comfortable in my skin. I feel comfortable taking my clothes off. I feel comfortable, experiencing things with people. And you say it all out there and you put it out there on your podcast. And I think that is so brave and so brilliant. And I just got to say I give you props for that. It's very admirable. And I don't know if anybody's actually said that to you, but from someone like me and by the way, I do also want to point out that I think you look amazing. I've seen what you've been doing with your weight loss journey and your fitness. And you're killing it. Keep it up.

Steve: 22:16

Funny that you say that because the podcast helped me with all of this, because it's basically like practicing. Like in my studio, but like when we met was like right around the time where I like started leaving my studio and actually going out and just not just saying it behind a microphone but putting my Things that I was talking about into action, so to speak. And with that you seeing me at Florida Roundup, saw me on one of my first big freedom weekends, where I was, like, out there doing the thing on my own, and I had never done anything like that before, ever. So it's interesting you're seeing me And I was like, brand new, but I guess I had the confidence where it didn't seem brand new. So I guess it's a similar thing where I've been struggling the past couple weeks, personally, but I'm very big on everyone that I've talked to has been like, but you seem good online, and it's just I guess online and how you present yourself online is sometimes very different than how you are on the inside, but I saw that out there, it looks like I'm living the dream and feeling great and feeling confident. Sometimes I feel like I just fake it till I make it, but at least I'm still doing it.

Richard: 23:09

I do remember the first day I saw you at Crunch. I was working out and I saw you and you were wearing this bright, colorful shirt and I was just like, wow, he is okay in his skin. And I thought to myself, I would never be able to wear something so bright at the gym. Look at me. I'm very monochromatic, whatever the term is. But yeah, I've seen what you've done in such a short time. I think it's about a year since we met. But yeah, I think it's amazing. I think it's amazing what you've done here and in service in general. This is a huge form of service for our community. And thank you for that. We need this.

Steve: 23:49

Thank you. And any last bits of advice, tips and tricks for staying sober, or living the best life possible?

Richard: 23:57

Stay close to the program. Stay engaged. Pick up the phone. Call me. Call another alcoholic. That's all I can say. So thank you.

Steve: 24:08

If someone heard you and resonated with you and wants to connect, what would be the best way to do that? Either an email or an Instagram handle, something like that?

Richard: 24:16

Yeah, absolutely. I'm on IG. I'm richarddean326.

Steve: 24:20

Excellent. I'll link over to that for the show notes for everyone. And thank you so much, Richard. It's been a pleasure.

Richard: 24:25

Thank you.

Steve: 24:26

And thank you listeners for tuning in to another episode of Gay A. Make sure you're following wherever you're listening right now so you can get these new episodes when they drop every Thursday morning. And until next time, stay sober.