Sober Holiday Tips and Tricks from the Vault

In this episode of gAy A, your queer sober hero show, I’m sharing holiday tips and tricks to help you navigate the festive season while staying sober. Whether you’re celebrating your first holiday in recovery or just looking for a little extra support, this episode dives into advice from listeners and my own experience on avoiding triggers, setting boundaries, and thriving through the season.

I’m also celebrating 1300 days of continuous sobriety and reflecting on the tools and community that have helped me along the way. If the holidays feel overwhelming, you’re not alone, and we’ve got you covered!

Episode Highlights:

• Why the Holidays Are Challenging for Sobriety:
  • Unrealistic expectations for joy and happiness can amplify feelings of isolation.
  • Family dynamics and alcohol-heavy work events can be major triggers.
  • Reflection on the past year may bring up both positive and difficult emotions.
• Listener Advice for Staying Sober:
  • “If you feel stressed or tempted, just leave. You always have a way out.” – Laura
  • “Avoid triggers at all costs. Prepare mentally for difficult situations.” – J Dusty Grimes
  • “Sobriety is the best gift you’ll ever receive. Stay humble and grateful.” – Charlie Gray
• Practical Sobriety Tips:
  • Use HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) to avoid emotional pitfalls.
  • Set boundaries for yourself and plan an exit strategy for challenging events.
  • Lean on sober support systems like meetings, literature, or sobriety podcasts.
  • Focus on mindfulness and breathing exercises to manage stress in real-time.
• My Reflections on Celebrating Without Alcohol:
  • Learning to embrace sobriety as a gift.
  • How recovery tools and planning have helped me navigate triggers.
  • The joy of celebrating milestones and holidays sober and authentically.

Want to Share Your Story?
I’d love to feature you on the show in the new year! Send me an email at gayapodcast@gmail.com or DM me on social media @gayapodcast to share your experiences with sobriety and recovery.

Thank You for Listening!
Thank you for tuning in to gAy A. Wishing you a safe, happy, and sober holiday season. I’ll be taking a short break over the holidays but will return with fresh episodes in the new year. Until then, stay safe, stay grounded, and most importantly—stay sober, friends.

