Sober, Queer, & Kinky ft. Ralf: Embracing Recovery and Authenticity

Sober Steve is joined by Ralf Rasmussen, host of RealClearFetish! Talks RealClearPlay!
 Ralf shares his journey from addiction to seven years of sobriety, delving into the challenges and triumphs of navigating the intersection of recovery, kink, and queer identity.

We discuss:
🌈 The power of embracing authentic queer identity in sobriety.
🖤 Ralf’s journey through addiction, recovery, and reclaiming his kink life without substances.
🎤 How creating a podcast and a sober kink community became pillars of his recovery.
💡 Insights on navigating mental health and ADHD in recovery.

Whether you’re curious about sober kink, need inspiration for your recovery journey, or want to hear from someone living their truth, this episode is packed with wisdom, humor, and hope.

Guest Info:
Find Ralf’s podcast, Real Clear Fetish Talks, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube.
Follow him on social media @realclearfetish or email at realclearfetish@gmail.com.

What’s Next?
Hit play to hear Ralf’s inspiring journey! Don’t forget to follow gAy A for weekly episodes, and leave a review to help other sober queer heroes find us.

#GayAPodcast #QueerSobriety #SoberKink #RecoveryJourney #RealClearFetish #LGBTQRecovery #SoberHeroes

Photo of Ralf by @joshidotphoto

Transcript

Steve: 0:01

Hey there, Super Sober Heroes. It's your host, Sober Steve, the podcast guy. Welcome to Gay A. I am here with 1, 279 Days Sober and here with my new friend, Ralph, from The Real Clear Fetish. Hello! Yes, welcome to the show. Thank you. Listeners who follow the podcast of mine got a chance to hear me on your show last week, both on my feed as well as on your show. But for those who might be just tuning in or want to know more about you, why don't you introduce yourself?

Ralf: 0:33

My name is Ralph. I live in London, UK. Originally from Denmark. Glorified Viking for anyone listening, you won't be able to see it, but if you're watching this clip, you can see I have a slight ginger beard. So I'm definitely of that origin. I'm seven years and a bit sober from all drugs. Yeah I run like you just mentioned, I run a podcast dealing with kink, anything kinky and anything sober and everything in between. Which kind of started from me setting up a sober kink group on Facebook and it just grew from there. In my spare time I sing with the London Gay Men's Chorus. I work in local government and yeah happily single or unhappily single. I don't know.

Steve: 1:24

Depends on the day.

Ralf: 1:25

It depends on the day.

Steve: 1:26

Yes. Sounds like you were living a very full, happy, sober life. That is excellent. And yeah, I definitely. I love that. I have guests on all the time that share all sorts of experiences, but the ones that people always remember are the sex related episodes or the sex related conversations. So I'm sure people will love to hear about what you're doing today. But before we jump into that, why don't you share what your favorite part of being a member of the queer community or gay community is today?

Ralf: 1:52

Just so you can be authentically yourself. I was about to say without judgment, but that's not true because there is definitely judgment from certain areas of the community. That's for sure. But I think. At least like growing up when I came out at 18. So a couple of years back no, I'm, I turned 40 in October. So I can't get away from that one. But it's the process of becoming where you want to be. How you want to present the world and it definitely took me a while where I went from Raging twink with tank tops and bleached hair to now Full blown leather man and just being really happy in my own skin for the most part So it's all a development and I just love the fact that it is such a big melting pot of different types of experiences and styles and gender expressions and I love all that. And that's also one of the things being in the London Gay Men's Chorus where we're 200 members, but it's just 200 members of different experiences. So I get to interact with not just leather men in my life. But from all sorts of areas of the queer community.

Steve: 3:05

Yeah, I definitely love how diverse our community is and just how we don't have to follow a lot of the social norms that are placed on a lot of the more, people that fit in. So I love that. And what would you say is your favorite part of being sober today?

