Steve on RealClearFetish! Talks RealClearPlay!

Check out my guest appearance on RealClearTalk this week, and check out the show wherever you find this podcast!!

Show notes from the episode:

Steve B has been sober since May 28th, 2021, and is the host of gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show. 
Having isolating during his drinking, he has only begun embracing his interests in leather, fetish, and kink in sobriety- something he believes is necessary for him in order to live a full, happy, and sober life. 
He is forever grateful for his sober family, his podcasting community, and kinksters like you!
#RealClearFetishTalksRealClearPlay
Music: Valence - Infinite [NCS Release]
Instagram: @gayapodcast
Instagram: @juststevesrq
All podcast platforms: 
gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show
#RealClearFetishTalksRealClearPlay
Music: Valence - Infinite [NCS Release]
Recorded on 17th October 2024 on Zoom, see original video on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/Q0aY-8QvW6U
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Transcript

0:01

Hey, there are super sober heroes and welcome to gay. A it's your host server, Steve, the podcast guy here with 1,268 days of continuous sobriety. And I am so grateful for the recent guest appearance that I had on the real clear fetish. Podcasts and YouTube show real clear talks. It was an amazing experience. I did the recording a about a month ago and it is in the podcasting magic of timing coming out this weekend on the 16th of November. So Ralph was nice enough to give me the audio so that I can also share with all of you. It was an amazing interview. It was longer than my general episodes, and he dug deep and asked a lot of questions about things that I haven't gone over. And quite some time and I've did it through a different angle and a different lens. It was an amazing episode. I was so grateful to be on it and he has tons of other amazing content, just like me. He's been doing his show for quite some time. And so if you loved this episode, which I think you will, because he's interviewing me and you listened to the show and I show up to it quite regularly. So it's getting to know me in a different way, but it's also getting to know him and his amazing show and the what he's doing over there. So if this is an episode that strikes your fancy, make sure that the next step for you is to go and click on over to his show, which will be in the show notes so that you can follow it. There's already seven seasons of content and more great content on the way. So definitely worth checking out and enjoy the content.

Ralf: 1:45

Hi and welcome to Real Clear Fetish Talks Real Clear Play, a podcast that deals with kink, sober life and everything in between. This is the start of season eight. I'm very excited. I am now 40 years old, but when this comes out, it's like a month into that. So yes, a new decade for me. So that's fantastic. This time we're going to the States to talk to Steve. Hi, Steve. Hello there, Ralph. Thank you for having me. Of course. It's not a problem. How are we doing? I'm doing great. You're not in an area with a

Steve: 2:20

hurricane, are you? This time last week I was, yes. I was in Sarasota, so I was impacted where I did lose power. Our airport's down because the terminal roof fell. So we are recovering, but this has been the first couple of days where I'm almost back to a routine, back into doing podcast interviews and podcasting on my own and stuff like that. So it's good to get back to real life.

Ralf: 2:44

Oh, yeah. Us watching it over here. It's scary stuff.

Steve: 2:47

Yeah.

Ralf: 2:47

Where we have it's a storm if a wheelie bin falls over, let alone a whole roof of an airport. Like with every episode I do four standard questions at the start, and then we'll just see where the conversation goes. What do you prefer I call you? Names, pronouns, and title.

Steve: 3:03

My name is Steve and then I, with my podcast, go by Sober Steve, and then my pronouns are he, him, and don't have an official title. I, depending on the person I'm with, I'm in that age where if the guy's younger, they're calling me daddy, and if I'm younger, I'm calling them daddy, so it'll end like I'm boy at that point. So it really just depends on the person, the dynamics. depending on who

Ralf: 3:27

stands in front of you. Yes. Exactly. I recognize that one very much for myself. Tell me a little bit about

Steve: 3:33

yourself. I got sober during the pandemic, so I had been drinking was my drug of choice. Once I started drinking, Anything else sounds great and good fun to me, but that was what really destroyed my life. Growing up though, I was a pretty late bloomer. I always loved rules, like I was a big rule follower. So I didn't drink because it was wrong and bad and that's what grown ups did. So I was like so excited to when I got old enough to drink. I remember being fascinated about What that age would be because it seemed to be different for different people But I remember at a sleepover party like trying alcohol in like fourth or fifth grade and thinking it tasted bad So therefore it must be because i'm too young and it'll taste better in a couple years when i'm old enough It'll just magically taste better having like bathtub gin from your grandmother's basement Like I didn't understand like the whole concept of it So it's just but like I wasn't fascinated enough to where I was going to break the rules because I knew it was wrong And I shouldn't be doing it. So I stayed away from it You until after prom in high school, and these people feeling othered and bullied for being a very flamboyant kid, my entire school career, basically, I was then all of a sudden, the life of the party, where everyone was telling me, like, how And how silly it was. And where was this Steve the whole time? And we love this Steve. And when can we see, when can we hang out again? And all of a sudden I was right at the end of saying goodbye to all these people forever who made my life hell for four years. I was finally accepted. But it also I clung to that side of the night for the longest time, but it was only in my sorority and doing step work and things like that, where I forgot that the second half of that night was, like, the guy I was with, like, when we were hooking up I got messy and sloppy and then downright cruel to him and blacked out. I was blacked out at that point, but, there were amends to be made from my first blackout night drinking, and I still woke up the next morning I can't wait to do that again. And from then on, it didn't matter what the rules were about drinking I knew I needed to drink as much as I could, and I was able to still control it over rules that I set up around times and places for as long as I could, but COVID really was I think a lot of us that had control, lost control, because all these rules about you can't drink at the office the office is your home now, but you can drink at home, And, they don't notice if you're, what's in your coffee cup in the morning, as long as you're still showing up to work and doing your job. All of a sudden, like, all these safe cards that I had in place started falling apart at the same time as as I was drinking more, and the strain that it did on my marriage, because, At the time my husband and I were monogamous, but the first thing I would forget in my blackout was, like, the monogamy part of our marriage, and so I'd blackout and cheat on him, and it could only happen so many times before he was like, Something's gotta stop, and I at that point, that would finally admitted he had known that I had been drinking enough because he was married to me, but I always was also very it was because I was on an empty stomach, or I was, like, I would hide how much. So sometimes he was also just mystified as to how I was so drunk, because he would have no idea how much I had been secret drinking in addition to the public drinking. He knew things weren't adding up, but it was the first time, like, where I was, like, I have a problem. So I tried and started going to different 12 step meetings until I found one that worked, And that kind of helps. teach me that during that first like year how to be like a normal person again. But I also knew real quickly that wasn't the only answer for me. I had already been podcasting with my husband about movies and tv shows and no one listened and we did everything wrong about podcasting possible. But it was like it was great for us and brought us together with something fun to do. And then it gave me the tools to that like when I got sober and I was trying to binge all these sober gay podcasts or searching sober queer sober this and couldn't find much at the time like three years ago three and a half years ago I was like I know how to make one so I started my podcast gay a and that was my chance to connect with other people that might not necessarily including some 12 step people that's where especially I found a lot of my first guests but then meeting people online from other steps Like other fellowship programs besides mine, which was based around alcohol, but also people who got sober using other programs or other ways or. Woke up and just stopped somehow. I don't know. It blows my mind because I need like sets of like again like rules like I need do this do this as long as I can follow my prescription of like how to function like I've learned what that is over the past three and a half years of what I need to like be at my best self but like I just love also hearing other perspectives so I say that's helped keep me sober just as much as anything else.