Transcript

0:00

Hey there, Super Sober Heroes! Welcome to Gay A, the Queer Sober Hero Show. I'm your host, Sober Steve, the podcast guy, and I am so excited to be sharing 1300 Days of Continuous Sobriety in today's amazing episode, which is going to be filled with advice on how to survive and thrive through the holiday sober. So without further ado, let's head into the vault, hi everyone and welcome to Gay A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett Martin. I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for getting the chance to celebrate the holidays with my family. As of this recording, I am 209 days sober, and today I'll be sharing some advice from listeners as well as myself on staying sober through the holiday season. Now, I'm Many of you might ask if this is your first go around, why is it harder during the holidays or you're experiencing it right now? Just for many people. I've found that so oftentimes the holiday season it comes with this expectation for joy and happiness It's literally marketed as the happiest time of the year And so for those of us that don't feel happy during that time it oftentimes makes us feel like there's something wrong with us And that feeling is dangerous for us alcoholics or those that are sober curious. In addition to that, it is a time of the year where many of us do gather around and get together with our families and families are oftentimes triggers for us. I know that my family brings me right back to where I was when I was a younger child or a young adult. And those behaviors from back then aren't always healthy. They weren't healthy. Then they're not healthy. Now they're not helpful towards my sobriety. Both. Physically sober as well as emotionally and spiritually. One thing that I've heard a lot of people talking about is also how difficult it is to go through the holiday parties at work. These are situations where people oftentimes drink very heavily, and you're expected to go as an employee of your organization. So even if you normally avoid those people, places, and things. You find yourself having to basically show up at a holiday party or get through a holiday party where many of your trusted and co workers and confidants are getting hammered or inebriated at least, and so that could be very hard for people to get through on their own. Also, looking back on the past year can be hard for many of us, the past couple years have been very difficult, I think, across the board for everyone, but especially for alcoholics. I know so many people that have gotten sober in the rooms or stayed sober through the rooms or had a relapse. During covid and came back and, looking back on the past year for me, not only involves looking at the past six months of my sobriety, but also those first six months of the year, which were my downward spiral to my rock middle where I will, as I get closer to past Christmas and into New Year's. Kind of reflecting back on the year, it's half positive memories but also half negative ones that I'm going to have to acknowledge and move on. So I did go ahead and do a post on Instagram asking some of our listeners to give us some feedback on how they plan to stay sober during the holidays. Laura's from last week's episode recommends. That if you feel stressed or tempted, just leave. You're always given a way out. I certainly agree. I am setting kind of hard limits on what I will and won't tolerate as I go through the holidays between Christmas Eve and Christmas day with my family. As well as we haven't made New Year's plans yet, but I know that as we make them, I'll certainly have situations I'm comfortable being in and the situations I am lucky in many ways to have a spouse where I can have a safe word for him, for us to be able to make our exit if we need to. To, and. So yeah, just being ready to leave if the situation gets to be too much for you, finding your way out or planning your way out in advance can certainly mentally prepare you for the worst, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. That's certainly something that I'll be doing this holiday season. J Dusty Grimes also recommends avoiding triggers at all costs. That is very similar advice, but also very important to mention those triggers. Triggers are things that. Oftentimes will make you want to pick up their sensitive subjects, their sore spots. I know that as much as I'm going through my steps and trying to overcome a lot of the issues that I had growing up and accept that everyone did their best. I know that certain triggers for me that I'm likely to encounter during the holidays include my mom picking on my appearance because she's always been very highly critical of that. My brother bringing up childhood arguments from decades ago. Because he likes to cling on to the past, my mom and my dad bickering, which is almost a guarantee over the holidays, but it severely triggers me because they fought so much growing up and with my in laws, my sister in law, just in general, being a horribly racist homophobe, all of those things are triggers that are likely to make me want to drink and so being prepared to avoid those at all costs. Whether that be leaving the room, leaving the party, coming up with coping mechanisms in advance, the ways that I'll handle those situations when they come up, all of that kind of mental preparedness will help me get through the holidays. More positive. We also got to hear from Charlie Gray friend of the podcast and author of at least I'm not the frog I definitely recommend if you haven't listened to his episode yet going back and checking it out because it was an amazing interview But he shared that he's gonna stay sober through the holidays by reminding himself that sobriety is one of the best gifts He shall ever receive and staying humble and grateful I know that staying humble and grateful is certainly hard during the holidays, but one way that I'll be able to do it is by following his advice of reminding myself that sobriety is an amazing gift that I've received. It's so true. Six months ago, I would never think that I'd be grateful to be an alcoholic, but here we are. When I first started off, I was so miserable over the idea of accepting the fact that I was an alcoholic that It was hard for me to even say it at first, but now I am proud because being an alcoholic brought me into these rooms, brought me into a lifestyle that's able to help me become a better version of myself, teaching me tools not only to stay sober, but to thrive in the world that we're living in right now, teaching me about acceptance, teaching me about overcoming past trauma. These past 209 days have been such a gift and changed my life for the better. Yes, remembering that I'm grateful for these changes is going to be a huge part of it. And the Eric Blue shared that he wasn't sure how to do it, but then the universe gave him COVID. While that's certainly not a recommended course of staying sober through the holidays, having to quarantine from everyone, I do hope that you feel better, Eric. And my advice is that you keep your program close, whatever that program looks like. For me. That involves following halts, avoiding feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, especially when you have a combination of those things. We're all geared towards loneliness around the holidays, anger, dealing with triggers, feeling tired, and just not only physically tired, but emotionally tired. And making sure that you're following your programs so that you avoid those. Triggers can help. That might also include meditating, even if you can't sit down and do a full guided meditation, even just taking a few moments to yourself to do purposeful breathing can be a great way for me to alleve anxiety or stress in the moment, just living in the moment and being aware. Of your surroundings, being aware of your breath and regrounding yourself through the stressors of the holidays. Also, one of the positives that have come out of the past year or two is that meetings exist everywhere on zoom. And most organizations that I've heard of are doing marathon meetings, which means back to back all day and all night on those holidays to help you stay sober. And lastly, if you can't make it to a meeting, definitely reading literature about sobriety or listening to sobriety podcasts like mine can certainly help. Reaching out for sober support would be my last bit of advice. Whether that be a fellow in your program that you share, a sponsor, friends that are also sober, friends that are aware that you're sober and help you through it.