Ralf: 3:22

Being able to handle stuff. This year has been a bit trying I wouldn't say it's been dramatic. I know other people have more challenging years than I've had, but it's. I've moved house once this year and I now have to move house again next year due to the house I'm in being evicted from here. But actually just having the capacity to handle these things. Where before, when I was still using, I was reactive, I would react with relapsing, or using to get away from these feelings, where now, I won't lie, it is like when the whole news about it. Being evicted from this house and so on. Did I feel like a drink? Absolutely fucking I also so secure in my recovery that I can vocalize that and go, do you know what I could really do with a drink? But I talk to people about it and take the power away from it. I think it's about just being honest with where your head goes. And when things get stressful, that is where it gets tricky sometimes in recovery. It's not about perfection, it's just about accountability and being honest about where you're at. So I just love being sober. Not all the time, but most of the time.

Steve: 4:44

Yeah, I can definitely relate. I know that even my hardest days sober have been easier in the end than a lot of my days when I was in my active addiction. Because I was like you, reacting to everything. I'd wake up and have no idea what the day was going to hold. I was on defense the entire day, now I'm able to start my day, not hungover, so I'm able to be clear headed, and, take my moment to center myself I'm able to act through the day rather than react, and still play things by ear without having to be like, Oh no, the world's over, and my day's ruined, and everything's garbage, why don't you share a little bit about how you got to where you are today with your drinking and addiction?

Ralf: 5:20

Like any little gay boy who moves to London, you want to try new stuff when you move here. And I moved to here when I was 24 and Drug taking was quite new to me. It was not something I'd ever done when I lived in Denmark. It's not really a big thing in the small country of Denmark. There is drug taking there, but I was very much against it. I grew up in a house where I dealt with domestic abuse and alcoholism, primarily from my mom's partners, over the years. So I always had this of their weak willed that. I don't want to do that. I had a very funny relationship with alcohol, but I would always drink to excess. That's for sure. I never drank to enjoy. I drank to get drunk. I don't categorize myself as an alcoholic. Alcohol will always lead me to other things. So that's one of the reasons I choose not to drink. But when I moved here, it was around the time grinder became a thing so it slowly started with party drugs and weekends and that was fun I didn't really see an issue with that. But with grinder came easy access Because you had chill outs it was almost like picking from a ala card menu of people you could go to just oh They have this so we go there. They have that I go there so I still have, one Christmas I was given a battery pack for my phone, which is massive. I would use that at a weekend to jump from house to house, because then my phone wouldn't die. I didn't see there was any problem in that, I thought, no, that's what you do. And that stood on for quite a while, and then I wasn't with the partners I'd moved over for at the time. I moved in by myself in 2016 and all of a sudden, all the safety wheels were off. I could do what I wanted to do. And I remember because it, The drug taking had been an issue for a while at that point, but not to an extent where it didn't affect my job. It was just more maybe affecting the people around me and they could tell something was not quite right. So when I moved in by myself, one of my friends went, Don't go overboard. You know how this goes. And I was like yeah, it'll be fine, blah, blah, blah. Fast forward eight months later, I had my first drug psychosis in my flat after a four, five day bender after my birthday. And I think that was I'd been trying other stuff up until that, like harm reduction, and managing, and making notes on how much I was taking, on which days, I was even noting down how much unprotective sex I'd had, just to keep a log of what was going on. And that seemed to sometimes work cause like take it into like perspectives, like I took this many ecstasy pills. I did this many lines, so on and so forth. But it also built on the shame around it. Absolutely. So when I had this drug psychosis. That scared the shit out of me. It was also the way my mom found out because I was talking to her on the phone in my psychosis, so it was messy. I ended up in hospital. They just made sure I didn't get a heart attack and I was sent to home and that triggered me contacting someone from my chorus to who I knew was in recovery. And he took me to my first N. A. meeting and my first C. M. A. meeting. And I went to meetings for maybe the first year and a half. Up until, yeah, year and a half to two years I used the 12 step meetings. And it was a great stability. There was a couple of stumbles after that, absolutely. But I've been sober since September 17 now 2017. And now I just use my energy to host my own podcast about sobriety and also being kinky because chem sex is definitely my story and trying to get your sex life back after it's been intertwined with drugs. is fucking hard. Am I allowed to swear on this podcast?