Ralf: 8:07

You've already answered the question, but I'll ask it anyway. Completely sober, clear headed, or a social drinker?

Steve: 8:13

Completely sober, yes.

Ralf: 8:16

And you, you mentioned earlier that with drinking, you would go on to the next bit, and that would just sound fun. So Yes. I See, I wasn't an alcoholic, but I was also very much oh, I'll do this now. So it's a little bit reverse to what our situations are, but similar. Yeah,

Steve: 8:36

I joke because I learned like in recovering doing different roundups and sober experiences and even kinky experiences where there's a sober people that like my people generally or CMA people like their meth heads like I that's the people that I vibe with but the first time in college when I was exposed to that drug it was a very like upsetting traumatic experience where I was exposed to without knowing it was in my system and then It was just it freaked me out enough to scare me and like it takes a lot to scare me away from something but that was enough where I like after talking with so many other people like thank god it wasn't with a hot guy or a hot group of guys with a positive experience because I would have been like Off to the races and like gimme more because that's what it was like with everything else So it's like the moment I started smoking weed It was like i'll smoke all the weed I can get if it was gimme cocaine Everyone had to hide their cocaine from me in college They learned real quickly because my solution was to do all of it like You That's how it was with everything, but luckily in my experience the meth scared me enough away where that wasn't the same thing for me.

Ralf: 9:33

Oh god, I wish meth had scared me away, but no, it did not. Last question, what is clearplay to you and why is it important?

Steve: 9:42

Clearplay to me not only is being, like, sober in the sex that you're having, but for me especially having Developed more like my kinky side and tapping into it in my sobriety It's also the communication like clear communication because I oftentimes would use sex to disassociate and to shut down and detach from the real world and so here I've learned in my sobriety and exploring my kinks how much I love like being connected to the person that I'm with and Just like having that energy exchange like amplifying our energies together You Rather than it be like one of us just taking all the energy from the other. There's a time and a place for that as well. But like in general, I love it when we can amplify each other's experiences by being so connected where I'm able to, I had so much shame around the type of sex that I wanted to have where I wasn't even able to physically have it for so many years. But like now that I love that not only can I be having the sex, but I'm also not going to be ashamed of the sex that I'm having. I'll talk about the sex with anyone who wants to listen to me talk about it. Because I just, I feel like it's something that. So many of us want to do or are doing but are afraid to talk about that if people who are already loud by nature Like me and you like who want to like do podcasts or shows about it Like have people just to get loud and it makes someone who might be afraid or ashamed of it feel less shame I

Ralf: 11:02

think one of the things for me, at least, I'm always been quite sex positive and I think it's to do with my upbringing. Sex was never taboo in my house. My mom would rather have us come and ask things than being ashamed of it. And so I'm sure some people would think me and my mom's relationship is a bit relaxed but She knows about the levers, she's seen my dog cage it's not a big deal and that makes it a lot easier to explore and so on. Lockdown, and then you say it started falling apart. Up until that then, and up until that point, and it's actually something we probably haven't dived into in the last episode, so you would call yourself a functioning alcoholic?