Steve: 8:27

What was celebrating like for you during your active addictions?

Savanna: 8:32

It was for my birthday. It was a month long, just booze filled. Extravaganza. Until that last week of my birthday, because my birthday is on August the 7th, so from the 1st until the 7th, it was drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. And then the 5th, 6th, and 7th would be drink and maybe something else, and then on the 7th, it was just a complete and utter shit show. I would either have a party and be missing half of the night. I would go out and don't remember getting home, just totally embarrassing myself. And I know my last birthday before I got sober, For the 4th of July, I had gotten really drunk and I had told my wife, no, I'm fine. I don't have a problem. I'm not going to drink for the rest of the month, and I did it, but I was white knuckling it the whole time. It was like, I didn't go anywhere and I still hadn't admitted to being an alcoholic or even thought I was an alcoholic or anything like that. Deep down in my heart, I think we all know. That were alcoholics, but I just was not in a place where I wanted to admit it yet. And so didn't drink my birthday rolls around and I had told everybody before him, I think I'm going to take it easy. Do this birthday. I was having dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant and I was like, I don't know if I'm going to drink. If I do, I'm just going to have one. And as soon as we got to the restaurant, after I had just said, I wasn't going to drink, I ordered a pitcher of margaritas and then. It was just business as usual for the rest of the night. Any birthday money that I had gotten at that dinner I spent before I even got home and then ended up spending more of my money that I don't even remember spending because I was doing shots once we left the restaurant and went to a bar after that. So the next day the day after my birthday, my foot was swollen cause I'm pretty sure I fell. I think I fractured my foot, my glasses, my sombreros and somebody else's car. I was missing a few items. And even then I didn't think I had a problem. I just thought to myself, Oh, it's my birthday. So no big deal. That's what you do on your birthday. There's a few days that I was allowed to get just, Obliterate it was my birthday. It was New Year's, and I'm pretty sure I had 1 other in there somewhere that I would have an excuse to drink for. But after that birthday is when I was starting to think, okay, there's a pattern here.

Steve: 11:27

Yeah,

Savanna: 11:29

and. By Christmas, I had already drank through all the other holidays in between Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, ruined Christmas, got sober on December 28th. So

Steve: 11:48

yeah, I can certainly relate. What was that first year of celebrating like for you? How did you celebrate and get through those different holidays and birthdays?

Savanna: 11:57

My first year of sobriety, I had to learn how to celebrate. So yes, I got sober on the 28th. And I had a function to go to on the 31st as soon as the ball drops, I left, I packed up my family. I was like, all right thanks. And I left and actually that night. I told our older kids, my older boys that I was sober that I had decided to not drink anymore. And they thought it was something that they had did. Cause there towards the end, they started making fun of me for my drinking. So they thought that they had roasted me too hard and made me, not want to drink anymore. But I explained it had nothing to do with them. It was weird that first year, because after Christmas, New Year's, St. Patrick's day, my birthday, summer, 4th of July, anything was a reason to drink, but I was in school. Things were going well. And I had a lot of good things going for me and in that early part of sobriety, but I felt like I couldn't express myself. You know what I mean? It was really weird. I felt like I should be really happy and excited, but I didn't. I just felt miserable and I felt like an imposter and I felt like all these things. And I was in meetings and I was talking about it because I couldn't explain it. I'm like, okay, I'm sober now. And I'm doing these things that they said I would do on sobriety. Like, why am I so miserable? And it took one of the other people in the meeting. They were like, I've been watching you and your journey. And he said, I bet before when good things used to happen to you, what did you used to do? And he said, you probably used to drink. And I said, yeah, he goes what do you do now? And I didn't think about that. What do I do now to celebrate? So like I didn't put the two and two with my sobriety and celebrating or thinking that I could celebrate without alcohol. Now I was celebrating when I got those milestones, when you get those coins and your day count, you celebrate, but it's one thing when you're in this room with all these other people that are doing the same things that you're doing, in recovery, because we're all celebrating each other. But when you're out in the world, you don't have that. How do I want to say it? You don't have that I guess you do have that community out there, but it's not like it is in the rooms, but once he pointed that out to me, I was like, oh, my God, you're so right. And that's when it got to be. I started sharing those milestones work with everybody around me. Oh, yeah. I did this and I did that and I was like, yes, I wasn't like, oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, man. Got through that. It was like, yes I got through it. This is a big deal. Especially like, when you do start sharing that with people in the room and they tell you what they went through and their struggles and stuff and it's everything you get through in that 1st year. Should be a celebration and you should be able to just be like yes. I've left the house today. I went somewhere, I wrote a paper and or whatever it is celebrating without alcohol can be done and I've learned that and I actually enjoy celebrating. Now, I feel a lot more comfortable celebrating now.