Steve: 9:48

Fuck yes, you can.

Ralf: 9:50

Good. Good. So it, that took a while. And that was a part of my recovery, but also what was part of my recovery is also being told. I cannot do this again. I'm not allowed to do a fetish because it would be too triggering for the rest of my life by other people in recovery and I was No, i'm not having that. I love my fetish life. I love the kinky stuff I get up to but it took a while to relearn it and now I'm enjoying a sober, kinky leather, rubber, whatever gear people are in life and I'm, can't be more happy. Sometimes it can be tricky when you go out in clubs and bars and you just see people who can relax and be themselves and so on, where I sometimes can struggle socially. And that, that can be tricky sometimes, but for most of the time I'm okay, and I'm good at Holding myself accountable or just saying, okay, this is not working, then I can just leave.

Steve: 10:53

I can definitely relate to that. People think because I appear very outgoing on social media that like, in person, at like a club or an event or a bar in the same way, it's like I can be very shy at first until I warm up or get going.

Ralf: 11:05

It's one of the things I've in recovery, I learned A lot about how my brain works. I can actually thank for that because all of a sudden I got neurodivergence and there was just like too many similarities with a lot of stuff on there. I'm diagnosed ADHD undiagnosed Autistic. It's not severe enough for the NHS here in the UK to give me a diagnosis. Fine. And I can't afford to pay for it. But it's given me so much to explore why my brain is doing a lot of stuff. The diagnosis won't fix anything, but it gives me knowledge and it makes me understand why sometimes it doesn't. I feel like shit or I have meltdowns or stuff like that. So it's a lot easier to navigate, go, okay, do you know what? I have ADHD paralysis today, but that's okay. I can be at home and do nothing. And sometimes I feel like shit and that won't last forever. And that's just what I need to remember in those times.

Steve: 12:15

Yeah, I definitely love that. It was two or three guests I had in a row almost where they were talking about getting their ADHD diagnosis in their recovery and talking about their struggles. And I was like, Oh, wait a minute. I remember I was diagnosed with that way back in the day. And I'm struggling with all these things now, maybe there's something truth to it. So I've been able to get treatment now since then. And it's yeah, there's power and that knowledge and that diagnosis and just being kind to yourself because I'm meaner to myself than anyone else will ever be mean to me, so like at least now when I have those days where my head's up in the clouds where I can't focus, like I know that it'll pass and it's not me being broken, it's just my brain works a little differently.

Ralf: 12:51

Oh, my brain is the meanest roast ever. Sometimes it's loud, sometimes it's not. For the most part, I'm okay. But then again, I'm also medicated. So that helps a little bit. Which is also one of the things I've been quite honest about. Is it's not for everyone. At the moment I am on a low dose of citalopram which helps me. It just takes that edge off. And it also helped me in early recovery. Originally I was on sertraline which you probably have different names for it in the States.

Steve: 13:24

That's like the generic of, yeah, it's like

Ralf: 13:27

the first one they put you on. And for the first three years, that was fine until I got to a point where I can't cry. And if I cut my dick off, I wouldn't care because I'm not horny whatsoever.

Steve: 13:42

It

Ralf: 13:44

was, do you know what, at the start, because my issue was chem sex. That was actually almost a godsend, not having that urge, because every time I was horny, I would want to use drugs. So actually having a period where I didn't have a sex drive was great until it wasn't. So talopram, I can gladly say I still have a sex drive, which is great. And I'm not completely going crazy with anxiety or depression and so on. So it kinda, it's a good balance for me.