Steve: 11:44

I had been, yeah, I was, to the point where. If you got close enough to me, you knew something was wrong, but I was very good at keeping the picture outside and the people at arm's length, as long as I was like, at arm's length, my life looked perfect and that was very much the way that I was raised by my parents, they might get home from work and tell my younger brother and I that we were pieces of shit that they never wished they adopted us because we forgot to vacuum up after the dog's shedding for the day. But, at the same time, like, when we went out, we were, like, the big, smiley, happy family where everything was perfect. And that's what was drilled into me, is it didn't matter how dysfunctional it was. Inside your home or like what you were feeling like mom and dad could be fighting you and your brother could be fighting. Like the whole family could be at war with each other and like afraid to leave the bedrooms at night because of who might yell. But at the same time, like when we go out, we're all like lovey dovey being the perfect family. So that's when I was. In my alcoholism, it was very much like I had to find, I had to be in a relationship because it helps having that kind of I would say accountability, but at the same time it was also like someone to help take care of me if I got sloppier cover some of the holes that I couldn't take care of myself because I was blacking out left and right or drinking more than I should. But it also, was about getting the boyfriend to become the husband so that then we can get the house so that we can get the Kids so that we can you know the 2. 5 kids so that we can get to this so that we can have this perfect life where like almost even though because like I was gay I I grew up in the age of like where will and grace was on tv to the point where I got eight different box sets of season one in college from different people who just didn't know what to give me as a gift so they just got me Will and Grace. But like with that show I was also like very raised by like the people around me that if you were like Will it was okay. If you were trying to find your husband to settle down to raise the family and like basically be straight but like having sex with dudes and just swap out the wife for the husband like it was going to be more acceptable than if you were, Dating around or like seeing multiple people or like being a little bit more flamboyant or not having a more traditional job, like a lawyer, but being something like an actor, entertainer. I was raised where that was bad. Don't do that. That won't be accepted as long as you look like Will, you're going to be accepted, but you can't look like Jack. And so that was very much what I was trying with my life subconsciously, but I've worked through this like in sobriety and therapy and coaching and all of that. Yeah. But that's very much what I was trying to do, and it was shattered because the coven happened right around the time that my husband and I were trying to adopt a child from the foster care system who is 17 and at the time we didn't realize was like, very mentally unwell and having her in our, on our home. During the trial period of like it became very clear that like it was not going to work out It wasn't healthy for any of us, but it was so unhealthy that like for me and him together We were like this is it like we just are gonna put that off the table right now But at that time if my entire life was this timeline of what it should be like Saying I can't do this. I can't do that. Like I won't do the kinky sex I won't go out to like circuit parties. I won't do clubs. I won't do this. I won't You Because I'm trying to follow this like perfect trajectory of what my life would be like and then all of a sudden it stops like a crack search shatters at this road where like everything past it all of a sudden doesn't exist anymore because it all from there was based off of this adoption working out and that's like being these dads and living this perfect American fantasy life and so like after being like a Oh, what do I do? I didn't want to figure out what I wanted to do. I just wanted to drink the pain away until I didn't feel anything. And so I did that for It probably was like three to six months afterwards where I was like every day and it just was at work again Like I was working in a sales, sales and marketing job at a senior living community like that was being built So it's like from the ground up and i'm selling ten thousand dollar deposits For these seniors or their like loved ones to pick out these apartments, but like i'm taking them up and down the elevators That are three stories high and I've been drinking all day long and it's like a four o'clock product I must smell like the vodka or the whiskey that i've been drinking like there's no way now in sobriety That I know I didn't when I was taking up the elevator with these tours with these clients with my boss with these regional directors But no one said anything about it because I was making them stupid amounts of money So like they didn't care it was when I got sober and all of a sudden like I had to take a couple days off because I was like Physically going through detoxes and not able to focus on a conversation And then like I all of a sudden wasn't the life of the party happy hour guy anymore that all of a sudden they were like Oh that's when they started if anything my sobriety was, like, a bad thing for them, because it hurt their pockets, and my performance of what I was known for doing to make them money. But, yeah, they were more than happy to look the other way, as long as everything was great. My husband was more than happy to look the other way, as long as I was, you know, keeping the story going as long as things looked okay on the outside, like all these other people around me, as long as I kept going, but it got for me to the point where I was like waking up at three or four o'clock in the morning not only like physically ill from detox, but also just like mentally and emotionally like upset that I didn't have any aneurysm in my sleep and just not wake up at all because I just didn't want to go through the cycle of spending like the first hour of the morning like, Going through my phone, being like, who did I call? Who did I text? Who did I DM? Who did I message to say something? Tiptoeing around my husband to figure out if I have to apologize for anything, or if even not remembering what happened then getting sick on the way to work, and pretending it's stomach problems, and not the gallon of liquor a day I'm drinking, and then saying I'm never going to do it ever again, to be doing it by the time I was done with my morning meetings at 9 o'clock in the morning. It just was, like, it got tired. It was Similar to my drinking career it was fun for a while until it wasn't and that last bit, like, when I said screw the rules, screw the guidebook I'm just gonna drink as much as I want and black out and whatever happens and not care whether I lived or died it didn't, it wasn't fun for very long. And I'm, like, when finally my husband was like, you something needs to change, I was so relieved that I was able to finally because I wouldn't, I was at the point again where I was like, I wasn't actively suicidal, but I was like, hoping to die, and no one around me was stopping me. And he was the first person to try and stop me and say I'll listen, just tell me. And I finally did, and thank God, because here we are today.

Ralf: 18:08

Yeah, I think, as the loved ones, it's always difficult to watch. And sometimes, some loved ones, and I can't talk for your husband, of course, but you also go in a little bit of denial. About what's going on. You don't want to really face it. I have, I know of people where they're in relationships where one is not doing so well and the other one is not aware of it. As far as I'm aware is that is crazy to me how they wouldn't notice. But then again. You are very quick to just turn a blind eye to the signs, or you won't quite, don't want quite to believe it, that it is an issue. I'm assuming you've worked through all this with your husband now, and you're Yes, for sure.