Steve: 15:31

Why did you agree to come on for the holiday episode?

Jimmy: 15:34

Yeah, I had to laugh when you invited me around Thanksgiving if I could be Available for a podcast in December. And like I said, I'm a musician and this is in addition to being the most wonderful time of year is the busiest time of year, but like I told you, if you could record at the mid to late point of December, most of the hecticness would be behind me. And it is. And so I suggested to you, what would it look like if we did an episode on being queer, sober, and the holidays? Because between all things holiday parties Holiday expectations for many of us. We are either getting ready to go back to family of origin or hosting family of origin, or maybe we're making decisions to not see family of origin because it's too dangerous or triggering or uncomfortable. I think having a conversation as we're about a week away from Christmas about what it looks like to be queer sober through the holiday season. It would be a really lovely thing to talk about.

Steve: 16:38

For sure. What was that first year of recovery like going through holiday seasons and being around it?

Jimmy: 16:44

Okay, so I mentioned that my sobriety date is November, it's November 8th.

Steve: 16:48

Just in time.

Jimmy: 16:50

Yeah. Yeah. My very first. Holiday season sober was I would have six to eight weeks sober. And in addition to that, it was 2020. So you can imagine I'm fresh off of the first bout of withdrawal. And it is COVID winter. We don't have vaccines yet. And I come from a family. Oh, let's not mince words. I come from a family that has much more conservative politics than I do. So they did not take COVID. Very seriously, which is to say the night after Christmas, December 26, 2020, we all go out to a steakhouse in the worst part of the COVID surge.

Steve: 17:38

I'm in Florida, so I can't say anything.

Jimmy: 17:41

Yeah, texas, Florida, they're two wings of the same bird. And so there, there was just a ton of fear in that time for everybody. With what the election was that we're still dealing with the fallout of all of that, if you pay attention to the news just once, and then the fear of covert winter without any vaccines and all of that. But then me personally, I'm 6 to 8 weeks over at, at whatever given holiday. It is. Nobody really knew that I was sober. There were a couple people here in Memphis that knew that I had made this decision on November 8, 2020. I can't drink anymore. It's I can't manage it. I can't handle it, but I wasn't public about it and. I was just afraid of what anybody would think of me and what conclusions they would draw about me if they knew that I was sober. So I go back to Texas for Christmas with the family and they can't remember if I did Thanksgiving with them. I did not I was here, but, I shook with fear and trembling as I. I said no to a glass of wine at Christmas dinner, and I had to deal with the really odd feeling of being sent on an errand to the liquor store to buy whatever alcohol was needed, quote unquote, needed for family Christmas celebrations. As a person who's six to eight weeks sober and does not know how to put up boundaries around his family when it comes to this stuff, it was a crash course on white knuckling. I think that's the only way I really made it through was I just had to white knuckle and even here in Memphis. I remember the. Sorry, little version of a Christmas party that I threw that year was just inviting like 5 or 6 of my friends to a fire pit in my backyard. And I remember that I opened up my whiskey stash that I was no longer drinking from to my friends. They got drunk to the point of throwing up. So here I am not drinking, enabling other people's, the other people's drinking. That first holiday season sober was, it was a hot mess for sure. But I just knew that I was like, whatever it takes. If it's offloading this whiskey onto my family, if it's offloading my stash to my friends, if it's just saying no in the most abrupt way possible no, I'm not drinking. I knew that I couldn't go back. To drinking because I knew what happened on November 6, 2020. I told myself I would have 2 drinks that night and I had, I don't know how many. So it was really scary and it was really hard. And I think when I came back from that particular Christmas, I just sequestered myself in my house for 2 months. I didn't see anybody. I didn't know how to deal with that at all. It was really hard.