Steve: 14:16

Excellent. And going back to your early recovery, you mentioned that you did use 12 step meetings early on. In addition to those, or like sometimes included in with those are tips and tricks or things that you do to help you get through that first beginning, especially early day counting into your first year. What did you use besides meetings to get you through?

Ralf: 14:35

I've done a lot of things. I've done therapy. I've tried different things. I even did, drama therapy at one point. There's a guy here in London called Simon Marks who, also headed up something called SWAT, which is Structured Weekend Antidote Program. It's gay rehab, but just intense courses over four weekends, which I absolutely loved and helped me a lot. Drama therapy was not for me. As we mentioned, it's I look very outgoing here, but being in a room with seven other people, having to embody the superhero in me? Nope, did not work. But that's also fine. It's fine. You can try different things. The chorus I sing in, the London Gay Men's Chorus, is a big part of my recovery. That is where I've met the first sober people in my life. And if I hadn't been in the London Gay Men's Chorus, I would probably be dead by now. There's no doubt in my mind about that. They also gave me a creative outlet. I think one of the things I realized when I became sober is, I'm super creative, but the nine years I was doing drugs, Did nothing creative. At all. So when I became sober all of a sudden all this creativity comes back And I just keep super busy It's like sometimes look at my calendars It's like I need to put in some rest time for two hours on this date so I can do something there. But also i've done therapy i've done harm reduction. i've even explored smart recovery for me 12 step was definitely a great stabilitator for me in early recovery, meeting a lot of amazing people and hearing amazing shares with similarities to my story. I just grew out of it and it became more of an anxiety for me than anything else. I have a tendency, if, I have to do something and I get told something I will develop an anxiety around it at one point I just got to a point where if I missed meetings I would become so anxious that I might relapse so I had to untangle that myself nothing to do with the meetings. It's just to do with myself I need to do something healthfully That is not I can't go to a meeting and if I need it, they're there if I need them. And that's the amazing thing. there's no membership. You just walk in if you need it and I'm happy it is there. But for me, if I had to do it as a routine and I start missing, then I'll get anxious. So that's how it works for me anyway.

Steve: 17:17

Yeah, no, I definitely get it. Having my show, having my meetings, having different resources, it all, I do my grocery shopping of recovery, and it all works out well for me. We talked about untangling, and you mentioned how you had to untangle the drugs as well as sex. How did your show help you do that? And what inspired you to create and launch that show from the group?

Ralf: 17:41

I started the Real Clear Fetish group on Facebook. Facebook groups are now dying a death. It's not really a thing. Facebook has almost become the place for old people, old millennials which is fine. I think anything has a natural progression. The group is still there if you're interested in joining. Not a lot happens on there at the moment, but I created the platform in 17 because as I mentioned I get told that I have to give it up give all my kink up and I'm very stubborn and I don't like being told what to do and what I can't do so I actually said the group up Halfly for selfish reasons, because I just wanted to dig my own way back in. But in with like minded people who also knew from the start that if you're in this group, you have to respect anyone in the group that they might struggle with certain things. So that was where the group came from. So that ran up until to 2020. COVID happened. Like many of us, we were stuck at home and I just started these Instagram live things because my platform is mainly Instagram. And I started doing these Instagram live shows. Where I would just invite a guest on to talk about kink and sobriety or whatever they bring to the table And then it's just slowly developed Instagram are horrible. So they kept blocking my account. So the podcast has moved away from that platform but, and then I've just it's just really lovely to do. And I get to talk to some amazing people and it's a lot of work, but it also keeps me accountable and grounded and reminds me where I've come from. I've had some really powerful episodes on there. Some really joyful episodes. Yours was really just a joy. It was just so nice to talk to you because. You are still what I would call in early days of when it comes to kink and it's just this Like kid in a candy store feel which is amazing and I just love it because I've met so many people who now interact with this podcast and they listen to things that get said on there and all of a sudden it's oh people are listening Because sometimes with podcasts because it is a kind of you don't see your audience It can be a little bit like am I yelling into the void? Is anyone actually bloody listening?