Steve: 18:56

Yeah the first especially the first year was, like, about so much healing. The first 90 days, even, because part of my rock bottom involved him catching another bout of infidelity. There was a time of healing where, even though we were married, I still wasn't having sex with him in early recovery. It was, like, 90 days to somewhere between my third and fourth month of sobriety when we finally had sex together. And even that was, like, a big deal for me, because it was the first time where, Like I, we had, without drinking I had sex, but I had always been at least stoned or something. And so it was the first time that I had sober sex with my husband, in our marriage, which is wild to think that I didn't realize I had a problem until eight years into it, but it was a big deal, but a lot of healing needed to be happening, not only in that aspect of then also really taking like just like being just about me and him and healing us but then also just I felt this like psychic change as they talk about in the rooms like pretty quickly where like between the podcast like holding my ass accountable where I was like I can't fuck up people are watching now but like also just like also having my program and being like, wow I see all these people who I want what they have, and they're telling me how to get it, and I'm going to do anything and I felt the change, but he had been with me for so many years where I was saying, I'll never do it again, I'll never do it again. I was the boy who cried wolf at that point. So I remember there was also some friction like around the three to six month mark where I felt like I had grown and I was catapulted into this like new plane of existence and he was still like waiting for the relapse, like waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for things not to work out. And I was like, how do you not believe it? But of course now that I've also gotten past it and I'm out of the woods and of course, now I know that because I've done that so many times without. the support and background and community that I was building, and I tried to do it on my own, and I just can never do it. It was only when I connected with other people in other ways, like not just with the programs, with the podcasts like that. I was like, the connections, what for me has always been like, what helps keep me sober more than reading or meditating, like all of that is extra bonus work and like homework and or the course work to get the foundations laid. But like day to day, what keeps me sober is talking to another sober person.

Ralf: 21:00

That. I don't do 12 step myself now, but that's the power of the room. It's sitting in a room with, let's say, 20 complete strangers, and you have something in common. That doesn't necessarily have to be a recovery room. That can be any room. If you mentioned earlier you did a movie podcast, you have some, you have a connection with your husband where you can sit and talk about movies. That's connection. And at the end of the day, that's all we want is connection. And it's just about finding the same wavelength of people and that's, like you say with the podcast, it keeps you level, it keeps you sane, and it also keeps you accountable. Trust me, I feel very accountable doing this as well, because I've had some lovely interactions, I've done a couple events since last season, and I do have people coming up to me. And, I don't quite know what to do with it, so I'm just like So weird. I know, it's I don't like the word celebrity, because that is not what I am. But, people do know who I am, which is wild to me. Because I'm just this little cisgendered white guy sitting with a microphone, how original. Talking about sex and being sober, and that's it. It's just A thing I started during

Steve: 22:21

COVID. Yeah but I mean what you're doing is so huge because even for me my first two years of sobriety was very much like me falling into like my old habits of trying to build the perfect life. I was just trying to build it around what being sober looked like to a lot of the like the majority of people that I would see in the rooms and like to that it still was like very traditional and sex wasn't really talked about in a lot of the places like the meetings I was going through the spaces that I was finding online even. Until I eventually found a leather recovery groups, and a leather kink communities that had sober people, and I was like, oh my god, because my first sexual fantasy as a kid was involved me being, like, tied down and surrounded by dudes, and that's still right up there with my top ten types of fantasies I can come up with but I was so afraid my entire like sexual adulthood like in my addiction to really explore that because that was wrong in the same way i had all these rules about drinking to try and keep me under control i had all these like rules about sex where i still ended up having sex with like hundreds of guys in my 20s but i felt like it was okay because i was basically door dashing dick to my apartment like after i was wasted rather than going out to a bar and finding it that way I don't know why, or because it was like, not wearing leather, but it was like, I was already, I had them walk in, I was already like, face down, ass up, or whatever was going on I told myself what I was doing was okay, because it was like, not kinky, or leather, or didn't look like the bad stuff on TV, or that people looked down on or judge, but that was the stuff that I wanted, and so I just had a whole bunch of really crappy vanilla sex for years, And that's what I thought like marriage was supposed to be like and everything even then and then it was like only like after realizing like two and a half years into sobriety like between that with sex kind of hitting a dead end where I was like I needed more but also just like trying to be the perfect sober person and be like all I'm doing so much service I resent it like I thought that was like the goal is to do if I'm doing service at seven meetings like seven nights a week like that's me winning at sobriety if I have so many that I can't keep track of them like if I'm doing All these, if I'm like doing service for this organization in New York City that's like making me want to shoot myself every single time I hear Facebook Messenger go off is that really what like the perfect sober person looks like? Like it, that it wasn't for me and like I realized like there were things that needed to change, like I needed to like, if I'm going to be living the second life, the second like the shot at life, because there's no way I should be alive right now if it wasn't for a higher power. Looking out for me like it needs to be like my life the way that I want to live it and that involves like talking with my husband about like respectfully opening up the marriage in a way where like he's comfortable with it. I'm comfortable with it. And we're communicating about it. And when he gives boundaries I respect them, which is like something I could never do if I wasn't sober because there are things that we compromise on that I'm not like in love with, but I, I understand them, I respect them, but things like respect go out the window if I have alcohol or drugs in my system and it starts with myself if I'm drinking or using drugs the respect for me goes, and so once it's gone for me, like, how am I going to respect anyone else around me if I can't respect myself? And so being able to show up to like these situations and be able to say like this, these are my wants and needs, like not only with like my marriage, but also building my life up to be like all these things that I was waiting for I'll do this one day I'll join like a community that way I'll do, I'll start exercising this day or join the gym that day or, all these things that I was waiting for, I just started doing and like in the past like year, almost like 10 to 12 months of doing that is like when I've had this kind of like second awakening of sobriety. And it's really just started with like me telling my husband I need to have kinky sex. And from there, that confidence in the bedroom started happening outside the bedroom. That's

Ralf: 26:03

fantastic. It's, I think a lot of people were like, when they, may I ask how old you are? I am 38. 38. Oh, plenty of time. I do sometimes talk with people where they go, Oh, it's too late. We can't change what our sex life is now. I'm really curious, but it's just not gonna happen. I'm just like, no, you can start whenever you want to. And it sounds to me the way you've talked about trying to uphold this perfection and perfection in a heteronormative way, has just blocked stuff that was already there. You can, my personal view is, be happy you didn't find kink in alcoholism, because it's fucking difficult to split them. In that aspect, it's a little bit easier for you. So when did you start exploring your kink after your surprise? You said around two years after,