Steve: 20:49

Yeah, what would advice would you give to someone to learn from those experiences? What would you recommend? How could you have done it differently?

Jimmy: 20:57

Yeah, I think if I could go back to 2020 Jimmy, I think I would just like gently grab him by the shoulders and say, I need you to take a really big breath. And I need you to know that you not drinking is not. Is both simultaneously not the huge deal that you think it is because there are a lot of people who don't drink for a 1000 reasons plus 1 and also you not drinking with your family during the holidays is such a gloriously huge deal. And you don't have to worry about staying sober this whole time. I think I just say, all you got to do is stay sober right in this moment. You just got to say no to that. Why? You just got to say no to that margarita. You just got to say no to whatever presents all you got to do. You don't have to, you don't have to make them like you, you don't have to make them even, you don't, the only thing you have to do is just say no and you're doing great, but you're being a bad ass for doing this. I think that's just what I would say is this is not the time to do anything more special than just take it one day at a time and be easy on yourself.

Steve: 22:02

You're so right that just the fact that we're not drinking is just huge. And I feel like sometimes we forget that sometimes, but there are also, I know that for me getting through that first year of holidays in that first year of first, it did help that I was recovering out loud after my first 90 days, I did like my posts and let the family know. But it was nice because even though my family never drank, it was nice that I was able to also get out from my home group at nine o'clock on zoom. My family all knew. So like at eight 15, eight 20, like they'd all look at their watch and be like, Steve's got to go. So like they were all really supportive with it. But I know that not even for people who aren't recovering out loud, there are ways that they can get through it, whether it be like texting fellows or other program people, or what type of tips do you give people to help stay sober through holidays or tough times?

Jimmy: 22:50

Yeah, I think the biggest thing, if it's holidays or stressful or tough times, I think the biggest thing I know to tell anybody is you don't have to do it all at once, right? Like you can't pack a lifetime or even a year's worth of recovery into a day, if all your sobriety practice needs to be for today is not drinking, that's enough. And I think the other thing that helps me navigate really busy seasons is you. Stick to the basics, so for me, it's practice my self care, make sure I'm getting regular exercise, make sure I'm eating semi decently, but you don't want to know how many cookies I've had in the last 24 hours. It's been a lot. It's okay. It's fine. It's not, you don't need everybody on your team, but you do need a couple people who just not tolerate you being sober, but celebrate you being sober. And I had those people even in that first holiday season who were like, we don't understand why Jimmy's doing this, but we know it's important to him, so we're gonna support him in this. And to have, even in that first holiday season of sobriety, just two or three people back in Memphis and a couple other folks around the country who knew that I was trying to practice the sobriety really helped. So that's what I would say. One day at a time. That's it. That's the fundamentally, don't worry about tomorrow's sobriety. Just do today to keep doing your self care, whatever it looks like, exercise, journaling, eating pretty all right. And then three, you don't have to have a whole army on your side, but having two or three good friends that celebrate and support your recovery is essential.

Steve: 24:29

Yeah, certainly it is.

24:31

So there you have it. Tips and tricks for surviving the holiday into the new year. I hope you found them all helpful. I am going to be taking some time for myself over the holiday season. So I look forward to returning in the new year with new episodes for you all. Until then I am an email away@gaypodcastatgmail.com. Or you can find me on all the socials at gay podcast. Stay sober friends.