Steve: 20:22

Anytime any listener does the text the show or leaves a comment I try to shout it from the rooftops be like you all should do this more because I know from number of people listen To the show but the engagement. Yeah, sometimes you wonder

Ralf: 20:34

You saw one of my Fan I met at Folsom Berlin in September I listened to your show. I'm from Cape town. I was just like, South Africa. Amazing. I didn't actually know it would get there and he loves the show. And he was just like, Oh, by the way, I'm going to Antarctica. Would you want me to do a little clip whilst I'm there whilst I watch it? I was just like, that would be amazing. So I recently just posted it and it's your episode. He's watching when he's doing this little video. I was like, yeah, my podcast is. on Annoyed Cat now, so that's so fun.

Steve: 21:10

Yeah,

Ralf: 21:10

that's

Steve: 21:10

Yeah, what's one amazing thing that your show has given to your life that you didn't expect when you started?

Ralf: 21:17

I jokedly go to people and say, yeah, I'm a white man with a microphone. Which is fine. But Has really given me something I get to talk to people. I normally wouldn't talk to in every walks of life. I try to keep my guest list fairly diverse But of course when it's kink and when it's sober stuff you have to look for the guests I have people asking me to come on the show and I also find my guests if they mention something sober on their profile on Instagram, I go, would you want to come on? And I also love that I can have guests on that different experiences. I've had people on who are not necessarily sober, but they don't do drugs for sex. I have people who have 30, 40 years of sobriety on the show. I've had psychologists or therapists on, heads of chem sex charities. So it's not just purely, I get someone on that's. this tragic story of them becoming clean and sober. It can be, I had an episode where we just talked about the art he makes. He's an artist, but he's also, I choose not to drink. It was not necessarily a problem. He just chooses not to. So it's all about the different types. There's not just one type of sober person. And that's what I love.

Steve: 22:37

Yeah, that's definitely been freeing because, yeah, I spent my first year or two, even on this podcast very much trying to be the perfect host of the perfect sober podcast so I could be the perfect sober person and that I wouldn't have any strong opinions one way or another because I might upset someone. But like, I get more powerful, I connect with my audience more and with my guests more when I'm able to just be myself and the right people will be attracted to it and the wrong people. Weren't meant to listen anyway.

Ralf: 23:03

I've had in the past and I'm not sure if it was, intended to be a slight read on my podcast, but I did have someone I know write to me. It's did you know the guest you just had on does drink? It's yeah, I know. It's not always, they don't have to be 100 percent sober to be on my podcast. If I feel like they don't fit the format or maybe too far away from my values, then I wouldn't have them on. But if they bring something to the podcast that might be beneficial for someone listening, then I'll bring them on, and they don't have to be sober. If they're in active addiction or like high on the fucking hall, maybe not.

Steve: 23:44

Maybe

Ralf: 23:44

But at the end of the day, it's my podcast, so I invite on who I want to invite on. And if I feel like they bring something to the talk about kink and being sober, perfect. They don't have to be sober.

Steve: 23:56

Excellent. And I know people can find your show wherever they find my show, so give them the full name and all the ads and everything to find you on social media and everything.

Ralf: 24:05

On, X, necessary evil, and blue sky, I am real clear fetish. Instagram, the same real clear fetish YouTube, and on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, it's real clear fetish talks, real clear play. Excellent. Yeah, and you can also drop me an email if you wanna talk to me. It's Real Clear fetish@gmail.com. Real clear fetish@gmail.com.

Steve: 24:33

Perfect. It's been a pleasure, Rob. I love that now my audience gets to know you better, so you can come back on for a topic episode in a couple months where we'll dive more into the kink talk.

Ralf: 24:43

Oh, I would love that. It's my favorite subject. Absolutely.

Steve: 24:47

Excellent. Sounds good. Until then, it was a great chatting and connecting with you and my listeners. Thank you for tuning into another episode. We'll see you next Thursday.

Ralf: 24:56

Bye.