Steve: 26:57

or? Yeah, I would say that I started going to leather and kink recovery meetings online, I would say, a little over a year and a half ago, sporadically very much dipping my toe in, not going regularly, but it was about last October, so about yeah, a year now, when I was, like, I'm going to go to this meeting regularly, I'm going to share whether I want to or not I'm going to Trade phone numbers. I'm going to connect with people. I'm going to follow them online. I'm going to start doing my homework rather than just saying I have kinky interests, but actually figure out what that looks like and making a list of things I know I want to try, things I know I don't want to try, things I'll maybe try and start then as I'm, like, going out into the real world trying to find people I can do those things with safely and sanely and having that consent where, we can try it and I tend to just for the longest time, I had more success anytime I was traveling, especially because you go to sober events, you're going to find sober kinky people. You go to kinky events, you're going to find kinky sober people, because there's always a little overlap when you're in one of these kind of areas, but, being able to find these safe places outside of my own backyard where I'm able to explore, where there's also no fear of judgment of what people online might think, because it's, they won't see me on their grid. My friends and neighbors are all that kind of stuff. Doing that very early on gave me the chance where now I was able to then manifest it more locally in a more sustainable situation where I'm able to have the sex life that I've always dreamed of at the same time as starting to really explore what kink and leather and, like, all of that means to me, as well as just You know, communication of just talking about my wants and needs inside and outside of the bedroom, because I was always very submissive in the bedroom and outside the bedroom. And I've learned in my sobriety I can be dominant on both sides. And it's really fun being able to like, take what I'm learning in the bedroom and then be like, Talking about it outside the bedroom, not just like talking about and educating, but also being able to be more dominant work or being, and when I talk feeling more confident and what I'm talking about, because, if you could some of the things I'm doing in the bedroom behind closed doors, I could do things on the street, a lot easier. It feels oh, it's that is

Ralf: 28:56

so true. And like gear does something as well. It changes your posture. It changes your confidence. It's the feel of it. My main thing is lever, of course. And I've had so many people goes Ralph, your posture changes when you have lever on. I was like, yeah, it's heavy as hell, but no, it does. You stand a bit taller. And. I sometimes have a, like you say, you'd bring it into your workplace or so on, this confidence you sometimes have with doing kink. I sometimes struggle bringing that with me sometimes because I can come off really confident when I'm out, but actually not so confident out of gear. So it's nice that you can merge the

Steve: 29:39

two. It helped me a lot because like around that same time that I started like getting kinky, I also started just fitness and exercising and moving. But like it was when I started being able to like, lift or move or push around like 120 140 pounds. And I like in my mind, a light bulb went off or I was like, just pretend it's a twink. All of a sudden, I was like, I moved it up. And I was like, now, it's like I want to get started. Strong enough where I could do it with like muscle daddies and like now I'm up to like the 200. So it's that was like for me, almost like I equated like the two things together of the motivation of what I was doing in the bedroom, like to what I was doing at the gym of like with the pounds. And it was just funny the way that worked. But it was motivating for me for a while or just like thinking about if I could do this in the bedroom, I could do this at the gym. Or like on the flip side, like as I was getting more confident in my physical strength, like it made a lot of the things that I had always like. fantasize about doing, but maybe not have been physically capable of doing, a lot easier to do now that I'm more in shape. So it's been a lot of fun, seeing those two kind of evolve together too.

Ralf: 30:35

Yeah, I'm having the strength to sometimes as as a dominant, it can be quite difficult because I don't like brat behavior. A brat likes to fight back. I don't have a lot of physical strength. So I was like, I don't want a brat because I wouldn't be able to fight them off. And that's not a good look for a top.

Steve: 30:56

Yeah, I've learned that like about switching is like something I've really found to enjoy when I find like a guy where we can bounce off where I can be dominant and submissive or have that flip or that mix of both, which has been fun because even like out in the streets, like before I discovered leather and kink, just like being truly versatile and enjoying both of those experiences, it's very hard because anyone online I've learned who says they're versatile, that's like code for bottom 90 percent of the time, like top 10 percent of the time. So finding like the true 50 50 split it seems to almost be easier in like the leather and kink community, just because people seem to be more open to more experiences sexually anyway. And again, it very much is like about that kind of connection that you can build with someone as well, where I'll do things with someone like I'm vibing with that I normally wouldn't consider. I had never even entertained or flirted with the idea of being fisted before but then I have a really hot daddy like over me with four fingers deep and he's asking me Have you ever thought about it? And I was like not until now in this way, you know It will shift when you're with the right person the right environment and while I haven't gotten there yet like now that's like on my maybe list when before it wasn't because the right person brought it up at the right time in that right situation and all of a sudden something opened like up in me like physically and literally but I was about to say literally yes yeah literally but like you know you never know when you're open to trying like for me at least like I've learned in my real life I had so many rules about what you can and can't do and that translated to what I can and can't do sexually that Part of this new version of me is sexually I don't have these rules of what I can and can't do. I have probably not, maybe not but there's always gonna be room for compromise or room for me to be surprised because, same thing with my life, as long as I'm open to be wrong, open to be open to something new happening, it's gonna be a more exciting

Ralf: 32:42

ride. Like, when it comes to kink, it's just exploring. It's finding out what works and with you and I recognize The kid in the candy store in you from when I started when I was 22, so I'm old hat now. But it is that like lust for it. It's I didn't have to try everything. Why limit myself? And that's amazing. And it's also, I hate being cheesy, but it is that gift of sobriety and clearness and being. present and wanting to do these things. So it's just so important. And I'm so happy that you share your experiences on your podcast. Tell me a little bit about the podcast you do.

Steve: 33:26

Sure, yeah, my podcast is called Gay A, which I thought was hysterical when I got sober, because it's a pun on AA, but gay. But I also realized it makes it very hard to find, and also if you don't get it, you can never get it. The full title now is Gay A, The Queer Sober Hero Show. Searching queer and sober helps you find it a lot easier. But it's a weekly podcast has been coming out since my 90th day of sobriety like I've had over 200 episodes now So if you love a good binge It's there for you Every single week. It's a mix of interviews as well as topics So I try and when I'm a new guest come on I'll have them share their experience strength and hope for 10 15 minutes and I'll ask them questions about it that come out of the conversation and then I'll also the people who like are really engaging and But also engaging during the episode the listeners love them and then they engage like afterwards with sharing and stuff like that will oftentimes come back on for like topic episodes where they're like, I want to talk about this topic or that topic. So that's a lot where I got into a lot of sex, dating, relationships, kink, that type of stuff comes up because it's, people come on and they were like, okay, I've already done the general here's how I got sober. And here's my life today. What do we want to talk about next? And that's something that a lot of people like, really need to hear about and there's room for different perspectives on it. The same way that there's I also love that. It's the range of queer people that I get. So it's not only just, gay men, but it's I have trans people and lesbians and I was trying to make sure that my guests are as rainbow and diverse as our community is to represent that. When I got sober the purpose of that podcast, and I try and always tell people we paint that you can go through traumatic shit, like, when you share what happened don't skip over the dark stuff, because we've all gotten through it, but the main focus of my show is about the positive, amazing stuff that's going on today in our lives, that's why it's the Sober Hero Show, is because I thought that my life would be over when I got sober, that's why I put it off for so long, it's because I thought it was game over you'd never have fun again, but I'm having more fun than I ever, Had before, I'm having better sex than I've ever had before, I have a healthier marriage than I've ever had before, healthier friendships Like in a community, like my life is a thousand times better In sobriety than it ever was drinking and it's not even me pretending anymore It's like authentically better and that's just like a gift of being sober But I try and show that to people that if you can find my podcast on YouTube Before early in sobriety like hang in there And if you fall like if you relapse like I try to also make sure at least like half of my guests have relapses Part of their story because it's not part of mine yet But it's not part of mine yet in part because of all my guests that are constantly reminding me that like It's not better out there, girl. Don't do it. But also at least they also have given me the strength where I also do know that if it ever does happen, I'll just come back as soon as I can because the longer that I'm out, it does, it gets harder as well because we, who knows what might happen. I've gotten so much strength from my guests across the different communities that it helps show me other parts of myself along the way.

Ralf: 36:25

I do find sometimes when I talk to people in early recovery, it is it's a powerful reminder of where I was at and I don't want to go back to that. Have I had wobbles? Absolutely. And I've been quite honest about them and around clean time birthdays. It's tricky. It's just keeping yourself accountable and speaking what's in your head. That's so important when you want to keep sober, clear headed and happy. There is no light without the dark and we can, I can definitely look back and some of the really dark situations and that's ridiculous. Why would I do that? You have to have a sense of humor about it. Because some of the situations I put myself in, oh my God

Steve: 37:11

it's crazy. Yeah, I try and just look at everything with humor because like it's so fucked up some of it that if you're not like Laughing you're gonna cry and like I'd rather I'm the type where I was like I've always thought laughter was like an easier way to deal with things than crying It's partly deflecting but also just like in general like I'm like, how could like some of the things I look back on It's just like I must be an alcoholic and it must be like a brain thing because I can so smart and so So many other ways like I but then when it comes to like alcohol when it comes to drugs like I did some of the stupidest and like even at times like alcohol drugs and like sex and like kind of the trio together like I did some of the stupidest most like fucked up shit that no sane person like sane whatever that looks like would ever do and but then like when I'm like but now like I'm sober I would never do that and I'm like but like even then I was like I thought that it was fine the next morning like clear headed or but it was like I wasn't clear headed because I was still like an alcoholic that wasn't dealing with my shit. So it's just been great being able to deal with the stuff that comes up because one thing like I thought when life when I got sober was that all of a sudden nothing bad would ever happen again. I've learned that also doesn't happen like that's also not true. And just to keep going even when things don't do go wrong or you get curveballs or hurricanes happen. Yeah, you, yeah,

Ralf: 38:27

you just have quite a few hurricanes in this state. Quite scary stuff. It's just important to be honest where you're at and what works and so on. I always say, always say to people just There is the relapsing of using drugs or alcohol, but you can also mentally relapse, you can get into old patterns or old fault ways, or your brain starts telling you stories. And I've definitely, in that way, I've relapsed a couple of times in the last seven years. And that's where honesty is important to go, okay, this is what I've done. This is How it made me feel. This is how I want to move on from it. And what do I learn from it? And that's important. A lot of people get really ashamed if they've engaged in, not necessarily the action of full relapse, but just engaged in some of those old behaviors. And I'm just like, Like you mentioned earlier, it's not about perfection. It's just about being happy and then leave the shit behind. It's just much easier.

Steve: 39:31

I definitely had peaks and valleys in my sobriety where thank God for batching content where I'm able to interview and like really work a program real hard with eight or nine awesome interviews, because then if I do disconnect and isolate for a month and fall into some of that, like stinking thinking that It's gonna get me in trouble, like someone will snap me out of it. And but at the same time I've been able to still have my content be consistent, even if my sobriety hasn't always been as great as it seems like on the outside. And again, that's like my perfectionist thing coming in that I have to also feel comfortable now that I've built this community, like, when I struggle to also not only be the guy cheering everyone else on, but also be able to say I'm struggling, help me. And I haven't gotten there yet. But One day, I know that's a goal that I need to work towards because, yeah, it's hard for me to admit when I need help or when I'm struggling. And that's why during the hurricane I just took the week off from social media, rather than even saying anything, because I didn't want to say anything sad or bad. Even in sobriety, we still are, like, I know what I'm doing isn't the healthiest behavior, but I still find myself doing it if I'm not, aware of it. I think

Ralf: 40:33

it's important acknowledging it that it does happen and it's all it's not all perfection and it's not all about figuring everything out in one go that comes down the line. So since becoming kinky, so what's your favorite piece of gear and what is The thing that surprised you the most.

Steve: 40:55

I would say my favorite piece of gear is what I'm wearing right now. It's, I got it from Mr. S. Leather. So it's my first real leather piece that wasn't purchased off of Amazon. Where it can pass the sniff test at, when I go to Leather Pride in Orlando. Where they know it won't be basically the Amazon Basics version of leather. It's definitely the piece that I work for this and I would say it was just I learned like early on in sobriety that like when I didn't have to worry about whiskey dick that I am a pretty good top as well, but like it was like, I think it was like in exploring my kink that learning that I can be dominant was like, it was like very surprising for me because my first time like going through even like really like my biggest fears were like how Dominant what I viewed as dominant like traits like dominant though What I would consider like I was afraid of how dominant I could get like that I could raise my voice that I could get angry at times that I could get here All these like feelings that I tried associated with dominance that weren't dominance They were like toxic behaviors that I just got mixed in from the way that I was raised But having to separate that and realize like that I can be dominant without having to be Those bad negative things and that I like it and it's I think it's fun and if I'm with someone who like wants it, it's like really fun. And that was just surprising because I very much had always been, very submissive, it's like little sub Steve, and all of a sudden now, like my two play partners, I'm the dominant, like top 80 to 90 percent of the time. I'm having like the best time of my life right now with it. So it's just like a big change from where I was a year

Ralf: 42:30

or two ago. I was about to say, if you're listening to the podcast, you won't be able to see it. But if you're watching, you could see a little twinkle in Steve's eye when he's talking about dominating, which is absolutely lovely because that is also the twinkle I get because it's the weird thing is. I would never categorize myself as being an alpha kind of type. I'm probably more beta, really, if I'm honest. So being the dominant in the bedroom is this like, is this reversed of who I actually am in real life. And that's why I enjoy it. Also, I think it's a little bit of a revenge on all the bullies in my school. To be honest

Steve: 43:10

Yeah, but like I also I love that i'm able to have that twinkle in my eye and be present right now Because like my one partner has more leather and kink experience than me but even like the other day they were like you're making me feel like i'm like a young kid who's like good at sex again Because we're able to like bounce off of each other and enjoy it like that So but that's the thing is like I've learned in sobriety, and especially with leather and kink my favorite part of these kink scenes is after not only working it out before and with the communication, but just that afterwards you can laugh about her have that is fun. I always enjoyed fun sex and I've been in so many encounters where someone would be turned off by the fact that I might giggle or laugh about something, but I'm, like, at the end of the day it's fun. Some of the shit that we're doing in the bedroom is like really freaky and like really awkward and really uncomfortable and if you're jabbing it in at the wrong angle like if I want to giggle a little bit to deal with the humor like if I'm you know if there's a fumble here or there's something awkward like a little comic relief shouldn't be like a game over turn off and so I love that. Like in sobriety a lot especially with kinky sober sex that like a lot of the people that i'm having sex with also agree That like sex should be fun like all of this should be fun, even if we get even if we're pretending to be really dominant and butch for The scene that we're in and like when i'm done with it I can go back to being like a little flamboyant not to worry about what they're going to think of me because there's the difference between who I am and like, as a person, what I am bringing to the bedroom at times. And it's been really fun exploring that. It's

Ralf: 44:37

those dark and light nuances of one's personality and what you find out you're into and what it can bring up emotionally. And. Some of it can be really healing. I've now found out in the last year or so I was diagnosed with ADHD Two, three years ago, and I found out as a submissive my brain goes quiet. Yeah, I was just like, oh who needs wrestling? I just, I'll just be at someone's boots. Much easier.

Steve: 45:05

There you go. Yeah, and see I've been with my ADHD always very like in tune with that side of things But there's just like also something like I've known even like before exploring kink full I've had partners where I'm like spank me. I always knew I liked being spanked Now that I have dealt with the whole idea of if someone is wanting me to spank them, and they're consenting, and we learn how hard is too hard, and this and that that I love the impact play of doing that to someone else as well, which is something that I would have been terrified for had I not, because I was always afraid what if, the what ifs of what if I hurt someone, but now that I've learned, I couldn't do that when I was, like, drinking, because you didn't have that communication, but now that I can have that communication and work it out, I can explore it safely I love that type of stuff. And again, it was like a surprise that I flipped what I was expecting or what I've been used to in sobriety, but it's a beauty of being able to be clear and communicate with my partners.

Ralf: 45:58

Just to take a complete U turn, you mentioned your failed movie podcast earlier in the episode. I am a massive movie buff.

Steve: 46:08

So it still is up. I pay the five bucks a month. It's called a lifetime of happiness. And again, like the title doesn't even tell you it's about movies, no one could find it. And also every week was a completely different genre. So like you have to like really uniquely love what we love specifically. It's, but but again, there, we did make it like 150, almost 200 episodes. So like people can go through it now and we'll get an email saying, from Buzzsprout being like you got 50 downloads because someone found like 50 movies of the 150 that were there because we do a lot of horror things like that where they'll find chunks and sections, but it is very ADHD, especially since it was two different personalities were like I choose a movie he choosing movies so you could tell that there was a battle of wills at times.

Ralf: 46:56

Is your genre horror? Is that what do you like?

Steve: 46:59

Both of us love bond over our love of horror. We love all, everything horror. We do the horror theme parks. We do right now we're loving Dragula. We love anything scary, spooky. We love that. But, I, my stuff, I've always, I'm born, In 86. So a lot of my stuff that, like if I call it a classic, it's from like the nineties or ts and if he calls it a classic thing that he's in his like mid forties, it's from like the early eighties or late seventies. And so we have that kind of, you'll see a lot of like cuts from like the eighties where it was like my first time being exposed to this movie very much. So me showing him something from the two thousands where he's I'm so glad I missed this. So it was some of these movies were acts of love for the other, but then also some we truly love together. So it's always a fun blend.

Ralf: 47:45

I guess as horror fans, it's, we also get a little bit off on being scared. And that's part of kink as well. And also it makes it a hell of a lot easier to find a costume for Halloween.

Steve: 47:57

Yes. Although I love all of that mixing my gear with the Halloween stuff. My husband's that's the cheatingest cheating Halloween thing ever. Now, especially now that I'm in worse shape this year a joke that I'm gonna go through is Clausen. Just the two weeks leading up to Halloween, just pictures of me in my costumes with just a mask and a harness. And he's that's not a costume. You need makeup. You need accessories. And I was like, I could just wear a harness and a mask. And he's that's not. a real costume. I said, we'll see what my followers think.

Ralf: 48:25

It's almost the gay version of the white girl's bunny suit.

Steve: 48:30

Exactly.

Ralf: 48:32

That's what I'm doing next week. I'm going to a birthday and it's a Halloween birthday. So I'm doing big boots, red boiler suit red eye contact lenses and probably some rubber.

Steve: 48:44

Being new to kink, I'm learning that it's fucking expensive, leather, so you gotta get that mileage out of it. If we can at least use it for Halloween once a year, give us the pass, please, because we invest in enough where we don't need to go out and buy another costume up for spending money on leather. So what is your favorite horror movie, as we are on the topic? My favorite my favorite horror franchise is the screen, the screen movies, like all of the screen movies I love, I would say for sure. We

Ralf: 49:12

can bin the last one, to be honest, but never mind that's my view on it. Oh, I hated it, absolutely hated it. But my favorite is A Nightmare on Elm Street. Oh,

Steve: 49:21

yes, that's

Ralf: 49:22

also good.

Steve: 49:23

I love the first one. Especially

Ralf: 49:25

I literally just got it on 4k desk. So that will be watching for this weekend. I think

Steve: 49:31

and then Chucky. I've fell in love with more with the TV show putting all the movies together. I'm so upset that it was canceled after the 3rd season. But I have a new love of the movies after watching the show for sure as well.

Ralf: 49:44

Oh, the show is so great. It's made by gay man and it's so queer coded, sometimes not so queer coded. Not very coded at all. It's very queer. And that's what I love about it. And they have this villain character that is actually quite woke when it comes to the LGBT stuff. And it's Oh, I just like killing people, but I'm not a monster. So it's very important to have representation, and I love the horror and crossovers with LGBT, there's been so much of it, it's the New York season of American Horror Story was just, it was, I thought it was art, I thought it was so beautifully done. It was horror, it was kink, you can't go wrong with Russell Tobey with a moustache. And it was just so good, and it was also beautifully done around the AIDS crisis. I thought it was, like, a perfect season.

Steve: 50:40

I enjoyed the beginning part of the season. The ending was just a little too cerebral for me, but I like my slashers a little more slashery,

Ralf: 50:49

I'll put Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 on for you. Alright, sounds good. It's a date. But we're coming to the end of the episode. It's absolutely been a joy to have you on. If there's any piece of advice you would give to someone in early recovery, what would it be?

Steve: 51:07

I would say that it's never too late to try something new. I certainly, especially in early recovery, take time to heal. I'm glad that I took that first year to really learn how to function as a normal human. Because I didn't know how to do that before. I grew up being, like, thinking everyone got the handbook of, like, how to be a normal person the day that I was, like, sick with mono in school. I didn't get it. But after that challenge yourself because I thought sobriety and about life in general was about building a comfortable life I learned especially like through kink like I'm like being challenged to be uncomfortable through kink that that same Being uncomfortable a little bit in real life as well pushing yourself being a little afraid but doing it anyway, and if you're finding yourself like in this kind of Circle finding something to push yourself out so that you keep moving forward You That's been something that I had never explored so much of my sexuality until my sobriety, and even then it took me some time into sobriety to have the confidence to be able to actually go for it. But I now that I have all these years ahead of me, I have plenty of time to make up for lost time, and I will, trust me. But it's not just the lessons that I've learned in the bedroom, but taking that outside to be, like, Always push yourself like don't get into a rut don't get into a routine because I thought that was going to be the definition of a perfect life of my perfect life is always moving forward now always figuring out what my next kind of competition or obstacle or marathon or thing I'm going to do to challenge myself because that's what I'm doing better if I get Thank you. bored, I get lazy, and then I get complacent, and then my sobriety's at risk. So I'd much rather keep moving forward.

Ralf: 52:42

Fantastic. And if anyone's listened or watched, and they connected with something you said, where can they get a hold of you?

Steve: 52:49

You can find a whole bunch more of me and my guests on my show, Gay A Podcast. So that's on Instagram, as well as on all podcast players at Gay A Podcast. And then I try and keep that just to more just Sobriety, if you want more of just me as a person. I'm also at JustSteveSRQ, that's the airport code for Sarasota. So it's at JustSteveSRQ for my personal page. That's where I'll do more like my leather stuff and my, like my little slutty stories and stuff.

Ralf: 53:17

Fantastic. Fantastic. Thank you very much for coming on. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. And that was Steve, and this was the first episode of season eight, and it's been absolutely a joy to talk to you about his journey into sobriety and his journey into kinkness. And I'm so excited for what's going to happen, and hopefully I'll see him sometime over in America when I get over there. But until then, stay kinky, stay sober, and play safe. Bye!